The Lily

I walk flowers in hand, up the hill to see my best friend Sally. The cold autumn wind blowing my hair around my face. The leaves crunched under my feet as I finally got to her. I bend down and lay the flowers on her grave. The lilies looked odd next to the cold gray of the tomb stone, too happy to be in such a devastating environment. Ironically, Sally once told me that lilies were a symbol of life and that’s why she liked them so much. I remain bent down and stare at her tombstone. 1993-2010. she was seventeen years old, and it’s my fault she’s gone. I stare up at the sky and see storm clouds along the horizon. Lost in thought I think back to the night where Sally died.
…
“Taylor” Sally said enthusiastically “You going to Ben’s party tonight?”
“I don’t think so; I have to watch Beth tonight,” I said annoyed by the thought of having to watch my little sister.
“Why can’t Sue do it?”
“She has another date tonight” I replied putting much anger into the word date.
“Sucks to be you, don’t it?” Sally joked.
“Do you always have to say that?!” I exploded.
I was so angry I could have hit her. Could have, being the key words. n I never was one of those people who got into fights. Sally knew about my life at home. Everyone thought I had it so perfect, unknowing of what I have to deal with from the time I got home to the time I left for school. When I was six years old my parents got a divorce and I had to attend all the court dates. Unfortunately, I wasn’t old enough to put in what I would like. I wanted to live with my dad, it would have been better for me. That’s not what the Judge thought though; my mom had won both me and the house. I haven’t seen my dad since. I swear every day went by and my mother had a different boyfriend. And by the time I was ten she had gotten pregnant with Beth.
Beth being born didn’t make things any better at home. My mom was so busy with the new baby that she acted as though I didn’t exist. I cooked my own meals and made my own money to buy school clothes. By the time Beth was four, mom realized I was alive and began to make me take care of her. Clearly it was more important that my mom had a better life than me. But not tonight. I was going to that party. My mom had to be a responsible parent for once and realize Beth’s her kid, not mine.
“Mom?” I asked scared to death of her answer; my mother has been known to hit me.
“What?”
She sounded annoyed and that made my knees shake horribly.
“Can I by any chance go to a party tonight and you stay home and watch Beth?”
“What did you just ask me?”
“Can I go to a party tonight and you-“I was cut off by my mom throwing her curling iron at me. A turned on and piping hot curling iron to be exact. It burned deep into my arm in the short time it made contact with me.
“I give you a roof over your head, food to live off of; I let you clean the house so you can become a hard worker. I also let you watch Beth, take care of her like she’s your own, to get you prepared for becoming a parent. And how do you repay me? You ask to go out. What a stupid question that is. ‘Can I by any chance go to a party to night and you stay home and watch Beth?’” she said in a mocking voice. She paused for a few seconds as though thinking. “Well sweetie,” she eventually said “Of course you can’”
“Oh thank you” I said
“How dumb are you? Did you really think I’d let you go? Now get of my way! You’ve made me late for my date tonight.” She said, pushing me aside.
I went into the kitchen to look for the aloe to rub on my burn. It stung as I smeared it across my arm. I walked into the living room to find Beth crying in a corner.
“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” I asked
“I don’t like it when you and mommy fight; it scares me.” She said hiccupping.
“Its okay,” I began to say
“No it’s not. You were going to leave me here with her. You were going to go have fun while I stayed home with her. She could have hit me if you left or locked me in the closet or send me to my room without feeding me or, or…” The tears were rolling down her face fast by now. I picked her up and set her lap. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Beth I did more than my own life; I just wanted to get away for a while. I began to smooth down her hair all the while singing her favorite song, Hush Little Baby. Of course I substituted the word ‘Mama’ for Taylor. She gently ran her hand across my burn. Barely touching it, fingers light as a feather.
“You’re hurt.” she said grimly.
With that she got up walked up the stairs and gave me one of the Dora Band-Aids I bought her, most of which she was wearing now. Some of her injuries like the scraped knee were from playing at the play ground at school. Others, like the cut right below her eye, were from Mom. Of course Beth said that she fell or something whenever her teachers asked. Even she knew that if we told we would be severally hurt.
She said “Here you go,” and then sat back down in my lap.
“Thank you sweetie” I said putting the Band-Aid on.
It wasn’t big enough to cover the whole burn, but the shock of my sister’s gentleness was enough to lessen the pain. Sometimes it was like Beth thought she was the older sister. I continued my song still smoothing down her tangled hair. I need to get her a brush I thought to myself.
“You hungry?,” I asked already knowing the answer.
“Starving’ Beth proclaimed
“I have ten bucks in my pocket want some fast food?”
“Yes please” she said in her tiny voice.
Amazing how she grew up in such a rough environment and still has such great manners. Amazing how she never meet her father, but she still loves him. Beth really was going to be someone when she grew up. I wish I could say the same. My grades were not bad, but they weren’t college scholarship worthy. That’s the only way I could ever get into college is by a scholarship. Beth was smart; at seven years old she was already in the G.A.T.E program. I never remembered what it stood for, so I just called it Geeks Are Totally Exceptional. That’s basically what it was; a place for geeks to go without getting bullied or picked on. Beth loved it there because it made her forget about home.
“Taylor” Beth said breaking me out of my revere. She was holding out her hand for me to take her out to eat.
