A Second Chance

I was angry, very angry.

Lately something had got into me; I lose my temper too easily. And boy, when I lose it, I really lose it. I mean I have no control over my actions or words. I could say the most hurting thing to you, or do something that I would regret later.

But I cooled down easily too. I mean I was never a person who would intentionally hurt a person. When I cooled down and realized my mistake, the first thing I would do was to apologize and admit my mistake. The most difficult thing is when you know it was your mistake, and you can’t pick up enough guts to admit it to yourself to go and apologize to the person you have hurt. I could not live even one second with that kind of feeling. Yes, guilty conscience was not my thing.

But one thing that pisses me off is when you have to apologize even when you know it wasn’t your fault. But for her sake I had done that a million times. We would fight, and then I would say something provoking, she would reply back. And then we would not be talking for quite some time. But in the end it was always me who had to bend down and apologize. And that sucked. I used to hate myself for a long time after that. I just couldn’t look myself in the mirror after that.

It had happened again. We had just quarreled again.

‘Boy, this relation is going no where. And you know it’, my inner voice was telling me.

“You always do this to me. You are always looking for an excuse to quarrel with me. You don’t love me. You just want to hurt me”, she continued in that repulsive tone of hers, trying to sound dominating and hurtful at the same time.

‘Man, you know she is right. You don’t love her. You should break this thing up right now’, the wise inner me continued.

“Will you shut up?” I shouted. I don’t know if I had said that to the crying girl on the other side of the phone, or to that nosy voice inside my head.

“No. I will not shut up. If you want a girl who would never raise her voice against you, you should get somebody else”, she continued in that irritating fake strong tone of hers.

“Yeah, fine. I will. Thank you”, I shouted back.

“To hell with you. I have had enough of you. You are the most irritating girl I have ever met”, I let my heart out. I disconnected the call, and then like a lousy bastard I threw my cell phone with all my strength. It hit against the wall and fell onto the ground, baring all its circuits and electronic components inside.

“Fuck”, I shouted and stormed out of my room, banging the door hard behind me.

Sam came running from the next room. I must have disturbed that idiot’s guitar practice session. He must have dropped the guitar and come running into the room.

“What happened man?” he asked.

What a jerk. He perfectly knew what had happened. It wasn’t like this was happening fro the first time. I had thrown that cell phone of mine five times in the last two months (Yes, I kept count of that too).

“Nothing”, I replied, and wished he would go back to his guitar and his lousy music. He was the worst guitarist I had ever met. But Sam liked to believe that he was the next Brad Paisley or something.

I put on my jacket, and picked up my bike keys.

“Where are you going at this hour of the night?” Sam shouted from behind, as I reached the stairs.

“To hell”, I shouted, jumping two stairs at a time, and reaching downstairs in record time.

I saw Sam hopelessly watching from the balcony, shaking his head, as I kick-started my bike, and put it into gear.

I was on the main road less than a minute later. I pressed the accelerator to its full. I had forgotten my helmet in my anger. As the needle of the speedometer touched three digit figure, the cold night air pinched against my face like a thousand needles.

‘Good, you needed the fresh air’, the evil voice in my head said happily.

I jumped a few traffic signals. There was not a soul on the road. It was near midnight. God knows why they keep the lights red at this hour of the night.

I soon hit the highway. The air became colder, and my hands were now freezing.

“To hell with everyone. The devil take them all”, I cursed under my breath.

“I don’t need anybody”.

I had no idea where I was going. My bike was on top speed.

‘Maybe I will go to the hills’, I thought.

‘Yes, the cold air there will cool your mind’, my inner voice agreed.

‘I don’t want to cool down. I am not going to apologize this time. I am tired of being sorry all the time. I have had enough’

I didn’t slow down as I jumped over a few speed breakers on the road. My bike jumped a few feet in the air, and I gripped the handles tightly as the bike landed on the other side of the speed breaker again to hit the road.

‘Who builds these crazy speed breakers on the highway? Why have highways at all if you have to slow down on them?’

The thing about taking risks is that it makes you scared about your safety, and makes you love your life more. And when you are concerned about your safety, it takes your mind off other things.

