Running Heartbeat

Silent Recovery

         My days on crutches were living hell. I fell every few steps and had to live in my family room unless Ethan was there to carry me up and down stairs. I refused to have full conversations with anyone, even Alexa and Marissa and my other friends at school who had no part in what happened. I had turned into a snobby bitch that no one wanted to sit with at lunch, or walk with in the halls. Yet, Ethan did it all. He walked along me silently, carrying my school bag or lunch tray. He came over every day after school and helped me with homework or sat with me while I watched TV. I rarely ever spoke to him, never mind thank him for anything he did. My mom and I didn’t speak. At all. She tried, that first morning after Christmas break was over, to say good-bye and that she loved me, but I ignored her and unwillingly let Ethan pick me up and place me in his truck. After a few mornings of that, she gave up. She was never home after school now, and I didn’t know if it was because of me or because she was with him. And I honestly didn’t care. I just came home and watched TV for an hour, then reluctantly let Ethan carry me to my room.

         “Are you sure I can’t get you something babe?” Ethan asked, taking a seat next to me with a soda.

         “I’m fine.” I mumbled and turned the volume up so I could hear Bones talking to Booth over Ethan.

         “Okay.” he said and leaned back into the pale yellow cushions. I rolled my eyes in response, thinking he wouldn’t see.

         “That’s it.” he said suddenly, taking the remote from my hand and turning the TV off.

         “Hey!” I raised my voice, and abruptly sat forward and placed my foot on the ground. It caught the corner of the coffee table and I squeaked in pain. Ethan gently wrapped his hands around my ankle and slowly put it back on the pillow it was resting on.

         “I’m sorry babe, but I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of putting up with you being rude to everyone and not caring about anything anymore.”

         “I never asked you to put up with me.” it had to be the longest sentence out of my mouth in a long time.

         “No, you didn’t. And now I’m questioning why I did. I really care about you Grace. But if you don’t get rid of this ‘woe is me’ act you’re putting off, everything I felt for you is going to fade away. I’ve dealt with you for too long and not a single one of your friends deserves what you’re dishing out.”

         “Really Ethan? So what? You’re breaking up with me. That’s it right? Awesome, why don’t you just kick me while I’m down.”

         “Grace Marie. Don’t you turn this around on me. And I’m not breaking up with you. But I’m going to put an end to this. I know that you’re upset, but this had been dragged on long enough.”

         “And what are you going to do about it. You can’t change what happened.”

         “No, you’re right. I can’t. But I can change the future because that hasn’t happened yet. Is your mom at work?”

         “I don’t know. Why? What are you going to do?”

Ethan stood up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen, taking my crutches with him so I couldn’t follow.

         “Ethan! What are you doing?!” I yelled from my helpless position on the couch. There was silence in the kitchen. A few moments later, he returned, a stupid smirk on his face.

         “Ethan what did you do? I swear to God when I find out what you did, I’m going to kill you.”

         “Just wait sweetie–”

         “Don’t call me that.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest and pouted. I couldn’t believe him. I saw him roll his eyes and I sighed. “I’m sorry Ethan. I know I’ve been tough on you and you shouldn’t have stayed around as long as you did. I’m not worth how you’ve been treating me and you should have given up a long time ago. But you didn’t. And I’d like to know why. I mean, I wouldn’t have put up with me—”

         “Grace. I put up with you because I love you. I told you that weeks ago. But I meant what I said. If you don’t change your attitude, I’m gone.”

         “I’m sorry Ethan. I really am. You deserve better than me. But I’ll change. I promise. I can go back to the girl you fell in love with. I promise.”

         “She’s right here.” Ethan moved closer to me and wrapped his arms around my back to pull me close. “She never really left. She just...got lost for a while.”

I felt the pressure behind my eyes let go, and tears began to fall like rain. “I love you Ethan. And I’m sorry.”

         “I know babe. I know.”

We sat for a while; I stayed in Ethan’s arms, until I heard the front door open, then quickly close. I pulled myself away. “Who’s that?”

