Already whole

My heart it breaks, my soul does bleed
Believing a lie, that with you I’m complete.
I see your face; I touch your skin-
When I look inside, it is your face within.

I shutter and shake, how could this be?
I create walls to protect all that is me.
Did I leave a crevice through which you slid?
Was there a faulty barrier behind which you hid?

I work so hard to remain intact-
Yet with one chink in the armor, my sanity retracts.
I look for your actions to bring about its return,
I look to you for the peace that I yearn.

I think you are my solution and provide you with power-
Seeking your approval, from indifference I do cower.
I twist myself into shapes never seen by man,
Trying to become the image of who you think I am.

And when I can not attain creation of this pseudo self,
My thoughts spiral downward-thinking I’m not well.
I wonder if I’m flawed and what you might have seen?
Was there something in my soul, something about me?

And then a moment of levity brings a smile to my face.
Was the ending of this relationship perhaps a moment of grace?
Was this a man I liked or was it just the idea?
Did I dress him up in attributes and create what was not real?

Was this man simply a teacher, saying it’s really not about him.
That I create my reality and the world in which I live.
I fabricate beliefs that a man completes my soul.
I construct the idea that with you I could be whole.

And if it is I that give you power, I can take it back.
Perhaps your path leading elsewhere does not reflect my lack.
Perhaps I was blessed that our journey once did cross-
Truth is all is well-it is illusion that speaks of loss.

12/23/10