The Advantages Of...Serial Killers

The camera fades in to show a smiling man wearing a black tuxedo in a TV studio. He wears his jet black hair in a combed back fashion and has a smile that demonstrates a natural charisma. Behind him is a large neon sign that reads "The Advantages Of..."

"Welcome to tonight's issue of 'The Advantages Of...', the program where we try to show the good people of the world why those things they think are terrible...are acutally good." The man said with an entuthiastic, deep voice. "My name is Jerry Belham and tonight's show will be about serial murders!"

The audience immediately began to cheer wildly at the mention of the program's topic. Belham walked backwards and sat down on a mahogany desk placed behind him. Due to the fact that the desk had absolutely nothing on it and no chair behind it, one could asume it was only there so Belham could sit on it in a stereotypical "compassionate boss" fashion.

"Now, most people of the world look down on serial killers but this is only because they do not realize the good qualities about these infamous raving psychopaths." Mr. Belham spoke. "So I will now demonstrate how a serial killer can not only be beneficial for an individual but for a whole community."

Belham sat up and walked over to a metal board that had five black tapes placed on it.

"Now, serial killers are often psychologically tortured by either parents or peers when they grow up so they never tend to adjust to normal life. Because of this, they often don't get good jobs and tend to live in poverty and around other poor people. So, since serial killers often stalk around the home that gives us the first advantage..."

Belham removed the first black tape from the board, which revealed the words:

1: Poor People Are Killed

"Yes ladies and gentelemen...poor bastards get killed and since they get killed they are not around anymore, so a city can claim that its poverty standards have gone down, which makes the city look better and more people who can afford to move in will move in." Belham announced cheerfully. "Everybody's happy, except the poor people but nobody cares about them...they're poor!"

The audience cheered and Belham smiled as he pulled off the second tape, revealing the words:

2: Cops Get Easy Jobs

"That's right. Serial killer cases often require a lot of police detectives to handle and since serial killers take a lot of time to act, officers cn barely do anything until the killer strikes again, which means they get paid to do very little work because that's all they can do! They get paid a lot for much too little!" Belham spoke entuhiastically. "And that's what capitalism is all about!"

Belham turned back to the board and pulled off the third tape, showing a plaque that read:

3: "Undesirables" Get Murdered

"Once again, many serial killers act due to a 'moral code' of theirs that gets them to kill people whom they percieve as 'immoral'. Since most serial killers are raised by good-hearted, God-loving, abusive catholic parents these serial killers tend to take out the disgusting cockroach humans who ruin our society...like fucking homosexuals, jews, asians and dirty, dirty, rotten socialists!"

The audience cheered wildly at the mention of the death of socialists and Belham proceeded to tear off the fourth tape, displaying the message:

4: Gun Sales Go Up

"Yes, there is nothing more American than having the arms dealerships take advantage of the mass panic created by the presence of a serial killer to sell good, all-American idiots dangerous weapons they can barely handle. Plus, this compliments reason two, since dumb people with guns will always end up shooting each other for no reason and police officers will be able to close the case of two idiots shooting each other pretty fast and get paid a lot for doing so." Belham explained. "Finally we have..."

Belham removed the final tape to show a sign reading:

5: Movie Rights

"We couldn't close the show without mentioning how for every tragedy that strikes, Hollywood is always ready to make a movie about it. Everyone wins when tons of people are killed so that L.A. fat cats can get rich quickly by making a crummy movie with former A-list actors trying to reach a former glory." Belham explained.

The host returned to his desk and announced.

"There you have it, gentlemen. Next time a vicious psycopath is going around the city killing people, take some time to look around and you will see that homos and pesky racial minorities are getting killed, guns are spiraling out of control and rich guys are getting richer for nothing." Belham passionately announced. "Then you will realize that all is well and that you wished you could meet that serial killer so you could thank him for the good he is doing to the community."

Belham turned from the audience to the camera.

"That's all the time we have for today but remember, you will be able to see more of 'The Advantages Of...' next week, where we'll be discussing the advantages of...AIDS!" Belham announced. "So have a good week and remember...for every tragedy, plague, murder and pandemic that is going around somebody is benefitting mercilessly. Goodnight."

The camera panned away from Belham and soon the screen faded to black.