The Great Indian Confusion

Oh God! It sounds so awful.  Still it is true.  How could I?  How could I do this to myself and to all the people who care for me?  It’s been a difficult phase to lead life normally, as in peacefully normal.  It’s not as if it is not peaceful now by any means.  I am going through the most peaceful period of my life, precisely, dull and boring kind of life.  Yes, it is true.  There has been nothing promising or positive to look forward towards the next day, leave alone my entire future.  Every day I get up from the bed promising myself to make it different from the day before but sadly it ends the same way; in bed all alone.  Don’t fantasize anything wild to happen, otherwise.  I mean going to bed every night with zillions of thoughts on mind and still being able to catch few hours of sound sleep is the only achievement I had in the recent few months.  As I reach the end of this line, I realize it isn’t an achievement by any measure.     



Where am I heading?  What does future has in its store for me?  Would I be lucky enough the second time around?  Don’t all these questions sound similar?  Yet I don’t have answers at least for a single question.  The mother of all questions is where to find answers for all these queries of mine?  Do I need to go to the Himalayas and meet the great Indian sages as it is narrated in the book, ‘The Monk Who Sold the Ferrari’, by Robin Sharma.    I wish they could use computers so that I could mail them all my queries and one fine evening would find a few answers lying in my mail box.  Now, that’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever given a thought.  Is something wrong with me?  Am I going mad?



Life has never been easy all through but I was always sure of myself, confident of my abilities; and had enthusiasm to embrace life as it comes.  Firstly, being born as a female species doesn’t ring in welcome bells in the middle class Indian society; below average looks to top it, makes it even more difficult.  There is no magic wand even to change ugly ducklings into beautiful swans overnight as shown in almost all movies.  So, here you’re confronted with two paths; to break down and taste the dust or take everything into positive stride.  I guess I chose the later with a few modifications, though.



I’ve been treading the chosen path since childhood but it is easy said than done.  It becomes so difficult to put up a brave front.  Nothing seems to be working my way off late.  ‘Are you going to marry again or not?’ is the standard question on the minds of every other person I meet.  Some of them ask me on face and others drop hints to frame the question on my own.  Among them only a few handful are genuinely worried about me and are ready to lend a helping hand; majority are waiting for yet another drama to unfold in my life.  It is even unfortunate that the majority includes my own family and close relatives.  They’re more interested in knowing my bank balance.  According to them I should’ve amassed enough savings to be able to offer a large amount in dowry.  Damn it! Am I supposed to buy a husband and hand over reigns of life to him to rule?    If that is so, then I’ve already been through this business once and wouldn’t want to repeat the same mistake again. 

Then what am I supposed to do?  Turn a deaf ear to all those queries.  What about my own family? 



When Shilpa didi committed suicide I was so shocked.  For months I kept wondering what might’ve driven her to take such a drastic step.  She was a young woman full of wishes, dreams and expectations from life.  I was still battling my own marital issues but suicide never crossed my mind ever.  I guess now I know what she actually went through, the Great Indian Confusion.  She had a tragic marriage, which ended with the most unexpected dramatic ending.  But I believe she couldn’t have taken such an extreme decision overnight.  Something kept bothering her and she could find none who would reason with her; if only someone could say to her that ‘hey lady, it is perfectly ok to not get married again?’  Why doesn’t society mind its own business?  Is it a crime to live life the way one wants it to be? 



OMG, why am I thinking all over again?  I realize one thing now, it isn’t when you don’t find someone to talk, you commit suicide; it is when the people who matter don’t understand what you want.  Back then everyone reasoned that it was so cruel on her part to leave her family and friends in distress.  I don’t completely agree with it now.  By ending her life she almost liberated her family from all the social obligations and stress they’ve been subjected to after she became a widow immediately a week after her marriage.  We all remember her and I sometimes secretly cry for her but we no more worry about her future.  It is somehow proven o be a successful stress buster for her own life. 



What about me?  What options do I’ve left with?  So many suggestions kept pouring in everyday.  ‘Go and find yourself someone’, said one of my colleagues.  Surely, I’d love to love someone only if I knew where to find that ONE.  If the age old saying that love will find its own way is true then is there a need for me go out looking for it on streets.