Life starts in college... Part 1 of 3

         I had never moved before- I’d always lived in the same small town, had the same friends my whole life, and gone to the same school district since I started preschool. So how was I supposed to go off to college and expect everything to be okay? I had a boyfriend here and my family was here- I’d never been away from them for longer than a week!

         My thoughts went to John, my boyfriend- how was I supposed to leave him? We’d been dating all through senior year and the past summer, and I wasn’t sure when we were going to get to see each other. I was going to a school down south, in North Carolina, and he was going to a great school up in New York that he’d gotten a full ride to for soccer. It was a ten hour drive either way from our home town to get to our respective schools; that meant it would take almost twenty four hours for either of us to drive all the way to the other’s school! That was impossible- this relationship was going to die, and we both knew it, but we had decided to at least try.

         As I lay in bed the night before I left for school, I started to cry. I didn’t want to go all the way to North Carolina, but my mom couldn’t afford to pay for me to go to an in-state or out of state school, and I had received a partial scholarship for my grades and gotten enough money from other sources that I could go to this school without my mom having to pay a dime. I was planning on getting a job on campus to pay for my meal plan, which I wasn’t happy about but I knew it had to be done.

         The next day, after the car was packed and all my things were in my bookbag, we left- my mom was driving, so I got out my iPod and sullenly sat in the passenger seat, watching as my home town, my friends, my whole life disappeared past the window.

         Ten hours later, we pulled up in front of a hotel a few miles from the school. I had a ten o’clock move-in time tomorrow, and it was too long of a drive to do it tomorrow morning, so we’d decided to get a hotel and spend the night.

         I collapsed onto one of the beds, falling asleep almost instantly, my ear buds still in my ears.

         The next morning we woke up and went for breakfast, then headed over to the school to check in and move all my things into the dorm I was staying in.

         As I looked around campus, it didn’t seem that bad. There were a lot of students outside, helping all the freshmen unpack their cars and get all their things up to their rooms, and it only took ten or fifteen minutes to get all my stuff up to my room. My mom came up once she parked the car and helped me get some of it organized, and then we went over to the dining hall to grab some lunch before my orientation activities started.

         “Okay, sweetie, call me when you want to talk or anything- I love you,” my mom said, holding out her arms for a hug.

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for helping me move in and everything,” I said, trying to hold back tears as I watched her get into the car and drive off.

         So that was it- I was all alone now. I sighed heavily, walking back toward my dorm. My roommate was a huge partier, and she was from this town, so she had a hundred friends here already and she was out having a good time. Orientation started tonight at dinner, so I had a few hours to kill before that. I went up to my room, propping my door open and setting my stereo up so I could turn on some music. I sat down at my desk and tried to organize all of my shit, but there was so much that it seemed overwhelming. Finally I gave up and decided to go watch TV in the lobby on our floor. I turned off my music and grabbed my room key, closing the door behind me as I headed down the hallway.

         The dorm was a classic dorm style, with rooms opening up into one long hallway. There were bathrooms at either end, one guys and one girls since the floor was co-ed by room, and there was a lounge at one end that had a few couches and chairs, some vending machines, a pool table, a foosball table, an air hockey table, and a huge flat screen TV up on the wall. It was a nice lounge, and there were already a few people down there taking advantage of the TV. I found a seat on a couch that was unoccupied and focused on the TV screen- it was some show that I had never seen on MTV, but I could zone out while I watched it and not have to think about anything.

         I spent most of orientation with my roommate and some girlfriends of hers on our floor- they weren’t really friends of mine, but I followed them around so that I had people to hang out with. I didn’t talk much, unless one of them was talking directly to me, and it was actually a pretty miserable existence.

