World of Fantasy!

World of Fantasy!

Ye olde spoof of anime and fantasy goodness!

Birds chirped in the trees as a gentle breeze swept over the hills and through the apple orchards, past the simple farmhouses and along the winding river in a pristine fantasy world. A merry village hummed with activity next to the river, its simple but happy people enjoying their equally simple lives.

He didn't settle for that crap.

A lone swordsman, perhaps eighteen years of age, relaxed against a large tree at the top of a hill overlooking the village, his spiky black hair flaring up in a very unnatural way, with only the magic of anime physics to sustain the towering locks. He wore red armor that had seen many battles, with a silver sword sheathed in a cover on his back. His eyes were uncaring blue orbs under his spiky bangs, watching the village with contempt. His mouth curved in an equally contemptuous grin as he made a “humph” to himself.

“Dude! The village elder wants to see you,” a village boy suddenly said behind the lone anti-hero swordsman, making him jump. The boy wore a straw hat and a ragged vest over his shirt, damaged from a scuffle with a mad cow that had resisted his attempts of milking it.

“Don't call me Dude! You know I don't like that,” the lone swordsman snapped, getting up and stretching his heroic muscles.

“But Dude, the villager wants to see you!” the boy protested.

“Quit talking like a teenager. It's bad for you,” the swordsman retorted, but he knew that the kid had a point and he didn't like it.

“But... it's ye name! Dude!” the boy insisted, waving his arms really fast.

“Okay, okay! Just don't shout it! I hate my name,” Dude hushed the boy, painfully aware that his parents had been unable to come up with a good name for him so they chose the first outside word that they heard: a teenager had wandered by, saying, “Dude, totally!” to his friend. So, we get Dude. At least his name wasn't Dude, Totally.

Dude hurried down to the town and found the elder, who nodded his approval.

“What? Got some quest for me? I'm a loner,” Dude said with an attitude.

“You... I have seen the prophecies! You are the one to save us all from King Evil,” the elder said in his mystical tones, pointing.

“Me? Kill the evil king and make everyone happy? Find some other lame-o to do it. I think Rupert over there will.”

Dude pointed at the young but determined youth who could barely hold a sword the right way, but wanted to be the strongest warrior ever and survive by sheer guts. Kids were a dime a dozen, Dude knew. Dude, totally.

“Only you must! Coin and cleavage await you as rewards if you go,” the elder promised, knowing Dude's usual lever.

“Dude, totally!” he cried in glee, and then realized what he just said. “No, I...!”

“Travel past the Wicked Forest, past the Frozen Throne's lands, then past the Craggy Mountains to reach Castle Benevolent,” the elder instructed. “And pick up a better sword on the way there. You'll need a special one.”

“Why not this one? What other sword will I need?” Dude asked. “I want to use my sword! No other!”

“A busty and mysterious wise woman will tell you,” the elder promised.

Dude marched right past him. “Let's go find that new sword!”

With that, Dude set off on his quest, and five minutes into the Wicked Forest, Dude felt ready to explode.

“How many stereotypes have I seen so far?” he wailed, scaring off some crows. “Wise elder, evil king, mysterious super-weapon, evil forest, lone anti-hero!” Dude gritted his teeth. “I swear, if I see one more trope I'm going to --”

A chibi girl in pink robes and wizard had rushed past him, riding on a floating wizard staff like a broom, her eyes a-sparkle.

As soon as Dude recovered from the shock, he chased after the girl, realizing that he could use a little magical girl by his side. “Wait up! Where are you...?”

Dude nearly fell over as he beheld a gingerbread house in a clearing, covered in various candies. The little girl headed right for it, with a black-robed woman waiting by the door.

“Come and have some candy, little girl!” the woman cackled. “You know you want to!”

“Yaaaaaaaaaaay! I love candy!” the girl cheered, zooming up to the house. Realizing where this was headed, Dude rushed to the scene, kicking the old woman in the face and stopping the little girl.

“Heeeeyyyyyy! I want the candy! Let me past!” she cried, struggling. “Rrrrrrgghhh~!”

