The goats are on the field

The Goats are on the Field

The University has a new president, Dr. Mary Shannon. She seems very nice and I am enthusiastic about changes she can make. The previous president, Dr. Alex Leroy, hated me because he doesn’t understand how far I will go for an amazing prank.

When I first come to college I am scared and nervous to be completely on my own for the first time. I remember standing outside my dormitory the first day of classes and watching a group of friends sitting under a big oak tree laughing. I want the same thing but am nervous about approaching people I don’t know. Suddenly out of nowhere a Frisbee hits me in the back of the head. A guy wearing aviator glasses runs over and invites me to play. His name is Ramon and he will become a major part of my college experience.

The adventures we get in to are grand and he inspires me to perform pranks around campus. With his guidance we go around playing jokes on students in my hallway before I decide they are so much fun and I break out on my own. Ramon will become very important to me later as the man that can get everything. My first pranks are pretty standard. A week after school starts I go into the freshman dorms and turn over all the furniture. I place helium balloons all over the lobby until the room is completely full. Students love it and even staff members are amused by it. Each student takes a balloon back to their room making clean up a breeze I’ve heard it said that my fun loving prank led to fewer disciplinary incidents in the dorms during traditionally the worst week. I am hooked. 

After the young kangaroo, my new hero immediately becomes Marcus Wymer. He is the only person to get expelled from both Harvard and Yale, wreaking his havoc in the early 1920’s. He was the first great prankster of our generation and if there were a prankster hall of fame he would get his own shrine. He got expelled from Yale for toilet papering millionaire J.P Morgan’s yacht. He rented a private plane just to do it and made sure he picked a time that no one would notice. He planned the prank for days, securing blue prints of the boat and knowing exactly when the boat docks would be clear.

Marcus spent more time on the prank than classes but the man had a gift and he wasn’t afraid to utilize his talents. Despite buying all the toilet paper from several local stores, Marcus was never caught and news of what happened spread quickly. I have to admit in homage of sorts I once got a group together and we toilet papered some friends cars. They banded together and what is commonly referred to by those involved as “The Night of Mayhem” was officially underway. Things got out of hand real quick. The night ended with lots of water balloons exploded and flour dumped all over everyone. Unfortunately our band of misfits lost the battle. I was heavily flowered and our leader got duck tapped to a pole. It was pretty humiliating.

Word about “Night of Mayhem” spread across campus and all the freshman dorms were excited to participate. Prank Wars was born. The plan was to have all the freshman dorms engage in a night of pranks until one dorm emerged victorious. Prank Wars became a tradition that is now done the first day of Homecoming Week every year. I had a small part in forever changing the campus climate and it wouldn’t be the last time either. If toilet papering the boat wasn’t enough Marcus also got drunk during a theatre production on campus and threw a beer bottle at the stage cursing and mocking one of the professors in attendance.

“I am Henry Hallam Tweedy, professor of Homiletics at the Harvard Divinity School. I am a moron.”

After getting expelled from Yale Marcus went to Harvard. I’m not sure how he got admitted with his reputation but he deserved entrance simply based on his genius as a mischief-maker. A week into his first year he was somehow about to get a limited edition model T Ford car on to the roof of the commons building in the middle of campus. No one could figure out how the prank had been pulled off and how the car had gotten up there. Students, Faculty, and Administration were stunned. They had never seen anything like this before and word quickly spread about the unbelievable act. Newspapers from around the country came to document the event. Many of the students believed it was pure magic and school officials even questioned several local magicians. In a related story, one gullible student became so convinced magic was real that he thought legendary magician Harry Houdini was invincible and could not be hurt. The student met Houdini backstage after a show and punched him hard in the stomach. Ironically Harry Houdini could escape straightjackets, locked water tanks, and buried caskets but a punch to the stomach took his life.

The prank was soon dubbed the case of the magic car. It caused a huge sensation across the country and became legendary. The depression was in full swing. In an era dominated by news about the economy it was the headline story in newspapers including The New York Times and The Boston Globe. When school administrators finally figured out who had pulled off the act they marveled at Marcus’s genius but still had no choice but to expel him. Just thinking about how much planning and preparation went into the stunt I can’t help but be impressed. To this day no one is certain how the great feat and arguably the greatest prank of all time, was pulled off. There are theories such as the use of an industrial sized crane or the art of Voodoo but the mystery still remains. That man is a genius and took pranks to a whole new level.

Before the previous president left I decided I had to pull off the perfect prank, one that would go down in University lore. I think back to my days in high school and the crazy things I used to do. When I first started doing pranks I did juvenile things like putting rice in my dad’s umbrella. When he went outside and opened it up the rice rained down upon him. I thought it was hysterical but he wasn’t as amused. A friend of mine has a ceiling fan. One day I took Styrofoam cups filled with confetti and taped them to the top of the fan blades. When he turned it on soon after, confetti went everywhere. It was pretty awesome until I realized I had to clean it up.

