Jesus Came Home I thru IX (VII-IX new!)

~Jesus Came Home~

One day Jesus came home. "This place is a mess." he said. "The children are always fighting and there's trash everywhere. What a wreck! When was the last time you dusted?"

" I dunno..." said God. "I gave it a good soaking a few millenia ago but really haven't done much since then. I just don't feel like it. Can't seem to find the motivation. I used to keep this place up but what's the point when it just gets dirty again? I mean, I'll spritz some Plague here and there just to try and keep the critters under control. Sometimes when I'm really bored or incredibly motivated I'll shake out some Natural Disaster just to keep the coast lines clean and the pests on their toes. I've tried to teach them boundaries and limitations through beauty and compassion but find I get the best results from fear and unpredictability. But I've grown weary of constantly trying to keep up with their antics so I have pretty much just left them to their own devices. Hence, the mess. What are you doing here anyways? You come over to see me or just to tell me my house is dirty?"


~Jesus Came Home II~

One day Jesus came home. "They're passing fliers out about me out there."

"Yeah?" asked God. "What do they say?"

"Well, there are a few different ones. Some are pretty tame. Like: You have a friend in me. I dig that one. This one cracks me up: Have you found me? Like I'm hiding or on the lam. There's another one that states that I save. I do. It's the smart thing to do for retirement. But then there are some that are absolutely horrible! There's one that has a picture of some Jews burning in hellfire with me standing over them laughing. And another that has a picture of two guys holding hands being burned at a stake while I point and smile. That's crazy! Hell, I'm Jewish! And I love the homos! For that matter, I love everybody! What's wrong with these people?"

"Yeah, it never ceases to amaze me the hateful things they think of to do in our names. You should see some of the crap they do in mine. Go talk to your mother. She's pissed off about it too."



~Jesus Came Home III~

One day Jesus came home. "Hey Pops! Have you seen these Westboro Baptist Church people? They're nuts."

"Uh, yeah." said God. "I'm God. I can't help but see everything. What about them?"

"What about them? They're loons! And they're doing all their crap in our names! That's what's about them. And they obviously won't listen to me. What're you gonna do about them?"

"Me? Why would I do anything? I haven't done anything for years. It's why I had you."

"Awww..c'mon, man! They protest at funerals and spew out hate speech. I mean, have you seen this Fred Phelps guy? He looks like the creepy preacher man from Poltergeist II. It's like he fell out of the Ugly Tree of Life and hit every branch on they way down. You have do do something!"

"Oh Jesus Christ! Will you stop sweatin' me? Besides..." said God with a sly smile. "There's a reason I've been called a wrathful god. They're only human. Nobody lives forever."



~Jesus Came Home IV~

One day Jesus came home. "Mom! Hey! Have't seen you in a while! Whatcha been up to?"

"Hi Hon. Just been doing a little traveling." said Mary.

"Yeah, I've been trying to keep up with where you've been. Let's see, I know you went to France. Lourdes, right? And you went to Mexico. Guadalupe I think. And what the hell were you doing in Conyers, Georgia?"

"I like Conyers. It's quaint. And quiet."

"Didn't you go to Chicago too? I saw the shrine they put up to you on the wall of the expressway."

"No. I didn't go there. That's just a piss stain that they decided to revere. You know. They get a little overzealous sometimes with their idolatry."

"Aww..too bad." Said Jesus with a smile. "That one's my favorite. The resemblance is uncanny!"

"Smart ass."


~Jesus Came Home V~

One day Jesus came home. "What up Daddy-O? You keeping track of all the going ons in Egypt?"

"No." said God. "It's not my territory."

"What do you mean it's not your territory?"

"It's not my territory is what I mean. I handle The West. Your uncles handle The East. If you wanna know what's going on in Egypt go talk to your Uncle Allah."

"Ugh...I hate talking to him. He's cranky. He looks like Osama bin Laden and always has Hamas in his beard."

"I think you mean hummus."

"Hummus, Hamas.." said Jesus rolling his eyes. "What's the difference?"


~Jesus Came Home VI~

One day Jesus came home. "Mom! Dad! We need to talk."

"I can't right now." said God. "I'm busy."

