No Knight in Shining Armor

The bar was already filled with his guests when he arrived.  He sat down and his drink appeared moments later.  He practically inhaled the first one and waved for another.  He lit a cigar and leaned back.  Looking around the room he felt strange.  Empty.

         Suddenly, he had to go.  He didn’t want to be here.  Not in this bar.  Not in this city.  He counted out some bills to his brother, told him bye and headed out the door.  He couldn’t do it tonight.  He had to go.

         As he merged into the traffic he felt more peaceful.  He turned on the radio and tried to keep his focus on the discussion he was tuned into.  No more empty headed whores looking for whatever they were looking for tonight.  No more being bled dry by everyone wanting to party in town.  He just wanted to be alone.

         The whine of tires on pavement and knowing he had many miles of it ahead was comforting.  He turned his phone on silent.  He’d talked to his son earlier, he was in for the night and there was  no one else he would’ve answered for tonight.  He hadn’t even told his old fling he was leaving the bar.  He hadn’t care enough to tell her.  She’d find some other fool to buy her drinks and maybe she’d get lucky.  He hoped so.

         How the hell did he get here in life?  It certainly wasn’t like he’d calculated or designed it.  The memories began to play as he rolled on mile after mile.  The radio kept playing but he had stopped listening long ago.  He’d drifted way back in time inside his mind. Drifted to a time before his heart had hardened and he had stopped caring.



         There was a time he had believed in love.  Like a fairytale turned nightmare, once upon a time he’d believed in trust and happily ever after.  It had been ripped from him.  He had tried with all of his might to hold onto it but another woman had killed it.  No begging or pleading on his part had saved his heart.  Since that day, he’d known most people had a price and a self serving agenda.  He’d just always been sharp enough to find out what they wanted.  If it suited him or was to his advantage to provide it to them so he could get what he needed, he did it.  If not, he moved on.

         His wife had taught him that lesson.  Even those that look so innocent can get more into what they want than what they feel.  They can lose the ability to feel just to have their way.  She’d taught him painfully enough, he’d never forgotten.  It had hurt too much to risk it being repeated!

         “I love you.”

         “I love you too, baby.”

         “I am scared.”

         “Scared.  Scared of what?  I told you.  We will be fine.  Trust me.  The old bitch has said her peace.  It has nothing to do with us, our future or our life.  You have to believe in me, in us.  She’s bitter and angry.  Forget her.  She doesn’t want anyone to be happy.”

         “She is my mother.  I can’t just forget her.  I don’t understand why she is so cold.  She didn’t even hug me or comfort me.  She just lit into how I am considering destroying my future.    Why can’t she understand?  Why can’t she see this isn’t easy for me?  I know it’s bad timing but she is so determined this is the right thing to do.  I don’t know which way to turn.  I am scared.  I can’t help it.”

         “Look.  This isn’t her life.  It isn’t her decision.  It is ours.  Please, you have to listen to me.  If you listen to her, if you do as she says, you simply prove you don’t trust me and don’t care how I feel.”

         “You know I love you.  You know I care but we are young.  She’s right about that.  It would make things so much harder on us.  We need to get established.  We aren’t even married yet.”

         “Good God don’t you hear a thing I am saying!  It does not matter to me about being young or unmarried or any of that shit.  I love you.  I love this baby.  I want this baby.  I don’t care what someone that has already fucked up their dreams thinks.  I want us to have a chance to live ours.  Obviously, you care more about what she thinks than how I feel and what I want for all three of us.  Have you forgotten that?  Forgotten there is a third person involved in this choice you’re making for me?”

         

         She’d cried then.  Cried and explained and gone around and around in circles.  She never even took the time to really consider trusting him.  Jumping out on that limb and letting him surround her in his love and the adoration he had felt knowing they’d conceived a child.  She was far too consumed with caring what her mother and other people thought.  What they would say. 

         She gone through with her mother’s plan.  Listened to the old sour bitch.  Without his consent, despite his pleas their child’s life was over.  He never even had an opportunity to love it, hold it or provide for it as he’d dreamed.  Anger washed over him like an angry torrent.

