Gravity

Tears poured steadily from my eyes, hit my bare legs, and rolled onto the carpet, making dark splotches like raindrops kissing the pavement.  I clutched my phone tightly in my hand, until I felt like the plastic would shatter under my vice-like grip.  I couldn’t have heard it correctly.  It just couldn’t be.  My mind tried, to no avail, to process the information.

“You can’t really mean that…”  Silence on the other end.  Silence, then words from a deep voice.

“You know I’m not one to say things that I don’t mean.”  He was right.  He wasn’t.  But that didn’t matter to me. 

“But… But you just can’ t mean it.  What about everything you said?  What about everything I told you?  YOU PROMISED ME!”

“You knew this would eventually happen.  We talked about this possibility.  You said you were okay with it.”

Of course I said I’d be all right with it.  When we had the discussion, I would have done anything for him.  I would have sold my soul if that’s what it took to be with him.  Of course I jumped at the chance to be with him again after he and his girlfriend split.  I didn’t care that he was still going to try to reconcile things with her.  The possibility of things working out with his ex-girlfriend didn’t matter to me.  The fact that he could leave me at any moment for her wasn’t even something that was in the back of my mind.  All I knew was that he had never forgotten me.  That’s all that I cared about.

In my mind, his ex didn’t pose any sort of threat to me.  Once he was with me, he would remember how happy we were together, and everything would be perfect.  Everything would click, just the way it always had.

“What did she say?  What did she tell you that sent you running back to her?”

“She transferred colleges.  She said she thought it over, and I was what she wanted.  So, she decided to come down here and go to school with me to make things easier for the two of us.  If that’s what I wanted, at least.”

“And that’s what you want?” I asked in a halting voice.

A pause.  An exhale.  “Yes, that is what I want.  She is who I want.”

“What about us?  You just conveniently forgot all the promises that you made me?  That nothing would ever change what we had,  that you’d still be my best friend?  What happened to, ‘No matter what happened between us, I always felt something for you, and I’m not willing to let it go,’”?  Was all that a lie?” I felt a strange mixture of anger, sadness, and disappointment.

“Of course it wasn’t.  You know I’d never lie to you.  When we got into this, we both knew that it’d be temporary.  I have feelings for you, there’s no doubt about it, but the fact is that I’m in love with Amanda.  I love her.  I can’t ignore that.  You’re a great girl, but I can’t do it anymore.  You’re just not her.”

A pain shot through me like nothing I’d ever felt in my entire life; I felt as if I were splitting in half.  I couldn’t catch my breath.  I felt a sob rising in my chest, but I suppressed it.  It wouldn’t help me any.  On the contrary, it’d probably make me look even worse than I already did.  In his eyes, I was a child, two years younger; I didn’t understand the way that relationships worked.  I whispered, “So, that’s it?”

“Yes, that’s it.  I’m sorry it had to end this way.  And I’m sorry I didn’t come and tell you all this in person.  I couldn’t bear to see you after I said what I needed to say.  I guess that makes me a coward.”

“No, I get it.  I have to go.  Goodbye,  Chris.”  I hung the phone up before he could say anything else to me.

You’re just not her.

That was all I needed to hear.  That was the benediction.  He didn’t really want me.  For the past two years, I had given him everything in me.  While he flocked from girl to girl looking for his next date, I waited patiently, knowing that sooner or later, he would have to come back to me.  None of them felt the way that I felt about him.  I could just tell.  I was where he felt safe.  He was where I felt safe.  It was something mutual between us.  It didn’t matter that he had broken my heart time and time again.  He always apologized, and he always came back.  Always.

He had never said those words before though.  The heartbreak was something that I knew how to deal with.  I would cry for a few days, get angry, and then realize that he meant everything to me; I would just go back to waiting for him like I had done time and time again.  What I couldn’t handle was the finality in his tone, the way he said that he loved her.  Even worse, the way he said that he was finished with me…

I set my phone on the floor next to me and laid down on the carpet.  I felt as if I had just run a marathon. Every ounce of energy I had was completely spent.  It always started this way, the mourning I always went through after ending a relationship with him.  I curled up in a ball and waited for it -- the overwhelming wave of grief that always came.  But it never did.  Instead, I felt something altogether more alarming. 