The best prank I pulled was against my cranky neighbor who would sit on his porch and angrily stare at all the neighbors going past walking their dogs. If a dog even put one paw onto his lawn he would yell and scream and say he was calling the cops. I knew I had to do something that would get him back for all problems he caused and hopefully even make him laugh. I snuck into his house one day, not an easy feat, and filled all his cabinets with ping-pong balls. When the cranky man came home and opened his cabinet they showered down all over his head. Several cabinets later and ping-pong balls fill the small kitchen. I didn’t hear anything about what he thought about the prank but I assume he loved it. Eventually the pranks of my youth become stale and I decide to put them on hold until college.

Within a month of entering school I once again become excited about doing pranks. I carry around a notebook chock full of creative ideas. Between the family of mischievous kangaroos and Marcus Wymer I have to be careful. Marcus created a ruckus but never caused anyone any harm. The best prank has to be good natured and humorous or it just isn’t very fun. It’s also important it remains anonymous and I do not get caught. The timing of the prank is also very important. I want to pick a time that will get the most attention. My first idea is to do it during homecoming week where there will be plenty of school officials and alumni present. I thought maybe I could do it during the parade and build a really inappropriate float featuring two gigantic paper mache figures in sexually compromising positions.  Two people would run along the float dressed as a vagina and a penis singing and dancing to Barbara Streisand songs.

I have the mental image of two oversized costumes with tiny white clad legs sticking out. They could bump into each other suggestively but that might be taking it too far. Instead of candy I would throw out condoms attached to lollipop sticks into the crowd. It would be an educational opportunity to promote safe sex. With all the children in attendance there would be some pretty upset parents. Truth be told, if I saw this display I might even be offended. Seeing a giant penis with little white arms and legs sticking out running around the streets would just be wrong. After I scrap the idea I have nightmares about it. I dream people dressed as giant penises are chasing me but no matter how fast I run they get closer and closer. They are multiplying before my eyes and now there is a large mass of them. It is like a scene in a movie where villagers with pitchforks and torches chase down the monster terrorizing their village. They come at me from all sides and corner me against a brick wall. There is no way out. I wake up in a cold sweat.

I pass the float idea by my roommate Edward but he just stares at me. He’s highly religious and he doesn’t want to have sex until he is married. I totally respect that but I think he takes it too far. Edward found a girlfriend that compliments his ideals through an online Christian dating site. She comes to visit every weekend and I dread it every time. When she comes to visit he will not allow her to sleep in his bed or even in the same room I guess to resist the temptation. Unfortunately this means she takes the bed and Edward sleeps on the couch in the Resident Hall lobby. I must tell you this makes me extremely uncomfortable. I lie in bed trying to sleep while she drones on about her life. I want to care that she feels her cat Whiskers is ignoring her but I have no idea what to say. I am not a cat psychologist.

When she starts crying I try and comfort her by saying maybe the cat just needs some extra attention and giving it catnip certainly doesn’t hurt. She accuses me of trying to drug her cat and calls me immoral. She also always asks me about sex. She wants to know what it feels like and she has so many misconceptions. She asks why men always cry afterwards and asserts that to her it’s not a big deal because after you have a kid you can’t have sex anymore. I try to reassure her to the contrary and say this is a conversation she should have with Edward. I try to end the conversation but she keeps talking. She has so many questions and wants to know how I could be so sinful. As her speech becomes faster and increases in intensity I’m pretty sure I start to scream in horror and soon pass out from too much sensory overload.

I quickly discard the float idea and realize I need to keep the prank relatively simple and ultimately harmless. After classes are over for the day I walk around campus and study every building and every outside area. The place where the prank will take place is extremely important. I scribble notes in my notebook. The library is a possibility. Lots of books and a quiet atmosphere waiting to be disrupted could be a possibly perfect place. I also learn everything I can about major players on campus including administration and staff. I have to know how they would react in a prank situation and how quickly it would take them to act.  Late one night, with all the information collected and after much planning, I decide upon the ultimate prank involving three separate incidents. I gather all the supplies I need but the hardest thing to ascertain.

I need three goats. You may ask why I chose goats but in reality it makes so much sense. When I was a kid I watched a cartoon featuring a talking goat named Billy Goat Gruff. He looked harmless enough eating tin cans and minding his own business but that was the key. His perceived harmlessness was deceiving. He guarded a bridge and wouldn’t let anyone pass unless they solved a riddle. I remember it being able to breath fire and I think it ate the people that couldn’t get the riddle correct. The show didn’t really make much sense. At one point the goat went back in time and the show lost all credibility. I chose goats for several reasons. Goats have the coolest beards of any animal. Goat beards are long, white, and wispy like an old wizard’s. I imagine the goat deep in thought stroking its beard inquisically. Most importantly even the females have beards and that’s just cool. Secondly, goats are known to eat anything and that is perfect for what I am trying to accomplish. Hopefully I get some really hungry goats. In addition, no one would suspect a goat. I’m not really sure what they do all day besides be weird looking and eat everything in sight.