         Obligation kept him in the relationship then.  He felt like he had little other choice.  He should have ended it then.  He should’ve walked away but he hadn’t.  He had stuck around to try and love her again.  To attempt to forget her betrayal and keep taking care of her.  She did need him.  She was kind and gentle and honest.  He couldn’t turn his back on her.  Not after all she’d been through.  After all, he had contributed to it happening.  Then, her mother had never let her forget it.  It wasn’t all her fault and she had no one else.



         The night before his nightmare, her fairytale wedding, he had a bachelor party to rival any.  His brothers and his college buddies had gone all out.  The alcohol was endless, the cocaine nearly as limitless and the women absolutely ot and willing.  Everything a man in his twenties could appreciate was present and available for the taking.  He had treated it as a buffet and taken some of everything.

         As the sun came up, he and his bestfriend had continued the party.  Kept things going sitting at the bar in the suite they’d rented.  The girls were either gone or passed out.  The other guys had followed suit with the ladies.  They had finished off the last few lines of cocaine and were pouring shots down, skip the shot glass.

         “What the hell were you thinking man?”

         “I don’t know.  I can’t see anyway out of it.  My family loves her, I thought I loved her and I can’t hurt her.”

         “You do realize you are marrying this chick in like six hours and we are still drinking right?”

         “Ah, yeah.  Drunk is about the only way I can see of getting through this.  The idea of waking up next to her every single morning until I am dead is too much to bear.”

         “She is cute.  You could wake up next to worse!”

         “It has nothing to do with how she looks.  I wouldn’t have dated her if she hadn’t looked good dumbass.  I don’t want to wake up next to anybody everyday.  I prefer variety!”

         “Somehow, I don’t think I am the dumbass here.  I prefer variety and therefore have not agreed to marry anyone!”

         They kept pouring down shots.  He couldn’t stop.  He didn’t know if he had the balls to show up for this wedding at all but if he did, he would be drunk.  It was all he could do to think about it.  He tried not to.  The clock wasn’t stopping though and time was fading.  His time to live life as he preferred was ending and he hadn’t really wanted it too.

         It was natural progression taking over.  He had used up all of his excuses to get out of a proposal.  High school years were safe.  Then, he’d touted the importance of them completing college.  Then of course, there was beginning their careers.  And at last, they had to  save money for a ring, a down payment on a house and a wedding.  She was a damn miser!  She’d shot that last excuse full of holes by setting up saving accounts and filling them in record time. 

         Now, here he was, two years out of college getting shackled to her forever.  The same her he harbored a sickening disdain for deep down inside.  But how could ever explain all of that?  How could he ever free his own conscience of turning his back on her after what they’d been through?  She acted so sweet and proper to the rest of his family, they’d think him a cad.  A callous bastard.  Oh shit!  He felt like a mouse after the spring had clamped down on its neck.  No way out!

         He had married her.  Said ‘I do’ and meant I don’t.  He made up his mind that day to try to do it right.  Give it all he had.  He would be a good and honorable husband to her.  She hadn’t known how he felt inside.  She still looked at him with that same glow in her eyes.  He had deceived her in the marriage thing not the other way around. 

         It had worked for a little while.  He found ways to make it work.  She was kind and very good wife.  He could find no fault in the efforts she made to make him happy.  She lavished him with affection and attention.  He in turned spoiled her with anything her heart desired.

         They had a storybook life for a time.  New cars, a great house and all the amenities they desired.  They entertained friends and family regularly.  They took trips and ate in the finest restaurants in town.  They never missed the opening night of any movie they desired to see.  It wasn’t a bad life.

         His restless spirit was still there.  He satisfied it from time to time out in the bars with his buddies.  A little drinking and a little bump or two every now and then, but nothing too extreme.  He did nothing that caused his conscience problems or harmed her in anyway.  At least not until she became obsessed.

         “Why are you crying?  Are you okay?”

         “I started my period today.  I just knew I was pregnant this time.”

         “Well, you are still young.  We have plenty of time.  Don’t cry.”

         “You just don’t understand. You don’t care about having a baby as much as I do.  It’s been six months we’ve tried.  I wonder if I’ll ever get pregnant.”

         It was on the tip of his tongue to lash out at her then.  To unload 6 years worth of pent up anger at that moment.  It was almost more than he could do to restrain himself.  It wouldn’t help a thing.  He let it go.

