Choices

It was seven-thirty in the morning when Janine awoke. Her eyes opened half way and she leaned out of the bed and felt down beside the cabinet for her bottle. There was nothing there. Her eyes opened fully as the realisation of having no booze hit her. Where had her bottle gone? She was so sure that she had put it down there beside the bed last night. Had Bob found it and chucked it away as he had so many times before? She sat up with a start, wiping over her face with her hands trying to put her mind together, hoping against hope that her muddled mind would become clearer and a resolution to the problem would be immediate. Nothing happened. She looked at the other side of the bed and there was no Bob, he had obviously gone to work. She pulled back the covers and swung her legs out of the bed. They were shaky like most mornings and she had the feeling that they would not support her body weight.

“Oh! God!” She thought. “Yet another morning like this”. These such mornings were all too often, this was commonplace for Janine and she knew that she would have to have her ‘fix’ before she could face the day.

Janine stood up shakily and staggered towards the bedroom door lifting her dressing gown off of its hook. She put it on as she went unsteadily towards the top of the stairs. She grabbed the handrail and looked downwards to the bottom and as she did so her mind filled with fright. That feeling of her legs giving way returned and she worried that she would not make it to the bottom without falling down them. Janine sat down on the top step and proceeded to go down the flight on her backside. She felt a feeling of elation when she reached the ground level. She held onto the end of the handrail as she hauled herself up and headed for the lounge and towards the sideboard where she knew her answer lie.

Janine opened the cupboard and there it was a fresh, new bottle of whisky. “Thank God!” She thought as she grabbed it feverishly. She cracked open the top and grabbed a tumbler from the top of the sideboard next to the decanter. She poured herself a large scotch spilling some as her hands shook violently. It took both her hands to lift the glass to her mouth as she swallowed that desperate first drink of the day. That drink that she knew would help set her straight, that drink that she knew would help to stop the shakes, that drink that she knew would help her mind to settle down, the paranoia to stop. It was and had been for quite a while an essential part of the beginning of her day.

After three or four of these essential drinks her mind started to settle, her shakes calmed and she started to feel that she may just be able to cope with the day that now lay ahead of her. She got up from the sofa and went upstairs to get washed and dressed. As she ran the flannel over her face she looked into the mirror. What had become of her? She knew she had to stop drinking but just didn’t know how. She took a moment to look hard at herself in the mirror as she leaned on the sink for support.

“Oh! God please help me!” She said out loud. “I can’t go on like this anymore”. Janine started to cry as she dropped her head in shame of the condition she had got too.

“Please, if you are there please help me.” She looked back up at herself, hair dishevelled, tears flowing down her face as she felt at the very end of her tether.

Janine went into the bedroom to get dressed. There in her room was a full-length mirror. Once she was dressed she took another look. A feeling of disgust filled her heart; she turned and went downstairs to pour another drink. As she poured it the thought of going to the doctor entered her head and then went straight out again as she dismissed it as too embarrassing. What on earth could she do about her drinking without going to the family G.P?

As Janine sat in the armchair she tried to think of ways out of her dilemma. Bob had long ago given up on her. He had tried for so long to help her but had given up trying as nothing seemed to work. All those promises that she had given him; “I’ll cut down love” She had told him; “I’ll stop in the New Year” a resolution she had given at Christmas but none of these had she been able to stick too. Sex was a distant memory. Suddenly she remembered the last time in a drunken state she had offered herself to him like a whore and he had rebuffed her.

“You really think I want to have sex with you? You must be joking… in fact you are a bloody joke!” he had said. He had made it quite clear that their marriage was more or less over, that he had given up trying to sort her out; she had had all her chances.

She knew that she had to make a choice. Somehow, this was to be the day. Somewhere in the haze of her mind she had decided that it was now or never, she had to save her marriage; after all it had been twenty-five long years. It was now she had to try to win her husband back if it was not too late.

From nowhere the name Alcoholics Anonymous came to mind and she reached for the phone book to find a number. After all, she thought, it couldn’t be that hard to find, it began with an ‘A’. She found the number and sat in the armchair with the telephone on her lap and a nearly empty glass of scotch beside her and lifted the receiver. Panic hit her immediately. She couldn’t do this without a drink so she cast the phone aside and refilled her glass to the full. Mostly scotch but with a little water. She retook her seat and started afresh, fear filled her head as thoughts of suicide entered alongside, the only other option she thought she had.

A gentle kind sounding voice flowed down the telephone, “Hello. Alcoholics Anonymous. Can I help you?”

“Hello” Janine offered and then paused.

“Hi can I help?” The lady answered.

“I want to stop drinking.” Janine let out a sigh as though a great weight had just left her shoulders. She had said it. She had finally asked for help.

“Okay my love. My name’s Liz and I’m a recovering alcoholic. Tell me a bit more about what’s been happening.” The kind lady suggested.

Janine went into full flight and virtually told the lady her life story, her battle with the bottle, her marriage problems, how the kids had now left home and she felt so lonely. Liz listened sympathetically for quite a while.

“Okay. Would you like someone to come round and talk to you about AA and what we do? We can certainly help you.” She offered.

“Yes please… can you?” Janine replied.

“Of course. If you give me your telephone number I will ask one of our ladies to give you a ring. We have a rule of ladies for ladies and men for men. She will make a time to come round and see you. You can ask her anything you want too and then if you would like to go to an AA meeting she will take you with her so that you don’t have to go alone. Does that sound okay?”

“Yeah that’s fine.” Said Janine. She was relieved that someone was going to help her.

“You have had a drink today haven’t you?” Liz asked. “Oh! Shit” Janine thought, “I’ve been found out”.

“Yes… I’m drinking now” Janine replied.

“Okay, well try not to drink too much more today and we can get some help for you.”

Janine gave the lady her number and replaced the receiver.

After about an hour had passed a lady telephoned and had a chat with Janine. She arranged that she would call round at six o’clock and if Janine wanted to go to a meeting she would take her. Janine felt comfortable with that as the lady sounded very kind, just as the initial woman had sounded. She felt that she understood her problem so she tried not to drink much more and waited for her to come.

The doorbell rang at exactly six o’clock.

“Hello. Please come in” Janine said as she opened the door. The lady came in and went and sat on the sofa. Janine sat the other end of the sofa and they chatted about the problems that Janine was having and the lady shared some of her story and how she had stopped drinking with the benefits of AA.

Janine heard the key in the door; it was Bob coming home from work. He stood motionless in the living room doorway looking puzzled.

“This lady is from Alcoholics Anonymous Bob.” Janine explained.

“Oh!” Replied Bob weakly.

“I rang them this morning Bob and this lady has come round to have a chat and I’ve agreed to go to one of their meetings tonight. Is that Ok?”

Bob looked puzzled, it all seemed a lot to take on board, but he pulled himself together quickly.

“Yes… of course it’s ok. I just want you to get yourself sorted out.” Bob took a seat in the armchair and looked his wife squarely but wearily in the eyes.

“Janine. It’s the booze or me. I can’t go on the way we have been for so long, I can’t take any more. I’m sorry love, but that’s the way it is.”

Janine looked at him seriously. “I know”. She said, “I know it’s got to stop. I know you won’t stay if it carry’s on. But this has to be my choice Bob.”

The lady intervened; “I think we had better go if we want to get there on time. Don’t worry Bob I will take care of her” She reassured him.

“I know. Thanks for helping.” He looked at Janine and took her hand; “See you later love...”