How I stopped beleiving

I was brought into this world completely against my will. I was told that a man named Jesus created me out of love. He also created my parents, and the entire world. I used to wonder why there was something rather than nothing. When I was told about god, and that my life was planned I thought that that meant I would stay a child forever, and have my parents as my guardians. If a good all powerful man created me for the sake of enjoying life, this is what I beleive he would do for me. What would be the need to grow up in such a world?
I used to think that this world was a peaceful place, since it was created by god. I observed war in the many historical war movies that I watched on television as a very young child. I assumed that those where things that only uninformed, and unintellegent people would do. I felt that humanity had advanced emotionally enough to know that fighting does not accomplish anything. I thought that since we were now advanced enough to create televisions and recreate what we actually look like and how inefficient war was toward civilization that we simply did not do it anymore. To have a war in my lifetime would, to me, be like breaking the laws of physics. I once that that color was a new law of physics that the universe/god evolved for us to enhance our pleasant experience of this totally arbitrary existance of ours. I thought that war was something that was sort of edited out of the project by my lifetime in order to make sure that we could all pursue happiness uninhibited. Of course pursuit of war could be a pursuit of happiness, war is very satisfying when you happen to be winning it, but alcohol is also very satisfying untill you destroy your health with it.
When I was barely out of my toddler years I was fully developed emotionally. I had a pretty decent grasp on what civilization was. It involved order and constructive thought, not primitive urges to fight and kill. I had thought that humankind had become a purely logically thinking orderly being. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that in me. I was a product of orderliness and logic, and I was destined to become a being of orderliness and logic. Anything socially unnacceptable, such as my urges to hurt another child on the playground because I was jealous that he got something I didn't were to be done away with as I molded my mind into this logically thinking being. I knew there was crime in the world, but I thought that this was the last of the disorderliness that was left in the world and that one day it might be done away with as well. I also learned that sexual urges are a means of procreation, I learned how my body worked and wondered why a god would create such urges. I examined sex and then love.. The two ideas did not seem to relate well. One was instinct, and the other was based on what I see as a more intellectual feeling.Becoming a logically thinking being was important to me, but I would never know if I would ever acheive this. I was born without any knowledge, and my new goal was to seek out the hows and whys to everything. I firmly beleive that every human being goes through this stage, and quite possibly many never lose this motivation completely. I guess it is why we say children are curious.
I had these thoughts pounded so firmly in my mind, and they ran into much conflict. Why is it that I wanted to do things that hurt people when I did not get my way? This is not the way a logically thinking person behaves, I should not have this urge. Maybe at some point I would lose it. And then there was that other urge that all humans have....the urge to procreate. I felt it, and at a very young age I felt it. Now this was something that caused me to become extremely confused. I knew what anger, and happiness were, but what was this? Order and logic would not allow for such an urge to exist. I could feel the urge, but I could not even begin to understand what I had to do to satisfy it. What was happening?
As I grew older, I learned more and more about life. But for the longest time I kept on thinking that god had plans. I learned that sexual urges allowed humankind to procreate and I wondered why god would have procreation done in such a way. Love and sex do not fit in the same category in my view. My organs don't care what they are rubbed up against as long as it feels good. For awhile I was attracted to the objects in my dreams that had no resemblence to a human body. There were a few cartoon female characters I was attracted to, and also the young female babysitter I had. Though some of the things I was attracted to resembled the human female, most of what I was attracted to for awhile were objects.
Some may see this as twisted, and I really do not beleive that there is a rule to sex that says we must be attracted to humans in particular. All the organs want is warmth and texture, there is no specific shape that the organ wants. I remember thinking about this and wondering why is it that I next moved on to being attracted to females. It may not necessarily be just the voice, face, or the shape that I am attracted to, but they do help, and my particular preference in a sexual partner began to form at random im pretty sure. Why would the mind do this? If god created the mind then he created my capacity to do this. He created the possibility that I would one day start to think about the kind of mate I would want much the same way a chef decides the flavour and shape of the cake that he wants. This was not love at all, it was pure instinct. I still believed in god, but I began to get more and more confused as to what his real plans were.
Life seemed so random and arbitrary at times. Why would I feel a random pain in my leg for a brief moment and then it would go away and never bother me again or cause any problems in life? Why is there such thing as burning balls of gas billions of miles away? Why is it that there are volcanic eruptions and hurricanes. Why are there also volcanoes and hurricanes on other planets? Did god plan for a volcano to erupt on venus? What would be the point? I thought of these things and I still believed that god had plans.
Then in my teenage years there was 9/11. I remember it well, teachers did not teach class that day, instead we would roll in the television and watch the news. We were under attack the teachers would say, but I only saw a crime scene, not an all out war. And then later it turned into an all out war, and then my country decided to invade another country that had nothing to do with it. I knew what the urge to have war was just another urge, like the urge to have sex. Of course it is socially unacceptable and only best that I dont just have sex with any woman I am attracted to at anytime I want. And also it is socially unacceptable for me to decide I want to have a war or fight with someone just because I feel like it. And then it came to me. There was no plan, everyone goes through life doing what they feel like doing. Thats why people want to please their gods so that they can go to that paradise at the end of their lives and do what they feel like doing for the rest of eternity. There is no plan, no god, just randomness and I guess just a little bit of order coming from the human mind.