Jealousy

But now – now it did not matter what land, what country or what island I have conquered before. All my successes that once seemed so significant and impressive were now nothing in the eyes of the people. The ulterior truth of the power that I was supposed to posses has begun to dawn on them. I lack enough wisdom to lead them. My insensibility is the only reason for their depressing situation now. I can see it in their eyes when they pass me on the streets. There is no more the gaze of respect that once encouraged the growth of the ego that gave me the pride to stand tall amongst my fellow men. Now, there are only flickers of resentment in their eyes and in some, I can even detect strong harshness that strike me with guilt because I knew. I knew that their plaintive dislike for me was due to their belief that I had betrayed them, that I had let them down. And maybe – maybe I had let them down.



The superiority that we used to possess with such dignity have now evaded our very being leaving only the purest form of misery. As I walk through the streets now, I realise how the familiarity of a path that I have taken almost every day of my adulthood has left so quickly like shadows that disappear when the sun miraculously leaves our view. Everything seems to be tinged with the depressing hue that I know have never enveloped the area so harshly and somewhere in the depths of my heart, I realise that I must have known we were merely building up for a letdown.



Surely I must have considered the jeopardy that I was landing my people in. But I had not and I no longer believe that their trust would be safe in my hands. How could I not have seen how a battlefield was more about endings than beginnings? I grasped the edge of the bench near the sidewalk and slowly lowered myself onto the battered pieces of wood that had aged over time. My eyes swept over the debris that lay forlornly on the pavement, leaving not only the aftermath of the battle but also the lost hopes of my people. Sub-consciously, my eyes fell on the little child who had his back to me as he picked through the rubbish that had been piled by the side of the dumpster, perhaps in the hope that he would find something to fill his stomach for the day. My heart ached with resignation and guilt; guilt for bringing my people the pain and misery that they were forced to live through now all because of my selfish jealousy over that little island. My jealousy that made me determined to make my country have a place in the sun, and let the others, cower under a stormy sky.



The child turned around slowly and he immediately caught my gaze. His eyes locked with mine and I could feel his hatred in his eyes pierce through my heart. His eyes were filled with resentment; blaming me for causing the deaths of so many people and for leaving him to face the bleakness of poverty alone. In his eyes, I saw the past that was gradually killing me every day.



I distinctly remember the day when I ordered my ever faithful and loyal war chiefs to attack that little island that had begun to steadily prosper and was beginning to be a threat to my own country. Jealousy had engulfed all other thoughts in my brain like a fire that was too strong to be extinguished immediately and thus, I had failed to consider my other options. My top war chief had dutifully reminded me of the possible repercussions that our country would have to face if we lost the battle but I had ignored it. At that moment, the jealousy I felt had been unbelievably overwhelming and I had weakly allowed it to overpower my actions recklessly. I did not even doubt for a second that we, this great country, could lose to such a tiny inferior island.



Even when my army suffered greatly from the forces of that little island, I refused to accept the fact and my jealousy remained unrelenting. Who could ever imagine that such a minute area could have such powers to defeat my army that was definitely stronger and better equipped. My heart burned with such fury and annoyance to see the island prosper and become more well-known amongst the foreign traders. I had been determined to conquer that island and make it mine and if that couldn’t happen, then I wanted to bring it down so it would never be able to rise again and threaten the existence of my country.



As the days went by and the battle between country and island waged on with both sides refusing to admit defeat, I began to feel despair. My people were beginning to raise concerns because in their minds, there was no need for a battle just to satisfy the jealousy of one self-centered being. Their words made me feel disgusted with myself and I began to realise how my heart had shriveled up with rotten hopes and horrid visions to conquer the island over the months of the battle. Yet, I convinced myself to believe that what I was doing was merely for the benefit of my people. In actuality, I felt indignant that my people were having their doubts about me.  Still, I could hear and see what my people were saying about me. I had let their words wash over me like streams of polluted water; dirty and hard to absorb. I had blocked their words because I knew that they were condemning my actions but still I was driven with my initial power and was extremely determined to win the battle.



Before I knew it, we had lost the battle. The local people of the island, Singapore had managed to drive our forces away. My top chief surrendered on behalf of the army. Our soldiers came home injured, tired and miserable. Some did not even make it back home and shattered families spent their days in mourning for a past that could never be made right again. And who was to blame for all the hurt and pain that had been inflicted on the people? There was only me.



For days after, I dwelled in solitary anger, flushed with an embarrassment that was rare of a ruler and ached with guilt. With angry vibes surging through my veins, I left the country at a standstill. Finally, I agreed to speak to my people and face their wrath. Tomorrow, I would address their concerns. I knew that there was no longer any reason for me to stay on as their ruler for I had disgraced them with my senseless actions. I had failed them.



The child took his eyes away from me with one last fiery glance and my gaze gradually faltered like the strength that I had tried to withhold in my being. Tomorrow would be the day. I would leave the position of a ruler to someone who was far more deserving so my fellow people would be able to place their trust once more in someone else’s hands. So today, I would have to prepare myself mentally to answer the anguish of my fellow people.



I took a glance around the seemingly deserted area. Today I would be unable to rebuild this country. Today, I would take my last stroll through this great land upon which I had been born and bred on, as a ruler. Tomorrow, I would merely be a person amidst the crowd without the respectable powers that had given me my pride.



And it would all be because of jealousy.