Nurturing Dynamic Children

Outline for my Book

•          Dedication of the book
•          Why I am writing this book
•          I always wanted to be a parent
•          Things I learned as a child
•          Now I am a parent
•          Loss of a Child
•          Coping with Loss
•          Learning to nurture Dynamic Children in my life
•          Recognizing myself as Dynamic

I dedicate this Book to the Dynamic Children in My Life:

My Sons: Jelani Mahiri, Kobie Mahiri and Ajamu Kitwana

My Grandchildren: Nina Mahiri, Soleil Kitwana and He΄lio Mahiri

My Dynamic Extended Family and Friends

And All the Dynamic People in the Universe

Why Am I Writing This Book?

This book is the result of my desire to share with new parents in the world the wonder of miracles that I have experienced in my life as a parent.  The miracles I am referring to are, my Children and my Grandchildren.  I have three living sons and several living grandchildren.  You may say to yourself, “ I have children and grandchildren” or you may think that others have children and so what is new, where is the great miracle?  Or you may think, “yes I get it – children are miracles.”  I already know that, so why this book?

My intent is to inspire and remind parents that the innocence, beauty and honesty of children are also the miracles of their beingness.  Take a moment right now and watch a child for five minutes.  During your observation, do not allow your personal judgement of what is suppose to “be”, cloud your perceptions.  Once your five minutes have ended,  just take a moment and review the words and or actions of the child(ren).  Consider how your world would be if you viewed parts of it from the eyes of a child.  In other words, what if you took a second look at forgiving your parents for being the “humans” who made choices you did not agree with, in their practice as parents.

My being a parent has pushed me to that point in my life.  Looking back over my life, I had judgements of my mother’s parenting skills.  As a matter of fact, I made a choice at a young age, that “I would be an awesome parent just to ‘show her the mistakes she made’ ”.  Yes, I did that?!  Little did I know what I had set myself up for in the years to come as a parent!  Once my second child was born, I began to “appreciate” my mother’s skills as a parent, whatever the results.  I can be pretty stubborn, so it took a second child for me to let go and accept the “truth.”

So, what and where are the Miracles? . . .  Remember that observation exercise I suggested earlier?  Did you notice the radiant smiles, the wonder on their faces during play, the jovial laughs at jokes, the physical ability to tumble and jump with a small body, their generosity, how they can easily forget their fears and join a game with new friends, and who can forget the ability of children to make the “loudest” noises?! 

I learned that when I stopped my own judgement, guilt, anger and impatience toward my children.  I too began to see the world with fresh eyes.  It took lots of daily practice on my part, but as the years rolled along I began to appreciate the miracle of my children and the miracle of myself in my life.  My children are adults now and I still get to observe the miracles as they take their own life journeys.  Such a gift to me!

I Always Wanted to Be A Parent

I can remember since I was seven years old, I have always wanted to be a parent.  I have a constant desire to nurture and support people.  When I was younger I would imagine being the loving, caring and nurturing mother I would see on the Black and White Television shows.  I had an Aunt (my Mother’s oldest sister) who I enjoyed being around because she was caring and nurturing.  My Brother and I would go and visit with our Aunt and cousins weekly.  I loved being in that family, it was large compared to our three person (my Mother, my Brother and I) family.  There was constant activity and chaos in that place.  My fascination of the family dynamics was so great I was always last in eating, playing and even talking.
My attention was constantly focused on whether any one of the children were having a good time or not.  Most of my time was spent with the two middle daughters.  One of them was my age and the other a few years younger.  The daughter my age had some physical challenges and somehow I felt the need to spend most of my time with her when I visited.  When my brother and I would go back home after visiting, I would spend hours daydreaming how I would be different than my mother, in my “parent” interaction with children.  Caring and nurturing like my Aunt; as if I was knowledgeable about such things.  What I did not realize at that young age, was that my mother was a young, working, single mother who was doing her best to maintain a financial balance for her family and improve her skills through education by attending  school after work. 

My aunt, however, was a stay at home mother of six children being supported by my very productive uncle.  All I remembered was that my mother was not available to me.  While at home during the day on the weekends and some week days; my mother left me responsible for my younger brother who did not follow any of the support or care I provided him.  We battled all the time!  I was so confused because I could not understand why he did not accept my “loving and supportive” guidance!  I spent my play time practicing with my toys on being a “good” mother but none of the behaviors seemed to work on my brother.  Yet, somehow I still believed I would conquer this failure and be a wonderful parent!  My brother and I battled less as we grew older and he grew bigger than me.  Also we began to realize that we had a lot of interests in common, like listening to baseball on the radio and playing action roles (like superman)at home.  We became close friends due to being alone together so often, since my mother was gone a lot, and shared our personal challenges in our worlds, with each other.