I cooled down a bit, and slowed down my bike. I had reached the hills now. I took care now of how I was driving, as I maneuvered the sharp curves on the hill road.

‘What the hell am I doing? Its way past midnight, and nobody is here. If anything happens to me here, no one will ever know’. I was thinking sensibly now. I knew the coolant in my head was working extra quick now. I was cooling now.

I decided to turn back at the next curve on the road.

Suddenly the road beneath me gave way. The next thing I knew was that I was flying through the air.

In the dark I had missed the road, and had not seen the road curve towards the right. I had gone straight off the edge of the cliff!

My heart stopped beating the instant I knew I was going to fall off the hill. I pressed the brakes as hard as I could. But I knew it was of no use.

You just can’t describe the feeling in your heart when you know at the last second that you are going to crash. You knew it was too late, and nothing you ever did could save you from hurting yourself. Or maybe die even. You just wait to find out.

The blood gushed to my head as I flew through the night sky, and fell down about thirty feet from the edge of the hill. And as I landed on hard ground below, I could hear the cracking sound of my bones.

“Oh. Fuck!” I shouted, as I realized that I must have broken every bone in my body.

“Fuck”, I shouted again. The pain was unbearable. It was as if a thousand volt electric current had just passed through my body.

“Shit. Oh God” I cried. I tried to get up, and got another thousand volt electric current. I could not move my legs. My hands would not obey my brain. I just could not move.

‘At least I didn’t crack my skull or something. At least I am not dead yet’.

I tried to get up again and almost shit in my pants. My hundred and fifty kilo bike was resting on my legs! I could not even move my hands.

For the next fifteen minutes I tried to wriggle out from under the bike. But the fact that I wasn’t able to use my hands or move my legs didn’t help much.

I spent the next half an hour shouting for help. There was no one around. Who would you expect to be in the middle of the forest at this hour of the night? Not everybody was a s stupid as me.


‘This is it. You are going to die here, and no one will ever know’, the voice in my head said with a chuckle.

I cried. I cried there for about an hour, lying on the ground like a cripple, with the unbearable pain running through my body.

This is the end. I am going to die here, and nobody would even know. I wished I hadn’t broken my cell phone. I wished I had told Sam where I was going. I wished I had never stormed out of the house in anger. I wished I had not fought with her. I wished I was not so hot headed.

How did I ever get here?

‘Well, what do you think, you selfish idiot?’ the voice in my head was sad now.

‘All you ever did was think about yourself. You never cared for anyone. You never cared for the people who loved you so much. You never care d for the girl who loved you with all her life. You never cared for your parents and your little sister, who think the world for you. You didn’t care about your friends who loved you so much. You meant the world to them all. But what do you give them, you lousy bastard? Only pain and suffering? Serves you right, you good-for-nothing idiot. Die now’.

I cried. I cried for long. And as I saw the moon silently watching me from up above, I prayed to God after a long time. I prayed to him to give me a second chance.



EPILOGUE:

I was in the hospital for one whole year. The doc said I will never be able to walk again.

But I know God had given me a second chance. And I grabbed at it gratefully. At least I am still alive to see this beautiful world again.

My girl still loves me. She is by my side all the time. My family loves me. The whole year I was at the hospital, my father didn’t even think twice about spending his hard earned money on my expensive medicines and treatment. My mother stayed with me the whole year I was at the hospital. Sam still is a lousy guitarist. But to me it was the best music I had ever heard, when he used to sit beside my bed every evening, excitedly playing his latest composition for me.

I value my life more now. I love this world. I love the people. I love traveling around, and seeing this beautiful world. I miss riding my bike though. But when you have seen death from as close as I have, your outlook towards life changes. You stop running after stupid things like money and fame, which are of no use to a person if he is not alive. Life is beautiful. I am grateful for what I have today. And I am grateful to God for giving me this second chance. That night, lying helplessly on the ground, waiting for the impending death, I had promised God that if he gave me a second chance, I would not disappoint him. I will make the most of it. So far I haven’t broken my promise.

But sometimes I still wish I never had to use this second chance. If only I had used my first chance better.