Love

I thought I loved him, I really did, but I don’t think he loves me. Should I do it? He tells me he loves me. Is it believable? I don’t know.

“Get on the bed,” he says.

I did exactly as he told me, I didn’t want to cause trouble.

“Clothes off now,” he spoke in a gravelly voice.

This was getting too far.

“No,” I told him.

He smacked me across the face “you’ll do as I say. Now get on the bed, clothes off,”

hI was crying in protest, I didn’t want to! I wanted to save myself for marriage! But I couldn’t refuse him. He would beat me. He threw me onto the blue flannel sheets and tore my clothes off...

“Kira, get in here,” said my mom. I walked into the kitchen.

“Yes?” I replied.

“Are you hungry?” she questioned.

“No, mom I feel sick,” I said, not lying. I felt like I was going to vomit.

“You’ve been sick a lot lately, maybe you ought to stop hanging out with Logan,” she said, insinuating she knew more than she did.

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“He’s sick too; maybe you should stay home today,”

I knew I couldn’t. I had bought the pregnancy test the night before, and I was going to take it at school. At school, I didn’t have to explain the pregnancy test in the trash. Nobody would know. So I headed out the door.

The walk to my bus stop was a long one, but talking to Megan was good. She had been my best friend for six years. I stopped at her house to talk to her and her mom. “Hey Kira! I missed you!”

“I missed you too!”

“Dude, we have to hang out at the mall this weekend”

“Eh, the mall is a little too cliché don’t ya think?”

“But there will be guys!”

“Um, we both have boyfriends genius”

“Oh… right.”

We walked out to the bus stop and got on, waved hello to the bus driver, and sat down. The sky was cloudy and gray today. Probably going to rain later I thought. We pulled up to the high school and got off the bus and stepped onto the pale gray sidewalks. Everything was gray today, probably cause of the fresh layer of snow that covered the ground.

“Do we have homework?” Megan asked.

“Not that I know of,” I said, still in my somber mood from earlier.

“Oh, well if there was I sure didn’t do it,” she replied.

We walked in silence the rest of the way. I prefer it that way, that way she doesn’t worry about me if I’m crying. I stepped into the too-warm building and pulled my brown fleece jacket off. I was pretty accustomed to the cold here, I got used to it. Although I do miss the warm Alabama weather I was used to all those years ago.

I stepped into the bathroom, and got into a stall. I pulled down my black skinny jeans and looked at the pregnancy test. “How do you even do this,” I thought to myself. I read the directions and was immediately convinced I was not going to pee on this hunk of plastic. I thought it couldn’t get any worse, so what the heck. I peed on the gross piece of technology and waited. I opened my eyes and I was pregnant…

I walked back to my first period history where Megan was waiting for me. I looked at her solemnly.

“Megan, can I come over after school? We need to talk,”

She looked at me with the most serious look, her green eyes shining. She knew.

“Sure, I think I know what’s going on, so of course”

I know she knew, I just didn’t want to have to tell her. I looked at the gray and white tile and broke down. How was I supposed to support a baby? I can only imagine how much Logan will hate me when I tell him. Do I have to tell him? My mom will be supportive. I think, she’s been with me through everything else. I can’t keep the baby. But I will not get an abortion.

The bell rings and I’m out of here. I have to get over to Megan’s locker to explain. I turn to run and I run into someone.

“Watch it you useless loser,” Logan said

“I’m sorry, I didn’t see you”

“You’re gaining too much weight. I don’t date fatties Kira”

I looked self consciously at my waist.

“But I’m only 115 pounds!”

“I don’t care. Keep it under 100 or you’re dead to me”

I ran to Megan’s locker in tears. Despite how much he tormented and tortured me, I still loved him. She was sitting on the cold floor, looking up at me. Her beautiful blonde hair shone in the fluorescence of the school lights.

“You’re pregnant aren’t you,”

“I don’t know what I’m going to do Megan!”

“You can always have the baby, and have someone adopt her,”

I was furious. No one should tell me how I am going to parent or not parent this child. He or she was mine and nothing could change that. I walked home, still pissed off at Megan. What has gotten into me lately? Maybe it was the hormones, I just don’t know. But whatever it was has got to stop. I have to tell my mom.

I walked down the stairs and talked to my mom. She sat up from the suede reclining sofa and walked over to me.

“You’re WHAT?”

“Pregnant.” I said shamefully

“Get out. I don’t want to ever hear or see of you again, No daughter of mine is going to be the whore of the town”

“But mom!” I pleaded, hoping she’d understand.

