This Heart

Bring us together
Keep me from falling apart
“Put your belief in that fireplace,
Lay all your sins at the Heart”

I sit a part of that circle,
Feeling all eyes crushing on me
The heat is unbearable and I vomit, cry, convulse, and shiver
My handprints in the mud for everyone to see

Sweep it up, get it out
“Don’t hold anything back,” he says
My chest is being pried apart by strange, gentle hands
My heart throbs, and all I can do is listen

I’m still scared to admit
Why I’m so scared all the time
My gut twists, my head spins
Each time I stare into that fire, I’m blind

I miss being able to remember
What it felt like to give and receive
These tokens of love and faith are a dime a dozen
I miss wanting to believe

Please take this dark away
Or clue me in to what light feels like
Without an example, I can be no lead
Without peace, I cannot know how to fight

How can I dig, when I don’t know what to look for?
How can I forgive, when I so easily forget?
What I’m searching for seems lost
Nothing was ever my fault, but all I feel is regret

This family is there to help,
This altar of flames is my consolation and solace
Even as this woman of mixed hearts kneels, confused
The songs and drums never leave me hopeless

This faith is my gift, this water is my gift
Better women than I have thrived
This world, which needs tears to make it turn
Will recognize my desire to survive

Sweaty hands claw through the dirt
Touch the red ember to my brow
By sunrise no suffering goes in vain
Their spirits’ support fill that void now