         I enjoyed the co-ed dorms; I had always gotten along with guys much better than girls, so by the third day of orientation I switched groups and hung out with a group of six guys and two girls. Both of the girls were dating two of the boys in the group, and they were all really nice, accepting me like I had always been part of their group. Katie and Sean were dating- Katie was very pretty and blonde, and Sean was a pretty big guy on a rugby scholarship. Cal was dating Jaime, who was here on a swimming scholarship, and Cal was a bit crazy, experimenting with drugs and alcohol since he hadn’t been able to do any of it back home. Jacob was some Native American in his ancestry, so his skin was darker, almost reddish, and his hair looked black. He was very muscular, and we got along really well. He was always smiling and laughing and making everybody laugh, and he knew how to make everybody feel welcome and comfortable. Andrew was a skinny, tall blonde haired guy who looked like he was still going through a growing spurt- he was always tripping over his own feet, or bumping into something. Josh was on a lacrosse scholarship; he had light brown hair, was really tan, and was fairly muscular, but in a leaner way than Jacob (they were roommates, which meant that all of us had to listen to them bicker like a married couple- they got along okay, but there was always something wrong). He always seemed to be checking other girls out and commenting on this or that as they walked by, making almost all of them blush. Adam played lacrosse with Josh, and he always complained about being the only black kid on the team; that’s just how he was. He was really boisterous, always cracking jokes and poking fun, but never actually being serious about anything. Jacob, Josh, Katie, Jaime and Sean were all in my dorm, and Jacob was even on my floor- that’s how I had been invited into the group. Jacob had asked if I wanted to go to lunch with them, and of course I’d said yes, since I hadn’t been looking forward to eating with the girls again.

         As I slowly became acclimated to college life, I had these guys to lean on. Katie was just like me; from a small town, never been away from home for very long. Jaime was always there to talk to, and between Katie and I, I’m sure we talked her ear off, but she always listened and gave great advice. Josh was very adept at finding the best parties to go to, so we had fun partying and going out, and I didn’t have all that much time to relax and realize how much I missed home. I started to forget to call John more and more in the evenings, and I knew it had to come to a head eventually.

         It was a Thursday night, when all the best parties were, and Katie, Jaime and I were in Katie’s dorm, trying to pick out the best outfits to wear out that night, and I got a call from John. The music was up pretty loud and my phone had been sitting on Katie’s bed, so I hadn’t heard it ring or vibrate. The fourth time it rang, I was sitting up on her bed and I heard it right as it was finishing up, so I didn’t get to it in time. I looked at my missed calls and saw that I had four missed calls from him, and I quickly went out into the hallway, not really sure where to go for this call. I ended up just sitting down outside Katie’s door, taking a deep breath, and calling John.

         It rang three, four, five times… and then he picked up.

         “Hey, Emma. So glad you noticed my four calls and called me back. What were you doing that you didn’t notice I was calling?” He didn’t even know what the situation was! Why was he being so vindictive already?!

         “My phone was on Katie’s bed and we had the music up, so I couldn’t hear it ringing,” I said quietly, and Jaime stuck her head out the door.

         “Hey, what are you doing out here? Come back inside; we’ve gotta get your outfit picked out,” she said, loud enough that John could hear every word.

         “Going out tonight? Surprise, surprise… so you obviously don’t have time to talk to me, right? You couldn’t spare a minute-” I cut him off, tired of his shit and ready to be done with all this.

         “JOHN!” I started, already starting to get worked up. “Shut up! I’m so sick of your vindictive tone! It’s like you’re assuming things before I even tell you them! You don’t know anything about my life here and I hate that you think you do!” I stopped, trying to think of what else to say, and he took the silence as an opening.

         “Emma, that’s because you don’t talk to me anymore. Is there another guy? Is that why you don’t tell me stories? You used to… the first couple weeks we talked every night and you told me everything about your day and I told you all about mine. Why don’t you do that anymore? Is something wrong? Did I do something to hurt your feelings or change the way you feel about me?” He trailed off, waiting for me to answer him.

         “No, you’ve done nothing wrong; I’m just starting to move on. There’s no other guy, before you say anything! We both knew this relationship wouldn’t work, and I am starting to see that that was definitely true. I don’t feel the same way I did this summer, and I would like to end this relationship,” I said, very politically and unemotionally, so John wouldn’t realize just how upset this was making me. He stayed quiet for a few more moments, and then he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

         “Okay, whatever you want, Emma. I just want you to be happy. Have fun at college- I hope next time we see each other we can put all this behind us and just be friends,” he said, and then he hung up. No goodbye… just a dial tone. I sat perfectly still for a minute, not daring to move for fear that my emotionless mask would shatter and I’d break down into tears. I took a deep breath, trying to calm down the tears that were welling up, and then I slowly got up, going back into Katie’s room.

