Dear Me

Dear Me,



    Welcome to 2011. You had quite a year in 2010. You made some mistakes, which just show you are human and that you can not be everything to everyone. You also have made a lot of positive changes. I believe that those changes taken into 2011 are going to be particularly life changing for you. You are stronger than you ever been, even though I realize it may not seem like it at times.



    I know that 2010 ended on a particularly painful note with you and your sons. It is so important that you are continuing to follow through with the restraining order on Sean Kelley. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and you have had enough of that in your life. You and Mitzi made the right decision in separating yourselves from him for a while. Until he decides to take care of himself and go back on his medications he will not change his behavior. He is a 21 year old, 6ft 3in man and you can’t take care of him nor is it your responsibility to do so. His adoptive parents are good people, so don’t allow him to guilt you into feeling you “owe” him the right to treat you however he wants because you gave him up for adoption. Do not allow him to manipulate his way back into your home. It does not mean you do not love the child you gave birth to. It means you do not like the man he has become. Remember courage and strength are the two qualities you have finally realized are a part of you. Use those in 2011; they will help you follow through with what you need to do with both your boys.



    As far as Chris, your other son is concerned, you took a monumental step when you told him in September that you were no longer going to let him emotionally blackmail you. I realize he is your “mommy’s boy”. However you cannot keep trying to make up for what you could not provide in the past. Yes you had him when you were fourteen. You also made a courageous choice to leave when your stepdad threatened to hit him when you were 16. No matter what he did to you, you would not allow him to lay a hand on Chris. You went to nursing school when you were 18. You tried to do everything you thought a “good” mom should do. When you got sick and he had to go live with his dad and Tracy, it was the best thing for him. He wasn’t abandoned or mistreated and you asked for help when you needed it. Now he blames his “awful” life on your PTSD and depression. He is 28 years old; he has a girlfriend who has been the main breadwinner for 11 years, 2 wonderful boys that are 10 and 2. If he chooses to smoke pot every day and not hold down a job so that he doesn’t have money, this is not your fault. You felt guilty when you fell apart after putting your stepdad in prison and up until this last fall you’ve allowed him to use that guilt to emotionally get what he needed from you or to blame his depression on you. He needs to get help for himself. Most important in 2011 give yourself credit for the things you did right as a mom. You taught him that people should stand up for themselves. You taught him perseverance through crisis and to ask for help when you need it. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and remind yourself that you told Christopher “I love you” as often as possible and you did the best you could under the circumstances. No, you were not the perfect mom, but who is?



    I know that at this point in your life family is very important to you. Hold on to your family whether biological or  by choice. Make sure you nurture those connections. Call your mom in CA twice a week. Even though she is in California, you two are closer now than you have ever been before. I know that you feel like you can talk about anything with her. Well keep talking and sharing your daily life and your writings with her. She believes in you more than you think. Auntie Paula is a great person in your life now too. The reconnection that the two of you have made has really made a positive impact. She is not only your aunt but one of you and Mitzis best friends. I know that you don’t talk as much as you used to. Don’t allow that relationship to be lost again. You laugh and learn so much about staying positive and persevering through hard times from her. Make sure you talk to her once a week and that you see her at least once a month. I know how much you love her and worry about her. Remember she is the elder. You can make suggestions but she is capable of making her own decisions, even with her disabilities. Don’t worry so much! Getting in contact with Grandpa Pozzi and Eva is good too; I can tell it makes you happy. I think, though they are in California connecting with pictures and e-mails are really filling a space in you. Keep getting to know your aunts and uncle too. Also don’t forget to stay in contact with Liz and Aunt Susie. Aunt Susie makes you smile every time you talk to her. Call Grandpa and Aunt Susie every other week and keep in contact with Liz and Michael and Mona on Facebook. Also keep your connections up with your foster family. I know that you worry that mom will get upset if you call Sue and Craig mom and dad, but I really don’t think she does. They are your Minnesota family and the ones you spend time with. Make sure you call your mom S. once a week and talk with your Dad S. too. Like he said he has changed since his deployment, he has been more introverted. Make a special effort to seek him out when you are over there visiting and let him know you’re still interested in what he has to say. They really like Mitzi as well and I think that it is good for Mitzi to have friends her age like mom S. They seem to enjoy getting together.