         “Look.  The doctor said it would take time.  He said there was no reason we couldn’t have a healthy pregnancy.  You just have to be patient.  I do understand you being upset, but don’t give up hope.  Don’t let it be all our life is about!”

         “I’ll try.”  She stopped crying then.  She brightened a little and they carried on with their plans for the night.  If only it had ended there, maybe things would’ve been different.  But, it had not.  It was a scene he would relive over and over again.  Each month when her period came, she collapsed into tears.  He fought rage.  The bottled up grief really over the child that they should have been raising for 6 years now!

         Months of no pregnancy led to more doctor’s visits.  Doctor’s visits testing her fertility and his.  Doctor’s visits that advised them on proper times and positions to have sex in to help them conceive.  Doctor’s visits that turned their bedroom into a clinic and lovemaking into a chore.  There was no more spontaneous lovemaking, it all had to be on the right day, at the right time when her body was at the right temperature.  It sucked!

         Eventually, home became some place he’d rather not be.  He found himself in the bars more often.  He found himself snorting those little bumps more frequently.  He found himself wanting what the pretty ladies that were always around offered.  Open, fun and willing sex that was about more than conception.

         Deep inside, he felt it served her right.  She’d thrown away their first child without a second thought.  She’d done it despite his wanting it.  She’d done it to please her mother.  She had made that one decision and now she wanted a baby more than she wanted him, their life together or anything else.

         After chasing the pregnancy far too long she finally got her wish.  They were going to be parents, but their marriage was dead.  They were roommates that were going to share a child along with the rent, utilities and groceries.  Everything alive and passionate she gave to this pregnancy and he gave to his affairs.  He wasn’t looking to fall in love.  He didn’t want a divorce.  He was content to perform his role as her husband, the father of a child he would adore and keep all his extracurricular life separate.

         He had managed to keep it that way for years.  It was comfortable and they were content.  She didn’t ask questions she’d rather him not answer anyway and he kept his other life discreet.  They lavished their attention on their precious child and he provided for them well.  Until he’d met the woman that changed it all.

         

         The sound of a horn snapped him back into the present.  A car in front of him had cut another car off.  He suddenly realized how much time had passed.  He was glad this was a long straight stretch westward.  Otherwise, he may have just driven to nowhere.  He laughed.  All those years and he was still processing the emotions.  Life was funny.

         It was getting really late.  He stopped to get some gas.  The all night restaurant next door beckoned to him.  He suddenly considered how long it had been since he’d eaten anything that had not been in a plastic bag.  The decision was made.  He went inside.  After his meal, he headed back toward the interstate.  His phone was ringing.  It was her.  He let the voicemail pick up.  No need going there again.

         When the message alert sounded he considered just hitting ignore.  He couldn’t.  He couldn’t pretend he didn’t care.  He did.  He just couldn’t be more than what he’d told her earlier in the day.  He listened.

         Tears actually came to his eyes when he heard what she had to say.  Somewhere inside, she was beginning to understand.  Beginning to remember what she’d known about him before their relationship became about making it what she wanted it to be instead of what it was.  It was both liberating and painful.

         He wouldn’t have to wonder if he’d done the right thing anymore.  He wouldn’t have to wrestle with the questions of what could have or should have been.  But, it also meant letting go of what was.  Just accepting what it had become.

         He called her back.  He didn’t really have a choice.  He wanted her to know he cared.  He had meant every single word he’d said.  He’d loved her and intended to keep every promise.  He just wouldn’t become someone else to appease her family or anyone else.  She had to have known that.

         They kept the conversation brief.  It was better for both of them.  They needed time to adjust to the change.  Time to accept the way things were.  He had to build a life that wasn’t about or around her.  She had to learn to build one with her husband.  He hung up and took a deep breath.  As he let out the air, he released some of the tension in his shoulders.

         She was going to be okay now.  He knew it in his gut.  He prayed somehow God would help them grow their friendship and live their lives separately.  It was the only option.  He took the exit turning him northwest and let his mind wander to friends awaiting him there.

         There was lots of money and opportunity ahead.  Lots of pretty girls and plenty of free time over the next few days.  He could get used to life like this.  Life free of obligation.  As a matter of fact, he’d left his last trip out with an interesting little prospect showing him all the right signals for a potentially good time.  If only she hadn’t started talking about relationships and her view of them.  Why couldn’t they just let it be what it was?  Two people enjoying what the other had to offer?  Ugh.  If there were any other option to get some ass, he’d strike women from his list.  There wasn’t for him. 

