Chuck Vs. Solipsism

         I was walking to work when it happened. There she stood, 5’2” and ugly. Not repulsive but ugly enough. Crooked nose hung just above her thin lips and below unkempt black hair, tangled and dry. It wasn’t a leap to have images of Halloween witches come to mind as I watched her trundle across the plaza in front of my office. I was the CEO of the largest software company on Earth, money was no issue in my life for more than one reason and women were honoured to be seen on my arm at the most extravagant galas the world had to offer. This woman though, she moved as if she had every right to be there as she headed into the crystalline monolith of my company’s headquarters. Torn and dirtied clothes ignored by the security guards as they simply gave her a smile and a wave. Anger washed away my curiosity as she looked with boredom and disdain at the marble floors and onyx statues that decorated the lobby, pieces I had hand-picked! Who was she to dismiss some of the greatest sculpture work of the 20th century? After all, I’m the most important man in the world, and not just because I was the CEO of a major company.

         My name is Chuck and I’m the last man on Earth. Don’t think me so melodramatic though, there are other men but I’m the only real one. How did I figure this out? That’s a bit of a story and I don’t have any desire to get into it with you, you already know anyway since you’re part of me. I suppose I could refresh your memory though, it helps to talk even if I’m only really talking to myself. I learned when I was young, little more than eight or nine, that I could change things. Colors, time and location, I could alter any of them depending on my mood and I could go anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted. How? That’s easy. The Earth and everything on it, hell, everything in the Universe, are simply figments of my imagination. That’s right; every single person on Earth are simply shadows created by my mind to keep me company. I try not to let it go to my head, pun intended, but it can be hard when you hold the fabric of reality to your beck and call. I mean, you have to let yourself have fun once in awhile don’t you? Laws, ethics and morals stop having any meaning when you’re the only real thing in the Universe after all. The eggs I had for breakfast, the milk I drank to wash them down? Yeah. Well, you get the idea.

         I remember learning about it in school, Metaphysical Solipsism is what they called it, the belief that you’re the only real mind and everything else is simply a fabrication of that mind. Everyone else in the class had laughed at the idea, probably because I found it funny. I suppose I must have wanted to rationalize what I could always do and created the philosophers that had come up with Solipsism in order to explain it to myself. Even though I’d created these philosophers, they still made me realize something. My body wasn’t real either! Imagine the freedom when you realize you can change yourself, or rather your interpretation of yourself, whenever you wanted. Tall, blonde, strong chin and chiselled features, I was gorgeous! You think I’m vain for doing it, don’t lie, I’ll know you’re lying before you do. Would you hold back on making yourself look great, though? No, I didn’t think so.

         My days were whatever I wanted them to be. Time became irrelevant and days could become years if I wanted them to be. I never did though, no, I enjoyed the night-time and though nothing was real I still needed sleep. I couldn’t change everything after all and my mind was still mired in needs even if it dictated the needs of the rest of reality. I had to eat or I’d get hungry, I had to sleep or I’d get tired and I had to talk to other ‘people’ or I’d get lonely. Though the people I met during my days were only there because I wanted them to be, oddly, I had my limits with them as well. I could change how many of them looked, how they talked, even once or twice what they said but that was it. I couldn’t move them, I couldn’t usually make them feel what I wanted them to feel and I couldn’t really even make them agree with me. I suppose it has something to do with the sub-conscious desires of my mind over-ruling the conscious, but I haven’t really thought about it. If everyone just acted the way my conscious mind wanted them to, I guess I’d get bored anyway. Maybe I’ll create some more philosophers to explain it to me, we’ll have to see. It isn’t exactly a priority or anything.

