You’ve got to start somewhere…right...

It had been at least three years since I had broken up with my latest girl friend and let’s just say I wasn't counting the days or weeks or whatever one usually does to remember the days spent with someone we thought that we couldn't imagine spending the rest of our lives without, but now, can only see it as a time in our lives when love was wasted on who you thought was going to be that special someone. But she or he had other plans. I know it never starts out that way. In the beginning everything is new, love is in the air so to speak and both of you feel like it’s going to last forever. Isn't that the trap though, we've been through this before but no matter how the last relationship ended and no matter what we thought then, all is forgiven and we begin a new, telling ourselves that this is surely the one, this is definitely going to last, and we are going to be together forever. But not this time, not in this case for me. It has been three years of no relationships, no true love, and no physical contact whatsoever. I don't know why but for some reason this time it was different. This time I was fed up, this time I told myself no matter what I was not going to settle on any part of a relationship, and unless I believed that I could be truly happy in it, that I wouldn't even bother to take it any further let alone to even go on a first date unless I felt we clicked initially. Now maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm selfish but anymore I feel as though unless I am really in love with someone the word sex shouldn’t even be brought to the table. To me unless the aspect of love is involved, sex just feels like a job to me. I have thoughts like; "Is it over yet?" and afterwards, "I just got to get out of here." have often crossed my mind when having sex with someone just because we both wanted to feel good at the time or just because we were "exclusively" together. I sometimes feel like I am the only one on the planet who hasn't ever really experienced true love and I also feel like I may never. I often tell people that, "its ok if I never do, I would rather go through life alone and happy than with someone and miserable." but don't really think I mean that when it comes down to it. Of course I would like to find that special someone to spend my life with, who wouldn't right? This is a question I often ask myself until something else undoubably takes my attention away and I move onto the next thing putting the question of love in my life on the back burner until I have some time to myself and start to examine my life.
Don't get me wrong I have a normal life if there is such a thing. I'm 40 average height and weight, brown eyes and hair (longer) and I recently just moved back in with my mother to help take care of her due to some medical issues. This is really weird for me since I haven't lived at home since I was like 18 years old. Things don't change though let me tell you. I always hear the "Make sure you wear a jacket." and the  "You need to cut your hair." comments that I had heard just about all my life growing up until the day I left. It’s really scary because sometimes I feel when I go to sleep and then wake up I have somehow traveled back in time and I have to start my life all over again from 12 years old.  "Nooo!!! " I wake up screaming in a cold sweat sometimes from the nightmare,. It's really not that bad. I'm exaggerating of course but it’s not how I want to remember my 40th birthday, with my mother asking me if I took a shower today. Matter of fact a true story. A friend of mine had come over with me to the house one day, she wanted to meet my mother and I wanted my mother to meet her son Elvin who is my Godson. Anyways to make a long story short right in front of my friend my mother proceeded to ask me if I had changed my underwear that day. What could I say besides, "Yes, of course I had." The look I got from my friend was like wow, and if that’s not bad and embarrassing enough, I think she has told every friend she has this story as well. But anyway the reason for telling this story is just to show that even if I wanted to there is no way on this earth that I would try to bring a female into her house if not for any other reason just because of the fear of embarrassment of the infamous underwear question.
I didn't really expect this story to be going into the direction that it is but I'm just gonna go with it and see where I end up. So back to me I guess. I am a social guy that likes learning new things, being original whenever possible and am constantly fighting the norm or the trend of the day. For some reason I just can't seem to allow myself to be so shallow that I have to look to others to see who I should be and how I should act. I am a music lover and while in most of the projects I have been in I have sang, I also play the alto saxophone, the piano and the guitar. I love to perform as well as record music and am just as at home on a stage in front of 3000 people as I am in front of 2. When it comes to relationships I am really easy going I only ask three things; One, don't disrespect me, treat me as you would want to be treated yourself. Two, do not cheat on me, if you are feeling a certain way let me know don't let me find out. Three, when you go out and you say you will be home at a certain time, if you can't make it just call and let me know. This has nothing to do with jealousy and checking up on anybody, sorry I worry that’s all. Oh I also forgot to add I know how to cook and am pretty good at it, I'm told, I also can do my own laundry as well as be pretty handy around the house with stuff and kids I am great with kids as well and have a daughter that is turning 20 in May and is in college right now doing great I might add. (Proud Dad) moment)  Sounds easy right, sounds like a dream guy right? Well so far no one is knocking down my door, not that I'm out there looking or anything, but once in a while it would be nice to know that someone was interested in me. Allot of it however is my fault though honestly. For the past few years I have been really staying to myself, avoiding going places when I'm invited and just hanging out in the house and not going anywhere whatsoever except to the local Dunkin Donuts for coffee or to the WAWA down the street for cigarettes. I mean the only other place I go is to North Philadelphia to see my Godson Elvin and let’s face it, me finding someone down there who I would deem worth starting a relationship with would be slim. Especially because the times that I am usually there the women I would even think about dating are at work so I wouldn't see them anyways. Let’s face it, it seems like I am basically unconsciously holding myself back from meeting someone, at least thats what I am getting out of this story and its funny because until right now I never really saw it this way. Hmmmm maybe writing this wasn't such a bad idea after all huh. Well I got to go I will write more later and continue from where I left off promise...