A Little Known Way To Get Revenge

A Little Known Way To Get Revenge

word count: 1000

Based on a true story...

Do you remember when the days that you could leave anything outside of your home and no one would dare to touch it?  I mean, back in the days, you could trust your neighbors to not touch your swag, your stuff, your loot.  Ha, I could leave a Lamborghini out in our suburbs of Flatbush, New York with the keys in the ignition and a Subway meatball sandwich on the dashboard while I would be at the home.  I could come back and find the car keys in an envelope with a smiley face saying “Please be careful” and hot steamy cup of coffee (I like mine black.  Not some of the wonky coffee of Starbucks yet the good stuff.  You know.  The guy with the donkey.  Now that’s living).  That all changed when she moved in the area.

Now I don't mind helping my neighbors out.  Not at all.  Except one.  The little conniving weasel named Dr. Penny Van Gough.  A face like an angel and an attitude like a frothing warthog.  You ever saw the movie “The Devil Wears Prada?”  She was like that lady on steroids.

She thought she owned the world because she was named the top plastic surgeon in New York and although she could easily live anywhere, she chose the humble suburbs of Flatbush because she could live a quiet little life.  All this was an act of course.  Behind that angelic face was a Medusa who would manipulate others. 

Whenever a new neighbor moves in, the residents would kindly come over to greet and get to know them.  This is how community is made, right?  So all of the residents went to meet good old Dr. Van Gough during the fall season. 

As a single Computer Programmer entrepreneur, I would look out of the window to see how the greetings would go and for some reason, the residents would leave either crying or yelling at her.  Penny would smile devilishly and slam the door.

Even my best buddy from grade school Buzz tried his good old “Buzz charm” (which no woman can resist he claimed although he had yet to have a steady girlfriend for three years straight) tried to work her with his cheesy smile that make him look like the Cheshire Cat from Alice In Wonderland. 

According to Buzz, he rang the doorbell and she opened the door dressed her in doctor’s lab coat with her hair in a tight bun with those square Gucci eyeglasses and looked him up and down.  Buzz was a sight to look at.  Buzz had a thing for Hulk Hogan and would wear sizzling yellow Hulk Hogan T-shirts plastered to his massive gelatin-like body with dark blue jeans that looked like he had to oil himself up in order to fit them.

Van Gough almost fell over with laughter as she saw him and sneered, “If you jumped in a lake, Fatty, you would drown the whole world.”

Buzz had a German chocolate cake that he had purchased for her.  Buzz is as loveable as a teddy bear but you don’t want to get on his bad side.  He is a master prankster.  Buzz smiled demurely and quipped, “Ah, you must be the arithmetic woman; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.”  Van Gough was stunned and Buzz rushed off before she could come back with anything.  If I knew Buzz, this was only the beginning for the hapless Doctor and I had a sneaky feeling that more was to come.  Buzzmania was about run wild on her. 

The Winter of 2011 has been off the charts.  I have never seen or heard such a brutal time in the city of New York.  We have truly experienced a snowpocalypse.  Thanks, Al Gore, for nothing.

One Saturday night I was watching the television extremely late (okay, truth be told, the television was watching me with my head leaning back, sucking mammoth amounts of oxygen and sounding like a wheezing grizzly).  I would say the time was about 12:35 a.m. 

My sleep was snatched away from me when my cell phone rang playing “I’m A Real American” (Hulk Hogan’s entrance theme music). 

“Sigh, its Buzz.” I groggily crawled along the cough and grabbed my Samsung Galaxy cell to stop the song.

“'Ello,” I answered with my voice cracking like I was entering puberty.

“Marty, this is Buzz.  How would you like to help me get back at Dr. Evil?” I could hear from his background noise that he was watching World Wrestling Entertainment videos with all of the cheering and commotion.

“No.  I don’t.”

“Marty!  Y’ve seen what she done to the neighbors.  Ya got to help me pull this off.  The broad had the nerve to steal my snow shovel to shovel her own place and did not return it!  No one steals round here!  Remember the security camera footage I showed ya.”

Rubbing my eyes of the crusty bits of sleep, I said, “Yeah.  I seen the attachment you sent me through email.” 

“You got to help me, Marts!  I mean, what would Hogan do?”

I knew Buzz was like a bulldog when he had an idea.  “Sigh.  Okay.  Okay.  I’m in.  What do you want me to do?”

“You know that snowplower you have access to from the David’s since they are on vacation?”

“Yeah.”

I could feel an evil plot forming. 

The next frigid morning I grabbed a cup of steaming coffee and sat in my swivel chair facing the window to see the action at Dr. Penny’s place.  Dr. Penny slithered out of her home to go to the office.  She was the classic type A personality.  As she stepped her red Gucci boots into the fresh snow in front of her home.  She was stricken with horror.  Her Lexus luxury car was buried under a mountainous heap of white death and I smiled demurely as I filmed with my video camera her tirade.  Youtube, here I come.