Then, the witch got up, preparing her evil magic. “Then I'll cook and eat you both!” she snarled, her powerful magic about to overwhelm Dude and the girl.

Then, Dude saw his chance. He pointed at the house. “Nice Nestle candy bars you've got,” he commented in a hurry as the little girl watched curiously. “And Hershey's? And Gum Drops? You're loaded, lady! Did you pay to use those brands?”

“I – no! Did I have to? Am I in trouble?” the witch asked in fear, hesitating. Then, the Copyright Guys showed up, dragging her off.

“I guess you didn't! Enjoy your lawsuit!” Dude called after her, then realized that the little girl was angry: he counted three vein marks!

“I'm a food mage. How dare you strike down a fellow food mage like  that?” she glowered, floating back on her giant staff which now floated vertically. She was small, but clung high up enough on the staff so she was at Dude's eye level

“Wait. You don't have to get angry!” Dude tried to calm her down, until the girl waved her staff and a giant mass of spaghetti noodles appeared above Dude and flattened to the ground under their bulk.

“I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!” he cried under the mass of pasta.

“Do you mean it? Will  you make it up to me? Will you promise to be my friend?” the girl asked testily.

Dude lost his patience. “No! Get me out from under here – ooof!” he snapped, before three giant meatballs appeared and crashed on top of the spaghetti noodles, crushing Dude further under the entree's weight.

“That's what you get!” the girl insisted.

“Help me!” Dude wailed into the woods. “Before she drowns me in spaghetti sauce! I just wanted to kill King Evil and –!”

“Kill King Evil? You're my friend!” they girl cheered, dispelling the spaghetti mass on Dude so he could get up. “I'm very sorry. King Evil made food mages a laughing stock and made it expensive to live our lifestyle, so I wander around doing food magic on my own! I'll help you all the way!”

“Great,” Dude said, approaching her. “So you're in my party?”

“Yeah! My name's Candie,” the girl saluted, her eyes sparking again. “I'll be your friend, Dude!”

“Arrrrgh! Not another one! Sparkly eyes!” Dude cried, covering his own eyes to hide the sight. Trope attack! “And how's you know my name?”

“You just look like the 'dude' type,” Candie said. “Let's go! My village is on the way to Castle Benevolent.”

Within an hour, Dude and Candie arrived at a town that smelled very much like food, and he was thoroughly tired of Candie bugging him on the way there. The new party member had better be good!

“He's my mentor and grandfather,” Candie told Dude as they entered the town square, where countless skillets, chopping boards, and woks were being used to prepare the best-smelling meals ever. Then, Candie asked a villager for her master.

“Oh, yes. He's the best cook around here. He taught little Candie here,” the woman nodded with a smile.

“What kind of food does he specialize in?” Dude ventured.

“Onion rings of the best kind,” the woman said dreamily. “He's the best chef of onion rings in the whole land, so we call him the Master of the Onion Rings. Or else the Lord of the Rings.”

“Right. Let's go meet him,” Dude said, feeling his stomach tighten. Such a blatant fantasy reference!

The town’s center skillet was sizzling and popping loudly as an elderly, barrel-chested wizard in gray robes dipped onion rings in the hot batter, producing finished onion rings with perfect crispiness and flavor. A master indeed!

“Candie! If it isn’t my granddaughter,” the large man greeted her, his mouth moving past his long gray beard. He wore a tall wizard hat like Candie’s, but it was gray. “What brings you?”

“I’m going to Castle Benevolent with Dude to slay King Evil!” Candie told him excitedly, her eyes sparking again. “A quest!”

“This little runt is your friends, huh?” the old man said with contempt, turning to look at Dude.

“What? Are you pickin’ a fight, oldie?” Dude snapped, drawing his sword.

“Don’t bother, kid,” the old man said dismissively. “You’re too weak to take me.”

Now it was Dude’s turn to get the vein marks. “I’ll hack you apart!” he roared, charging and swinging his sword. With a wave of his hand, the old man conjured a mass of hot fudge, trapping Dude up the waist in the thick brown ooze and stopping his attack cold.

“Granddaddy! Don’t hurt him!” Candie protested, getting between her grandfather and Dude. “He’s just a hotheaded protagonist. You’ve seen plenty of them before.”

