dear mother of trust

mom , i think of the fact how your just never going to trust me. looking at other people's lives , and watvhing movies, helps me form a different point of view. the point is that i treat you the way i do. i always will . its because you dont trust me .

Its getting old
I don’t know who I am anymore
I feel like all writers have this notion
This notion of pain we must write down , and see if others will enjoy
Sometimes, its like a forced motion

Its actually like you and me
And how you give me pleasure
But I didn’t ask it to be this way
I know you like it, im sure

But that’s all you want anymore , and what you don’t seem to adore.


We awe at the difference between the root and the tree
One is smalll ,
The others big but you need the small one for the big one to exist..
Its like I need you.
And your small .
So you exist.







I went to my granfather's grave. It's the smallest words we can't say . i got there, and could't utter a word. the sole purpose of me going there was to just talk to him . i do it all the time anyways, i couldnt understand why i couldnt just do it . Odd. It was my first time i was there since he was buried. its weird , its just a grave, but his body is underneath of it. to visit a grave , is like visting the past. and who says the future isn't just the past , with bright lights. Mom doesn't know i went. i told her i was just doing the usual with my firends. We're going to Deleware right now, and she still doesn't know . youd think she would check the milage, since i was gone for so long. im going to tell her! i have to , i feel so guilty. i dont. im thinking of my grandpop , but i cant really remember him .

i remember his smile, if that helps. it was one of those , one in a million smiles. the one that just takes your breathe away , every time. why cant i remember? i would trade anything just to sit in his lap , and for him to read me a book . Just a pointless story , it wouldnt matter. just the fact that i was with him , would be the only thing that mattered. Imaginging this is the only thing close , i have to it beocming reality. so i'll just dream for a while.

i hate visiting grandmom . Just thinking of how sad i am . i can only imagine why shes so depressed. Him leaving , just took the life out of her. shes hopeless without him , but we all are. I rmemeber how he smelled when he was alive. Even though i cant remember much , i remember that. its pretty sad, how sad we all are still . Momom says she sees Johnny in my eyes. Johnny was my dad's little brother, who got hit by a car when he was ten . Still so hopleless, maybe i am johnny . wait , thats impossible . but maybe there is a part of him , in me. maybe thats why im my dad's favorite. thst must be why he treats me like his son, and wrestles me all the time.

His name was Everet , my grandfather. he is my only grandfather, i never met my mom's dad. poor alcoholic. My dad's middle name is Everet , i think i'll change mine to that also. Just to feel some part of him , when i introduce myself.

Its so odd , i've never had a day where i didn't want to speak to anyone . but i'm speaking to my mother. technology isn't helping. everyone's trying to kep in contact with me 24/7. I just want a lonely day in the wilderness, with me nature, and maybe my ipod.


I'm thinking of junior prom , and how i don't want to go. i dont want to at all. prom sounds so horrifying , like most dances. Once your there , it's not so scary anymore, i must admit. Aspecially if you bring someone to share the butterflies with. I'm a junior, and i've only had one date to a dance, where i completely ignored him the whole night. It was alright though , i got drunk all throughout the dance, and went bowling intoxicated afterwards.


i find the need to get drunk after dumb situations. Or to get drunk before them . it seemes that i cant deal.


Still on the way to deleware, i see a man on top of a bridge. He looks like he wants to jump . I wonder if he's going to . Everyone thinks of suicide though , right. Its wether or not they are going to go through it or not. depression.