I know I need goats but am unsure where to get them. I turn to my friend Ramon for help. He is known on campus as the guy who can get anything. He has short brown choppy hair and sports a well-groomed goatee. Add in Aviator glasses and a black leather jacket and he looks like a badass. He rides a motorcycle and the ladies dig it. He has a don’t care attitude that is infectious and people gravitate towards him. Every time I talk to him I get flustered and wonder if I am being as cool as him.

Seeing how popular he was I once tried to emulate his charm. One day I wore all black and drove his motorcycle around but didn’t get any attention. One of the elderly librarians whistled at me but she was the only one that seemed to notice. I now know it is possible to whistle even if you are missing most of your teeth. I assume it is the goatee. He looks like a well-groomed Hispanic soap opera star. I try to grow a beard but it always ends up weird and patchy. Needless to say Ramon is the big man on campus and everyone knows who he is. He is known as the man who can make it happen. A fraternity was having a Hawaiian themed party on campus and requested sand and a real palm tree. I have no idea how Ramon did it but people made sand castles and relaxed in the shade of several palm trees. Others drank Caribbean martinis and sunbathed by the pool.

I did request another animal once. I had just watched the historical Epic “Ben Hur” and was quite intrigued. I wanted to have a horse pull me in a chariot around campus. I of course would be donned in full armor and carrying a whip. I figure if someone challenges me to a fight I will be prepared. Ramon gets me the horse but can’t get the chariot. I have the horse pull me in a golf cart instead. As I travel down the main street on campus crowds gather on both sides wondering what in the world is going on. I feel on top of the world. I, of course, have a bullhorn with me. I emit battle cries and challenge passers by to epic sword fights. I imagine I am Russell Crowe from the movie gladiator and must fight trained soldiers and man-eating tigers to earn my release. The fairest lady in the kingdom, of course, falls in love with me. I must look regal until the horse bucks and my golf cart veers into a parked car. I fly from the golf cart and fall over the roof of the car and onto the ground. The car alarm blares and the horse gallops off.  I get to my feet and run wildly after it while on lookers stare after me. Man, what a rush. After the stunt I walk in to the campus bookstore donned in full gleaming armor to get a soda but no one seems to notice. Afterwards I talk to campus police.

“Son, what were you thinking?

“I am honoring Roman history which I am studying in Mr. Bell’s history class. The golf cart clearly represents a chariot. What can I say; I think higher education means learning inside and outside of the classroom. I hope to receive extra credit.”

I receive a citation and a fine but it was totally worth it. I had a friend video tape it and put it on YouTube. It has currently gotten one million hits and I am somewhat of an Internet celebrity. With the idea fully planned out I approach Ramon about getting the goats. He simply smiles.

“You son of a bitch. You must be planning something crazy.”

“Well…”

The first part of my plan runs smoothly. My speech teacher, Dr. Walker, is someone I have always wanted to prank. She is so nice to all her students and loves when I act up a little in class. She smiles and trying to hide her amusement she wags a finger at me. I’ve discussed prank ideas with her before and for a prank of this magnitude she would want to be the first recipient. She is very thin with thin arms that seem to extend down past her knees. Her legs are long and she has very narrow feet that cause her to sway from side to side when she walks. What makes matters worse is that she hunches over when she talks and has a low guttural voice. It is husky in tone and I imagine it would be considered quite alluring in her younger days. On the morning of the prank Dr. Walker wakes up early and prepares for her morning class. Needing a pick me up she heads to the dining hall and grabs a quick cup of coffee. She particularly loves Brazilian Roast Nut coffee because she assumes it tastes exotic. In reality its just regular coffee falsely labeled and served in a fancy cup.

She walks to her office across campus. I’d like to imagine she is skipping happily and whistling her favorite tune. She is in a great mood. She opens her office door and flicks on the lights to see a goat eating the papers on her desk. She jumps back with a start and the goat looks up from the desk. Dr. Walker lets out a low guttural scream and the goat goes crazy. It starts kicking its legs and running wildly around the office. Dr. Walker runs from her office and doesn’t stop screaming until she has exited the building. Students walking outside stare on and many laugh as she tries to calm herself down. The goat meanwhile remains in her office the rest of the day just chilling out and snaking on some fruit left over from the lunch Dr. Walker had a day previously. In reality goats are very mild mannered. They may freak out from time to time when confined to such a small space but all they really want is a good meal. I admire them really. They are very cultured, not afraid to eat anything that looks remotely edible.