However, when we became teens my brother’s and my interests shifted and my desire to be a parent began to grow again.  This change came about because I (as a teen who believed I knew so much more about the world?!) began to dispute my mother’s guidance and challenged her constantly.  We argued quite a bit! I still did not pick up on my personal theme here?!  I was really stubborn!  Yet the more we argued the more determined I was to be a “better” parent than she was.  I decided I would not try and make my children be what I wanted them to be, but support them in being who they are and my opinions were really a non-factor!  I believed that children are committed to the guidance of their parents because the parents are responsible for the child’s well being.  I also believe that parents are to take on that responsibility with a perception that this child requires my support and nurturing;  now how do I manage that.  Rather than the perspective that I am in charge and do what I say.  I learned through my journey as a parent that you could support and nurture your child(ren) and they would follow your guidance.

Things I Learned As A Child

During my childhood experience I learned many rules and skills that impacted me as an adult.  That’s how life is right? We model the behaviors learned from our past?  Many behavior experts and psychologists have informed and reminded society of this constantly.  However a new fact has been discovered through the Self-Help industry, we do not have to subscribe to our past experiences for the rest of our lives!  We can actually change our beliefs and thus our behaviors to create a new and different life!  So, with this new awareness, I will share some of my lessons.

When I was around ten years old, I remember wanting to talk to my mother about my observations of life.  I shared earlier that my mother was working on her education so she could improve her life and ours; so she was not easily available to me.  Now my perception of the situation was that she really did not care enough about me to be available when I needed her.  I don’t think this was her intention but that’s what I received.  She was either tired or irritable or both when she was at home during the mornings or evenings.  The weekends we spent doing chores.  But I had the great desire to discuss questions I had about the roles of men and women.  I was an avid novel reader and listened to storytelling on the radio.  During my day owning a television was rare, but we eventually got a used one (black and white) that probably had a nine inch screen.  When we did get a television I became an avid watcher as well. 

Well, during this reading, listening and watching, I noticed that women always seemed to stay home doing the dishes, cleaning the house, shopping, or preparing meals.  While the men were always away working on a job and then came home to eat dinner and relax.  Also, I noticed that the fathers were the ones who made the final decisions.  The mothers waited until the fathers returned home to address issues the children raised.  My aunt did the same with her children.  Our household seemed to be different; my brother and I were doing the dishes, cleaning the house or preparing meals.  I wondered why my mother did not stay at home like other women or why we had so many chores.  The truth was that I thought it was unfair that my brother and I could not go out and play and have fun like other children.  I wanted to discuss this with my mother but whenever I went to her to talk she would respond that she was “tired” or scold me because my homework wasn’t completed.  Thus I learned to keep my thoughts to myself and only responded when spoken to.  Even when we finally had the opportunity to talk, her response would be  something like “be happy you have some place to do chores,” or “that’s just the way it is.”  She would also say to me that my goal was to marry a doctor or lawyer and then neither me or my children would have to do such work.  I didn’t like that response very much because I didn’t know any lawyers and the only doctors I knew in my day were “old!”  They were probably only forty plus years, but to a ten to twelve year old that was very “old!”  The other truth was that I saw her life as something I wanted.  I looked forward to being able to work my own job, go to college and have my children do the chores around the house.

I wanted to be in charge of my life like my mother!  Life did not appear too balanced between men and women.  I did not understand why, I just knew I wanted to be on the side that men seemed to be, yet I was being trained to be on the side of women.  My mother tried to develop me into a proper woman and I resisted all the way.  She insisted I wear dresses to be “lady like” and I would climb fences and trees and tumble with my brother anyway.  The dresses I wore needless to say were always torn and dirty.  My mother’s solution was to teach me how to repair the dresses with a needle and thread.  I also stayed familiar with a washing board to scrub out the stubborn dirt in my clothes.  My mother was so frustrated with me she would just say to me, “you are just a triflin child.”  I didn’t know what that word meant, just that I did not like it at all.  She would also point out that she wanted to live long enough to see me raise children.  Actually,  I wanted the same, and I promised myself I would show her how it’s really done!  This struggle with my mother and I probably fueled my determination even more and I believe my determination supported my being a young teen mother.  I didn’t see that one coming.  Well, thirty days prior to my eighteenth birthday I became pregnant, and I was on my way to get my wish to be able to demonstrate my “parenting skills” to my Mother.  I was not prepared for this journey, even though I longed for it constantly during my growing years.  The father of my first child was too young and so was I.

My Wish Was Granted!

Well, here I was almost nineteen, just barely graduated high school and no plan or strategy for taking care of a child.  My first husband began his part by finding work to provide for his new family.  I was clueless but decided I did not want to live with my mother and negotiated  space at my aunt’s home.  Of course this arrangement did not work out well because our being there had such an impact on my aunt who was becoming ill and her two youngest(of the six)children who were teenagers and still at home.  We all managed to deal with the situation until my first son was born and by the time he was around four months old I had found a job to supplement the work of my husband and an apartment and my family moved out.