“Aren’t you too old to be holding my hand?” I asked jokingly.
Apparently Beth didn’t think so, for she still held her hand. I grabbed on to it and we proceeded to our destination.
By the time we got home it was 7:30 and time for Beth to do homework. I sat in the living room developing a plan for getting out tonight. Mom wouldn’t get home until after midnight ,so I would wait for Beth to go to sleep and sneak out. The only problem is what would happen if Beth woke up and I wasn’t there? I pushed the thought out of my mind. Beth was a heavy sleeper and I wouldn’t be gone long. After Beth was finished with her homework I told her to take a bath and get ready for bed. By the time Beth was actually sleeping, it was 9:45.
I ran upstairs to get changed and do my hair. As I go to leave the bathroom I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror; my creamed colored skin blending perfectly with the rose color of my cheeks. My usually curled brown hair was pin straight against my back. My blue eyes flecked with green and gray, and a gold loop around my pupil. ‘I am pretty’ I thought, taking one last look at myself in the mirror.
Ben’s house was five blocks away from mine. The freezing air stung my nose as I continued to walk down to Ben’s house. My pea coat, which had cost me about two hundred dollars to save up for, helped to protect me from most of the cold air.
I got to Bens party to find Sally drunk. ‘No surprise there’ I thought to myself.
Sally was immature. Sally was a backstabber. Sally was stupid and I didn’t care. ‘Let her ruin her life’ I thought angrily. I was letting her ruin my night of freedom. I searched through the house for the rest of my friends. I was glad when I finally found them, it was worth coming out tonight.
Just as I was about to leave, I saw Sally head to her car. The voices inside of me screamed ‘Don’t let her do it’, but I suppressed that little voice. Let Sally do whatever she wants to do, she’s not your friend I thought. ‘But she was’ the voice said louder ‘your best friend since preschool’. Is one fight going to let you do this? No, not just one fights several. She was always starting with me. Every day it was “What are you wearing?” or “Yeah right, like he would ever date you!” and I was tired with it. I was done.
I stood there and watched as Sally did the most stupid thing she had ever done in her life. But maybe, it had been the stupidest thing I had ever done.
I got back to the house at about 12:30, Beth was still sleeping. I decided to go to bed as well. I woke up at about 7:15, Mom was still gone.
I got a bowl of cereal and sat down to watch the news. It was then that I heard about the accident.
A girl was driving home last night drunk when she flew off the bridge. They didn’t know who it was yet because they hadn’t found the body. But I knew. Sally had been so drunk she drove her SUV right off of the bridge. I had let her do it. I watched as she got in the car and drove away. I was responsible for Sally’s death. It was my fault she was gone. I broke down in tears right there on the couch as I mourned for the loss of my best friend.
The funeral was horrible. Sally’s mom stood in the back of the room sobbing loudly. Her dad tried to comfort her, but there was a distant look on his face. The rest of Sally’s family was either crying noiselessly or staring blankly into space. I sat there staring directly at the casket, directly at my best friend. I never did tell her parents what happened that night, and I never will plan on it.
When the funeral was over I went home and locked myself in the room.
“Taylor?” Beth’s voice called from outside the door.
“What?” I asked barely able to get the word out.
“Can I come in please?”
I opened the door and Beth came in and threw her arm around me.
“It’s okay,” she said soothingly.
“No, it’s not. She’s gone and it’s my entire fault.”
“No it’s not,”
“Yes it is” I said, my voice breaking. “I let her get in the car, I watched her drive away. She’s dead because of me.”
Beth didn’t seem to know what to say, so she just climbed in my lap and cried with me. Mom came home later that night asking what had happened, but I had no answer for her. I didn’t want to answer. I didn’t want anyone to now that I let her get in the car. I can just imagine people’s hatred for me if I told. I could feel the animosity towards me just thinking about it. My life would get even worse. I never thought that could be possible, but now I do. I decided I was going to say sorry to Sally.
“Hey Beth, do you want to come visit Sally with me?” I could clearly hear the hopefulness in my voice. The thought of going to the cemetery alone scared me terribly.
“Sure?” It sounded like a question or at least I thought it did.
“Thanks,” I said, grabbing her in a hug.
…
We left the house quietly and solemnly; Beth hates graveyards as much as I do. Thinking of that night brings me chills. I look back down the hill to see Beth staring at the growing storm clouds. It was going to rain soon and probably very hard. I was right; the weight of the rain must have finally broken the clouds, for it started to rain slowly. I stand up to leave taking one last look at the grave. That’s when I realized that nothing I could have said that night would have changed her mind. Sally made the decision not me. Sally wasn’t gone because of me. I also realized that Sally would never really be gone. The lilies were beginning to flatten under the growing strength of the rain. However ironic the lilies were on her grave they still made perfect sense. Lilies for Sally were a symbol of life; and her spirit would live on forever.
“Come on Taylor; I’m getting soaked,” Beth screamed from the bottom of the hill. I ran down it towards her. Rain, no matter how annoying it could be, is a natural miracle. I tell myself that whenever it rains is when Sally’s spirit will be most alive. The wind blows harder as we head to the car. I see there a lily petal, blown by the wind, on my windshield. I pick it up and get in the car.