Please Stay

I release the cloud of smoke watching it twist and curl upwards. Laying on my back watching as I let go of each poisoning lungful of smoke which floats away disappearing and melding into the sky. If only I could release the rest of the things that poison my body as I do with the smoke, maybe things would be easy. I can briefly trick myself into thinking with each exhale I rid myself all the horrors I’ve seen and all the sadness tearing at my spirit.
“Smoking is bad for you” I hear his voice approach but I could never catch the sound of his footsteps; much too silent.
He had always been light on his feet; agile. A sad smile touches my face.
“Says you” I reply as I pull out the cigarette I’m sure he’ll want to pinch from me.
He chuckles lightly and I feel the grass stir slightly beside me as he lies down.
“Got a light?” he asks and I feel around in my jacket looking for my lighter still refusing to open my eyes.
Maybe if my eyes stay closed I can forget the world and just stay with Dante a little longer.

“You’ve painted your fingernails again” he comments.
“The blue seemed too bright, too happy” I respond growing frustrated that I can’t find my lighter for him.
He seems to have no response and I find myself wishing he would say something more. I pause in my hunt for the lighter to exhale more smoke before slowly dragging in another toxic lungful. Maybe it could just burn away the hurt and memories.
“They’re going to be looking for you” he finally speaks but I don’t want to think about it.
“Let them look” I reply and he knows that the harsh tone of my voice isn’t directed at him.
His sigh melds with the breeze that brushes through the grass.
“Why do you do this? Why run?” he asks after another long moment.
“It’s too hard, I had to run. I knew you’d find me, I needed you” I say quietly, my lip trembling as tears threaten to make ugly streaks down my cheeks.
“It’s not too hard for the Cecilia I know” he tries to reassure, “You know I won’t always be here but you seem to need reminding of just how strong you are”
“Don’t,” I say taking a moment to force my tears back, “please don’t say that, you promised to always be with me.”
I take quick, uneven breaths trying to force more burning smoke into my lungs with each inhale. Let it just burn everything away. Let it spare me of this.
“Of course I’ll always be with you but I can’t always be here” he tries to reason softly.
“You don’t make any sense, Dante” I say forcing a smile as if it’ll stop the tears already welling in my eyes.
I won’t open my eyes. I can’t. This can’t be happening.
“Cecilia, I could never leave you but you know I’ll have to leave this life” his voice is closer, softer.
Tears escape from beneath my closed eyelids as my hands fumble around again for that lighter as if offering him a lit cigarette could change the truth. His touch is almost nonexistent as he brushes aside one of my tears. I lean towards it as if to feel more of his large, sure hands which had so often brushed through my hair as I cried into his chest or even in more recent months held my frail hand within it but he’s already drawn it back. Empty air greets my seeking cheek.  This can’t be. He’d always softly stroked my cheek to clear away tears. More tears follow after the first solitary one which he’d wiped away but they instead make the whole trip down my face.
“You don’t have to leave, we could stay together here, forever” I say my voice thick with emotions and my throat constricting slightly.
“Don’t cry; you can’t stay here, the rest of the world needs to see what an amazing girl you are” he sounds so sure, so completely calm about it but I know he hates to leave me, he’d told me dozens of times before.
If he hates it that badly, why is he?
“Please stay” I beg, a sob threatening to rise.
“I’ll always be with you.”
The whisper of his touch brushes aside the more frequent tears and my hand fumbles faster for that lighter. It must be there. My cancer stick stays dangling in my other hand, forgotten. Finally my fingers close around the elusive lighter and in that moment I feel his soft lips press against me in a soft, sweet kiss. My heart misses a beat and my eyes fly open. I’m met with the empty blue sky and the soft tingling sensation on my lips. I sob softly as I realise the truth.

“Honey, the funeral is over” my mother’s voice calls from nearby and I bite my lip trying to will back the tears that seem endless, “let’s go home.”
I can’t. I can’t leave him even if he has left me. My hand reaches beside me and I grab the rose I had been going to place on the coffin before it had become too much and I had bolted. I stand up dropping my cigarette and stomping it out.
“I’ll be at the car soon” I call back to my mother still unable to stop the tears.

I make the heart wrenching journey to the still open grave. His coffin lays in the hard ground containing the body of the best person to ever walk this earth but I know the true essence of him is not within it.
“I miss you already” I whisper dropping my lighter in as I twirl the rose in my fingers.
“You said you’d always be with me but all I feel is lonely” I admit staring down at the coffin as I drop in the unlit cigarette I had grabbed from the carton for him while laying down.
He’d been too young. It was so wrong for him to leave like this. Suddenly as a breeze stirs across the silent cemetery I feel as if I am wrapped in his strong arms again.
“I am always with you” his voice whispers over the wind and he sounds so sure of it.
“I love you” I whisper as I drop in the rose.
Tears cascade down my cheeks as I turn and head towards the car. The familiar feeling of being wrapped in his arms stays with me the whole way.