Chuck Norris was castrated today.

Chuck Norris is the name of our family kitten. A friend of mine thought I should mention this little fact because apparently that name is already taken by some big-shot actor and my friend was worried that titling my journal with this might cause some confusion and panic...yeah...anyway.

...Oh yeah and also the title was used to lure you in (and if you fell for it....hello!) - because as we all know, people who write journals (such as myself) measure their self-worth based on the combined number of views/comments they get...(not even a joke.)

...(okay, maybe it was slightly.)

In all seriousness, It’s quite ironic having a male kitten named Chuck Norris (arguably one of the most masculine men to ever have existed) who no-longer has any testicles. I can’t shake the feeling that the kitten resents me slightly for what we did to him, especially the role I played – Taking him to the vets. It’s understandable though; If someone had been the one to force me into a cage and taken me to hospital to forcibly have my balls removed…I wouldn't exactly be overly warm with them either…When he got back he was still a little dazed from the anaesthetic and was content to simply walk around, randomly falling into furniture/people/stairs etc. – On that note, if you ever want a good time. Place a recently post-anathematised kitten at the top of some stairs and his food bowl at the bottom…he was like a fluffy Slinky. I like to imagine at this point half the readers just went "awwwwh!!! cute." and the other half went "Aaagh! that's so mean" - yes, yes it was...especially the third or forth time I made him do it.

Moving away from kittens now (which, for them at least, is probably safer) - The original title for this journal was going to be called

"F**k clichés" - he said, stroking his white cat whilst rotating in his black swivel chair to face the secret agent who'd just approached him."

But I realised two things that were wrong with this title. The first was that, it's a rather long title for the short amount of material that I have on cliché's and the second was, as amusing and ironic as the title is, the humour really isn't worth the amount of people who would disregard such a title because their attention span corresponds with the length of such a title. Because as we all know, length (or lack of) is everything. - Especially if you want to make people laugh.

(Bit of innuendo for you there!)...I also hate myself slightly for starting a sentence with "because"...but, anyway...I'll struggle on. The grammatical nightmare that writing to amuse is.

Aaanyway. I saw an advert on an internet site (as opposed to a building site) whilst I was trying to watch a game review...this annoying little pop-up got in the way and it featured a trailer for some shit action film that featured an overly sexualised blonde women stating the utterly contradictory phrase:

"Sometimes bad guys are the only good guys there are" - what utter nonsense.
I wanted to rip my own ears off and swallow them to protect them from any more of this kind of shit. Merely using a clichéd voice doesn't mean you can get away with saying anything you like. I don't walk outside, tilt my head to one side and exclaim out-loud "ah, the rain feels warm today." - Even if I did, my lack of ears would prevent me from hearing it...so it's all good.

Finally, something sticky (and it's always best if the 'something sticky' is final) NO, BAD OSCAR, LEAVE THE INUENDO'S ALONE NOW. - What I meant to say was: Hair gel adverts in the Uk are getting more and more absurd. I've bought this new one called "Glued" and that's precisely my point...I'm sure it won't be long before we just abandon hair gel altogether and remember that PVA dries transparent. A similar example is the last 'product' I used to use called "Matt Clay" - it has the texture of clay and the consistency...but they advertise it like that's a good thing!...I may as well just go down to the river before my nights out (I've ended up there once of twice as a result anyway!), yet here I am, wasting money on genetically modified 'clay', what a fool I've been. Also, is it just me or does "Matt Clay" sound like a guys name? - Possibly the kind of guy who does badly at school and drops out to join the army...

Hope all my readers are well.

Oscar.

Oh, if you were 'lured' into this journal, then I'll just say thanks for getting to the end

..."thanks".