Emptiness.  Absolutely nothing, as if all of my insides had vaporized.  This distressed my already overwhelmed mind almost more than the situation itself.

I suppose the part of me that was still capable of rational thinking realized that I was dealing with something completely unfamiliar.  My usual way of coping wouldn’t help in this situation.  So I just laid there.  For hours, I replayed the conversation in my mind, trying to force myself to understand and cried silent tears.

*          *          *          *          *

Almost a week had passed, and I still was completely shattered.  I had trouble sleeping; I was barely eating.  I still was having trouble grasping the concept that it was all over.  I had to force myself to do simple, menial tasks.  It was a tedious way to live, but it was the best I could do in that moment.

One afternoon, I was able to gather enough strength to get online and answer the now numerous emails and notifications that I was sure I had.  If Chris was anything, he was prompt.  By now, everyone in the virtual world would know that I was out, and that Amanda was in.  I knew I couldn’t avoid seeing it forever.  I knew everyone would try to be consoling, but wouldn’t really say what they were all thinking. 

That in a way, I got what I was asking for.  I had been involved in this yoyo relationship with him since anyone could remember.  Even before romance was involved, we were on-again/off-again friends.  People had been trying to not only understand the attraction but tell me that it was all wrong for a long time.  I just ignored it.  I told them that I was happy with the decision, that I was content with the way things were.  I knew they wouldn’t understand just how intense it was.  It was stronger than physical attraction.  It was like we were two planets, and his gravitational pull was what kept me going…

I sat Indian-style on my bed with my laptop and started my browser.  I opened the same pages that I had used the last time I was online, one of them being an online radio.  I let it play (more as background noise than something to do actively) as I logged into my mail and began sifting through all the new messages in my inbox.

The lyrics of the song floated over me, but I caught a line that particularly struck me.  The powerful soprano voice sang, “One thing that I still know is you’re keeping me down.”  After hearing that, I stopped everything I was doing.

That’s what he was doing to me.  Keeping me down.  I couldn’t move on with my life until I severed all ties with him.  It was something that I had known all along.  I just couldn’t face the fact that  as long as his influence was still in my life, I would never truly be at peace with anything.  I couldn’t be happy until everything was completely cleared with him.

Filled with a new determination, I sat down at my desk, and began to write a letter.

As I put the words that I had always wanted to say to him subconsciously on paper, I felt a weight lifting off my chest.  It was one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do, but I knew that it was necessary.  After finishing the letter, I put it in an envelope and attached a few stamps.

“I’ll have to stop by the post office later on today,” I said to myself with a slight smile.

*          *          *          *          *

Dear Chris,

    I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’ve got it all figured out.  I’ve seen you for who you really are.  You might love me, but you obviously didn’t care enough about me to tell me how you really felt.  You spent the last three months telling me that I was your everything and that she didn’t matter to you anymore.  Then I find out that you’re going back to her?  I loved you with everything I had in me.  I still do.  You could have just told me…  I would have understood.  It would have been the hardest thing I’d ever done, but I would have been willing to let you go if it meant you being happy. 
    I’ve come to see that you and I just aren’t good for each other.  Even when we’re not fighting, I’m biding my time until you’re gone again.  It’s just not healthy.  I hate that it took me all this time to realize just how bad it was.  I could have saved myself a lot of tears and sleepless nights.  I’ve wasted two years of my life waiting on you to fully appreciate what I felt for you.  But no more.  I’m done with all of it.
    I guess I can’t really fault you for everything that’s happened.  I have to take some of the blame, too.  Besides, you can’t control what the heart feels, right?  In a twisted sort of way, I should be thanking you.  I’m a much better person for having gone through this.  I’ve learned to depend on myself, because in the end, that’s who knows what’s best for me. 
    I didn’t write this letter to tell you how much you hurt me or how angry I am at you.  I just wanted you to know that you didn’t break me.  You might have tried, but you didn’t.  I hope you and Amanda are happy together, because I know I finally am.

Love,                                           

Mina