         He turned up the radio and turned off his mind.  He was sick of thinking.  Surely to God with this many channels he could find something worth focusing on.  He hoped so anyway.  He was not going to think anymore about the women in his life.  He didn’t want to think about the women that wanted to be in his life.  He didn’t want to think about women at all! 

         “Please God, let me find a sports talk station!”  He started clicking the remote seek button furiously.





She tucked the kids into their bed about 9pm.  She was exhausted from all the travel but she couldn’t sleep.  There was  no point pretending she could.  He was already asleep in her recliner he had claimed for himself.  She slipped her keys and purse from the desk soundlessly and went out the backdoor.  She needed time to think.

         There was no way out of this mess.  There was no point getting out.  His kisses had lacked something.  Something that had been tangible between them before was missing now.  Cold almost.  She had to find a way to survive this marriage she’d never wanted.

         She eased her car out of the drive and onto the road.  It was a clear night and a long drive would help to clear her mind.  She took the winding curvy roads slowly.  She didn’t want to hurry anywhere in particular.  She just didn’t want to be at home.  She didn’t want to sleep next to him.

         She had dreamed of a different life.  A life full of passion and laughter that came from her heart.  Not a stale commitment that felt foreign and cold.  “Oh, God help me.”  It was a heartfelt plea.  She knew only God could help her.

         How was she to put out the hunger she felt for a love that would never be hers again?  How was she to develop love for another man?  A man she’d already married without it?  She hoped God would answer, for she felt nothing change inside her.  Nothing put out the fire the short interaction earlier in the day had fanned to a raging blaze.  The memory of his touch was intolerable on the one hand and all she held dear on the other.  Her craving for more of it undeniable.  How was she supposed to be happy?  To pretend to want her husband?  She had no idea.

         All of her life she’d craved such a love as the one she felt for him.  From the moment she’d first laid eyes on him, she’d known she wanted him beside her.  His intensity made him irresistible.  He could flirt with one hundred women and make each of them believe they were the only one in the room.  It was funny to watch actually.  She’d fallen for it in an instant.  He had been totally innocent in ways, like a child.  He was just himself and was not responsible for how people reacted.  The manners of a gentleman and the passions of Cassanova dwelt within this one human body. 

         It left her curious to know more after their first meeting.  It had of course been casual.  They were acquaintances and had some friends in common.  They shared a table one night drinking and enjoyed a good mental jousting session.  It had led to nothing that evening.  The next time they met hadn’t been quite so casual.

         He’d been his usually flirtatious self.  She’d responded comfortably.  They laughed and carried on for a few hours.  They put away a few too many drinks.  He suggested they share a cab to a local hotel.  Driving home was out of the question, so she agreed.

         She had never met a man so candid.  He was so open and real that she found herself not just enjoying their affair but actually pouring out her heart to him.  They had talked about the ordinary things the first night.  He had divulged his marriage and been up front about the boundaries he would not permit to be violated.  Over time that second night in the hotel, they talked of far deeper things.

         Alcohol can sometimes be a truth serum.  It causes whatever is in the heart to come pouring out.  She confessed her interest in him.  She told him her relationship history and her lack of trust for me.  She told him she felt she could trust him.  As the morning sun came up, they began their sleep.  Physically worn out from the night of drinking and their more than consuming sex, they drifted off asleep lying side by side. 

         She left him her number beside his phone as she crept from the hotel room a couple of hours later.  She’d longed to stay but her schedule wouldn’t permit it.  If she’d tried, her phone would’ve been ringing endlessly preventing his sleep.  She’d left unsure if he’d ever call her.

         He’d called.  They developed a friendship talking on the phone.  They’d become lovers meeting in a local bar and at a little hotel they’d almost made a love nest of.  Every time they were in town together, they found a way to sneak in a few hours.  His family remained intact and she never attempted to cross any line.  Her business associates and their mutual friends were aware they’d struck up a friendship but she played it off as just a friendship to her family.  It was beautiful, exciting and their hearts were growing closer and closer.