Before he could answer a voice spoke. “Ethan I’m here. What’s the emergency? Is Gracie alright? What happened?”

Mom. He called my mother? And told her there was an emergency? Oh was I going to kill him later for this.

         “I’m sorry Jayne. Grace is fine I promise. But you two need to talk. I’ll be in the other room if you need me” Ethan let go and left my side, leaving me with my unwanted mother figure.

         “Grace, are you sure you’re okay?”

         “I’m fine.” I mumbled. “Just go back to work with your stupid boyfriend.”

         “Grace. He’s not my boyfriend any more.” she sat down in the chair across from me and placed her Vera Bradley on the floor next to her feet.

I pushed myself up so I sat more upright. “Wh–what? What happened?”

         “Gracie you seriously didn’t think that I would keep someone around that you couldn’t stand, did you?”

         “Well...no I guess not.”

         “Gracie, you’re more important to me than anything. I would never want you to feel like you were second to me.”

         “I know that Mom. I was just so shocked. And upset. I felt like you betrayed me and dad. And I was so angry with you for that. I was just being a baby after. I’m such an idiot Mom. I’ve been so self-centered the past few days that I didn’t even care who I hurt. I really do want you to be happy mom. And if that means you wanna date someone then that’s okay with me.”

         “Grace you have every right in the world to be mad at me. And while your little act these past few days may have been a little childish, I understand why you were acting that way. And thank you sweetie. But I promise I will include you more in what’s going on in my life. And go back to the way things were...the way things should be.”

         “I love you Mom.”

She stood up and walked a few feet to me, then wrapped her arms around me. “I love you too Gracie.”

          Ethan entered the room to find me in my mom’s arms. “This is the family I’ve come to know and love.”

My mom and I parted, and I smiled up at my boyfriend. He smiled and mouthed “I love you”. My mom stood and announced that she had to get back to work since the emergency is over. I kissed her goodbye and was left alone again with Ethan. He took his seat next to me and switched on the TV. I sat silent for a moment, then after some effort, pulled myself on top of him.

         “Grace! What are you doing?! You’re gonna hurt you–” my lips cut him off. I pressed my body against him, ignoring the slight pain from pressure in my foot. His arms wrapped tight around my waist, making it impossible for me to move, even if I wanted to. I ran my hands through his shaggy hair, toying with the ends as I slid my tongue past his teeth. His hands sent shivers down my spine as he ran them up and down my back. We parted for a second and he took a breath. “What was that for?”

I smiled, “For being the best boyfriend in the entire world, even when I didn’t deserve the worst.” 

         “Sweetie, you will always deserve the best. No matter what you’re going through.”

For my answer I pressed myself against him again, his arms tight around me. When we parted for air again, I checked the clock. We had three hours before mom came back home from work. I turned back to face him and smiled. He turned his head to the side like a puppy trying to hear better and I smiled wider. He finally understood.

         “You sure Grace? Are you sure you’re ready? Maybe we should wait until your foot fully heals.”

I shook my head. “I will never be more ready. I love you Ethan James Reivers.”

         “Okay then!” and he wrapped his arms around me again, picking me up off the couch and carrying me upstairs to my room. I laughed and he twirled me around my room before placing me gently on my bed. He then jogged over and closed the door, then returned to my side. “You’re one hundred percent positive you’re ready to do this.”

         “I have never been more sure. Now come here.” I slowly got up on my knees and ran my hand down his shirt, then ripped it off over his head. He sat down beside me and pulled me on top of him. We kissed for a moment before I rolled over so that he was above me. He slowly moved his hands up my shirt, our eyes locked as he pulled it up around my neck. He disappeared for a few seconds until my head was free form the mess of purple fabric. I shivered as his cool hands touched my skin. He kissed my neck, then the center of my chest as he reached behind me to unhook my bright yellow bra, which fell to the floor next to the heap of Ethan’s clothes.

The Way Things Were

A cold breeze woke me with a start. I jumped awake, causing Ethan to wake up too.