“Watch it! Don’t stereotype me!” Dude argued. “I’ll get out of this fudge and prove myself! Coin and cleavage await me! Maybe I shouldn’t have said that…”

“Granddaddy, why don’t you join us?” Candie suggested. “As long as you play nice with Dude, okay? We can use your magic.”

The old man considered this. “All right, Candie. If it’s for you,” he agreed, dispelling the fudge with a wave of his hand. Apparently, he didn’t need the help of a staff to perform his food magic. “But you must promise to learn to cook better. It’s not enough to just conjure food. You must make it, too, to appreciate its qualities.”

Candie agreed, and Dude was about to lead the way when the old man called for another helper.

“Who now? And why aren’t you telling me your name?” Dude complained.

“My name is Radish McPickleplum,” the old man snapped. “And here she is! The strongest non-food fighter here. She’ll be a great asset to our ream.”

“Sir, do I really have to come along?” the teenage girl complained, and Dude jumped for joy when he saw a busty elf girl with a short skirt emerge from behind a house. “Yee-haw! I like this town!” he cheered.

“Shut up! I only fight for Mr. McPickleplum,” the girl glowered. “And stop staring at me!”

“But… micro-mini skirt…! Hot elf archer girl…!” Dude tried to explain, pointing at her. I love tropes!

“Watch it, or I’ll --” the girl started.

“What? Hit me with a giant mallet?” Dude joked, before the archer girl produced a vastly oversized wooden mallet and pounded him into the ground with it.

“Exactly! Now follow me and be quiet. I know the best route to Castle Benevolent,” the archer said, and Candie and Radish followed suit.

Dude caught up to her once they were outside the town and on the way to the castle. “But I know the best route,” he argued to the elf. “I lead the way!”

“And just what is the best route?” the elf girl demanded.

“Through the Wicked Forest, past the Frozen Throne, then over the Craggy Mountains,” Dude told her. “Guaranteed best route.”

“Fine,” the elf girl relented. “Lead the way.”

“Sure,” Dude announced, taking lead. He didn’t even ask the girl her name, because “Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet” was good enough name to call her by. So, he led the way to the Wicked Forest, home of bizarre abominations and Treefolk. At forest’s edge, they found one such Treefolk.

“Hey! Stop right there,” the Treefolk insisted, his face unmoving on his trunk, his beady black eyes watching them as his bark-lips moved. “Where you all going?”

“To Castle Benevolent,” Dude told him, going past the Treefolk. “See ya, bark-boy.”

“Wait! Come back!” the Treefolk cried, not even turning around.

“Huh?” Dude said in confusion, returning to stand before the Treefolk’s face, with Candie poking his trunk curiously with her staff.

“What’s it like at the Castle? Can I go too?” the Treefolk asked hopefully.

A second Treefolk right behind Dude spoke up. “Of course not. You’re a warden of the forest and must remain here,” it said.

The first Treefolk had a look of pure terror in his eyes as he cried out in alarm. “Aaaaaaaagh!  A talking tree!”

“But… you’re a Treefolk, too,” Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet reasoned with him.

“I… huh?” the Treefolk asked, confused.

“You’re just as much a talking tree as he is,” Dude explained, jabbing a thumb at the second Treefolk as the second Treefolk nodded.

“I… I am? A talking tree? Myself?” the Treefolk asked.

“Dude, totally,” Dude said before he realized his mistake and almost tore his too-spiky hair out.

“Are you not self-aware?” Radish asked incredulously.

“N… no! I had never thought I had a body,” the Treefolk said frankly. “I… am a talking tree, you say? I am physically here?”

“Yeah! I can hug your big tree body like this,” Candie said, hugging a section of the Treefolk’s wide trunk body.

“Amazing! I thought I was just a talking entity,” the Treefolk said excitedly. “I think, therefore I am. But a body too? I can’t believe it!”

“You can move, just so you know,” the second Treefolk said, twisting around like an exercise, waving his branch arms. “You have way too many bird nests on you anyway. Clean yourself up! Have some hygiene.”

