Vicious Cycle

         My life.
         My life hasn't exactly been the most normal.
         I haven't been the most normal either.
         It's odd what happens to me.
         I seem to have a tendency to move on quickly.
         Not emotionally.
         But in another sense.
         You see, I move on from life quickly.
         I move one from one life and straight into another.
         I never experience birth.
         I never experience death.
         I only really experience love and loss.
         As I move into a new life and meet someone new.
         As I move out, and begin to miss the ones that I loved.
         I'm getting tired of this.
         I want out of this.
         How much love can one person have before it runs out?
         How much loss can one person have before he loses himself...
         I wake up. It's sunny. There's a distinct smell of salt water in the air. Seagulls squawk and fly overhead. Sand gathers in my hands as I clench my fists on the ground. I was at a beach. No one else seemed to be there. I bent over and started crying. The love that I had lost in my previous life. I had spent years with her, but it wasn't enough. I could still remember her sweet smile. Her deep laugh that she was always embarrassed by, but I loved it nonetheless. Her long, beautiful, curly hair. I had loved her. For all of her beauty. For all of her faults. She loved me too. Our gazes rarely being upon anything other than each other. We didn't speak much. We didn't have to. We knew when the other was sad. We knew the others happiness. The others anger. The others longing. The others loneliness...
         As I sat there, crying, someone came up to me.

“Hey, are you okay?”

         It was a beautiful young lady. She had long, straight, blond hair that rested upon her shoulders like a majestic bird. She repeated her question. I replied.

“No, I guess I'm not...”
“Do you need help?”
“Yes, yes I would like that.”
“Come with me.”

         She extended her hand to me. At first I was hesitant, but then I lifted up my arm and took her hand into mine. She pulled me up, putting my face dangerously close to hers. We both quickly turned away and took a deep breath. When we finally looked at each other again we were both red in the face. It was happening again...
         I followed her to her house, a white two story abode right on the beach. As we walked I noticed a literal spring in the girl's step. I went inside with her. She offered me various drinks and food. I accepted, but when I received them, I didn't touch them at all. We ended up sitting at a table where she started to ask me different questions. I responded without ever realizing what I had said. Even in the light of my false responses, whenever I looked at her she seemed fascinated with every little detail of my answer, and of me. Eventually it got dark and we were both tired and sleepy. She set up a bed for me in a guest room. I got into my bed as she started to leave the room.

“Good night.”

         She seemed to have taken a pause just before turning off the light in my room and leaving. When she left, I started thinking about the previous girl. I found to my surprise that I could remember who she was as a person, but I couldn't remember my love for her. It was almost like it had vanished since the last time I had thought about her. The physical beauty I loved just became physical traits. The faults she had that I would day by day love more and more, were merely faults now. I couldn't even cry for her...
         Now, no matter how much I tried to get it out of my mind, I thought about the new girl. Her beautiful long blond hair. The awkward moment we had, and the gaze we shared into each others eyes. I kept on thinking about the spring in her step when we had walked to her house, and the utter fascination she had in me. Finally, I thought about the last time I saw her. When she had taken that pause just before turning off the light in my room and leaving. I stopped. I didn't stop a certain action, I, as a whole, just stopped at the thought of that last moment. Seeing her in the dim bedroom light, just before she turned it off. Sleep then began to overtake my thoughts and actions.

“Good night.”

         How could this be happening?
         It's going too fast!
         HOW DO I HAVE THESE FEELINGS?!
         I WAS JUST HEART BROKEN, WHY THE HELL DO I FEEL THIS WAY!?
         WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER THE BEAUTY OF THE OTHER GIRL?!
         Why...
         Why, why, WHY?!
         Why does this happen to me.
         This vicious cycle.
         I love.
         I lose.
         And even though I hate to admit it...
         I love again...
         I woke up, trying to get a grasp on something familiar. I was in a whole new life. I could recognize my surroundings, but  I couldn't feel for them yet. Then, she walked in. She was wearing loose pajama like clothing with her hair in a messy bun.

“Good morning.”
“Yeah, I guess so.”

         I stood up, facing her. We both had another moment where all we could do was stare into each others eyes. After a while she gently moved towards me, each step creating an audible creak on the wooden floors. As she came closer, my heart started to pulse faster and faster. Then something brought me back to reality. A knock on the door. My attention was quickly turned, and so was hers it seemed. I went downstairs to her, to see who it might have been. We opened a door to see a small cardboard box on the ground. It was only a delivery. For some reason I couldn't explain, I was relieved. I didn't want anyone else to be here with us. I wanted her to myself. She picked up the package from the ground, and placed it on a nearby counter. I didn't realize it at first, but I was completely focused on her, even though she was performing such a menial task. It made me feel happy.
         I spent the rest of the day just looking at her. It made me happy to see her movement, to see her long blond hair, bouncing up and down as she walked. I thought that as long as I could her watch her like this, I would be happy. I would be eternally happy. But then, I did something stupid. I started being nice to her. Overly nice. I started caring for her. Asking if she was okay with the tiniest sneeze or cough. Entire speeches pouring out when she felt bad. I was setting myself up for failure.
         I imagine the girl and I.
         We're sitting outside on the porch of her house.
         Watching the sunset.
         We both turn towards each.
         Staring into each others eyes.
         We immediately embraced each other.
         We seemed to have become one
         My imagination is killing me. I never ask the girl if we could be more than what we are now. We've only known each other for about a week by now. In general, I'm also scared. Scared that I might be rejected. Scared that I might be accepted. I try to suppress the thoughts. I try to be her friend, but I can't. I want to be her friend, but part of me is greedy is wants more than that. I want to be able to act on those feelings, and I want her to feel them too. I start to become depressed. I was asking for too much. I couldn't expect her to accept my feelings. I couldn't expect anything. All I could do, was care for her, enjoying every moment of it. Being able to make her happy, being able to see her happy, it helped. My feelings could only disrupt what we had. The friendship we had.
         Years passed while we lived with each other. Then as I expected, I was taken out of that life, thrust into another. There was only one thing I felt at that point: regret. I tried being happy in the next life, but I couldn't. I could forget about the girls before, but not the one with the long blond hair. I could only cry as I went through each of the lives. I was truly lonely now. I was truly sad now. I was able to have my time with the other girls I had loved, but I left the girl at the beach without any sense of satisfaction at all. I couldn't love her. She couldn't love me. I began to have the same thoughts as I did before. I wish I could be normal. To have one life. To settle down with who I love. To marry her. To fuss over her. To be completely uninhibited by anything else as I loved her. I wish, I could be normal.
         How did this happen?
         I don't understand.
         I guess it's how the saying goes.
         You can't love someone,
         If you don't love yourself...