“No. I am no longer your ‘mommy’. Leave now.”

I climbed the stairs and packed my things as quickly as I could, throwing clothes into my large green duffel bag and taking my pillow with me. Nothing could change her mind once she said something, and the look on her face showed me she truly hated me. I needed out fast. I called Megan and it went straight to voicemail. She was ignoring me. I probably shouldn’t have acted the way I did but I have no idea what to think. I am a 15 year old girl with an unborn baby. I am a 15 year old girl with an unborn baby…

My stuff was packed on my blue and white striped comforter and I packed that too, just in case. I called Logan and he answered meanly.

“What the hell do you want?” He asked

“Can I stay with you for a while?” I asked as nicely as I could.

“Why?” he replied

“My mom kicked me out.” I said, tears in my eyes.

“Why would your mom kick you out” He was beginning to get angry

“We can talk about it later. Where can I stay?” I was pleading

“Here, I guess. But you’ve got to be on time every day and you can’t talk to other guys. Got that?” he said angrily

“Fine, I’ll be there in a few”

I walked down the road and caught a city bus, I didn’t have enough money, but seeing my upset state he let me on for free. When I got to Logan’s he was outside of his house. Black hair in his face, his cheeks were turning purple. I could tell he wanted to know what was going on.

“Logan, I, I, I’m pregnant.”

Before I got a chance to explain he had me on the ground and was beating my stomach and making me bleed from everywhere.

“Like this? You better.”

He continued beating me, His fist connected with my face and I slammed my head into the rain-softened ground. I tried to fight back and get up, but he only got madder. I landed a kick into his shin and attempted to get up. He was already up and had taken the garden hose and wrapped it around my neck. I was struggling to breathe, and then blackness…

I woke up a few minutes later with bruises and cuts all over. Logan stood up and said

“Oh, you’re not dead, I hoped you would be you useless tramp”

I cried. He was never this mean but he was the only one with a place where I was atleast sort of welcome. He tried to apologize so I would stop crying. He hated when I cried. Not because he loved me and didn’t want to see me cry, because it was the most annoying thing for me to do at the moment.

“Are you sure you’re pregnant?” he asked.

“More than likely, yes.” I stated

“You’re sure it’s mine?”

I looked at him and he knew the answer. It was his, he was the father, and it was his responsibility. He just glared at me and my growing stomach. I knew it as well as he did. This was not going to go away…

It has been a while since I found out, this Saturday marks the 6th month and the beginning of my 3rd trimester. I’ve gotten so big recently, it’s unbelievable. Megan and I had cooled down and we’re friends again. Logan still tries to hurt me and the baby whenever he can. It’s a little girl. I’m so emotional about all of this. I was walking down the hall when all of the sudden I feel stabbing pains in my abdomen. The baby was kicking again. Ugh this sucks I thought to myself. But knowing my little baby was in there made it worth it. No, I am not proud of myself for this but I do know at least my baby will love me…

Weeks go by; I walk the halls of this dreaded high school and find my locker. I bend over and grab my green history textbook when I feel something wet inside my legs. All of the sudden my body is wracked with spasms and the wetness has made an obvious presence on my orange sweats. I lay on the ground screaming for help, my chocolate hair splayed on the ground in an unattractive fashion. I black out and everything is gone.

The ceiling of the nurse’s office is all too familiar when I wake up. I’m screaming unintelligible things at the said ceiling. I look to my left and see Megan and Logan standing there. She is telling me it’s okay, Logan is just looking in horror at my body. I feel another contraction and on instinct I push as hard as I can. The nurse screams as I feel something ripping.

“She’s not fully dilated!” the nurse screams

From all the baby books I read the cervix is dilated 10 centimeters when its pushing time. I was only 7 centimeters, this can’t be happening. I get a spasm and a fresh wave of pain to influence my screams. This is too white, there is no color here. I look at Megan and she’s screaming too. I get one more contraction and it fades to black.

This is like a dream, that was my first thought. First I realized that those god-awful contractions were over. Next I thought about her, my baby, she was very premature. Will she be okay? I try to open my eyes, try to move, but I can’t. I feel a needle going into my private area, and I feel violated. What had happened? My last thought was the look on Logan’s face, and how scared and concerned he looked, for the first time in his life.

