Waiting for the First Light

Waiting for the First Light





d r e a m s
In my dreams, nothing is real. I don’t even attempt to make it real. I do my best to keep them apart, real life and my nightmares, to separate the two, but there is that one time when I will wake up crying and they will linger in my heart for days, even weeks. I dream about being kissed by beautiful men, I have nightmares about being burned alive. I fall in both my dreams and nightmares, I see beauty in both as well. Random neurons firing, as many psychological theories suggest? Or truly the fears and desires, the epitome of a girl with dream for the future?

a n g e r
I seem to get angry quicker with my family more than anyone else. I’m not sure why this is, but I do wonder, why has God put us random human beings together to make a family? We truly are just humans, why does being a family change that? Why does being a family change privacy expectations and allowances, why does it change acceptable mannerisms, why does it change anything? And so many times, why does it not? Why does so many times, being someone’s flesh and blood drive the person further away than it does bring them closer together..?

l o v e
I love so deeply. It is all or nothing with me. I either love you with everything I have or I only love you as Christ commanded, no more. It is so hard for there to be an in between with me. I have learned already how to give someone all of myself without even touching them. I have learned what is it to love, to give everything, but expect nothing back. I have learned how selfish love can be, I have learned how beautiful love can be. I have learned the deep ugliness love can hold, I have learned how it can make everything you see sparkle. I have learned what it is to lose love. And yet I have not yet learned not to love with everything I have. I’m not sure I will ever learn.

p a i n
I am so scared of expected pain, emotional or physical. You tell me you have something to tell me, and I assume the worst. I get incredibly sick when I know something is coming. You tell me you’re going to stick a needle in me, and I’m ready to pass out. I’m not sure why, not sure where this started. I do remember it’s been this way since I was little.


l a s t l i g h t, f i r s t l i g h t
I cannot say which is more beautiful to me, the last light at the end of the day or the first light the next morning. Sometimes I wonder if the light the next morning truly will come, or if God will take us up right then. Sometimes, I think of the rapture just to think of it. It says in the Bible that when no one is expecting it, it will come. I’ve always taken that literally, and playfully think of it sometimes, just to make sure it doesn’t come, and then laugh at myself, because I know what I think will not change the Lord’s timing. I do not often pay attention to the sunset, I think that’s because I’m waiting for someone to see it with me. Seeing something beautiful by myself makes my heart ache.

m y b e s t f r i e n d ' s e y e s
There are a million things in my best friend’s eyes. Often, I can read them like I read a book. Only this is a book like Ella Enchanted’s, containing something new every time you open it. Sometimes, I don’t read the words off the page, and interpret them wrong. Sometimes, the words do not exist in the front of the book, you have to turn a hundred pages before you see them. And sometimes, I read them from memorization, emotional, not rote.

m y h e a r t ' s d e s i r e s
My heart desires to be seen. It desires love, to be as beautiful as the songs I listen to. My heart desires to be loved as passionately as I am capable of loving others. My heart desires to be pursued. My heart desires to dance and look lovely doing it, not clumsy or awkward. My heart desires to write itself onto a piece of paper so that everyone can see plainly what is in it. My heart desires to cry with joy and sadness and every emotion. My heart desires depth and meaning.
My heart desires to be touched.