         “What? What’s wrong?”

         “Oh..nothing,” I laughed, “I’m just cold.” 

Ethan laughed and reached over me to grab his shirt off the ground. “Here babe.”

I put my arms over my head and he pulled his black thermal over them. I smiled and flapped the excess sleeves in his face. He laughed and kissed my cheek. I settled back down into his arms. “What time is it?”

         “Umm...Just about four.”

I jumped up out of his arms again. “Crap Ethan! My mom’s gonna be home–” I paused and we both looked at the windows as we heard a car door slam. “Go gogo!! Get dressed!” I pulled his shirt off and hooked my bra back on and yanked my shirt over my head. Ethan fell twice trying to hoist his underwear and jeans on.

         “Grace? Was that you? Are you alright?” we heard the front door slam and her footsteps on the stairs.

         “Grace the bed. The bed.” Ethan barked in a whisper. I hobbled over and quickly straightened the sheets as Ethan sat on the window seat trying to look normal. I grabbed a magazine and threw myself on top of my bed just as mom knocked on the door and came in.

         “Gracie, are you–oh hi Ethan. I didn’t know you were still here.”

         “I was just leaving Jayne.” Ethan stood and kissed me on the forehead, whispered I love you, then left me with my mom.

         “Bye Ethan, and thank you.”

Ethan nodded, knowing what she meant.

         “So what was that loud bang?” my mom asked, walking in my room and looking around.

         “Oh, you know Ethan. Always fooling around. He tripped over the desk chair and fell down.” that was close enough to the truth. I forgave my mom. But I was still a teenager, and was totally not comfortable with talking sex with my mom.

         “Mhmm,” she laughed, “I think he does it to see you laugh.”

I smiled.

         “You really love him don’t you?”

         “Yeah mom. I really do. He’s amazing.”

My mom smiled. “It’s good to be your best friend again Gracie. I missed my girl.”

         “It’s good to be back mom. But I think I’m gonna take a nap. I’m a little tired and for some reason my foot is killing me.”

         “Okay darling. I’ll wake you in a few hours for dinner.”

         “Thanks mom.”

We had done it. Ethan and I had actually done it. We were tied together with so much more than just our love now. And I cannot believe my mom actually believed me. Most teens would get killed if a boy was in their room without a parent home. But that's just another reason why I truly love my mom. I slowly got myself off my bed and pulled back the sheets. My foot throbbed every time I moved.

         I lay awake for a while longer, staring at the ceiling. The past few months of my life played in the back of my mind. The first time I had met Ethan, that first night at his house, the runs we would go on every morning during the summer, the night he asked me out after the fire works on the Fourth of July, the bonfire we had the night before we all went back to school, my first day, the carnival, Christmas…it was all such a blur. I sat up suddenly. The dream I had, a few months back, with the merry go round. It was a message, a warning that something in my life was going to change, and for me not to run from my problems any more. I slowly lay back down. If I had known that, it would have made the whole dealing with Mom’s sudden relationship drive much easier. I sighed. January was almost over. I would be eighteen in less than three weeks. My senior year was ending and I hadn’t even decided where I was going to spend the next four years of my life. Ethan was heading off to the University of Hawaii in the fall, and I was torn between Duke University in North Carolina and the University of California, Los Angeles. It was strange, to think that everything as I knew it was about to change before my eyes, and no matter how fast I ran, it wasn’t going to stop it from happening. I slowly rolled over, careful not to move my foot too much, to look at the photo of me and my dad on the dresser.

          “I’m a runner Dad. I was born with speed and agility. No one can stop a runner; no one will dare to try. My life can change all it wants, but no one will slow me down.” I whispered as I fell asleep.