         They shared each other’s secrets.  They talked of their dreams.  They debated their personal views.  They opened up the deep dark closets they’d kept under lock and key from the rest of the world.  They became more than lovers.  They’d fallen in love.

         She hadn’t meant to allow it to become a relationship as it did.  She just couldn’t resist.  She knew he was miserable in his marriage.  She knew a part of him his wife couldn’t see or touch.  That had been enough for the years they spent together in love.  Then, his wife had given her an unbelievable gift and divorced him.  An act he would have never committed himself. 

         The night he told her, she saw every dream she’d lived inside her heart come to life.  No more secret trips.  No more secret phone calls.  No more hiding.  She could be with him in public and unashamed.  She could be everywhere all the time with him.  Her conscience wouldn’t nag her and cause the only source of disagreement they’d ever had anymore.  It was beyond her wildest fantasies.

         Then, he’d messed it all up.  Or had she?  She would never really know.  As much as she’d loved him.  As much as he mattered in her world.  She had never wanted her family to know everything life with him entailed.  She kept the drugs and the particulars of their life together away from her family.  They were conservative and older.  They were proud of her and had certain expectations.  She hadn’t wanted to disappoint or hurt them.

         He could’ve cooperated just this time.  Just this once, he could have put her first.  But, in so doing, he would have become like any other man.  Neutered.  Cut to a eunuch.  It wasn’t in him and she knew it.  He couldn’t have changed that much and everything else remain the same.  She couldn’t have loved a watered down version of him.  She couldn’t have made the life she wanted with him unchanged.  Their time had just come and gone.  He hadn’t rejected her.

         That singular thought comforted her.  She had known he loved her.  He just couldn’t become what she needed him to be in her world.  He couldn’t become what he was not.  It wasn’t her that he’d neglected to choose.  He had just remained true to himself.  She laughed.

         “It is the thing I love most about you and the one thing that changed everything for us.  Funny, isn’t it?”

         Peace came to her then.  He hadn’t stopped loving her.  He hadn’t thrown away their dreams.  Their dreams were just not the same dream.  She had done what she had to do to preserve her relationship with her family.  She’d done the only thing she could do to have her dream of a family of her own.  She would accept it.  She would do all she could to make this marriage work, to be a good mom.  She prayed he would find and live his dreams.  That he would forgive her, forget the pain and remember the love.

         The memories she would hold more dearly.  The fantastic, beautiful memories would live on in her heart.  But, she could go on from here.  She cranked the car and turned toward home.  She’d lost track of time sitting here alone with her thoughts.  It was getting late.

         Tears streamed down her face.  She knew she was really leaving their life together behind then.  They would remain friends forever.  Closer than friends really.  They had truly known each other.  Shared something time and space couldn’t deface or remove.  That part was over.  Now, it would be something else, something new and different.  She cried for all she was letting go of and all they would never have for a few miles.  Then, she dried her eyes.

         He was beautiful, innocent in some ways.  He experienced life as it came without the stability and regularity most people long for everyday.  He was an enigma in some ways and so very predictable in others.  The enigma had been wondering when their home life together would begin.  The predictable things were the nights out, the romance with cocaine and the mindblowing lovemaking.  She was smiling just remembering the adventures they’d lived.

         In her heart, she’d known she had no choice.  No choice except to marry and settle down as everyone had expected.  As she had longed to do since her childhood.  No choice but to move her life in another direction.  It was ripping her in half but the precious babies sleeping in the room she’d painstakingly decorated for them were her dream.  Their father had been good to her.  He had tried to love her.  Now, she had to let him.

         She had mourned and remembered and as she neared home, she picked up her phone.  She dialed the number automatically.  There was no need to look.

         “Baby, I love you.  I am sorry. I never wanted to hurt either of us.  I will wonder from time to time what might have been but it is done.  You’re right.  It doesn’t change what we did share and nothing will change that I love you.”  She hung up.

         As she pulled into the driveway, she looked for lights.  Nothing had changed.  No one had woken up and noticed her gone.  Her phone rang as she parked the car.  It was him.

         “Hey.”

         “Hey, yourself.”

         “I love you too.  I always did.  I just can’t become what you want me to be.”

         “I know.  I love you.”

         “I love you.  Good night.”

         “Good night.”