The first Treefolk swung his arms all around, flexing his face. “I do! I have a body like everyone else!” he cried in glee, countless bird nests flying from his branches. “Oooh! Oooh! If I can move, can I go to Castle Benevolent with you guys? You’re my friends! I love you all!”

“But you’re… kind of rooted,” Dude said. “Right?”

“Oh... I guess I am kind of set in the ground,” the Treefolk realized, looking down at his trunk that settled into the dirt. “But I really want to explore the world with you all! Please?”

“Sure you can join us!” Candie invited him. “What's your name?”

“I'm Bobby,” the Treefolk said happily, creaking his arms with excitement. “I want to see the all the fantastic sights in the world and meet all kinds of new people! Oh, but if Only I could get out of the ground and move! How I yearn for the legs of a beast of the wings of a bird so I may wander about with good company! As a humble tree, I wish to become mobile with this body I recently became aware of and --”

Dude got fed up with Bobby's blabbering. “Oh, I'll get you out of here all right,” he said menacingly, approaching Bobby while tossing an ax up and down in his hand. “This won't hurt a bit – oooooof!”

“Don't hurt him, Dude!” Candie cried, conjuring long wands of licorice and tangling Dude, making him fall the ground in a tangle. “There's an easier way.”

With that, Radish carefully dug in a circle, getting Bobby's roots out of the ground without damaging them. With a ball of dirt to cling to for nourishment, Bobby was safely out of the ground as Candie placed the ball of dirt and roots in a bag and tied it off.

“Okay! I'm ready to go!” Bobby cheered, before lurching forward and falling over. “Crud. I don't have legs even though I'm free!”

“Here you go, sport,” Radish grumbled, fetching a wagon out of nowhere and placing Bobby in it. “Someone pull him.”

“You do it, Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet,” Dude said, pointing at her. She blinked.

“What did you call me?” she demanded.

“I called you Lovely-busty-elf-arch --”

“I know! But why that name?”

“Well, you won't tell me your real name, baby. Care to share it?”

“No!”

Dude pointed at the waiting Bobby. “Then be quiet and pull him along, Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet. We're waiting!”

With a grumble, Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet started pulling Bobby along as the group set off again, the Treefolk singing songs of adventure in his raspy, woody voice. The group approached the frozen tundra of the Frozen Kingdom, a sub-kingdom of the main kingdom where King Evil ruled.

“Ohhhhh, yes, the Lich King. These are his lands, you see,” the wizened crone at the front gates of a settlement wheezed.

“Will he let us past?” Dude asked.

“I don't know, sonny! The Lich King has ruled the Frozen Throne for centuries, bound to his throne. He won't take visitors lightly.”

“Is there anything else about him I should know?” Dude inquired.

“Well, he goes by many names. Folks around here often call him the Snow Man,” the crone rasped. “He's also quite an abomination, so sometimes we call him the Abominable Snow Man.”

“Right,” Dude said, cracking his knuckles. “I'll just call him Lich King. We're going to pay him a visit. Beat it, crone.”

Dude led his group toward the castle of ice, kicking down the front door and stomping ahead. Then, Dude led everyone to the throne room, where the Lich King awaited. He was not on the Frozen Throne, however, but was kneeling beside it, his face held right in front of the metal chair's side.

“Hey! Are you okay, Abominable Snow Man?” Candie cried out of concern, zooming up to him on her floating staff.

“Lith Keek!” the Lich King corrected her in a thick voice, turning his head just a little to face the guests. He wore a pointed, evil-looking crown on his head, his face hidden by darkness except for two glowing blue slits for eyes. His body was cased in rusty armor.

Dude also realized that his tongue was sticking out and stuck on the Throne.

“Aif sthuck on the thwone!” the Lich King cried. “Helth me!”

Dude and the others pressed close, and Candie came to the Lich King's rescue: she conjured a mug of steaming hot chocolate with marshmallows, pouring the hot liquid on the King's tongue and the metal it touched. Warmed, the Lich King got his tongue off at last and back in his mouth, and he stood to his full height, stretching his back.

“Thank goodness you all came! I was in a terrible fix,” Lich King thanked then, drinking the last of the hot chocolate in the mug.

