Research Reveals New “Restless" Syndrome

Canine specialist, Dr. Lindy, affiliated with the renowned PHF Retriever Research and Rescue Institute, reports that Restless Dog Syndrome is most commonly triggered by a human’s I-can’t-make-it-until-morning trip to the bathroom.  Canine consultants, Panda, Hope and Faith, concur with this conclusion.

Symptoms include the clicking of toe nails on the plastic base of a canine’s kennel, deep yawns and sighs, mournful verbalizations, and—when nothing else rouses the household—a mad thrashing about, resulting in the rattling of a loosely latched cage door.

While the cause of Restless Dog Syndrome is unknown, research suggests that most dogs cannot go more than two to four hours without affectionate interaction with their significant human.  The flushing of a commode triggers a serotonin release resulting in salivation and slurping, as well as incessant licking and scratching.

To date, there is no cure for Restless Dog Syndrome, but there are behavioral interventions that currently provide temporary symptom relief.  An invitation to cuddle with one’s master and/or mistress—under the covers—will do wonders to alleviate most cases of RDS. 

During storms, however, it may be necessary to wedge the critter tightly between master and mistress in order to quell the involuntary quaking of the distressed dog. 

In the severest of cases, veterinarians recommend relocating your pooch to its favorite piece of living room furniture and plopping your PJ clad self on the floor nearby.  Remaining alert and close at hand to offer reassuring pats and calming tummy rubs is vital to the success of this strategy.

In the likely event that the above strategies fail, dog owners are advised to stick a stinky sock in the oral cavity of the canine and call your veterinarian in the morning.

NOTE:  No dogs were harmed during research and canine subjects were well rewarded with treats.  Human subjects, however, reported increased sleep disruption, fatigue, irritability, and restless leg syndrome.  Further research is required to determine whether there is a correlation between RDS and post-dawn marital conflict.

To request an application to participate in future studies, please contact the PHF Labrador Research and Rescue Institute. Direct your inquiry to the attention of:

Panda, Consultant to Seniors (ages 7 and above)
Hope, Consultant to Adults (ages 2-7)
Faith, Consultant to Puppies and Adolescents
Lindy, Consultant to Humans

At this time, the institute is only able to accept applications from retrievers (Golden Retrievers, Labrador Retrievers, and Goldendors).  PHF also requests a five-minute video demonstrating retriever skills.