         “Hey, sorry girls but I don’t feel so good- I think I’m going to have to opt out of tonight and go lay down,” I said with a small sad smile and a wave of my hand. “Have fun, though.” I ducked back out of the room before either of them could say anything, and I high-tailed it back to my room. I could hear them calling my name down the hallway, but I didn’t look back as tears started to fall.

I made          it to my room without seeing anyone and luckily Amanda, my roommate, wasn’t there… it was already eight, so she was probably out partying for the night and wouldn’t be home till one or two. I finally let go and cried into my pillow, letting my emotions play out.

         When my tears started to slow down, I tried taking some deep breaths, and I started to hiccup. Just as I was starting to calm down, I heard a knock at the door.

         “Emma? It’s Jacob… could you open up please? I wanna talk to you,” he said, and I panicked. He couldn’t see me like this- I didn’t want him to think I was a baby! I stayed really quiet, pretending I was asleep and hoping that he would go away.

         “Emma, we know you aren’t asleep in there- open up!” Katie was out there too… ugh. Still I stayed in bed- they couldn’t get into the room without a card to open it, so I was safe. Eventually they would go away.

         “She definitely wasn’t sick- one minute she was singing and laughing in my room, and then suddenly she took her phone out into the hallway. When she came back in, she looked pale and on the verge of tears, and she said she was sick,” Katie said to someone else outside.

         “Yeah, she looked like something had just happened and she was really upset,” Jaime said, and I groaned inwardly- there were three of them out there? I didn’t want them to see me like this- I glanced over at the mirror, and I had to look away. I looked like hell- I had makeup running down my cheeks from my tears, my cheeks were all red, and my eyes were puffy. If I just stayed right where I was, they would leave me alone.

         “Okay, I guess I’ll go find Christina- she’ll let us in once she hears the story,” Katie said loudly, and I groaned loudly this time. “Ha! I knew you were awake in there, Emma. Let us in so we don’t have to get Christina involved, please, because you know we will.” That was just plain rude- I wanted my privacy, so they needed to go away!

         “No, I don’t want you to come in here. I think I’m really contagious- it’s a pretty nasty cold I’ve got,” I said, trying to come up with a good reason. “I’m fine, just go away.” I held my breath- would they leave?

         “That’s bullshit, Emma, and you know it. You’ve got twenty seconds to let us in, or we’re sending Jacob to go get Christina or another RA,” Jaime said, and I sighed. There was really nothing I could do- I didn’t want an RA to get involved, because then it would just be embarrassing. I got up slowly, walking over to the door and opening it for them. Katie and Jaime both tackled me with a huge hug, and Jacob just stood in the doorway, watching my face with concern.

         “What happened?”

         “Are you alright?”

         “Why did you leave in such a hurry?” I sighed- this was why I didn’t want them all to come in here. It was overwhelming.

         “You know John? My boyfriend back home?” They both nodded, and Jacob stayed where he was, watching cautiously. “Well, we broke up on the phone just now,” I said, the tears starting to flow again. Now Jacob moved, sliding between Katie and Jaime and encircling me in a wonderful hug.

         “I’m sorry,” Katie and Jaime both said simultaneously, but Jacob just hugged me tightly. I buried my face into his shoulder and wrapped my arms around his chest, taking a deep shuddering breath.

         “I don’t really want to go out tonight- you guys can go without me. I think I’m just going to go to sleep soon, maybe watch a movie. I’ll go out with you tomorrow, promise, I just can’t deal with it right now,” I said, shaking my head slowly and pulling away from Jacob.

         “Are you sure? We could all stay in and just watch a movie or something if you want?” I laughed a little, shaking my head again.

         “No way; I can’t imagine that Josh would be very happy about staying in tonight.” Katie scowled.