“So you were literally bound to the Frozen Throne?” Dude asked, folding his arms and giving Lich King a funny look, being all haughty. “'Cause you got your tongue stuck on there like a kid?”

“Don't say that! I'm grown-up!” the Lich King wailed, covering his face with his hands before lowering them. “Actually, a few centuries back my friend and I came in here and no one ruled at the time. He dared me to lick the Throne.”

“And... you did it?” Bobby asked from his wagon as Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet panted from the effort of pulling him. “Think of the adventures you could have had if you said no and didn't get stuck!”

“I fought back, I did,” Lich King said defensively. “I double-dog dared my friend to lick the Throne instead. Then, he triple-dog dared me to lick it. Well, I don't know anything bigger than triple, so I had to do it.”

“Here I thought I'd recruit you to help me defeat King Evil, but now I find out you're a big sucker,” Dude taunted Lich King before being crushed under Candie's punishing pot roast.

“Don't be mean! We'll bring him along. He just wants to make new friends and explore like the rest of us,” she scolded him, vein marks in full blast as Bobby creakily nodded agreement to her words. “Let him come with us!”

“Please, Dude. I have a dream to pursue, too,” Lich King reasoned with the Dude trapped under the pot roast. “I... I want to be a master baker, world class. I've always had a passion for pastries! I can achieve this if I defeat King Evil and explore with you.”

“Fine, fine,” Dude grumbled, just to get the pot roast off him. “Welcome to the team.” Seriously. Everyone who talks to me sounds like a teenager. Having this name is funnier than I thought!

After wandering all day with his expanded party, Dude brought his party to a halt, setting up a campfire while the evening wore on. He relaxed against a tree in his haughty loneliness, watching as Bobby and Candie sang travelers' tunes together, swaying back and forth in unison to the music. He sighed in fatigue before Lich King came up from behind him and asked, “Hey, Dude. Would you like to feel my buns?”

“What the hell!” Dude yelped, whipping around. “Did you just...?”

“Oh! I-I'm sorry,” Lich King apologized meekly, holding out a baking pan with some fresh-baked honey buns on it. “I misspoke. Radish helped me bake these honey buns, see?”

“Uh-huh. And how does that relate to feeling anything?” Dude asked testily.

“I think the texture on these honey buns are perfect. Just the right firmness, with crunchy baked-on sugar sauce and everything. I wanted you to touch the honey buns and see if you agreed.”

“I get it,” Dude said, still laughing on the inside. Bobby's and Candie's singing was still too loud. “Well, when you said 'feel my buns', I assumed you meant the other kind of buns.”

“Oh. That kind,” Lich King realized.

“Yeah,” Dude nodded.

“Cinnamon buns?”

Dude fell over in exasperation. “No! Just... ask someone else to feel your buns, okay?” Dude demanded, wanting to be left alone by this icy baking fool. “Like  Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet. She'll feel your buns all night.”

Lich King's eyes lit up, so to speak. “You're right! I'll go ask her right now,” he said, and headed over to her area of the camp.

Heh heh. Sucker, Dude thought, as Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet sternly turned down Lich King's offer to feel his buns.

The next morning, Dude and his party made quick progress to the Craggy Mountains, but Dude had to halt on the rocky mountain road when a voice in his head said, Inv.

“Huh? Who said that?” Dude demanded into thin air.

“To whom do you speak, Dude?” Radish asked, frowning his bushy eyebrows under his wizard hat.

The voice spoke up again: Inv. It sounded like a female voice, and a rough one.

“I bet it's ghosts or spirits. Get ready,” Dude told the others, drawing his sword and holding it tight in the ready.  Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet prepared her bow and Candie and Radish prepared their food magic and Bobby covered his face with his hands for protection, and then a big blue pixelated dragon appeared right before the party, landing on the ground with a thud.

Invite meh to ur party or not! Ur takign 2 long! The blue dragon's voice demanded in Dude's head. He lowered his sword.

“Hey. Are you the one talking to me?” he asked as everyone else lowered their weapons. “And what's with your accent?”

The blue dragon huffed particle-effects smoke from her nostrils. Inv!

