WritersCramp: Have you been Transformed?

                                          Have You Been Transformed?



I was still having trouble getting used to 'my' apartment since my girlfriend had moved in.  I loved having her here, it was her stuff that I wasn't particularly crazy about.  I mean really, stuffed animals?  And she'd made me replace all my swimsuit posters with real pictures.  The worst was the rack of porcelain figurines in the living room.

I knew that it had been handed down from generation to generation in her family.  I knew that she only had it because her mother had died a couple of years ago. Still, porcelain figurines don't belong in a man's apartment; I dreaded what my friends would say.  But, we had an understanding.  I let the figurines stay, she didn't say a word about me blowing two months salary on a new big-screen TV.

I heard the doorbell. Since I wasn't expecting anyone, that meant it was probably Jehovah's Witnesses. I was surprised to see two young blondes.  Both had on short skirts and halter tops that displayed ample cleavage.

"Hi" one said "I'm Mandi". 

"I'm Tiffany" said the other.

They then stood there with vapid smiles frozen on their faces. "Um, I'm Mark."

"Hi Mark" they said in unison.

"Have you been Transformed?"  Mandi asked me.

"Um, I'm not sure what you mean.  I've been born-again if that's what you're asking."

"No. Jesus is so last millennium."  Mandi said.

"Totally," Tiffany added, "Being Transformed requires accepting Trevor as your savior."

"May we come in and tell you about Him?"

Since my girlfriend wasn't due home for several hours, I thought 'what the heck'?  They were really cute and it could be a fun conversation.  They sat down on the couch.  I offered them something to drink, but they said just water would be fine.  I brought them their water and sat down in a chair opposite the couch.

"Here" Mandi said "Take this."  She handed me a small book with the words "Book of Trevor" written on the cover. "You can read this after we go.  It contains everything you need to know about Him."  From a quick glance, the book was mainly incoherent ramblings.

"So, who or what is Trevor?" I asked.

"Trevor is awesome!  Believing in Him will Transform you into a super-special person.  You'll always be successful and you'll always be able to see the good in others.  And that's just on Earth, after you die there's this really fabulous Heaven waiting for you.  All he asks is that you don't be mean."  Mandi told me.

"And, I suppose he'll send me to Hell if I don't believe in Him."

"Of course not, Trevor doesn't take it personally if you don't believe in Him; he's bigger than that.  You're only human, what you believe in regards to God depends on where you were born and who you talk to.  Only a real meanie would punish people for something that wasn't their fault."  Mandy seemed to have a point.

"So, if Trevor isn't going to punish me, why not continue to believe in Jesus?"

"Because", Tiffany joined in, "You'll miss out on all the benefits of having Trevor watch your back.  Unlike with some Gods, praying to Trevor actually works.  Sure, sometimes he has to say no, but he always makes sure to let you know why."

I noticed that the girls' glasses were empty.  "Would you ladies like more to drink? I've also got tea and diet soda."

"I'll have a diet soda" Mandi said.

"I'll stick with just water, I'm very particular about what gets put in my body." There was a trace of smugness in Tiffany's reply.

"Since when" I heard Mandi mutter.

Tiffany's face went from vapid smile to anger instantly.  "Excuse me! What the Hell did you just say?"

"Oh, like you think I don't know about you hooking up with both Jake and Dave since going steady with Kevin."  Mandi's smile had become a sneer.

"Seriously?  Well at least I haven't made a hobby of screwing all my friends' exes."

"Why you ..."  Instead of finishing the sentence Mandi slapped Tiffany hard in the face.  Tiffany sat stunned for a second and then pounced on Mandi; her arms started flailing away punching Mandi.  Mandi managed to throw Tiffany onto the coffee table, scattering all the books on top.

I decided I'd better intervene before any real damage was done.  An errant elbow left me out of breath just long enough for Mandi to ram Tiffany headfirst into my new TV.  As soon as I could I grabbed Mandi's shoulder.  That turned out to be an incredibly huge mistake.

I received a hard fist driven straight into my groin.  That gave Tiffany time to grab a distracted Mandi.  As I lost consciousness, I saw Mandi being hurled into the porcelain rack.

As I came too, I saw Mandi sitting on Tiffany's back, holding a handful of hair.  Somehow Mandi's top had been shredded.  Her breasts flopped freely as she pounded Tiffany's face into the floor.

"What the Hell is going on here?"  Shit, my girlfriend was home early.

Mandi let go of Tiffany's head and put her smile back on.  "Hi, um, we're missionaries.  Have you been Transformed?"