Reportedly, Dr. Walker became deathly afraid of goats. She says they are aggressive and devilish creatures. She refuses to drive through any farmland so she won’t see any wandering around. At any sound that sounds remotely like a ‘bahhhhh’ or a ‘mehhh’ she scrunches up her nose and bolts in the other direction. She demanded that one of her speech students shave his wispy gray beard because it was giving her traumatic flashbacks. After several weeks of showing her pictures of goats harmlessly eating grass and reassuring her they are not out to get her, she was fine. The administration set up a “Goat Taskforce” to investigate the situation but nothing was discovered and it was concluded to be an isolated incident. They were wrong.

With the first part of my plan accomplished perfectly I move on to step two of my prank. For phase two I needed the perfect environment and the perfect person. I needed someone who would take the incident seriously but have no clue how to handle it. I know the perfect person. Ronald Moore is someone I have always wanted to prank. He would be a distinctive figure in an endless sea of morons and I suspect he is a little crazy. His reaction to a prank would be priceless. Ron is director of the Student Union building, located directly in the middle of campus. It is where students hang out. There is an eating area, bowling and billiards, and a student lounge with a TV.

My favorite Ron story happened at a Student Union meeting with the entire Student Affairs staff present. His immediate boss is the leader of the meeting, Beth, and on rare occasions the president of the University herself is present. There is an eating area outside the Student Union building with a grill and tables with umbrellas. I have never seen a student actually go out there and I doubt anyone even knows it is there. The trashcan outside in the area lasts a good five years and costs a mere $100 to replace. In his infinite wisdom Ron decided to buy a $3,000 stainless steel trashcan because it would never have to be replaced and is more durable.  With the economy on the slide state funding is limited and the budget is heavily scrutinized. A poor purchase could have devastating results on the school’s future funding. Ron brought up his purchase at a budget meeting of all places. Beth, the director of Student Affairs and the leader of the meeting, is about to end the meeting when Ron raises his hand with a smile.

“Yes, I have purchased something for the Student Union that I am very proud about”

Beth frowns and stares at Ron.

“I’m sure it can wait”

“No, this is very important. This will help make everything run more smoothly.”

“If this has anything to do with another pirate outfit for you to wear I will be upset. And for the last time, Timmy the squirrel does not need an outfit to keep it warm in the winter.”

Rone is about to open his mouth to protest but based on the scowl directed his way decides against it. In truth Ron loves that squirrel. Every night he leaves cut up chicken outside on the patio behind the Student Union building. Ron gets confused when it remains uneaten. People try and explain to him squirrels eat nuts and not meat but it doesn’t seem to work.

“But…”

“Alright, what is it this time?”

“I bought a trashcan for the Student Union. It will never rust or have to be replaced.”

“Well, I do remind you that because of the complete magic set you bought yourself with student funds you must get my permission to buy things. This; However, seems like a sound purchase. You have finally showed you can be responsible with a budget. I am very proud of you. How much did it cost?”

Ronald Moore beams from ear to ear. This is his moment to shine, the perfect opportunity for Ron to impress his colleagues. He pauses for dramatic effect and clears his throat.

“A mere 3,000 dollars.”

Beth raises her eyebrows

“Okay, this better be a joke.”

“Uh…”

“What, is it encrusted in diamonds?”

“I don’t think so…”

“For goodness sake, I was being sarcastic. You do know…I can’t believe…How many times have I told you to be careful with the budget?”

Ron hangs his head and looks like a sad little puppy. He can’t believe it.

“But I have made some good purchases. What about those fake trees I bought? It really adds to the atmosphere of the building.”

“A couple perhaps but you bought hundreds of them. It is like a damn jungle in this place. I can’t even go to the bathroom because there are trees taking up all the space. Why in the world is there so many in the woman’s bathroom and not the men’s.”

Don looks around with a disappointed frown. The look is reminiscent of a child who has just had a cookie slapped out of his hand.

“I thought women liked foliage?”

Everyone in the room shifts uncomfortably in their seat and looks at Beth in anticipation. There might be fireworks.

“Ron, that’s…I really don’t want to take away your purchasing abilities altogether, but…”

“What about the trashcan?”

“Put it in the outside area so no one can see it and question why we got it. I will deal with you after the meeting.”

Everyone breathes out, knowing full well Ron has made a lot of poor purchases in the past and this is by far the worst. The purchase of the trashcan becomes known around the office and campus as Ron’s folly. For a week after the meeting when Ron arrives in the morning a fake tree is placed outside his office door as a joke. The purchase of the trees is called Ron’s folly 2. It is funny at first, but every time he sees the tree Ron bursts into tears and it soon becomes very sad. The bad purchases he has made are starting to add up. He bought a set of motorized scooters costing a total of $5,000. Ron claimed the scooters would save time getting around campus. For one, it is a small campus. It takes only five minutes to walk from one end to the other. Ron drove it around campus for pleasure. He even created a private parking space for it by blocking one off in front of the building with orange cones and caution tape. I admire the man though. To go out of your way to be that lazy is something I strive for. I dream big. On his birthday Ron hung piñatas all over the building and spent the entire day wandering around breaking them all open and eating the candy. The look of excitement on his face really made my day. He even paid a student to follow him around and make him balloon animals whenever he requested them. He is enthusiastic if nothing else.