“Okay! I invite you to join my party,” Dude cried in impatience, and the phrase “Xx_s4ph1r3_xX has joined your party!” appeared over the dragon's head in white letters. Did it mean “Sapphire?” Dude wondered.

As u can c, my scr33n name's Xx_s4ph1r43_xX, the blue dragon told everyone in their minds. I'm level 70 and hav uber hax so u n00bs can rel4x. Ill fight w/ u.

“Where did you come from, Xx_s4ph1r3_xX?” Dude asked her. Did I pronounce that correctly?

It dun matt3r,  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX huffed again. I'm too 1337 for u all hahaha. Follow meh. Ur going 2 kill Kign Evil rite?

“Yeah, that's the idea,” Dude answered. “So you know the way to Castle Benevolent?”

Yea I kno how to get thar from h3r3, Xx_s4ph1r3_xX said, walking off further down the mountain road. Dude and the others hurried along behind her until a trio of goblins barred their path, cackling in glee.

Wtf these nubs again?  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX complained.

“Heeeeey, travelers! Give us all your loot unless you wanna die!” the first goblin threatened, waving a rusty short sword around.

“Yeah! You want to make this quick and easy for all of us,” the second one agreed with an evil goblin grin.

“Yee-hee-hee-hee!” the third one cackled.

“Shut up, you cackling idiot!” the first goblin snapped, hitting the third goblin on the head with his fist.

Dude realized that this would be a huge pain in the butt, as Lich King tried to bargain his way past the goblins and they refused. They wanted violence!

“Hey, guys,” Dude offered, walking up to the goblins. “Do you want to catch a rare, neat beast you can sell for tons of gold?”

“Oooh! Oooh! What is it?” the first goblin said excitedly.

Dude pointed down a side path in the mountains. “A rare beast called the fire-breathing jackalope lives around here,” he said in mysterious tones. “It's like a jackrabbit but has antelope horns! It's rare around here but you can find one if you try hard enough.”

“Let's go get it!” the first goblin cried, leading the other two down the side path. “Fire-breathing jackalope! Come on out!”

“There's no such thing, is there?” Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet demanded of Dude as the party advanced unimpeded toward Castle Benevolent.

“Nope! I just said that to get rid of them and --” Dude started to answer before the goblins came right back, standing right before Dude. The lead goblin held up a jackrabbit with antelope antlers on its head.

“We found the jackalope! Now we'll be rich!” the goblin cheered.

“No way! That thing isn't supposed to be real!” Dude argued before the jackalope opened its mouth and breathed a wave of fire on his face.

Lol taht's epic w1n,  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX laughed.

“It breathes fire so well! Maybe we'll keep this as a pet for fighting!” the first goblin exclaimed.

“Yeah. We'll be invincible!” the second goblin said in glee.

“Yee-hee-hee-hee!”

“Shut up, you cackling idiot!” the first goblin punished the third.

“Whatever. Keep your jackalope. I'm going,” Dude bullied his way past the goblins, and they let his party go in their glee of capturing a fire-breathing jackalope. The party went on through the Craggy Mountains until they found a bridge leading to the grasslands  beyond where the Benevolent Castle was. Dude just started to cross the bridge when a giant, twenty-foot tall troll came out from under the bridge, blocking the way and holding a huge club.

“Random encounter!” Candie announced, and started singing battle music.

“Shut up and kill it!” Dude shouted, and  Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet fired her arrows but they did nothing against the beast's hide. Dude charged with his sword but the edge couldn't cut the troll's skin, and the troll knocked him back and flat on his back. Lich King and Bobby couldn't do anything anyway, so they hung back.

“Die, monster!” Radish shouted thunderously, conjuring a giant roast chicken at the troll. The poultry bashed the troll's head but didn't hurt it, neither did Candie's barrage of snow peas.

“Yaaaaaah!” Candie cried, her staff turning into a pitchfork-sized eating fork. She charged at the troll with the fork, but the tines didn't hurt it. The troll slapped her away, and Radish took charge again.

“This is how you do it, Candie,” he told her, as countless giant forks and knives poked out of his sleeves. He charged, only to be knocked out by the troll's fist.