         “Well, he could just deal with it. You’re more important than some stupid party, and he should know that,” she said, and I just smiled.

         “No, you guys go out. I’m just not up for it, but Josh found that awesome party, so you should go with him. Have fun and I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I said, trying to usher them out the door without making it seem like I wanted them to leave. Katie and Jaime started to leave, and Jacob turned to me.

         “I don’t want to go out knowing you’re sitting in your room crying, so is it okay if I stay with you? You can use my shirt as a tissue if you like,” Jacob said with a soft smile, and I watched him for a second. Why was he offering that?

         “Are you sure? Why don’t you just go out and have fun? I won’t be any fun at all,” I said carefully, not wanting him to think I didn’t want him to stay. If he was willing to, then I would gladly have him- he was such a good hugger. He shrugged.

         “I wasn’t too keen on going out tonight anyways. It’s one of those days when I’d rather just stay in, so I’ll stay with you if you want,” he said, his eyes on the floor as he spoke. I shrugged and turned back to my room.

         “You can stay if you want,” I said. “Katie, Jaime, I’ll see you tomorrow. Have fun tonight.” They left and Jacob said he was going to go change and then he’d be back. After he left, I thought about his offer. Was it because he just wanted to help, or was there an alternative motive behind his offer?

         As soon as I thought it, I wanted to take it back- Jacob couldn’t have an alternative motive even if he tried. He was too sweet and good natured to try anything, and anyways, he was just a friend. I had to keep repeating that to myself- he was just a friend. As I flipped through my DVDs, I tried to find something that wasn’t going to make me cry, and I settled on 300. It was gory and all about battle- it would keep my mind off of John and our recent… I couldn’t even bring myself to think about it.

         Since my thoughts were already on the subject, I tried to discern why I was so upset. Yes, John and I had dated for almost a year, but lately all I had felt toward him was annoyance. It was annoying to have to call him all the time and I was pretty sure I wasn’t in love with him anymore. So why was I crying like a completely baby over breaking up with him? I had been the one who had broken up with him, too, so it wasn’t like I’d been broken up with- I had done the deed, and now I was sobbing about it.

         Now that I thought about it, I guess I was upset because he had been my one real connection to home. We had a mutual home and it made that place still seem like home. Now that I didn’t have him anymore, my hometown seemed all that more distant and cold of a place, and the college campus was becoming more and more like my home. It was scary to think about it that way, but that was the reason I was so upset about losing John. Not because I loved him, but because our relationship had represented my home and my relationship with my friends there and my family.

         Just as I came to this realization, Jacob walked in. He had on sweats that were slung low around his waist so I could see his boxers beneath them, and a wife beater on that showed his well-defined chest, shoulders, and back. I swallowed as he walked in, realizing that this was the first time we would be alone since we had met almost two months ago. He sat himself down on one of the two low-slung chairs in my dorm room, facing the TV, and then he looked over at me.

         “So, what are we watching?” I held up the DVD and he raised his eyebrows at me. “Why that one?” I shrugged.

         “It’ll get my mind off of John,” I said, surprised at how easily I could say his name now that I had had my epiphany. I put it into the side of the TV where the little DVD player was located, and settled down into the chair next to him to watch the movie.

         I was right in choosing that movie; it definitely got my mind off John and the whole issue over the phone. By the end of it, Jacob was half asleep in the chair, his head lolled to the side and his eyes half closed.

         “Jake?” He opened his eyes all the way, looking at me with a curious look in his eyes.

         “Why’d you call me that? Everybody here calls me Jacob…” He said sleepily, rubbing his eyes, and I faltered for a second. Why had I called him that? It wasn’t something I’d heard someone else call him, because, like he’d said, nobody else called him that on campus.

         “I don’t know, it’s just the first thing I thought of,” I said, slightly embarrassed. “Sorry, I won’t call you that anymore.” He was sitting up now, more awake, and he was watching me intently.

         “No, no, I like it… you can call me Jake,” he said with a half smile that was so infectious, I was smiling within seconds. The clock only read ten o’clock… I definitely wasn’t ready to go to bed yet.