Ron also spent institutional dollars on buying a full pirate outfit. It was complete with pirate hat and a $1,000 replica of a sword used in the 1800’s off the coast of Spain in a sea faring battle. He wears the outfit around the office every Halloween. Don insists people call him Captain Bohel and talk like a pirate when addressing him. Last year he threatened the secretary with the sword claiming she was a murderous scallywag and should walk the plank. If I walk into his office next year to find a talking parrot I will really be freaked out. When the decision is made to keep him from making budgetary decisions Ron is crestfallen.

Maybe Ron is in the wrong job. He would make a great birthday party clown. Sure he can’t juggle or do any magic tricks but he can be comical without even trying. He could make faces while trying to eat a piece of cake and all the kids would laugh. I have seen the man eat and he never seems to make his mouth on the first attempt. If he continues to struggle he claps his hands together and giggles. If Ron did earnestly try and eat cake he would probably get icing all over his face. He once walked around the Student Union building the entire day with easy cheese in his hair. No one had the heart to tell him. Ron could also make funny faces and pretend he was a mime. Hmmm, if you put him in an imaginary box, though, he would get confused and not know how to get out.  I decide the Student Union building is the perfect setting for phase two of my prank and Don Bohel reacting to it will be the icing on the cake.

A week later the Student Union building is crowded with people eating lunch. People are enjoying their meals and listening to music from the University radio station. Happiness is in the air and I am just the man for the job to ruin it. I stand on the back patio where there is a grill and outdoor eating area. I see the black stainless steel trashcan Ron bought and smile. It really is just a trashcan and isn’t even aesthetically pleasing. This is going to be great. I open the back door leading into the building, release the goat, and quickly run away. The goat runs around the room, eating burgers and sandwiches off people’s plates. People get up in shock while others just sit there stupefied. Some people flee the room as if the goat were some enormous beast. Others gather on the sides of the room and watch the festivities. Ronald Moore runs into the room. He stops and sees the goat milling around the tables in the middle of the room. He eyes the goat suspiciously. Slowly but surely he quietly creeps up on the animal in an attempt to restrain it. Finally Ron has gotten behind the animal and opens his arms up wide to grab it. A murmur runs through the groups of students in the room. Suddenly the goat lets out a yelp and runs. Ron dives to the ground, cursing as he grabs only air on the way down. Getting up he smacks his head on the underside of a table. Students laugh as Ron rubs his poor bruised head and ego.

With a groan he runs around the room trying to catch the runaway goat. He curses loudly as people stare on in shocked silence and then slowly begin to laugh. It just makes Ron curse louder. Poor guy, he looks so confused. He resembles a hunchback zombie really, hunched over at the waist and running around in circles making low groaning noises and cursing. The goat finally stops running and begins eating hotdogs off a table next to the entrance to the café’s kitchen. With a look of absolute focus on his face, Ron slowly sneaks up behind the animal for a second time. His shoes squeak on the floor and he freezes in place, holding his breath until his face turns red. The goat raises it’s head and looks around for a brief second but the hotdogs are too tasty. The crowd watching the incident let out a gasp. Ron is so close to his goal his eyes glint in the light. Whether it’s a sign of intense focus or insanity is up for debate. Ron now stands inches behind the goat. He raises his arms high above his head in preparation to pounce when the goat rears back his hind legs and kicks Ron flush in the groin. He doubles over and lets out a groan. He lies on the floor in the fetal position as the goat runs around him in circles. Everyone around him is laughing. While Ron is dealing with the goat I sneak into his office. He has a dry erase board next to his computer to remind him of what he needs to get done during the day. I write on the board: “Having fun with the goat? Wait until homecoming.”

Ron immediately launches a full investigation. At first he thinks the mischievous goat wrote the message on his message board until someone explains to him it’s not possible. Next, he organizes a “Goat Investigative Team” to investigate all leads that come into a special call center dubbed “Goat Central”. Needless to say, he takes the incident very seriously. He even uses student funds to buy extensive goat outfits so his team can go undercover and find the real goat. Beth locks herself in her office the rest of the week and refuses to deal with it. Every day for the next week, Ron pulls students into his office, shines a light in their face, and grills them for information. At the end of his questioning, he always brings out a whip as an interrogation tactic. It doesn’t scare anyone and inspires the school newspaper headline: “Ron Bowel: Tortures for pleasure and really into S & M.” The investigation proves fruitless and Beth finally retains order and shuts it down. Nevertheless, tensions remain high with Homecoming fast approaching.

