....... brew-ha-ha .......

........................................................................


it was back in the early '90's ...

the home brewing of beer was taking off ...

micro breweries were popping up commercially ...

and i needed a hobby ...

................................................

i told someone what i was going to get into ....

they thought i was an alcoholic ...

................................................

my wife was very leery of this project ...

but she liked to drink beer ...

so i got the ok ...

whew ....

................................................

it's not that complicated ...

i equate it to the making of spaghetti sauce ....

one basic recipe ...

that can be done a thousand different ways .....

................................................

so, like anything else i get into ...

i go whole hog ...

................................................

first thing .....

is to collect all the hardware ...

the big carboy bottle ...

it holds 5 gallons ...

you would know it, because ...

it's mostly used by bottled water companies ....

then there's all the rest ...

the air lock, that goes on top of it ...

hydrometer, for testing alcohol content ...

boiling pot ...

siphons ...

bottle brushes ...

racking cane for filling bottles ...

.....................................................

at the time .....

there was only one store that sold supplies ...

for the making of beer and wine ...

it was in royal oak ...

an old store front, dim on the inside ...

every time i entered ...

the proprietor ...

an elderly gentleman ...

always came out of the darkness of the back room ...

he scurried out in his wheel chair ...

using his legs for propulsion ...

his arms flailing about as he went ...

i nicknamed him the spider man ...

he was nice enough ...

.................................................................

i have to go off on a little tangent here ...

when i first came to detroit to start collage ...

after meeting a few over fellow students ..

we decided to go out and get some ...

what else ...

beer ....

one guy says, i drive to the party store ...

i think a party store? ...

i had a vision of us going ...

to a store where there was a party ...

boy! was i a hick from new jersey ...

or what ....

as it turns out ...

it's just a corner store that sells alcohol ...

i'm learning ...

oh! and they call soda, pop here in michigan ....

i now call it soda pop ...

................................................

then i decided to use grolsh beer bottles ...

it an imported dutch beer ...

they have what is called a bail top ...

a ceramic stopper with a rubber washer ...

connected to the bottle with a swinging wire bail ...

this is were i particularly went whole hog ...

i collected them from every party store around ...

every time i pasted a party store ...

i would stop in and ask if the had any ...

because they were a returnable bottle ...

i was only charged a dime for them ...

what a bargain ...

in the end ...

i think i collected way over 200 of them ...

so many ...

i had to buy a metal shelf to put them all on ..

most of the other stuff i needed ...

could be found around the kitchen ...

which my wife begrudgingly let me use ..

after all ...

she was going to help drink the beer too ...

.................................................

ahhhh, my first batch ...

i get started ....

get out this old giant boiling pot ...

mix up the powered malt extract in water ...

and boil ...

it smells like bread baking ...

while that's going on ...

i put some whole malted grains ...

of barely on a cookie tray in the oven ...

to toast them to give the beer color ...

and wait ...

..................................................

it think i waited to long ...

the pot starts to boil over ...

causing a big mess ...

then oven starts smoking ...

i'm starting to burn the grains of barley ...

uggg ...

i compose myself ...

clean up ...

..................................................

pouring the wort that's in the pot ...

into the 5 gallon carboy bottle ...

pitch in the grain, hops and yeast ...

bingo ....

done for now ....

the carboy goes into the closet ...

to let the yeast consume the sugary solution ...

making the alcoholic brew ...

..................................................

in a few weeks ...

it's time to bottle up the brew ...

before i do i have to add ...

a little more of the powdered malt extract ...

to the brew to carbonate the sealed bottles ...

i better put in a little more than necessary ...

so the beer will have a good head on it ...

.................................................

the hardest part of beginning this hobby ...

is waiting ...

for the first batch to be ready to drink ...

.................................................

weeks go by ...

and then a couple more ...

finally ...

it's almost time to pop the first bail top ...

.................................................

the anticipation is growing ...

.................................................

then one night ...

the wife shakes me from my sleep ...

there's someone in the house, she says ...

there is some kind of noise coming from downstairs ...

i'm to groggy to tell what ...

so down i go ...

with a baseball bat in hand ...

......................................................

down at the bottom of the stairs ...

i hear it ...

it's some kind of popping noise ...

it's coming from the closet ...

i open it's door and turn on the light ...

......................................................

oh no ....

it's my expectant beer ...

the bottles are exploding ...

right before my eyes ...

spraying their precious contents all over ...

the beautiful foamy head ...

i wanted to see at the top of my full glass ...

was all over the walls, the floor, ....

pop, pop, pop ...

and now me ....

i rush in to the closet to save what i can ...

but slip on the sudsy floor ..

i hit the ground like a 50 pound sack of grain ...

laying there in shame ...

i get up ...

cover in what might have been my glory ...

gathering my dignity ...

which wasn't easy with my wife standing over me ...

glaring in disgust ...

i'm not cleaning that up, she says ...

some how she felt pity for me ...

and helped me dispose ...

of what would have been my finest hour ...

..................................................

but wait ...

what's this ...

oh, my god ....

hidden under the last of the dissipating beer foam ...

are two bottles ...

that haven't burst ...

...................................................

the two of us stand there ...

looking at them ...

she says ....

we better drink'um ..

before they pop ....

we, then, are the ones who are busting ...

with laughter ...

i get two glasses ...

most, very carefully, i pick up the first bottle ....

gently, swing open the bail top of the first bottle ...

a loud noise follows ...

it sounds like a bottle of champagne popping ...

the fizzy contents flow into the glass ...

the aroma is divine ...

the hoppy fragrance ...

fills the air ...

with great expectations the contents of second bottle ...

is brought forth ...

the bail top is swung open ...

success ...

the nectar flows ...

for one one final time ...

........................................................

maybe it was exhaustion ...

maybe it was the lateness of the evening ...

maybe it was the pride i had ...

that made those well deserved brews ...

taste so wonderful ...

...........................................................

the empty bottles of joy ...

were placed back on the shelf ...

with great hopes of brewing another batch ...

..........................................................

if i can talk my wife into it ....

..........................................................

truth be told ...

back when i was married ...

i brewed beer for about two years ...

there were no incidents as portrayed above ...

i stopped brewing ...

because we built a house and my daughter was born ...

my free time became limited ...

if i wrote about my time brewing ...

it would sound more like a how to article ...

that's not how i wanted the story to go ...

i wanted to add a little brew-ha-ha to it ...

...........................................................