         “So what do you want to do now? I can’t go to sleep yet- it’s too early and I’ll just end up laying up half the night, staring at the ceiling,” I said, glancing at the clock again. It still only said ten… ugh.

         “Hmmm, well… I don’t know. What should we do?” We both fell silent, thinking for a minute, and then Jacob’s eyes lit up. “You seem to have a lot of pictures of him… did you want to get rid of them?” I looked at him for a second, deciding whether or not I wanted to know where he was going with this train of thought, and then I decided ‘What the hell.’

         “Yeah, actually I was going to do that tomorrow morning. Have you got an idea about how I should get rid of them?” Jacob’s eyes were shining now; he looked excited.

         “I do. Let’s get them all together, and then I’ll show you,” he said. Together we got all the pictures down, cutting up the ones that had him in them with other people. Jacob grabbed my trashcan, taking out the bag of trash and dumping all the pictures into it. “Okay, follow me.” He grabbed his sweatshirt he’d brought and I followed him to the end of the hallway and through an unmarked door. We went up a few sets of stairs, and then we came out… on the roof?

         “Are we on the roof of our dorm? I didn’t know we could get up here!” It was very pretty up here- the stars were really bright above our heads, and the roof was a flat expanse with a two or three foot high brick wall all the way around the perimeter of the building. Jacob just smiled and pulled out a box of matches, setting down the trashcan full of pictures.

         “Would you like to do the honors?” He held the box of matches out to me and I realized what he wanted me to do. I smiled and took the matches. “I have four or five more boxes in my room, so feel free to light a match and then just throw the whole box in there,” he said as he handed them over to me.

         It felt wonderful, lighting the match and throwing it into the trashcan, then watching all those pictures go up in flames- it was liberating. As we watched the flames dance inside the small metal trashcan, I shivered a little- it was late in October, and the air was starting to get very chilly in the evenings. Jacob noticed me shiver and quickly took off his sweatshirt, handing it over to me and putting an arm around my shoulders to keep me warm. I smiled softly, thinking that I had just found a best friend.

         The next morning I woke up to pounding on my door. I looked over at Amanda, and she was still fast asleep, her iPod on, as she slept off all the alcohol she had presumably consumed last night. I rolled out of bed and stumbled over to the door, only to be bombarded by Katie and Jaime talking a hundred miles an hour in my face.

         “What happened last night?”

         “How did you and Jacob enjoy staying home together?”

         “Did you two do anything fun?” They were both asking a million questions at once.

         “Hey, hey, hey, take it easy! You just woke me up like a minute ago… I’m not even thinking straight yet,” I said, laughing a little at their eagerness. They both smiled at my laughter and I realized that last time they’d seen me, I had makeup running down my face and I was a complete mess. I laughed again as I thought about what I mess I must’ve looked like, and Katie gave me a curious look as they both followed me into my room. I pointed to Amanda and they both nodded in unison, so after I grabbed a bowl of cereal we headed over to the floor lounge and talked there. I told them it was no big deal, that we watched a movie and then headed up to the roof to burn all my pictures. I told them how good he’d been about listening to me as I talked about this and that up on the roof, and how we’d stayed up there for a long time.

         “So nothing happened?” Jaime asked, obviously disappointed. I shook my head, laughing a little at her facial expression.

         “No, it’s not like that. We’re friends- he was great last night,” I said, smiling as I thought back to how funny he’d been, making me laugh until I cried as we talked about my life back home and his life, which was so different than mine.

         Eventually Katie and Jaime resorted to talking about their night, which sounded very crazy. They lost track of Josh halfway through the night and never found him again… they had been dancing with their boys all night, of course, but they said that Andrew and Adam had both found people to dance with. There had been alcohol and a lot of other things, and they talked about all the couples they’d seen and this and that, and then we decided that it was time to go wake up the guys, see if Josh ever came back, and go to get some breakfast. We went back up to my room and I grabbed Jacob’s sweatshirt, which I had accidentally kept on last night, and I banged on his door. We waited outside for a minute or two and then I heard the bed creak and Jacob opened the door a crack, squinting in the harsh, hallway lighting.

