hermoine's diary

                                              Hermione's diary 

Dear kitty,                                                                                                Far across the sea there was a strange land my mother always said but who am i to believe such silly things....ever since after my mother's death I've been

thinking to those words which she would repeat frequently....even at the last stage of her life she didn't missed again to say those words:"far there lies brother meet him"what actually did it mean ? is it that i had to meet my brother who was far away or else why didn't she actually tell me  clearly that i had to find my brother or i had a brother or the place's name where he existed or....many more..it is really confusion but is she really relation with the fact that she said there was a strange land somewhere????? my mom's death really means something or the things said by her really had some deep meaning which i ought to find as I've grown up to 16 enough.now that i see i have only got my aunt to take care of me it feels like I'm being blessed by her or something like that as she has her own time taking care of her small baby boy.she doesn't shows any interest on me .the only thing she does is gave me food to eat,"she is strange" in this state how could i ever ask her about the confusion i have when she shows that i have been a burden since my mom's death, neither i got to study nor i have any friends since my mom  was a actual  friend of mine and now its you kitty .when i think to quit life there comes a deep feeling of living but why??? is there anything somehow waiting for me or is it my mother's words which i have to fulfill??? I am just going insane when i feel confused in each and everything.or is it that i watched too much movies so that I'm just really acting that way.I must stop getting myself confused and move on somewhere to find something that is really meant to me which i have to find out since i feel it that way but where? where should i go? im just feeling that i must go ask aunt about something ,i have to talk to her even though she shows no interest...i must not just give up...thus I'll go...