         The following weeks went by faster than I ever imagined possible. All of a sudden, it was graduation. I stood in line between Ryan Sandler and Calvin Trainer, nervously tapping my heels against the stone sidewalk. I could see the back of Ethan’s head in front of me; he was chatting with Alexa, who stood in front of him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as our line began to move. Our class of 137 slowly moved towards the outdoor theater where our families and faculty anxiously waited. As we approached the aisle, I eagerly searched for my mom. I blushed and looked at the ground when I spotted her; she sat next to Molly, in her massive white sun hat and red Chanel sunglasses. She was waving like she hadn’t seen me in three years. I slowly began to smile. I remembered the day Ethan and I caught her making her sundial, wearing the exact outfit she was in now. I looked up and waved back.

         “Who’s that?” Calvin asked.

         “My Mom.” I answered proudly as I began to march down the aisle.



         Once our entire class stood on stage and the choir sang the national anthem, we could finally be seated. Principle Kaluaki gave the opening address, talking about our parents handing us a pen so we could start writing our own stories and probably every cliché he could find. Finally he introduced Ethan, the class of 2010’s president. A round of applause went up as he stood and walked towards the podium.

         “Welcome parents, teachers, administrators, and most importantly, the class of 2010. I would first like to thank all you for the never-ending guidance and support you’ve given me and my peers throughout the past four years. It has been your solid structure that has gotten many of us to where we sit today. We owe you all very much.

         Now I would like to ask my classmates to think back to the first time we were all asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. Think of the answers you gave, a power ranger, a princess, or in my case, a cowboy. A few years later we were asked again. This time we said things like president, a pop star, or in my case, an astronaut. Then we entered high school, and it came time to actually come up with some sort of plan that would support us for the rest of our lives. Suddenly, when we were asked that familiar question, we didn’t know the answer. And we shouldn’t have to. Now isn’t the time to make quick decisions about the rest of our lives. Now is the time for each and every one of us to make mistakes. To take the wrong exit on the highway and get stuck somewhere. To go to school for photography, then change our minds. And change them again, and again. To try out all our options, and weigh each one out. To find the best fit for us, no matter how many chances it takes. That way, the next time someone asks us what we want to be, we won’t have to guess. We’ll know.”

         The entire crowd rose to their feet. The sound of applause erupted and filled then entire theater. I held back my tears. This was it. Our last moment as members of Kai Cliffs High School. I couldn’t in four short months I was being shipped off to North Carolina to start the rest of my life. Where did all the time go?

         One by one, each member of our class stood to receive their diploma. From my seat, I watch Garret, Kevin, Matt, and Marissa walk across the stage. Alexa and Ethan appeared moments later. Then it was my turn.

         “Grace Marie Sawyer…Duke University.”

         I stood at the sound of my name and walked towards Principle Kaluaki. I smiled at the sound of my mother hollering from the back of the theater.

         “Congratulations Grace. I expect great things from you. Good luck on your future endeavors.”

         “Thank you Principle Kaluaki.”

         I turned and faced the crowd, and smiled to have my picture taken. My first picture as a high school graduate. There’s a crazy thought. 

Good-bye Isn’t Forever

         Summer was a blur. It was full of laughter and carefree fun. Surf competitions every weekend, barbecues every night, fires on the beaches and late night swimming. I spent the night before I left for college lying on Ethan’s bedroom floor. I had three photo albums spread out in front of me, and the two of us scrambled to shove every photo from that summer into the empty pages. Finally, after an hour or so, Ethan slid the last photo into the last slot. The two of us sighed and stood up. No more pictures meant time for me to leave. I had a 6:50 flight in the morning. I refused to look up at Ethan as I gathered my things. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I tried to wipe the tears away as quickly as they fell, but with little success.

         “Oh baby girl, don’t cry. Come here.”

         Ethan held me for a good half hour as I sobbed in his arms. I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want to leave my mom, my home. I didn’t want change anymore. For so long Ethan had offered me a solid home. I was so tried of things changing. I wanted to run. I needed to feel the wind in my face; I needed to feel free. But I couldn’t go anywhere. I had always prided myself in being able to run from every problem that came into view. But Ethan could catch me and it would be useless. So I stayed put, and let Ethan comfort me as I cried. After a while, my eyes cleared and we stood up. I hugged Molly good-bye and told her I would be sure to email her when I got settled. Ethan walked me to the door, and with tears in his eyes as well, we hugged for one last time.

