Faux Me

Word count: 1680


They say that Necessity is the Mother of Invention. Problem is, whatever I thought was necessary had already been invented. I’ve watched my dreams of wealth and greatness go ‘poof’ time and time again. At least I had the common sense to research whether or not my next great something that no one can live without hasn’t already been patented. I’d be pretty pissed if I had invested more than just couple of hours dreaming and doodling to later find a patent infringement notice in my mail.

After several attempts I decided to take a different approach. I said goodbye to pursuing wealth in the name of benefiting mankind with my genius. That wasn’t going to happen. So, I thought about my life and my challenges. It didn’t take long for me to come up with something that would buy me what I wanted most, time. Now, I’m not talking about quantum physics or time machines or any of that stuff the sci-fi writers rewrite over and over again. That’s movie magic. I’m in the real world with a real problem.

I have to work and I work in a small office of busy-bodies. People thrown together for eight hours a day, five days a week for years and years are bound to knit their lives. I really like my co-workers and admire how we all support one another in good times and bad. For better or worse. Through sickness and in health. Hell, it’s like being married in a Mormon society. Don’t get me wrong. I love a break now and then. A good joke or antidote that gets me chuckling for a few minutes is better than a cup of afternoon coffee.

The real problem is hearing it twelve times during the day with follow ups the rest of the week. And, I don’t care what level of multi-tasking power you claim to have, I doubt you can chit chat and be productive at the same time, especially when you’ve rolled your office chair out of you cubicle and into the corridor to chat with a neighbor.

I’ve learnt to cope as best as I can despite the animosity that was brewing within me. I came up with a plan. I adopted my own sanity saving schedule; nine to five with a half hour for lunch got me through the day nicely. When necessary during peak work months, coming in earlier was preferable than staying late. I’d get more done in the pre-work morning quiet then trying to ignore the ticking of my got to get home clock. It didn’t take me long to find out that I could accomplish my work relatively stress free if I focused on my priorities and I could even stretch my lunch period to an hour. You can do a lot of stuff in that time. Hey, isn’t that what lunch is for?

But I digress. The problem with all this is still time. As the chatterers wasted a good portion of the day on personal recounts their work was pilling up. They compensated by never taking lunch and working late. Day after day their inefficiency made me look bad. How ironic is that?

Now, there was no way I would go back to the old way of working. I found my key to happiness in the work place. (Did I mention the earplugs?) They knew it. I was not shy about telling them to tone it down because I couldn’t concentrate or hear a client on the phone. I’m sure I earned a few nick names at the expense of my work habits. Hey, I’ll admit there were times I didn’t even like me. Or I felt like I didn’t fit in or worse, the whiny complaining troublemaker of the office. My plan was beginning to backfire. There had to be another way.

Then I got my greatest idea. What if I could create a lifelike replica of myself to sit at my desk filling the time I wasn’t around? Hell, no one was talking to me anyway. I doubt anyone would notice the "faux me" was not breathing. And since the chatterers were busy catching up the chances of finding me out were slim to none. I had it all figured out. Before I’d slip out for lunch, I’d perch faux me in my seat with my “Do Not Disturb” sign up. That sign meant business and tread at your own risk. I’d put my office jacket on faux me, give it a document to read and turn it facing away from the door. Perfect.

There was only one person who could foil my plan, the office manager who had a habit of strolling through the office during lunch hour and stretching her neck into every office and cubicle. The accepted reason was because she wanted to know who was in to take calls. I didn’t buy it. We had a system with a pager. No answer to the page? Sure bet the person was away from his desk and put the call to voice mail. My gut told me this woman had an agenda. That didn’t matter. What mattered was that I knew her habits and she knew mine, and never mind she was the boss’ pet and a big chatterer too. Try telling her to take it to the water cooler. No thank you. I need my job.

So I decided to go ahead with my plan quoting the old adage, the bigger the risk the bigger the payoff. First I contacted Madame Tussauds in New York. Who better, right? After being transferred six times I finally reached the right representative. I explained what I wanted and she kindly asked who I was? I did say my name earlier. Perhaps I needed to explain my dilemma as well. There was a brief moment of silence, then raucous laughter promptly followed by a click. Oh well, a wax figure would have been too heavy and most likely stiff.

Finally, after much effort, I found a toy manufacturer who could create a life size me. All I needed to do was send my measurements, a couple head shots with varying angles and a generous hair sample. I was thrilled but wondered why they couldn’t match my hair from the picture? It was as if I insulted an artist. Ok, ok. I apologized and explained my needs. (Mental note: make a hair cutting appointment and then take the pictures). He thought my idea was brilliant and that he was working on a prototype voice response device that would be the perfect addition. All I had to do was program in some typical questions and record my voice response. It was sort of like those automated help systems we all love so much. The price was a bit on the high side but I saved a little opting out of the anatomically correctness of my faux me.

Six weeks later the huge box I was expecting finally arrived. I couldn’t wait to open it. Faux me was perfect. Actually, it was too perfect. Not one blemish and the manufacturer even took it upon himself to paint the nails black. Ok, a little warped humor, I could live with that. Faux me was very pose-able and the voice response device worked perfectly. It was already Thursday so there was no point in rushing my plan for just one day. Anyway, it gave me the whole weekend to plan my little ruse. I’d bring faux me in on Sunday night and hide it under my desk covered by a blanket. Judging by the accumulation of dust and those small round paper pieces from the hole puncher, I think the office was vacuumed once a year.

I was too excited and couldn’t sleep at all so I decided to run faux me to the office. I just couldn’t wait for until Monday to let the fun begin. I sat it in my chair and played around with different poses. It was unsettling observing myself from outside myself. Wow, I really was a whiny looking when I was in work mode. Even if the office manager got a little closer it would be hard to tell it wasn’t me. With a smirk, I tucked my double under the desk as planned.

I came to work Friday morning to an unusually quiet atmosphere. People were usually bubbly in anticipation of the weekend. I wondered, 'who died?' I sat at my desk with my coffee and checked for faux me with my foot. It was safe and sound and undetected. I was busy at work when the boss buzzed for me. That was never good but, I never expected what followed. I was being laid off and I had to get my stuff together and be out of the office in an hour. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. I asked 'why' of course and was given the “economic conditions” speech. My dedication and professionalism were appreciated and I was handed a small token for my years of indentured servitude. Well, I sort of expected it. These day’s companies set up their invisible guillotines and lop off staff quickly.

I really didn’t know what to do with faux me now. Once again my brilliance went “poof.’ But on the other hand, my problem was gone. I dragged my double out from under my desk which caught a lot of attention from my co-workers. I really didn’t owe them any explanations. And the truth is I didn’t want to leave them with the real reason for faux me. I almost felt sorry for them. You know, the ones left behind that have to pick up the slack. I can let go of faux me now and move on. So that’s what I did. I sat faux me in my chair and said my goodbye’s to the people that managed to knit their way into my life. Faux me may not be very productive but, I promise that little piece of creative genius is a damn good listener and will never complain.