         Be gentler with Mitzi. She loves you very much. She has had a lot of loss over the last couple of years, not only with losing Sandi; who she was with for 18 years, but in her family. Her parents and aunts and uncles are much older than yours and she does not quite know how to deal with her grief. She loves you very much and you her. You have been together for seven years now and are committed to a lifetime together. Yes, she can be quick to rise to anger and say something she doesn’t mean, that is how she deals with her feelings. You are just as quick to delve into sullenness and hurt feelings and to question too deeply simple things she says. Don’t ruminate over silly arguments. Enjoy your new house. Enjoy the times you laugh together, daily and you both have a great silly sense of humor! Treat Mitzi with respect instead of getting quirky about some of her different ideas. Remember she is 12 years older than you and both of you grew up in very different atmospheres with very different families. She was raised in a different time period than you as well, in a Catholic family that was very quick to judge her. Don’t you be so quick to judge. However don’t be afraid to demand the same respect and nonjudgmental behavior in return. You both have a lot of life experience to share with one another. You both are intelligent women; continue to learn from each other. Take time at least once a week to turn off the TV and play cards or a board game. Continue to go out to karaoke once every month, I know you both enjoy that and you rarely get out. Mitzi and you each have your own physical and emotional issues, take care and support one another. Even more important take care of yourself because if you are not healthy, you can’t take care of anybody else.



    I know that diet and physical health is always a part of your New Years resolutions. This year I want you to remember how closely your physical and your mental health are connected. I know that you always want to lose weight and lose it fast. More importantly this year, you need to focus on your total health. Don’t take any of the diet pills or herbs over the counter that has gotten you so sick in the past. In the last 18 months you have lost 50 pounds. Continue to do yoga three times a week. Try to eat four to five small meals a day instead of not eating all day and then just having supper at night. You know it messes up your metabolism. Make it a mission for total health, mental and physical. Don’t weigh yourself every day. It makes you too obsessed and you get into the binging and purging. If you can’t cut it down to once a week: than twice a week at the most.



    Continue to see your therapist once a week. She specializes in DID and PTSD and you have not been in the hospital for over a year. She is teaching you good ways to manage your anxiety and she is not pushing you like some other therapists have. Also, she is in total agreement with you about not having anymore ECT. She is helping you learn how to cope on a day to day basis. Journaling is part of that. Keep journaling at least 15-20 minutes a day. It’s like a pressure valve for you, when you can’t express what is going on inside your head out loud, You can express with your writing and it is important for you to do so. Keep seeing your Dr. as well. I think that she listens to you about what medications you think are working or not working and she talks to you as an equal. You have not always found that in other doctors

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    I know how much you love writing so I think making some writing resolutions are important. I know that you sometimes see your writing as an indulgence. You deserve to invest your time in something you love so much. Just because you are not getting paid for it does not mean it does not have “worth”. You educate and encourage people with your writing. Enter at least one weekly contest  and one monthly contest. Submit something into your portfolio every month, even if it is just an editorial piece. Review a peer writing at least twice a month, its good practice and asking for reviews in return will help your own writing. Log on to your writing.com account weekly just to chat with your peers. Keep writing.



    I also think that you should apply for the PASS plan for those on disability. It will provide the financial assistance you need for the BA degree in journalism you want to get online. After you see the neurosurgeon on the 9th of February, if he says it’s ok and Mitzi agrees, I think you should go for it. I know that you are disappointed that you can’t do nursing anymore but you can make a differences in people’s lives through a journalism degree.

Love yourself, laugh daily, hug Mitzi daily and remind yourself you are not perfect nor do you have to be. HAPPY 2011!!!                1990 Words