Here I am with my new family and thinking we would just function like the families on television and live happily ever after.  One of my first reality checks was the need to find adequate care for my son while his parents were away working.  Then we needed our funds to pay all the living expenses. I also did not realize how tired I would be coming home from work and having to be loving and nurturing to a child as well as my mate!  What happened to the wonderful, easy dreams I had growing up about managing a family.  I was confused, frustrated and angry that life was such a challenge!  I wanted to be the little girl back at home struggling with my mother!  Would you believe it, remembering some of the lessons; I finally began to organize myself the way my mother taught me as a child.  I had years of practice of shopping, cleaning and caring for my home because my mother (bless her soul) had taught me how.  I actually had an epiphany that my mother maybe had a slight clue of how to function in life, like just get organized first.  I It never occurred to me that my husband and I would not work together in harmony to manage the family.  He had his way of doing things and I had mine and they were not in cooperation.  This was a journey my mother did not teach because she kept her private life private.  I was at a lost and by the first year of my son’s life, his father and I were separated.

I am now at my next level of life education.  I am single, a young son and a job with a limited income.  Eventhough we had tension between us, my mother understood my picture and knew what to do next.  I easily swallowed my young pride and allowed her to support me.  It was a good decision I made in my life.  My mother found a small, reasonably priced apartment for my son and I.  The location was near a bus stop so I could function conveniently by transporting myself and my son to and from the baby sitter’s home and my job.  This task took more planning and energy than my job.  Every Monday through Friday I would rise early in the morning and transport my son and I from home to his sitter’s and to my job.  I repeated this process every evening after work, in reverse, for several months.  Finally I discussed the possibilities of my son staying with my sitter overnight, during the week and she agreed, for extra pay.  I decided the the convenience equaled the cost.  This arrangement was more convenient for me but, I missed my son’s presence very much and looked forward to having him with me on the weekends.  I was also juggling visitation time for him to be with his father. 

Over a few months, I began to noticed my son’s personality as he developed and he seemed to be more a part of the sitter’s personality and not a part of mine.  This bothered me and I developed an internal conflict within myself, yet not feeling comfortable discussing this issue with anyone.  Well, raising a child was much more complicated than I every imagined and the “light” began to shine on my mother’s skills much more brightly for me.  My conflict grew but no solutions rose and I decided to bury the conflict within and find a way to have my son with me everyday.

The solution to my situation arose when I met a young man who introduced me to a local organization that seemed to be comprised mostly of education majors from college.  This group was developing a pre-school and I discovered they would be willing to hire me to assist administratively.  Now I was not college educated but I was trained in business administration in high school and I was utilizing those skills and developing other skills through my employment since high school.  Also I was always good at organizing, besides this opportunity seemed perfect for my own goal of having my son in an environment I chose.  It took the group time to develop their vision of an alternative school project but it happened.  Initially the school was only during the weekends, but after a couple of years  the group managed to secure funding to start a full time pre-school and my son was one of the beginning students.

Being a part of this organization helped me create a strong and lasting support group.  Having this group around me provided models for me of responding to my children using patient and teaching behaviors; rather than judging and humiliating behaviors which was my history.  I began to accept my sons as “children” who needed to be cared for and guided through life; rather than seeing them as “mini adults” who must behave and do what I say.

This shift was a very internally, intense process for me.  Old behaviors are difficult to release.  My community was very supportive and patient with me also during this time.  I began to realize that our society actually supports parents to be judging and controlling, rather than supportive and nurturing.  There are different repetitive beliefs that are verbalized.  Statements like a popular one – “children should be seen and not heard.”  This statement felt upsetting to me as a child and as a parent.  I wanted my children to come to me with the questions, ideas and observations.  Yes we as parents are to teach children to honor and respect others and themselves.  My experience was that teaching is absorbed through verbal means and the parent being the example.

This leads me to another popular statement by parents of “do what I say, not as a I do.”  Personally this is one of the biggest contradictions of authority figures.  It has been my observation in life that followers watch and follow actions of leaders more than words spoken.

I learned this as a parent.  If I noticed a behavior of my child I was uncomfortable seeing then I began a personal reflection and review of myself.  I first made the correction adjustment within me then had a discussion with my child.  Our children are constantly watching our behavior and listening to our words.  We are their first knowledge base on how to behave in society.  When we try to control them and get them to do what we say just because we say it.  I believe the message we teach with this pattern is “power creates control.”  We forget that our own power is limited and eventually our children will see the limits and seek knowledge from “other” more powerful resources.  I believe the key is teach our childen the value of “personal power” and how to manage their own in the journey of life.  Then the parent’s value is realized as a foundational resource in developing personal power.  I realize this also means as parents we have to develop and manage our own personal power.