The Revised Guide for the Dead

Introduction

If ever there was a moment to consider one's life choices, it probably was about five minutes ago, when your head was not spilt onto a wall because you were taunting the angry man with a loaded arm. As you look back on it, you realize that was kind of a bad move, considering everything. You were moving up in the world, finally. Things were going pretty well overall- you were healthy and in a good relationship, you had paid off your house with the money from your recent lottery win. Then you just had to walk into a situation like that. Of course it would be your luck to get shot. Of course. The lottery thing was an attempt to balance things out by the universe, who in this case was the jerk friend who totaled your car: "Oops. Sorry! But on the upside, I brought beer!" You always really hated that guy, but he always bought the beer, so it was kind of hard to tell him you didn't want him at your party because he would end up stripping off all of his clothes and running about the house, scaring the other guests. Particularly, the cutie by the keg, who was taken aback by your friend's outgoing little exposition.

You really didn't want to be a whiner, but in reality, being dead really sucked. So, you turned your incorporeal head up toward the sun and stopped that thought process. Hopefully, the light would help your current disposition for griping about things like being shot in the head and think more on the positive effects of the gunman's decision.

Well, at the very least, you think, you now know what's in the afterlife. Even if it kind of wasn't what you expected. You would have thought it would be one of those things where one side of the argument was right and the other was wrong. Instead it was different altogether, and stood there silently mocking the two-sided, ignorant child about its lack of knowledge and a third dimension. Though, of course, the child could not have possibly known about any of that sort of thing, which makes the real answer look a little bit mean and ignorant itself.

Nevermind. That's worse. Really, at this point it would be much better to just be philosophizing on the nature of lead paint, considering that piece of info would do about the same amount of things for you. You realize, perhaps a little hopeless, that you're just another dead guy, or girl, or person, or other. It doesn't even really matter anymore, because you are dead. Gone. You've bitten the dust. You're pushing up daisies; you're six feet under, or maybe even deeper. Or, who knows, you might even have been burned or mummified or whatever else humanity would be able to come up with to preserve their dead guys. The point is, you've bitten the big one. So, what else have you got to do?

Nothing at all.

Exactly. Just take a minute to absorb it.

Just for a moment, you grasp that concept, and then it's gone and you're never going to see it again. At which point you will be left at the same place everybody else is. That would be, exactly where you don't want to be, with no chance for escape. Eternity is a long, long time, and now you have all of it to do nothing. Well, nothing that could ever affect anything in the living world, but that's the best kind of thing there is, really, even though most everybody takes it for granted while they're alive. You don't even get to exist anymore, which is strange, considering that in that way you are only affecting yourself. That may just be one of those things that your worst friend ever ruins for you.

And it is at that point where you just want to break down and sob uncontrollably. Don't. It doesn't help anything and it makes your face get all red and splotchy and your nose begins to leak and then you start choking because you're crying so hard, et cetera.

Instead, you should probably turn to your one resource. Yes, you actually have something, as strange as that may seem. While you were busy thinking and having emotional breakdowns- multiple, just heaped one on top of the other- you were gifted with something that will be, more than likely, your favorite thing about non-existing from now on. What you have is, quite simply, the best and only guide to the afterlife, courtesy of somebody who this writer does not know even vaguely. It's kind of ridiculous, actually.

So, humbly offering you a condolence on your death, I, being the writer of this guide, hope you enjoy it and read it so much that you actually get sick of it and have to take a break from reading it for about a week or so. Well, anyway, have fun, read this, and stay dead, because it would suck to be a zombie.

-- The Writer