"Busy? You don't do crap!"

"What is it, hon?" asked Mary.

"It's those Westboro Baptist Church people again. Can't we do something about them? And while we're at it, can't we do something about all the crooked charlatans out there like Eddie Long, Ted Haggard, Jim Baker, and The Pope?"

"Oh, for Christs sake!" exclaimed God. "We're back to that? Look Son, I've told you before. It's not our place to deal with these folks at this time. They'll come into their own soon enough."

"I dunno..." said Mary. "I'm not too keen on The Pope myself. I've had issues with that postion ever since it was created."

"Hehe..." chuckled God. "I've heard of The Dirty Sanchez and The Rusty Trombone. What position is The Pope?"

"Oh, you know the one." Smiled Mary. "It's when I wear my best vestments, get down on my knees, and call you Little Johnny. I know you like it but it's hell on my joints. Plus, you tend to go all Bill Clinton and the dry cleaners here are horrible."

"I hate you guys." Said Jesus and stomped out.


~Jesus Came Home VII~

One day Jesus came home. "Good Lord, Dad! What do you have against Japan? The place is a wreck! What did they do to deserve that?"

"I had nothing to do with that." Said God.

"Then why's it called and Act of God?"

"Well, sometimes I do create little catastrophes to shake things up, no pun intended, but, I swear, this one wasn't mine. This one was an Act of Nature."

"You mean to tell me Mother Nature did this? The same Mother Nature that created fuzzy bunnies and daffodils?"

"Yes. Her. See, you haven't known her anywhere nearly as long as I have. It hasn't always been a walk in the park with her. You should have seen this place when she first came around. She was constantly pissed. Slammin' continents around left and right. This place looked like Hell! Literally. She's quieted down immensely in her older age but she used to be quite the rabble rouser. I guess she still has it in her, though. I never really know where she's coming from. I just do my best to smile and stay out of her way."

"Wow!" exclaimed Jesus. "Who knew Mother Nature was a crazy bitch?"


~Jesus Came Home VIII~

One day Jesus came home. "So Dad, what really happens to people when they die?"

"The same thing that happens to dogs." replied God, never looking up from his newspaper.

"Can you ever give a straight answer? Ever? Seriously though, I mean it all seems so subjective. What's the definite answer?"

"There is no definite answer. People go where they believe they're going. Some to Heaven. Some to Hell. Some to Nirvana. Some stay right here on Earth. Belinda Carlisle came pretty close to hitting it on the head. She even sang a song about it."

"Really, Dad? Belinda Carlisle?" asked Jesus, raising an eyebrow.

"Hey...I like her. She's pretty sexy for an older lady. That Playboy spread she did...hubba hubba!"

"Ugh...I'm gonna go ask Mom."


~Jesus Came Home IX~

One day Jesus came home. "What do you think of marijuana Dad?"

"I love it! Best thing Mother Nature ever invented. Your Mom and I were high as kites when we made you. As a matter of fact, we actually named you after the Mexican guy we bought it from."

"Well, at least that explains why I like it so much. But I gotta say, I've had a couple of mix ups due to pot."

"Yeah? Like what?"

"Well, me and some folks were taking a nice row out on Lake Galilee and passin' the pipe around. We were all high as hell and I told everyone that I felt like I could walk on water. But all those stoned fuckers heard was: "I can walk on water." And you know those stories about bread and wine? I didn't really make all that bread and wine. We were all high at a wedding and had the stankest cotton mouth so I grabbed some water and told them I wished it was wine instead. Of course, they were so stoned they thought I could make wishes come true and had turned it into wine. Who doesn't know that water isn't wine?"

"Really thirsty pot-heads?"

"I guess." shrugged Jesus. "Amateurs."

"And the bread...?"

"Oh yeah, the bread. No bread. Well, other than the original 5 loaves. I ate two of those myself and gave the other three to whoever was closest to me. Share and share alike I always say. The rest was just some mushrooms we found out in a nearby cow pasture. That shit fucked them up! They started seeing burning bushes and hearing voices from the sky. Trippy as hell!"

"Wait a minute. I thought that was Moses?"

"Dude, who do you think told us about the cow pasture?"




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