         

         She slipped into the house without a sound.  She changed and got ready for bed.  As she was turning off the bathroom light, her husband walked into the bedroom.

         “I was just about to come wake you.”

         “Uhm. “  He was stretching.  “The television woke me up instead.  I would have preferred you to do it.  The kids go to sleep without any problem?”

         “They were angels.”

         He reached out to hold her for a moment.  She let him this time.  She wouldn’t keep fighting reality and feeding a fantasy.

         “Thank you.”

         “For what?”

         “Marrying me.  I do love you.”

         “Well sir, you are welcome.  Love you.  Now, you and I have to get up early with some little girls.  Time for sleep!”  She still didn’t want to make love to him.  She still couldn’t fake all the affection.  Maybe in time it would grow and become real.  She hoped so.

         She slid into bed and turned off her lamp.  He made his way to the bathroom and got ready to sleep beside her.  She didn’t cringe at the thought this time.  She watched him walk over to the bed pretending to be asleep.  He looked like he was still half asleep.  He clicked off the light on his side and crawled in under the covers.  He was snoring softly in a few minutes and so was she.

         



         He drove until his eyes were too heavy to go on any further.  He’d pushed himself until he reached a familiar little town with nice clean rooms.  He pulled in and requested a king sized bed.  He wanted to sprawl out and crash.  He asked that they place him under late check out.  He didn’t want a maid waking him to toss him out at noon.

         The clerk, familiar with this pattern and this patron, accommodated his request.  As the clerk busied himself with copies, license plates and forms, he retrieved his luggage.  After a brief wait, the check in was complete. He headed to his room, key in hand.  As he opened the door and dragged the rolling suitcase inside, exhaustion truly hit him.

         He’d been living off of adrenaline, anger and the chemical favors of his own parties for the past two weeks.  He’d spent several nights in hotel rooms.  Hotel rooms with beautiful young women and partying friends.  Hotel rooms that contained the chemicals to fade his memories and numb his pain.  Tonight, he was in this hotel totally sober and facing the loneliness. 

         “Oh fuck it!”  He threw his suitcase unceremoniously against the wall.  He hit the button on the room bringing the television to life.  He needed noise at least!  He undressed as he walked toward the bathroom.  He grabbed his shaving bag from the toppled suitcase on his way past it.  He showered, brushed his teeth and turned out all of the lights.

         Six hours later he woke up where he’d fallen asleep, remote control still in hand.  His phone was ringing.  He opened it without looking at the number.  He couldn’t have seen it anyway.

         “Hey boss.  Where are you?”  It was Stell.

         “Three quarters of the way through with my westward journey, Stell.”

         “Damn.  You are getting back in the saddle!”  She laughed.  “I must admit you surprised me.”

         “I am full of surprises Stell.  You’re the only woman that likes ‘em.  You need something?”

         “Well, actually, someone called about a prospect I thought you mighty want to check into.  I was just going to set up a meeting for you if you were in town.”

         “Anything I need to be in a hurry to do?”

         “Nah.  They aren’t going to be ready to move on it for a month.  They just wanted to meet with you and discuss it.  I’ll call and tell them you are already out of town and we’ll plan to schedule it next week.”

         “I trust you Stella.  Handle it.”

         “Go back to sleep.  I can’t afford to have you fall asleep at the wheel.”  She hung up the phone and so did he.



         He had an hour and a half left to sleep before his late check out time was up.  He drifted back into a dreamless deep sleep.  The room was dark and cold and he was still exhausted.  Three hours later a persistent knock at the door roused him from his slumber.

         “Sir?  Sir?  Are you okay?”  He stumbled to the door, opened it a crack and apologized. 

         “I am fine.  I just overslept.  Sorry.”

         “It is okay sir.  We were just concerned.  Take your time.”

         

         He headed to the bathroom.  After he’d showered and dressed for the day, he packed up his suitcase again.  He handed the maid a nice tip for letting him sleep and winked at her as he passed by.  She smiled back and went on about her business.  He pitched the suitcase in the backseat.  Back on the grind.

         He turned the truck around and headed out to the interstate.    He still had about four hours driving ahead of him before he would reach his destination.  It was four hours too long.  He had friends in Texas.  Friends, fun and fabulous opportunities were that close at hand and he needed to tackle something new.