Self woven Pain

I stared at the glistening puddle. Images flashed in my mind, horrible images. Dane, mauled and bloody, Cindy her face crushed, and Mum her body so deformed that no one even knew who she was. Mark elbowed me lightly and I looked up to see the graves being lowered slowly in to the ground by machine.  They can't even lower the bodies in by hand now? I couldn't stand looking at the perfectly polished oak any more.

No tears trickled their way down my cheek. No breaking came from my heart. Nothing, silence. Except that damn machine was still lowering the graves making a noise like a small motor.  The priest was still saying some crap about how they were with God know and that we should not be sad but rejoice that they were in a better place. I turned my back on everything, the graves, the stupid priest, and the fricken grave lowering machine. Mark didn't speak he just took my hand and we walked away.

What is the point in living in the past? All there is is pain. I did cry eventually. My body went all numb and sobs tore from my throat. My chest felt restricted, like someone had tied a belt around it. I fell to the floor and bawled, twisting around hitting the floor grabbing the rug. When Mark saw me he immediately pulled me into his arms and began to rock me back and forth like a child until I fell asleep. Sleeping wasn’t any better than being awake, it was in fact worse. More images of Cindy and Mum screaming, Dane yelling, calling out for his kids as he died, as they all died right in front of my face sought me out in my dreams. I even saw the head lights sweeping around the bend, the sound of our car getting hit and flipping over the guard rail, and rolling down almost ¼ of the mountain.

Shrieking I woke in a cold sweat in the dark. Stop being so stupid! Dane would have never- I stopped thinking. Someone else was in the room.

“Mark?” I called out in to the blackness. No response came. Then a sort of loud shuffle came from the corner.  Then I saw them coming towards me Dane, Cindy, and Mum.

“You did this to me!” Cindy accused.

“I knew all you ever wanted was me gone.” Mum sighed

“WHY!!” Dane had always had a temper. Then they all started to talk all at once and I couldn’t tell who said what.

“You meant to get drunk.”

“Ally why did you want us dead?”

“I trusted you, sweetie.”

“WHY ALLY!!” Then all together they screamed,

“You killed us Ally; you were the one who hit the other car, who killed all of us, who killed the family in that minivan that you hit. Ally why did you get drunk? Your only 18. Ally, Ally, Ally, Ally…”

They said my name over and over drilling it into my mind. Dane reached out a finger and lightly touched my forehead and –

I sat bolt upright hitting my head on the upper bunk. My breathing was quick and shallow, and my heart still pounding inside my rib cage. It had all been a dream, except for the crash, it had been my fault. I shook myself and said firmly,

“Ally stop it. Don’t live in the past. All that’s in the past is pain.”