         “What do you- oh, hey Emma,” he said, opening the door up the rest of the way. He didn’t have a shirt on, and I caught myself staring for just a second at his solid abs and chest muscles… no. He’s just a friend, I repeated in my head. I don’t want a relationship right now, so he’s just a friend.

         “Hey, Jake, time to wake up. Is Josh in there?” I forced my eyes up to his face, keeping them there so that I didn’t stare.

         “Yeah, we couldn’t find him last night when we left the party at 2ish… just want to make sure he’s alive,” Katie said, leaning over my shoulder as she spoke.

         “Umm, yeah he came in a couple hours ago,” he said, rubbing his face with his hands as he tried, like me, to think clearly as he was bombarded with questions. “You girls going to breakfast?”

         “Yep, and I just texted Andrew, Adam, and Sean, and they’re going to meet us in the dining hall,” Jaime said. “So get dressed and lets head over to the dining hall… let us in and we’ll wake Josh up. He had class this morning, didn’t he?” Jacob shrugged.

         “I wasn’t awake… maybe he went and came back? I’m not his mom, so I’ve got no idea… he was supposed to be in class at 9, so who knows,” Jake said with a shrug, and we pushed our way in the room. Katie and Jaime both went over to Josh’s bed, pushing him and waking him up, but I just leaned on the wall near the door, watching Jacob out of the corner of my eye as he got dressed.

         “Alright, alright, I’m UP!” Josh was throwing a temper tantrum on the bed as Katie and Jaime poked and prodded him. They both backed off instantly, and Josh glowered at them rudely. “Why do you two have to be so pushy? I was trying to get a little more sleep before we all went to breakfast.” He swung down out of his bed, and surprisingly he was already dressed. “I did have class this morning… so I went and then came back here to get a few more hours of sleep, since I didn’t really get much last night.”

         We all headed over to the dining hall, and then spent the rest of the day hanging out in our dorm lounge.

         “Okay, so are you coming out with us tonight? In my opinion, you’re officially over that other boy,” Jaime said, her eyes twinkling as she tried to avoid the subject of John and not laugh. I smiled a little, my eyes on my hands in my lap.

         “Yeah, I think I’ll go with you tonight,” I said, still not making eye contact with any of them.

         “I’m always up for staying home if you change your mind,” Jacob said and I had to make eye contact then. He was smiling knowingly in my direction and I smiled back.

         “Thanks, Jake, but I’d like to go out tonight and get my mind off it- I’m sure it’ll help with the whole getting-over-him thing.” He nodded and conversation picked back up where it had left off.

         At around nine, we all decided to go get changed and get going soon. My room was the closest, so we ended up in there. Amanda was in there, but she was leaving as we got in, so I said hello and goodbye and then we had the room to ourselves. Katie and Jaime instantly started going through my closet pulling out dresses and shirts and comparing everything. Finally they picked out an outfit- it was a black strapless dress that had some frilly bunched material around the edge on one side… kind of edgy for just a party.

         “Is that for me to wear tonight? Isn’t it a little dressy for New Zoo?” They shared a ‘look’ and then looked back at me.

         “We’ll both wear nicer dresses, too, but you need some attention and this will get it for you,” Katie said with a smirk. “We’re going to curl your hair, too- you’re gonna look super cute.”

         They fussed and fussed over me, doing my hair again and again until they were both satisfied, and then we headed over to Katie’s room, which was on the floor below us. On the way down, Josh was coming up the stairs and he stopped, looking at me like I was crazy.

         “Are you going to the prom tonight or something? Why are you so dressed up?” He looked confused as he took in my dress and curly hair versus Katie and Jaime, who were both wearing t-shirts and sweatpants. I laughed, and Katie intervened.

         “We’re ALL dressing up because we want to look good tonight- Katie and I just haven’t changed yet. Trust me, you’ll have that look once we all change,” she said, tapping the underside of Josh’s chin as we continued down the hallway to Katie’s room. Jaime and I pulled out all her dresses and decided that she was going to wear a bright yellow dress that had layer upon layer of yellow lace with black straps and layer of black lace at the very end. We put her hair up in a messy bun that was way high up on her head. Then we headed over to Jaime’s room and found her a dress that looked great on her. It was a cobalt blue dress with an empire waistline and a white ribbon with a bow right in front. We straightened her short hair and found a white head band with a bow on it that matched her dress.