         The priority right now was this woman that still had the audacity to lounge in my lobby as if she had business to attend to there. Stepping through the door I gave the security guard a little nod, the man simply returned it, no sign of the smile he’d given the woman when she’d entered. A frown crossed my lips as I bore down on the seated woman, figuring the fine black Italian silk suit I’d decided I owned would be enough to intimidate her. It didn’t though, she looked up at me with blue eyes that seemed to scream of indifference, or rather whisper it.
“Excuse me, ma’am. Is there something you need?” my chest puffing out a bit as I rolled my shoulders slightly to accentuate my height, letting her know I was in charge here. Those thin lips of hers turned up in a slight smile as she looked me over.
“No, that’s quite alright. I have everything I need.” The answer was blunt and did little to assuage my anger that she dared stain my reality with her presence. It was MY reality after all, who was she to upset me in it?
         “Well if you don’t need anything, I’d like you to leave. My name is Chuck Avery, you might recognize it.” I replied, gesturing with a nod of my head towards the large sign hanging in the lobby, Avery Software Solutions, presented in large polished granite just above the security guard’s kiosk. The woman still didn’t look impressed, she looked amused.
         “Ah yes, Mr. Avery. I had a feeling.” her answer cementing that frown on my face. Even as she spoke I tried to do what had come naturally to me since I was little, I tried to bend reality to get rid of her. I couldn’t forcibly move her of course but perhaps I could remind her of somewhere she needed to be, or perhaps instil a hint of fear of me in her, anything to get rid of her. She didn’t budge though, the smile still creasing her lips as she looked up at me almost expectantly. Finally she moved to stand, nodding a little as she did.
         “Yes, you’ll do.” Was all she said.
         “What?” my reply meeting thin air, the woman gone. The sunny, crowded lobby was gone as well, replaced with the quiet solitude of my personal office. Hardwood walls reflected the noonday sun as I found myself staring out over the city before me, thirty storeys up and no sign of that haggard woman.
         “It’s noon already?” muttered under my breath as I looked between the sun high overhead and the clock on the wall, both stating that it was in fact noon despite that it’d been ten o’clock at the latest when I’d confronted the woman. Time was meaningless to me of course and losing several hours when I was bored was not uncommon. I sat back at my desk, staring at the skyline of the city through my window as I tried to rationalize.
         “I just wanted to get away from her, shot myself forward a few hours and put myself here where she couldn’t bother me.” I stated to the uncaring emptiness of my office, a smile tugging my lips up at their corners. “Yeah, that’s what happened. I got a little upset and did it subconsciously, not like it’s the first time something weird has happened to me.” Remembering once when I’d gone to sleep as a fifteen year old and awoke as a twenty five year old. Physical age meant nothing when you had no physical body after all, I could have easily gone back if I’d wanted to but it had been a nice change. I settled back in my chair with this justification for my little jump easing my worries, ready to forget about the unkempt woman.

         I couldn’t believe it when I saw her again the next day. She was back in the lobby of my building as I entered, not looking at the decorations, flooring or anything else. When I entered though her attention snapped to me, the woman smiling as she rose to her feet. She was wearing the same clothes as she’d been wearing the day before, her hair not looking any different either. Really, she looked like I’d only last seen her seconds ago.
         “Hello, Chuck.” The woman’s words caught me by surprise, standing directly in front of me now despite having been on the other side of the lobby only a second ago. “That’s a nice suit you picked for today, don’t you think?” added as she stood before me, undaunted by my stature both physically (or what passed for physically) and financially.
         “Yes. Of course it is, I wouldn’t be wearing it if I didn’t think it was.” I replied testily, my patience still thin from my encounter with her the day before.
         “No. I suppose you wouldn’t be.” She seemed amused by my answer, the reason unfathomable. I didn’t find it funny so how could she? She was me after all, just an external fabrication of my own thoughts and desires. I didn’t want her here though; silently cursing whatever my subconscious was expressing with its addition of this woman to my reality, something about her upset me. I tried to change her as she looked at me, tried to make her more attractive at least. It didn’t work.
         “What do you want?” the question rolling out of me with a suddenness that surprised even me.
         “Don’t you know, Chuck? You know everything after all, don’t you? King of Reality, Keeper of Existence, Dictator of all that is, has been and ever will be.” The woman’s tone took a mocking twist as she spoke. Mocking! She was making fun of me! My own creation, laughing at me! “You don’t know though, do you? How does that make you feel?”
         “What?” anger flaring in my mind, I’d never been spoken to like this before. Even my parents had maintained an almost reverent attitude towards me. It’s what I’d wanted, so it’s what I’d gotten. I always got what I wanted, so why couldn’t I make this woman leave, or at least shut up!
         “I know how you feel, Chuck, its how I want you to feel. I want you mad and confused. I find it a lot more entertaining when you don’t understand what’s going on.” The woman’s bluntness once more showing through as she all but chastised me.
         “Listen, lady, I’ve got things to do that don’t include listening to you go on as if you knew me.” All I could think to say, the woman’s face taking on an almost tired look to it. It’s like she’d expected me to say that, as if she’d heard it countless times before and had simply stopped believing it long ago.
         “No you don’t, Chuck. You’ve got nowhere to be, nowhere to go. I know because I’ve got no plans for you.” The words came from her mouth slowly as if she were talking to a five year old. I understood the words but the implications were ridiculous, that frown returning.
         “I think you’re mistaken, lady. I’ve got places to go and whatever plans you think you have for me have nothing to do with that.” I dismissed her comment as quickly as I could, knowing it was ridiculous. How had she found out about me though? It was impossible! It struck me then, the explanation so simple I’d simply overlooked it. “Whatever you’re on about doesn’t matter anyway; I made you so of course you know about me on some level. Everyone does, you’re just more aware of it than other… people.” That last word sticking in my throat, it always had. Dilemma solved I turned to Miguel, the security guard. “Miguel, get rid of this woman!” the large Puerto Rican looking at me as if I’d lost my mind.
“What woman, Mr. Avery?” the man speaking as he moved towards me, concern on his features.
“The one I was just talking to!” frustration clear, masking a sudden sensation of dread creeping up my spine. Turning back towards the woman I wasn’t surprised to see she was gone again. I could feel the small trickle of sweat that began to creep along my left temple, certain it had to be my subconscious trying to tell me to take it easy with the grandstanding. I was getting too big for myself it seemed, maybe this was just me telling myself this. “Nevermind, she must have left on her own.” All I could think to reply with, Miguel standing several feet away with that look of concern, as if anyone had to be concerned FOR me! I didn’t bother explain myself to him, simply closing my eyes and concentrating on my office once more. When I opened them, I was there. My stomach clenched as I looked across my desk at a familiar face.
         “I’m not leaving.” All she had to say as she kicked her feet up onto my desk in front of her. I didn’t even get angry this time; I could only stare at her. “There’s a good boy, just keep quiet for now, Chuck.” A moment of silence following, “Chuck? I don’t really like that name. I think your name will be Evan from now on.” That smile returning to her features as I sat there staring at her, unable to move. “Now, I’m sure you have questions, you always do, and I always answer them. Well, not you specifically, since there is no you. Just me.” That same self-satisfied smile crossing the woman’s features, “So rather than make you ask all those silly questions, let me explain. You were half right, there is only one real mind, but I’m afraid it’s not yours; it’s mine. I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking!” the woman’s voice changing, becoming my voice as she continued to speak, “But I can think! How can I not be real if I have my own thoughts and feelings?!” the woman’s smile taking on a rather smug look, “Well, rather than sit here talking to myself about it, why don’t I just show you?” her head canting as she stared back at me, green eyes seeming to look through me, hadn’t they been blue the day before?