Desperate, Xx_s4ph1r3_xX breathed fire on the troll, and the red number 3,776 appeared over the troll's head, along with the yellow words “Critical hit!”

“You got it!” Dude cried before the troll recovered and punched Xx_s4ph1r3_xX on the head, and she fell over. Dude tried to hit the troll again, but he was downed again, helpless as he lay on the bridge, the troll standing over him and about to crush him. Her critical hit didn't kill it? I gotta do something!

Dude! I h4ve someth1gn in my inventory to h3lp u, Xx_s4ph1r3_xX told him.

“What is it?”

Xx_s4ph1r3_xX tossed Dude a bottle of liquid just in time, since the troll was preparing its finishing blow. Breathing hard with a random trickle of blood coming out of his mouth, Dude turned the bottle to read the label. “Anime Juice. Use when about to be defeated. For protagonists only. Motivational music enhances effect.”

“Good enough by itself,” Dude decided, and chugged the whole bottle. At one, he felt super strength surging through his body, and a yellow aura of power flared up around him, rising out of him in waves. He could tell that his hair was taller and yellow, too. Determined, Dude got up and charged the troll, his head bowed. His super power seemed to slow down time, making it jittery and awkward.

Wtf n00b ur lagging the server,  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX complained, but Dude didn't care.

“Raaaaagh! Spiky anime hair of death!” he cried, and his too-long spiky hair impaled the troll's gut, killing it in one blow. As soon as it died, the phrase “1,000 XP” appeared over his head and the yellow aura lowered.

“That was amazing, Dude! Even stronger than Radish's and my food magic!” Candie cheered, zooming forward to hug Dude tightly.

“Hahaha. Let's go kill King Evil while I'm still on a roll!” Dude announced, setting off. Then,  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX had more wisdom to spare.

U'll need a stronger w34pon 2 kill the kign, she warned.

“Like what?” Dude demanded.

X-Caliber, the gun-sw0rd. It'll make u invincible!  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX told him. It's around h33r stuck in a rock.

Dude had everyone help him look for it in the forested hills around here until it was found. The sword X-caliber was a broadsword with a gun handle, but the sword was stuck halfway in a giant rock as  Xx_s4ph1r3_xX warned him. So, Dude had everyone watch as he gripped the handle and started to pull the gun-sword out. As he started to lift it out of the rock, a strong wind of power began gusting from the gun-sword, buffeting everyone.

“Kyaaaaa! Why is the wind lifting my skirt unnecessarily?” Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet cried, fighting to keep her skirt down against the wind as the gales tried to lift it.

“Because everyone loves a little ecchi,” Dude winked, and Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet was not happy. X-Caliber was freed, and Dude threw away his old sword and charged off to Castle Benevolent with everyone in tow. King Evil waited there, fiddling with his black curly mustache.

“So, you want to challenge me, is that it?” King Evil taunted Dude as the hero confronted him in the throne room of Castle Benevolent.

“I'll take you down, King Evil! I don't care how cheaply I do it!” Dude challenged him.

Dude. Wh00p his a$$ for meh k? Xx_s4ph1r3_xX asked, and Dude was more than happy to: he lunged and hit King Evil with his sword, stunning him. Dude raised X-Caliber and fired the gun barrel that ran along the blade's upper edge, the bullet defeating King Evil with a single loud blast. King Evil was toppled, helpless on the floor.

“Now that I've saved everyone, I'm a hero and must be loved!” Dude declared before  Lovely-busty-elf-archer-girl-with-a-giant-mallet had a sudden change of heart and began to make out with him furiously. And this was a bonus on top of the promised coin and cleavage later! No one would care if he didn't actually kill the King: he was apparently too wimpy to stage return to power anyway. Good enough!

“Rrrrrgh. I guess this it,” King Evil grumbled, crawling along on the floor. “I'm no more!”

Then, Lich king stepped up to King Evil. “Hey. Why don't you do something for me?” he asked, kneeling to talk to the King face-to-face.

“Okay. What is it?” King Evil asked, determined to matter somehow.

“Would you like to feel my buns?”