Several weeks later homecoming has finally arrived and it is a beautiful day. The sun is shining and there is no rain in the forecast. You can’t ask for anything better on the day of homecoming. There are all the typical floats. A sorority sister dances on a float and throws out beads. I find it all pointless. If there are beads there should be some flashing involved. The float also features a limbo contest between all the sorority girls and is actually quite entertaining. A fraternity has a sports float featuring a goal post and a paper mache football. They are all dressed up in jerseys and helmets. The school’s fight song is playing in the background. The Gamers and Anime Guild has a float featuring members dressed as wizards, hobbits, and dwarfs. I head down an alley next to the parade route and meet with Ramon. He is wearing a tan trench coat and a brown hat. He looks like he is about to whip out a Tommy gun and assassinate a mob informant. When I see him he looks around suspiciously. I half expect undercover informants to surround us and tell us to surrender our weapons.

I have always liked the idea of the Mafia. It is a tight nit family based on trust.  It has your back no matter what happens. No one goes against the family. I want to be the town Godfather. I would have an accent just like in the movie. Townspeople would pay me to protect their turf. I would get free meals and complimentary merchandise everywhere I went. I would be respected and, of course, I would take care of my own. Realistically there is no way this would work. Sometimes I feel like the town is a hippy commune and no one has any money to pay. The only crime is someone stealing a roommate’s indie C.D. or eating the last cracker. Ramon opens his jacket and pulls a set of keys out of the inside pocket. They glint in the sunlight and I can’t help but smile. I had a basic idea of what would happen when I released the other two goats. This time I am unsure. In the end I decided three just wasn’t enough. My final prank would require many more.

With a smile on my face I walk back up the parade route. Boring float after boring float slowly passes until one catches my eye. The float has beautiful women wearing long black skirts and white corsets under black tops. There are also figures dressed as skeletons. They all dance amongst each other to the sound of bongos. I wonder what group on campus would do this. There is the chess group and some of them are pretty smart but there is no way the guys in the group know that many beautiful women. It could be the fencing group but there are only 2 consistent members. Suddenly smoke billows from the center of the float and up through the myriad of beautiful maidens comes Ronald Moore in all his glory. I am stunned. He is donning the full pirate outfit he wears every Halloween and is hefting a large sword that looks way too big for him to carry. He also has a microphone, which is not good for anyone. I am very afraid of what he is going to say. He looks stoic albeit quite insane. To everyone’s horror he starts to sing:



         “A rollicking band of pirates we,

We seek revenge and sail the seven seas.

         Raping and pillaging all the land that we may see,

We’ll take your woman and your head despite your mighty plea.”



With all the children in attendance this seems borderline inappropriate.  While he is singing Ron starts dancing and making slashing motions in the air with the sword. On the other end of the float I see a woman who has been tied up. She struggles to get free as Ron Saunters over to her and places the sword against her cheek. He speaks into the microphone.

“Shiver me timbers. Arrrrg. Any last words before I make you walk the plank?”

She looks at the crowd with tears in her eyes

“Please, This man is crazy. Won’t someone please save me?”

What is going on? I look at the far end of the float and sure enough there is a long plank of wood extended off of it. You have got to be joking me. I look around at the crowd. They look nervous and are looking around at each other for some sort of confirmation that everything is under control. Several kids next to me are crying. This could all be staged and there is really nothing to worry about. I’d like to assume that is the case but I can’t tell. Ron starts to lead the crying woman towards the plank when out of no where a man wearing a black cape runs in and starts sword fighting with Ron screaming something about rescuing his one true love. It is really all too much for me to take and I have work to do. As I walk away I look over my shoulder to see Ron being impaled. He screams something about honor and falls to his knees. As I walk away I can hear him dying.

“You have slain me brave warrior. I spill my blood for you dear maiden and will die an honorable death but before I die I will kill everyone in the crowd.”

         I look over my shoulder for one last look to see a canon being brought to the center of the float. The crowd gasps and claps. What a great prop. There is a small wick on top of it and for a moment it doesn’t register. Don puts down his sword and picks up a long match. Is he…there is no way. He dances around with the match.  With a big grin on his face he strikes the match and the flame flares. He stares at it in excitement before he slowly brings the match down and lights the wick. Some of the people in the crowd are screaming and others are fleeing the street. Is this real? Regardless, he has finally lost his damn mind. As I watch the wick burn I can only imagine the aftermath: A building crumbling from the impact, Ron being dragged away in handcuffs yelling about how he will make them all walk the plank to be fed to the alligators. Poor Ron. Has it really come to this? Sure he is crazy, but he is a simple man with a good heart. I guess sometimes underneath a soft exterior lies an insane and rebellious mind that is just waiting to be let loose and wreak its havoc upon the world.