                ...im again writing in four years since i had no time to do any others works rather than searching for living...that really day i just went to my aunt to ask if there was such land or if the words that my mom said actually had some meaning but she began to laugh hearing me."what the heck are u talking u must have watched those silly movies to think that way she said,stop imagining"?she said.i heard a bang deep inside as i heard her saying that i felt as if i took those small things too deeply she must have said those to me when i were young.and i came taking it too seriously i must had had that feeling just because the movies actresses do it that way.that day i felt i also had been comparing my life to fairy tales and like those movies.Since i had really decided to move on i thought it would be better to go somewhere rather than troubling my aunt.that day i went walking without even a single penny in my pocket.i thought i had to do something to make up my life or to survive then i saw a priest and asked how could i survive for living.then he said' go to god's place he'll give u shelter" i thought it would be rite ,i went to god place and stayed there for that nite and other day without having anything instead of those people who gave me the fruits brought for god.wat a meaningless life was i trying to live i felt like i was a beggar who is helpless and waitng for someone to come visit god and at least give a penny or a piece of fruit.was it that for which i had came away from my aunt's home.the priest was wrong...he was totally wrong.i could survive working. how could he give me wrong suggestions to beg as the thing that i hate in the whole world is begging why would people havin the capability begg rather than work.its so strange that people are being lazy and trying to earn and survive in a easy way.i thougth i also should work i tried to figure out my talent by which i could get work myself with the talent in me.then i remembered i'd cook dishes so well by watchin my mother do it.and 1-2 times i also tried and my mum really liked it.but at first i had to have some money just to fill my stomach which i gained by laboring at a construction site i worked there for a year and had enough money to rent a house to live in but at first i used to just spend those cold nites in the streets it was not that easy like im saying rite now.then i started takin the labouring as a part time and went to study cookin in an ordinary government class of cookin for which i had to pay less.sometimes at cold nite when i couldnt sleep i felt that i had started being independent or else on others nites i would be the sleeping beauty because of tiredness in me.after a year although my course wasnt completed i couldnt afford even on the government school because the more high class the fees would rise and  i had no strength left to work labourin ,study i just searched quite small ranked job in a restaurant a/c to my qualifications.it was so good of me that i tried studying at least one year because i saw people rejected who had come without any year qualification but they kept me as i still had the capability because of one year class.. i quit labourin and i was so hppy not to do that work but i missed it a few days but i was more happier to do the cookin stuff.which was far more easy than that labouring......during that time i saw a boy in the same resurant he also was a worker but one rank above me.In the first time in my life i saw such a cute and handsome boy who had dimples too when each time i saw him my heart would flutteer with joy. At first i felt i was kind of ill but  then i also had made frens they also were of my age who said that i lked him.it was kind of funny but was true then to gain his attention i also wanted to be pretty and wear nice clothes like my frends did i talked to them about this.i wanted to buy clothes but i was waitin for my salary but then my frends lend me beautiful dresses for some days and when i everytime lookeed at the mirror i felt i was also pretty.then after some days i found out that the boy also was lookin at me.he actually noticed me.our eyes met everytime ,wow it was so much fun .sometimes we would be so close and i would feel kind of shy.in the past two years i struggled so much but then i felt like i finally cam eto my pretty fun days too.my frends would tease me in front of him.he's frends also tried to tease me by my name.oh i lamost forgot to mention his name!he's name was olliver.one day after the resturant was closed me and my frends were busy talking and headin towards home then i got a call "hermione".i turned back to see who it actually was then in my surprise it was olliver,my dreamboy.he came near me and said that he wanted to talk.my frens kept gigling,i was shy.i went to him i didnt ever expected  that he could say something like that to me.kitty, do u know wat he said "he said that he had a true lover who was angry with him and he wanted me to stay with him for a few days acting like a girlfriend so that he could jealous his girl and get her back,somehow he knew that i kind of liked him so he wanted me whom he was liked to do it.....what did he mean ??? i slaped him  like they do in movies beacuse i was so much disappointed to him. i didnt came for work till a week because i didnt wanted to show that i was hurt in front of my frens.i fell so embarraseed and thought all the time that the more cuter he was the more ripe was he's heart and behaviour although he had a true heart for his girl but he shouldnt act so cheap and make others hurt....it took me almost a week to get courage to go to work and i realised i hadnt liked him but loved him for which it hurt so much but when everytime i saw him at work it felt that i saw a ripe apple which was stinkin and  which was to be ignored....as time went by  i could possibly forget him.one day again there came a same call when i was with my frens "hemoine" a boys voice ..i turned unsmilin as it was the second time the same call but the boy was changed rather it wasnt olliver ,it was obvious it was the same boy from my resturant whom i saw a few times but didnt noticed mus\ch he,too wanted to talk alone...i went to him.he wasnt as cute as olliver and neither that ugly.the first word he uttered"i love u".....and i was like wat???? then he started explaining."i saw u for the first time in the labourer place you were the only girl who was sufferin it was so much hard to see someone struggling at a small age then i found you in the cookin classes too i was next your section but you might not have noticed me ,the feeling of sympathy towards you made me think about u a lot which made me love you a lot my heart was so happy to see you aginback to the restaurant that time i felt that god had fated this.....so i love you so much i tried to say it but couldn't because of the fear inside me that i would get hurt if you would reject me but nevertheless i thought and thought and came to xpress my feelin before it exploded......"he said .i could remember almost everything he said as it was the first time i was loved so much after my mom i blindly accepted him for i was touched by his words..and i didnt wanted to lose anyone who would keep me happy just because of his love....rather i dont want to make my diary grow larger as this cheap diary has so less pages...thus we lived happily...oh i 4got to mention one thing..about my brother i found him when i went to my aunts house after marrying "roy"to take her blessings.my mom was true she meant that my brother was sent to my moms frens house but she kept me confused so that i would be responsible enough to find him...but although i t didn't happened rather my brother had came searching me and reached my aunt's house...but my mother's intentions were fulfilled as i now find myself responsible..i once had heard from my mom that death is meaningful and it  happened to be my mom's death meaningful enough to make me come to this state, which helped to tackle with my disgusting life ahead..

there is now only two lines left in this cheap diary with less pages thus i want to end it saying "aza aza fighting"...hahah..

    (aza aza fighting=be strong and fight for it)    Sunday, September 05, 2010                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      -writer-onsuna (anu)luitel