         “Be safe Grace. Be safe, be smart, keep your grades up.”

         “Alright mom, I’ll be sure to make you proud.” I tried to lighten the mood.

He laughed, “I’m going to miss you so much Australia.”

I half smiled at my old nickname. He had stopped calling me that for a while, and it was nice to know he still remembered it.

         “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.” I whispered.

         “You’re going to study hard. And you’re going to meet all new friends and you’re going to be fine. I promise.”

         “Ethan?”

         “Mhmm?”

         “I love you.”

         “I love you too Gracie.”

         We parted and I drove silently home. That night was one of the worst in my life. It was filled with silence and final packing. I shoved the photo albums into my last suitcase as I wiped a few last tears away. I climbed into bed early and quickly fell asleep.



         I woke up after what seemed like two hours, and judging by my clock, it probably was. I was up an hour earlier than I should be. Frustrated, I changed into running clothes and yanked on my running shoes. I was out into the early morning before I could even blink. I faced the wind, and set my feet in motion. I ran through my town, down all the familiar streets, past my friends’ houses, past my school, and the beach. I felt as free as I have ever been. I moved fluidly with the wind, and went wherever it took me. I shot past everything I had known over the past year, past everything I had come to love. The memories I had from this place filled my head, and made my heart heavy. I turned to head home and for the first time I realized what I had. I had a home. A place where family and friends will always be waiting for my return. A place that I have to come back to when I’m lost and confused. A place with open arms and a loving embrace. And for the first time in years, I felt like I belonged.

         I reached my front steps and for the first time in days, I fully smiled.



         An hour later I was shoving everything I owned into my Mom’s car and climbing in to sit beside her for one last drive. We sat in silence as we drove to the airport. Once there, she helped me empty out my stuff and check me into my flight. I grabbed my purse and turned to look at her.

         “I love you Mom.” I said, I could feel tears pushing against my eyelids.

         “Don’t cry Gracie. Never cry when you’re saying good-bye.” She kissed my forehead and pulled me close. “Do you remember when Papa died?”

I nodded my head, not sure where this story was going.

         “I asked your father why he wasn’t crying after telling his father good-bye. And you know what he said?”

I shook my head.

         “He said, “Good-bye is a simple term. It’s not as complicated as people make it out to be. Saying good-bye doesn’t mean you’ll never see each other again. Good-bye isn’t forever.” And your good-bye isn’t forever. I love you Gracie. Call me when you get settled in and tell me about your roommates and your trip. Be safe. And good luck.” She hugged me close and kissed my head one more time. We parted and I sat down in my terminal to wait for my flight. She waved and left to get back home before the traffic got heavy. I pulled out my phone and went to text Ethan.

         “My mom told me that my Dad believed good-bye isn’t forever. Tell me you believe that.”

         “Your Dad was an amazing man Gracie. And he’s right. Good-bye will never be forever.”

         I smiled and turned my phone off as the flight attendants started calling people for boarding. I turned and looked out the window and the view of Hawaii for one last moment. I took a deep breath and muttered what my mom had just said.

         “Are you ready?”

         “huh? Oh yeah, sorry. Here.” I handed the woman my boarding pass.

         “You’ll be back. Don’t say good-bye just yet,” she smiled, “Have a nice flight.”

         “Thanks.” I smiled and made my way towards the plane.

         I watched out the window as we taxied down the runway. Soon we were in the air and flying over the warm Hawaiian waters. I closed my eyes. Today is the start of the rest of my life. Not the end of something great, but the beginning of something incredible.



         I’m a runner. I was born with speed and agility. No one can stop a runner. No one will dare to try. Running is in my blood; it flows through my veins and is pumped through my heart. You will always be able to hear my heartbeat as my feet hit the pavement. And no matter what my life comes to, no one will slow me down.