Story

I lie in the bathtub. Surrounded by candles. Finally it's all calm and quite. A big contrast to everything that's currently going on. I put my head under water and hear it swashing all around me. Where did the happy days go? The days when I knew who I was. And what I wanted to be. The days when I was younger and no pain could ever touch me. The days when mum and I would bake cookies together. The days that school was easy. The days when life was good. But now, I'm absolutely clueless. I have no idea who I am. Or what I want to be. And am I who I want myself to be? Do I like myself? Love myself?
Or absolutely hate me? I wouldn't know.
Where could I get answers?

Bethanie blew out all of the candles, one by one, closing her eyes as she did so. She got out of the bath and wrapped a big towel around her. The cold bathroom made her shiver. She let the water run out of the bath and dried herself. She thought about Suzy. How was she holding on? She rarely spoke to her anymore. The thought of losing her was too hard to handle. She couldn't be losing her best friend, could she? No. Never. Best friends forever. Right? That was their promise. But they didn't have any classes together and at lunchtime they couldn't discuss anything privately. It was as if Suzy was fading out of her life. They both made some new friends. But Bethanie missed her, and she could tell Suzy was missing her too. They both needed each other to keep their darkest secrets, but that person was never there because they were both stuck in their own little world.
Bethanie dropped the thought on Suzy and got dressed. She had some business to take care of. Well, not exactly business, a big pile of homework to catch up on.
Suzy opened her eyes. The sun was shining into her bedroom. She rolled around in her bed until she could see the alarm clock. Almost twelve o'clock. How could she have slept through so much sunlight?
Suzy closed her eyes and thought about Alex. Alex was one year older than Suzy, but somehow she figured out who he really was, except for the hottest guy in school, which every girl knew he was. They'd talked. Really talked, about serious things.
But still, it was as if he didn't see her. Suzy was always the one to say “hi” in the hallways and the one to start an IM conversation.
Talking to him made her feel complete, but the way he acted made her feel so alone at the same time.
Could she ever live with him? Or without him?
She couldn't figure out which one would be the biggest challenge.
Suzy sighed. She couldn't fall asleep anymore. Not with him on her mind anyway.
She got up slowly, stumbled to the bathroom, took off her pajamas and got under the shower. The cold water was supposed to wake her up, but instead it made her feel small and alone. She longed for her safe warm bed.
But not now, not today, she told herself.
She had to do something useful today. Suzy hadn't done anything in the past week of the Christmas holidays. She slept. She ate. She watched the snow fall. She thought about Alex.
And that was about it.
Well, except for Christmas day. She opened some gifts as well.
But the rest was about the same.

Suzy got out of the shower and felt just as cold as a snowman. Or snowwoman.
She walked into her room and took about an hour to find something to wear that wouldn't be too cold.

As Suzy walked around the house to find something to eat, her phone beeped. A text message. ALEX! His name ran marathons in her head. She found her phone somewhere on her desk, covered by a big pile of papers and other stuff.
It was Bethanie.
Bethanie walked around the apartment nervously. Suzy could be here any minute.
Bethanie decided to leave Thomas, her two year old brother, asleep in his bedroom even though it was almost two in the afternoon. He was still exhausted from all the painting and snowman-building they had done yesterday.
Bethanie was nervous, but she had no reason to be. It was only Suzy who was coming over, to talk, to laugh and to catch up on the past three months they had rarely spoken.
But something was different. Completely different than before.
But Bethanie couldn't quite put her finger on it.

The doorbell rang loudly through the empty room, and it made Bethanie jump. As she opened the door for Suzy, she could hear Thomas starting to cry. He was awake. Great.
Suzy sat down on an barstool in Bethanie's kitchen. She heard Bethanie talking to Thomas. Her stomach started to rumble. She hadn't eaten anything, because there was simply nothing left in her house. She silently cursed at her mother, who never conciderd the possibility that her daughte might need something to eat aswell. Suzy had to stop herself from searching for something edible in Bethanie's kitchen.
A few minutes passed before Bethanie walked in, carrying Thomas. She placed Thomas in the feeding chair. Suzy had always found him very cute and quite for a two year old boy. She noticed how shy he was, which was probably because of her. “So Thomas, what do you want to have for breakfast?” Bethanie asked. “Pancake?” Thomas replied shyishly. Suzy's stomach rumbled at the thought of pancakes. “Haha, Hungry?” Bethanie asked. “Yeah” Suzy said as she turned a little pink. “Hmmm....let's see...how does one make pancakes?” Bethanie joked while she was rubbing her chin. Suzy knew that Bethanie could probebly make pancakes while she was blindfolded. It reminded Suzy of the first time she had slept here. They stayed up all night, watch at least three romcoms and fell asleep around four in the morning. The following day, they woke up around three in the afternoon and made pancakes for bruch. Almost the same as today. Almost. Thomas wasn't born yet. And there was no wall inbetween them.
Suzy pulled the blanket up until it reached her nose. It was snowing outside and the cold was creeping into the house. She thought about lighting the fireplace, but that would mean she would have to get up. And she didn't want to. It was nice and warm. And safe. For the moment.
Suzy daydreamed about being with Alex. What it would be like having him here, in her livingroom. Lighting the fireplace, drinking hot coco and holding eachother. Him keeping her warm and safe, instead of the stupid blanket.

Suzy moved around on the couch, so she could reach out and get the laptop,which was sitting on the side table, without getting too cold. She failed. The blanket slipped from her waist as she moved herself over the arm of the sofa. And she couldn't even reach the damn laptop. She could have just stood up and got the stupid thing, and light the fire place while she was at it. But she was still balancing on the arm of the sofa, trying her best not to tumble forward and fall face down on the tiled floor. She thought about getting up from the sofa, and she really didn't want to. She forced herself to stretch out just a little bit further, her toes hooked between a pillow and the arm of the sofa. She reached out for the laptop one more time, but her feet couldn't hold her back. She fell down. Her arms were too far away to stop her face from hitting the cold tiled floor.

Suzy lay on the floor. Face down. Her face felt numb. It hurt, but somehow the fact that the floor was cold, really cold, concerned her far more. She couldn't stand it at all. Suzy hated cold. And being alone. And hurt.
Currently all three things were happening.
Suzy would rather have been dead.


Bethanie shighed as she looked outside. It was raining and almost all of the snowman was gone. The rain was washing away the snow, and with it all the memories.
She looked at the clock in the livingroom, which claimed it was already eight o'clock. Were was mum? She was meant to be home at least two hours ago. Bethanie couldn't reach her, she didn't answer her mobile phone and she couldn't find the phone number of her office.
Bethanie turned around and faced the boolshelf. She was looking for a book to read to Thomas before he went to bed. Bethanie and Thomas had already had dinner, at half past six, as usual. Normaly her mother would be home around six, sometimes a little bit later, but always before dinner, now Bethanie thought about it. She was getting worried, but dropped the thought. She picked up a childrens book, and walked up to Thomas' room.

Bethanie quitly closed the door of Thomas' room behind her, he had fallen asleep when she wasn't even halfway through the story. As soon as the door fell into the lock, the phone rang. Bethanie walked to the kitchen to answer, thinking it would probebly be her mum. She was surprised to hear Suzy's mother on the other side.