I woke up around 7pm. I was no longer in the nurse’s office. I was in the strangely comfortable sterility of the local hospital. I was still a little bit fuzzy from the medication, I looked at the iron bars on the sides of the bed and it reminded me of a jail. Locked in until someone noticed you were awake. I try to prop myself up on my elbow and was wracked with a dull pain. That must be the stitches, I thought to myself. My long hair fell past my face and I saw, for the first time, Logan.

He looked at me with a love and compassion that I haven’t seen in him, ever. He looked at me gently and kissed me tenderly on the cheek.

“I love you. I really do. I am sorry for everything. Our baby is our lives now.”

I did a double take. This was not like him at all. Maybe it was the drugs but before I could stop it,

“I love you too. I always have” I said.

He looked at me gravely and said

“Kira, she might not make it. She is a little over 2 pounds and very fragile. She might be disabled.”

I couldn’t grasp the concept of what he was saying.

“What?” I said dumbfounded.

“She’s so little.”

For the first time ever he was crying, no, he was bawling. What happened to him? He has never cared about me or the baby.

“What’s up with you?!”

“Kira, I’m so sorry. I have been a jerk, but I couldn’t grasp the thought that I was going to be a dad. It scared me more than anything. I don’t know how to be a parent, nor did I know how to love. I was afraid of the unknown. But I do know one thing, I love you Kira. I always will.”

I was worried about his sanity. I was more worried about her, my baby. I know I would be able to love her if she was handicapped or mentally disabled, but she was perfect. I knew she would be. I had faith in that little girl, and I believed she would pull through.

It was her releasing day. Finally, she can come home. I had stayed with Logan, despite my mom changing her mind. As I drove to the hospital I only thought about her. She was beautiful, and I loved her; my baby.

I called her Jayden. We drove home with her in her little purple car seat. She cried most of the way, as she didn’t know this. It was so unfamiliar to her, being out of the hospital and all. She seemed strangely upset about moving out of her tiny incubator. But I assumed it was normal. I pulled into Logan’s driveway and got out and went to the back of the seat behind my passengers’ side seat. Logan looked at me, got out from behind the wheel and kissed me. I had never loved him more than I do now, but something didn’t seem right. He was too calm, unlike himself.

“Are you taking medication?” I asked him.

“You weren’t supposed to find out. I have a brain tumor, it affects my moods and emotions.” He sighed.

“Will you be okay?” I replied.

He looked at me, the look in his eyes told me that no, he was not ever going to be okay.

“I have cancer. Its removable, but I might die.”

I stared at him in utter disbelief. The world looked two dimensional, I couldn’t believe this. I started crying.

“No! You can’t! This can’t happen!”

“I have the surgery on Tuesday.”

I glared at the sky. Why god? Why would you do this to me? This is the one time I’ve been truly happy and you take it away from me! I sobbed into his shoulder. I had to pull myself together though, and keep him going strong. I looked at the green sofa and thought why in the world… I knew he’d die. I just knew it.

Tuesday came and I sat in the waiting room. The doctor came out hours later in his pristine white scrubs. He looks at me and looks at Jayden, and he opens his mouth.

“He’s got a 50/ 50 chance of survival. He’s very critical, but the operation was a success.”

I cried out

“50/50? Are you sure it isn’t higher?!” I screamed

“Yes I’m sure” he replied in an overly sweet voice.

He had no idea how I felt. He didn’t care. Logan was just another patient to him. I was the girlfriend, the mother of his baby, his everything. His mom walked into the room and glared at me. As if it was my fault! He was the one who hit me, the one who got me pregnant. Why be mad at me?

He died on a Friday. He had complications from his surgery, and he just didn’t pull through. But I was grateful he was in a better place now. As I looked out on the horizon I saw the most beautiful thing, the sun’s bright orange and yellow rays shining out from the world. I knew he was safe.

It had been two whole years since that fateful day. I sat down on his grave and wept. Jayden was learning how to speak in complete sentences. She was a little slow, but she’d catch up. She was a smart little girl. I told him everything we had done together me and her. Although I got no response I knew he heard. I look back on the days where I was constantly beaten and was glad I stayed. He showed me what true love was all about.

I walked along that long tedious road and got back to our house. The paint was peeling slightly I have to get that fixed I thought. I was greeted by a little black haired baby whose beautiful raven ringlets fell to her shoulders.

“Mommy, I miss you so much” she squealed

“I missed you too baby. I love you.” I cooed back to her

“I love you too momma.” She said.

I looked at our beautiful daughter and thought of how much she meant to you.

“Momma, I know you say a lot, but what’s love mean?

So that evening I sat down and taught her about a thing called love…