Dad [Part 2]

The brain surgical doctor came and had given my dad the 7 tests to see if my dad is really brain dead. The result came out to be negative..at that moment, I saw my mum , brother, sister stare into the space. We are numb, really, totally numb. We didn't cry anymore, we just stare to the space blankly. What's more to say? I wondered.

According to the law, to be safe, the doctor says, they need to do the tests again to really conclude that my dad is brain dead and so my dad was transferred to the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). We stayed outside the ICU until 4pm+ and soon the doctor came and said we can go in. We went into the ICU, I saw my dad laying on the bed, with lots of needles poking on his veins, with a cut on his neck and blood that wet the bandage - Do you know how much it hurts me to see my dad in this state???? I almost scream at the doctor asking him why must he make a cut on my dad's neck. He said it's to put the pipe into my dad's body so that the medicine can be pumped in. Then I said, don't you think my dad will feel the pain!? He said, he had done the test on the nerves reflex and the result is negative, so, it means that my dad doesn't feel the pain. YES MAYBE MY DAD DON'T FEEL THE PAIN, BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY HAD SUFFERED TO SEE MY DAD LAYING ON THE BED WITH CUT AND NEEDLE ALL OVER HIS BODY?! He said he had given my dad the painkiller to ease the pain, but I really wondered at that moment, did he?

My dad...my dad lay on the bed...He hated to see the doctor, he don't even trust the doctor at all. But due to his health, he had to see doctor once a week. For the family sake, for our sake, he tolerate and went to see the doctor, having blood test almost every week, taking back different medicine after his EVERY CHECK-UP. You can never imagine just how many medicines my dad had taken everyday.
He took a medicine called Walfrine. A medicine to dilute his blood, his blood was thick due to the slight stroke he had suffered a year ago and just 3 days before his death, the doctor said ''wow, your blood is too diluted, you have to stop the medicine.''
See, IS THIS HOW A DOCTOR WORK?! GIVE MY DAD A VERY STRONG MEDICINE AND MAKE MY DAD'S BLOOD BECOME VERY DILUTED AND JUST SAY ''YOUR BLOOD IS TOO DILUTED, YOU HAVE TO STOP.'' WHAT IS THIS?! ONE OF THE CAUSE OF MY DAD'S DEATH IS BECAUSE MY DAD'S BLOOD IS TOO DILUTED. BECAUSE IT'S TOO DILUTED, THE BLOOD FLOW TOO QUICK AND CLOT TILL 7CM.

We went home after my dad was nurse in the ICU. The moment I stepped into the house, I feel the sudden coldness. At that very moment, i realised the real sadness of losing a father. The house was quiet, it fills with my mum's sobbing, my sister's cries, my brother's sniffing and my silence. What is that feeling like? I don't really know how to describe it. Each and every happy memories we had with my dearest father, starts to appear in our mind, the moment when we were joking and have fun with each other two days before his death. Our laughter, the noisiest family which fills with lots of laughter, is now, silence and cold.
Dad, do you miss us too? Do you know how much we miss you? Your smile and laughter, your joke and care. Are you lonely over there? Have you find ah gong over there? Are you sad like us?
Do You know how much it hurts my heart when my mum cries and lay on my dad's bodies, caressing my dad's hair, saying ''Do you really bear to leave us? You don't want us already??''

As the 2nd eldest, my brother is in his police academy, I am the next to take care of the family. We are asked not to cry but to comfort our mum, but seriously, how can you expect us, as a CHILDREN, not cry when OUR DAD IS BRAINDEAD!?
My brother is the one suffering. My aunt keep telling my brother not to cry, not to cry, because he is the eldest now, he should not cry but take care of the family. I know my brother is holding back his tears every moment, I always wanted to tell him, just cry out. Don't have to care what aunt had said and he did. He breakdown yesterday night. Sitting outside the dining room, he stare into the spaces and suddenly breakdown. Back to where we are talking about, we went to the hospital the next day, around 8.30am, as the doctor said the next tests result can be out in the morning, but, due to my dad's blood pressure and everything, they can't do the test.
To be exact, one of the reason why my dad was send into the ICU is because my dad did not opt out. So, since he didn't opt out, being a brain dead patient, his cornea, heart, kidney and liver will be donated to the person who needed it. But when my dad is alive, he had once said ''When a person died, it's very pitiful, why must they take out the organ?'' So my dad actually disagree to it.
According to the law last time, if you want then you sign the letter, but now, the law change and said if you didn't sign means you want......What kind of crap is this? I don't know.
So, my dad was put into the ICU because the doctor want to maintain my dad's organ and see if my dad's organ is suitable for any patient, testing the system whether my dad's is able to breath on his own and see if there's any possibility my dad can breath on his own is actually a beautiful lies made by the doctor. Their aim is my dad's organ and we are just fucking wasting our time, from 8.30pm to 3pm, for my dad's organ to be taken out. What crap is this?
My uncle called the Ministry of Health about this matter, that if it is true that being a brain dead person, they have to do the test twice. The MOH said, she don't really know about this law that a brain dead person need to be send to the ICU. So it's this hospital idea to bring my dad to the ICU to ''wash clean'' his organ for other's use. My uncle had asked the doctor if my dad opt out from this HOTA things, will my dad be send to ICU, the doctor admitted and say ''NO'' And so, it means, if my dad opt out for this HOTA things, he should have been announced as brain dead the day before. Shit isn't it?
They didn't give a thought to us, of how much we had suffered to see my dad having needles poking all over his body. They didn't give a thought to my uncle and aunt, who have their own jobs and they had already taken leave for many days for my dad. They are heartless to give us hope and say the first test is actually a trial, they need to do another test to really clarify BUT their real motive is my dad's organ.
Like what my uncle had said ''What's all this traumatic about? ''
Like what my aunt had said ''That's why nobody want to die in the hospital, they rather die at home.''
Like what my aunt had said ''Ask the doctor to go to hell.''
Seriously, they are right. Thanks to them, at last, the doctor agree to release my dad from all those needles and everything. None of my dad's organ is donated out.
Something actually happened.
When the pipe that helps my dad to breath was taken out, my dad's heart continue to beat..slowly decreasing. All the relatives was standing beside him, crying, saying the last word. All of the sudden, my dad's hand lifted up. YES his right hand lifted up. My brother and I quickly hold on to my dad's hand and his hand closed on us, slowly his hand sank down. My sis, who thought my dad had reaction, quickly went out to find doctor, but the doctor says, it's spinal reflex. HOWEVER, I don't think that's the case because there's tears rolling down from my dad's eyes. Dad, i know you don't bear to leave us. You didn't know why this things happened too.
And so....slowly my dad's heartbeat stopped....
The next five days, I didn't go to school because I need to do all those funeral stuffs.
I am worried about my mum and sis, my brother too.
Most relatives actually care more on my brother because he is the eldest. When I am burning the incense paper to my dad, my mum came over, sitting beside me, I cried, I said ''you guys always care about brother, you, 2nd aunt and 3rd aunt.''
And my mum said ''Because you are strong, you are like a boy, you are happy-go-lucky. Your dad is not around, you want me to worry about all of you?'' and she started to cry...at that moment, how I wish I could give myself a tight slap. What is this matter with me? Yes, I need more care and concern from others, I may look cheerful but my sorrow is never less than anybody, but why must I said this in front of my mum and make her sad...crazy me...
Is it too late to say ''I love you''? When a person is dead, will he be able to really hear me saying ''Dad, I love you, you are the greatest father, you are the most wonderful father, we miss you...''Can he really hear that?