         Once we were all dressed it was close to ten o’clock, and we went wandering back up to my room, looking for the rest of our group. We eventually found all the guys in Jacob’s room, and they all looked dressed and ready to go. We headed off campus and across the street, into the downtown city area, and as we got closer to the buildings, I could hear a loud bass from the speakers that were outside. We got inside and everybody seemed to be dancing, the whole crowd swaying to the music. We moved into the crowd, getting closer to the speakers in one of the rooms, and then we all started dancing. The guys went and found some drinks, but I decided that drinking wasn’t a good idea- the party was crowded and I didn’t want to lose control or do anything I’d regret.

         We had a good time, laughing and dancing to the music, and around three we decided it was time to head back. I had seen Amanda at the party and she hadn’t looked like she was leaving anytime soon, so I figured I’d have the room to myself for a little while. I stumbled into the room as I tripped over my heels and quickly changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt, logging onto my computer and plopping down into my bed. Eventually I fell asleep with ear bud in my ears and I slept deeply, not hearing Amanda come stumbling in at five or any of the noises in the dorm rooms around us.

         Over the next few weeks, as it got colder and the leaves started to fall, Jacob and I were practically inseparable. He would walk me to class, or I would walk him, and we could almost always be found in one of our rooms, hanging out and doing homework together, or just talking and watching TV. We weren’t dating or anything- I didn’t think of him that way. To me, we were just best friends, but after an incident one evening, I wasn’t so sure.

         We were in Jacob’s room, watching a movie. He was lying in bed, his head on the pillow, and I was leaning over him on some pillows behind him. It started with just his fingers rubbing small circles, which felt good. I didn’t think anything of it until he shifted on the bed, sitting up a little more and then he put his hand on my leg, which was an instant red flag for me. I glanced at him, but he was intently watching the movie, which made me think he was making moving without realizing it. I tried moving crossing my legs, and he did pick his hand up, but he just put it right back on my leg once I’d stopped moving it. I sighed, not really sure what to do, and I’d decided to just go back to the movie and pretend like nothing was wrong- he’d realize where his hand was eventually and move it.

         That didn’t happen; actually, it got worse. I think at some point he did realize where his hand was, but he took my acceptance of it as a good sign, and he got closer. He sat up behind me and brought one leg to my side so that I was leaning on his knee instead of the pillows. I leaned forward, not wanting to be in that position, and then he started rubbing circles on my back with his fingers, giving me goosebumps.

         The sexual tension had definitely been building between us in the past few weeks, but I wasn’t ready to let go of our friendship yet.          The movie was almost over, so I just fidgeted a lot until it ended, and then I quickly excused myself, saying I was tired and ready to go to bed. I walked quickly down the hallway toward my dorm room, but instead of opening my door, I continued down the hallway. I took the steps two at a time and I was standing in Katie doorway less than thirty seconds after I’d left Jacob’s room. I knocked, fully expecting her to not be in, but surprisingly she opened the door.

         “I need help, Katie! I don’t know what I’m going to do,” I said as I stepped into her room, and then I explained the whole evening to her. I told her how Jacob had slowly and almost subconsciously shifted closer and closer, until he was too close for comfort.

         Once I’d told her the whole story, she sat back on her bed, a contemplative look on her face. She pulled out her phone, texting someone as she thought, and I stayed quiet, letting her think as I thought back through the night once again, trying to figure out when Jacob had decided it was okay to make a move on me. He hadn’t, really, but at some point I must have done something or said something that made him think about making a move. In the end, I decided that it must have been something I said out of innocence that he had taken the wrong way. I shook my head, thoroughly put off by the whole situation, and then there was a knock on Katie’s door.

         “Come on in, Jaime,” Katie said, and Jaime pushed the door open, coming in and plopping down in Katie’s chair.