         The wick has burned out. I cover my ears and crouch down to the pavement. A loud bang is heard and confetti sprays all over the crowd. I breathe out a sigh of relief. My heart is still pounding. I probably should have realized there was no way it could be a real cannon but with Ronald Moore I can never be sure. My greatest fear is that someday he will accidently blow up the Student Center or somehow manage to burn it to the ground. Last year he saw a bug in one of the bathrooms and wanted to spray the Student Center with deadly chemicals. Ron has not taken into account the smoke though.

It billows from the cannon and engulfs the float. The smoke is so thick the float has completely disappeared and the crowd around the float is coughing and covering their eyes. People are for cover in the confusion. When the smoke clears enough to see what is happening I see the float is out of control. It jumps the sidewalk and barrels through the crowd lining the streets. It finally smashes into a store front cracking a window and causing the store front awning to crash to the ground. Part of me wants to stay and see what happens in the aftermath, but I have work to do. It makes me happy knowing this will not be the craziest thing people see this faithful day.

Two hours later everything is set. The set of moving vans is in place and the new halftime announcement is ready to be read. The football game starts and I am getting nervous. It’s actually a pretty good game with a lot of big plays. Our quarterback fires a bomb downfield and it is caught for a touchdown in the corner of the end zone. The score is tied when just before half time one of our corner backs jumps in front of a short slant rout and returns it the length of the field for a touchdown. The halftime show starts and the band takes the field. The PA system crackles and the sound of Ramon’s voice booms over the field.

“Ladies and Gentlemen this is truly a grand day. For your halftime entertainment let me present our newest club on campus. I present to you in their debut performance; the dancing goats.”

The gate on the outside of the field is opened and a herd of goats suddenly stampedes on to the field. There are about fifty in all. The marching band tries to flee but they might as well have been running in quick sand. Band members brace themselves as the herd crashes into the group. Instruments go flying in every direction as the sound of crashing metal and high-pitched screams can be heard reverberating through out the stadium. In the chaos band members are running in every direction at once, crashing into each other. They are doing more damage to each other than the goats are. Some of the goats have stopped and are trying to eat the band members clothing. They try to pull away but fall and the goats are pinning them down to keep eating. One goat manages to yank down the pants of one of the tuba players and he quickly runs from the filed being chased by the goat. The goat tears his pants off and starts eating them. Apparently, they are pretty tasty. One goat seems to single out a specific band member and charges hard. As the goat bears down on her with his horns out she blocks the blow with her symbols. They bang horns to symbols several times, a ritual to win the heart of a woman goat. The crowd gasps and some clap. They are enjoying the show.

Eventually, the band members are able to run off and the goats just stand there milling about. They start eating the grass on the field. The athletic director and several people from the maintenance crew run onto the field screaming that the goats are trampling the grass. Do they not realize the goats are acting as a natural mower? The police have arrived and they run on to the field as the crowd boos. Unfortunately for them the goats have no problem being around people and do not react to the police. They clearly don’t know how to herd animals. Each police officer grabs a goat and tries to drag it off the field. They are heavy and just stand there. They will not budge. The officers look at each other sheepishly and the crowd laughs. The officers eventually band into a small group and decide they will force the goats off the field. They run at the goats from one side hoping they will be herded off the field but there are too many of them and they scatter in all directions. The crowd “ohhs” and “ahhs” with each failed attempt. After each failure there is much screaming and cursing from the officers. It is a great time.

As I sit inconspicuously in the stands, I laugh along with the rest of the crowd. I have pulled it off, in my mind a prank of mammoth proportions. I give thumbs up to the sky, hoping someplace; somewhere my hero Marcus Wymer has a big smile on his face. I can’t even begin to describe to you the absolute thrill and rush of adrenaline I felt that day. Participants in extreme sports always talk about the thrill of adventure and I think I experienced something just as strong that day. Some people jump off cliffs or climb to the highest peek on earth but for the purest thrill there is nothing like watching careful planning and flawless execution result in the perfect prank. For a brief second I feel totally alive. The administration never found out it was me. They questioned Ramon because of his reputation but they had no evidence against him and he never gave me up. I figured someone would eventually match him to the voice heard over loud speaker but no one ever does. Every year since people have tried to pull off a grander prank but none of them have been successful and most of them get caught.

One thing I did not foresee is Ron’s reaction to the prank. I figured he would be embarrassed. After the float fiasco he spent the night in jail for disturbing the peace and did not hear about the goats until the following morning when Beth used her own money to bail him out. When Beth told him what happened a slow devilish grin crept across his and she became even more outraged at him. I’ve heard that for years Ron has wanted to change the school’s mascot. Our current mascot is a Ram named Stevenson. Several years ago Ron tried to pet it and he was rammed in the stomach at a football game. Then and there he vowed the mascot would be changed and for some reason it had to be an animal.

