Dinner Disaster

        Have I ever told you about the time I almost died?  I was seventeen and in high school when death first tried to lay its hands on me. I remember it vividly. The school year was winding down and summer was approaching fast. See, I had made a promise to myself earlier that year. I vowed that I would finally get the nerve to ask my high school crush on a date before summer arrived.

        The opportunity arose one day during math class. The teacher was pairing students into two person teams for a game. One by one teams were formed by the random point of a finger. I prayed to whatever God would listen to make me Liz's partner. I watched as more teams were formed but Liz and I still had no partner. By the time two-thirds of the class had been selected I heard my name.

"Ryan" the teacher announced  "a-a-annnd"

        My heart was racing, Liz, Liz , Liz I screamed inside. I closed my eyes and almost tried to will it with some unseen magical power. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Liz i whispered in my mind.

"Liz" she said

      I couldn't believe it , The girl of my dreams was my partner and I had discovered a new found magic to bend things to my will. The latter ended up being proved wrong later in life after many attempts with gambling, women, and once a judge. But at this point in time, I was in euphoria. Liz walked over to stand beside me as the rest of the class fell into their assigned groups. I had known Liz since middle school and we had always talked and been friendly back then but I didn't know her like that anymore.  I tried to summon some words to greet her but nothing came to mind. I stood with a goofy smile staring at her.

"Hi Ryan" Liz said  "Ready to kick some butt"

"You bet" I answered

        We stood in back and talked of old times together, laughing and reminiscing, when it just came out

"Liz would you like to go out on a date with me?" I stammered

        The world spun around me and my stomach tightened. Did I really just say that?
I closed my eyes and waited for the rejection.

"Sure, Ryan , That sounds like fun." said Liz "But there's one problem. My father would want to meet you first, He's a really old school dad and would probably like to have you over for dinner before we go out. Are you ok with that?"

"Are you kidding?" i exclaimed "Of course I would come to dinner at your house"

"Great" Liz said "Don t be intimidated when you meet him. He's a big guy and what some would call a man's man. You two could barbecue steaks on the grill and talk man stuff, so he gets to know you.

"Sounds good to me" i answered

        Now there are two things about me that made me regret saying yes to this dinner. Number one I am no Man's man, my focus lies in art, poetry, and music. Not football, car engines, and construction. And number two I'm a full blown 100% salad chomping vegetarian.

        I arrived at her house on a Saturday, it was a sunny day and her family  by the pool. I had met everyone and walked over to chat with her father at the grill. He was an enormous man. He towered over me, muscles rippling, looked down and said

"Looks pretty damn tasty , don't it"

"Delicious" I replied hesitantly

"Listen, you hear that. you hear that sizzling, mmmm , were definitely eatin good tonight" her father bellowed

        All I could hear was my old pull string toy, "The cow goes moo, MOO"  Over and over it repeated to me,

"How ya like your steak son" her father asked "I like mine blood raw, bloodier the better."

I felt my insides clench up

"Oh yea , blood raw here too" I said . Fearing how I was going to pull this off.

        Her Father and I chatted about some things for a bit and everything seemed going well until just then

"It's done, everyone inside , Dinner is served" her father shouted


      Everyone piled inside and took their seats at the table with Liz's father pulling up the rear with a mound of dead steaming cow on a huge serving tray. He started to set them on plates according to their temperature. Everyone got one , then he came to me. He plopped down the biggest hunk of raw dead cow i had ever seen. Blood seeped from the flesh and leaked into my veggies and fries. I was revolted but held my composure.I watched horrified as everyone began to dig in.  Slicing, cutting, chewing. It was a meat eating orchestra.

"Ryan you haven't touched your steak " Liz said

"Oh, I'm getting to it, it smells delicious" I replied

        I started to slice into the meat and paused thinking i might hear a moo from how raw this was. I cut a nice thick portion and stabbed it with my fork. I closed my eyes, put the fork to my lips and bit. I slowly started to chew, the flavor and texture was disgusting to me. I tried to hurry, chew it up and swallow as quickly as possible but now something else was wrong. I hadn't chewed it enough and a large piece of cow was stuck in my throat. I gagged and then panic set in . I stood up and started to grab my throat.

"Oh my Lord, He's choking" Liz screamed " Daddy help him"

"I don't know the Heimlich" he shouted back "watch out"

        The big man charged past me and out of the dining area. Where was he going I thought? I could feel myself choking and beginning to feel feint, the world began to spin and I fell to my knees. Just then her father came bursting in and pushed my back to the ground. Through my watering eyes, i could make out he had something. He was shouting orders to his daughter and then a loud roaring sound filled my head. Above me , the big man was saddling my chest and forcing my mouth open. In his hand was something that closely resembled a vacuum hose. No! No I thought . There is no way!
I began to lose consciousness. My eyes rolling back. When all of the sudden  TWHUMPP.

"I got it" her father exclaimed. "I got it"

        I shot up frantically and ripped the hose from my mouth.

"Are you crazy"  "Have you lost your mind" I demanded

I got up and sprinted for the door , running as fast as my legs would take me. I haven't had meat since that day and  I never got that second date from Liz but I do own the Hoover model number 44769N Ultra Suc Vac, cause you never know when disaster will strike,