         Thoughts flooded my head, an entire universe of understanding filling my head in a split second. All of it made terrifying sense as the woman’s… no, she wasn’t a woman just as I wasn’t a man. Descartes had been wrong when he said he thought therefore he was. Even if one were to be aware of their own thought processes there was no guarantee that those thought processes were, in fact, their own. Under the guise of free thought I’d been doing exactly what she’d wanted. I’d created this company because she’d allowed me to, I’d wanted to look this way because she wanted me to want to look this way and I’d only worn this suit because she wanted me to like it. All of it a microcosm of the universe as a whole, free will existing simply out of ignorance of this one mind’s desires. She grew lonely therefore I came to be. She thought therefore I –thought- I thought, she lusted therefore I grew vain. All of it a mirror of her desires with a twist to impart the perception of free will. I could feel myself quiver at the prospect of what sat before me. Finally I drew the resolve to speak.
         “Why? Why not just take it yourself!? Why lead me on?” I demanded my voice unashamedly shaky. I was sitting before God and for the first time in my life I felt afraid.
         “Laws, ethics, morals… what meaning do they have?” she mused, “Remember that? You thought that was you? I’m sorry, Evan. That was me. You aren’t the first to be shown the truth nor were you the first to think this was yours; as for the why? Well, I need to entertain myself with you shadows somehow.” The woman gesturing around, “If you were the genesis of this reality, and all that you saw was yours, why would you care how you look? Why would you care how you appear to others? They aren’t real but still you move to impress them.” the disgust was obvious in the woman’s words for the first time, that smugness vanishing for the scantest of seconds. “I know you think I’m ugly, that I’m poor and dirty. But tell me, Evan. What do I have to prove to you?” a peal of laughter punctuating the woman’s words. “As soon as you began to care, you should have realized. I suppose that isn’t entirely fair of me though, I didn’t want you to realize so you didn’t.”
I didn’t blink, I know I didn’t, but still the woman changed. There was no glowing light or angelic choirs as they often showed in movies, there was simply a dirty woman sitting in front of me one second then a stunning redhead with full lips and jade eyes sitting in her place the next, her skin soft on the eyes and no doubt softer to the touch.
“What do you want from me?” I asked.
“I want you to go home, Evan.” The simple reply, the redhead smiling delicately, knowing whatever fight had been in me had been whipped out by her unveiling of who she was. I felt tired then, sleep soon coming to claim me as she knew it would.

         I awoke to find myself sitting in my own kitchen, breakfast laid out before me and sunlight sneaking its way past the thin cotton curtains of my kitchen window. Sitting up I frowned, how had I gotten here? I must have dozed off.
“You’re going to be late, dear!” the feminine voice from the other room catching my attention, prompting me to check my watch and realize she was right.
“Shit! No time for breakfast, sorry honey!” called back as I pushed away from the table. I couldn’t really be late mind you but I liked to play along with my wife, or rather the shadow I had created to be my wife. As I hurried out the door I looked back once to catch her face peeking from around the corner of the living room door, dropping her a wink before I turned and left the house. Behind me I could hear her call after me,
         “Have a good day, Evan!” the words prompting me to turn and give her a wave, heart warming at the sight of her green eyes twinkling in the morning sunlight.