Two years ago he brought in a chicken named Elmer and said it would be the perfect mascot. He claimed it required hardly any upkeep and could be quite aggressive when cornered. People had to explain to him naming the sports teams “the chickens” was not a good idea. He protested that to make it more badass we could be the “fighting chickens.” When this still didn’t work he said it could be the “angry chickens” or even the “evil chickens.” Ron would not be deterred though. Last year he brought in a python to be the new mascot but it got loose in the building. To this day it has not been found and Beth checks her office every morning to make sure it is not hiding out, ready to strike. When Ron would not stop and brought in a badger, followed by a baby crocodile, and finally a duck he was almost fired. Shortly after the goat incident Ron thought it was the best time to bring up once again changing the mascot. It happened at a big meeting with all the campus big wigs present including the new president.  Unfortunately for Ron, Beth is once again leading the meeting.

“Alright, I think we can put this incident to rest. No one was seriously hurt and we actually got some good recognition out of it.”

Ron smiles, knowing this is going to be his shining moment. He knows that no one understands his self-proclaimed genius and he has to regain some respectability. Say what you will about Ron Bohel but he is passionate. He doesn’t want to lose his purchasing abilities. This is the perfect chance to have the mascot changed and gain back some trust. 

“Well, to add to that…”

Beth doesn’t look at him and is already starting to quickly pack up her stuff.

“The meeting has been adjourned.”

“I deserve to be heard.”

The president doesn’t know Ron and his propensity for making bad decisions and decides to step in.

“You’re right, go ahead Ron.”

“Well, I was thinking that we have to embrace this. It is the perfect time to change our mascot.”

Beth sets her jaw and widens her eyes. She doesn’t want to look silly in front of the president and wants to show the staff can be professional.

“For the last time Elmer the chicken is not going to happen and I have no idea where we would even get a penguin.”

“An evil penguin.”

“Yeah, okay…or a Panda Bear.”

“A ferocious panda. The team sounds tougher if they have a more badass name. You put evil or ferocious in front of it and the opposing team can’t help but be scared.”

Beth puts her head in her hands. She just wants to go home to a nice bubble bath and relax. It has been a stressful day and she feels a headache coming on. This is not how she wanted to end her day.

“Our mascot has been around for years. It is a symbol of pride for our school. The students, and more importantly the boosters that give the school money, would be confused and outraged if we just suddenly changed it”

Ron in not deterred.

“I thought about that. Changing our mascot to the goat would bring us great publicity. I have an inside contact with a farm that raises goats and for a small fee they would take care of our chosen one. I would prefer one with a gigantic beard.”

Beth looks at the president and gives her a wry smile as if to say I know this all sounds silly but I can take care of this. She turns back to Ron. She wants to subtly let him know that he better stop but Ron doesn’t pick up on nonverbal signals very well.

“That is not happening.”

Ron is on a roll. I don’t think he is even listening.

“We can use it to raise money for the school. We take a couple of goats and put them onto people’s lawns. To get them removed they pay us $50. Add that up and we are talking about 1,000s of dollars. It is genius.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s illegal.”

“Actually I checked. The law doesn’t mention goats specifically. When I was in jail about ten years ago…”

“Uh, what?”

“Don’t worry, I didn’t know driving naked was frowned upon and I shouldn’t have run from the police. The point is it is not illegal to let an animal wander on to someone else’s property and all money goes to a worthy cause.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“But I already bought the goats.”

“What!”

         To his dismay, buying the goats becomes Ron’s Folly III. His purchasing power is curtailed and henceforward every purchasing decision he makes has to be approved by Beth herself. I look back on college and remember every detail of that day. The next week the school paper had a front-page story of the incident featuring a large picture of a goat chasing down a band member. It was great. A crude video taken from a cell phone appeared on youtube and it was the most downloaded video for several months.  It became the topic of conversation and people talked about it for weeks afterwards. It was so cool when friends thought I wasn’t there and tried to explain it to me. I would just smile and say I was sorry I missed it.



Soon after the incident, I joined the college debate team, ironically run by Dr. Walker. Things came full circle at a debate tournament later in the semester when I gave a speech about the aggressive and confrontational nature of mountain goats. The average goat has 3 to 4 conflicts with other goats per hour, all year long. They do not butt heads. Rather, they poke each other in the hindquarters or on the backside with their horns. As a result of this constant fighting, male mountain goats have developed an extra-thick layer of skin to protect their behinds. Basically, they are always getting angry and fighting with each other. Dr. Walker sits in the front row, evaluating my performance. As soon as I begin my speech a sparkle of realization sweeps across her face. After collecting her thoughts she smiles slightly. I can’t really say why but, for some reason, I wanted her to know. She is the only one that ever figures it out and she never says anything. I had so much confidence after that. I felt like I could accomplish anything and walked around campus like I owned the place. It was a great semester.