Dick

“It’s because I’m a dick Davey.” That was the answer that my uncle Joseph gave me when I asked him why everybody called him Dick when his name was Joe. We were sitting right up at the front table there by the bar, that was his table, he said he could see the whole room from there and he always wanted to know what was happening around him. He liked to say “Don’t let life sneak up on ya Davey.” Smart fucking man. Anyways, back to what I was saying; “But uncle Joe,” I said smiling at him and giving him a pat on the arm, “I’ve never known you to be a dick.” Joe laughed and leaned forward with a look on his face as serious as the grave. “That’s because you’re family. I’m your uncle Joe, your dad’s big brother, of course you don’t think I’m a dick, I’ve never given you reason to. Plus, you love me so you aint gonna see me like that.” He leaned back in his chair and took a long drink of his beer. I leaned forward, “But doesn’t it bother you that people call you a dick all the time? I mean I’d probably be knocking some heads in, ya know?” Joe leaned forward and put his empty beer down on the table. He smiled at me and said, “That’s what I want them to think Davey.” It took a second for that to sink in, I couldn’t help but wonder why in the world would anybody want that? “It’s because I’m good at it, and I believe in going with what works.” Joe said. I scratched my head, I couldn’t understand why this didn’t bother him. I leaned in and said to him in a low voice; “But uncle Joe, everybody thinks you’re a dick.” Joe leaned back in his chair and lit a cigarette. “Exactly” he said and blew smoke at the table next to us.

“I realized I was a dick at a very young age.” Joe began, cigarette smoke billowing in front of his face, making it look like his chest was on fire. “None of the other kids really liked me and I was okay with that, as a matter of fact I liked it, I’ve always considered myself pretty good company.” He raised his hand at the waitress and pointed at his empty beer, she nodded and went to the bar. “I got them trained here, I raise my hand and get what I want, life should always be like that.” The waitress came by with the beer and took the empty, Joe blew smoke at her and continued his story. “See Davey, everybody gets some special gift in life. Some people are smart, some are great athletes, some can play the shit out of a musical instrument, I had none of those talents.” Joe took a long drink from his beer and let out a huge belch, a woman at the table next to us gasped. “Yeah like you never do it sweetheart.” He looked at me and shook his head. “No, I had none of those talents, but what I could do is piss people off. Yeah, adults, other kids, it didn’t matter I could piss anybody off, it just came natural to me and I realized that this was my gift so I ran with it.” He looked at me and shrugged letting out a short laugh. “My mother, your grandma, God rest her soul, even said that I could piss off the pope.” He took another drink, looking away dreamily, “Imagine me, your uncle Joe, pissing off the pope... what a fucking honor that would be huh?” I could only shake my head.

Joe then leaned forward and absently flicked the ashes from his cigarette missing the ashtray by a good foot. Just then Jimmy Muffins walked through the restaurant, ya know the guy that owns the bakery on fourth? Yeah, yeah Muffins. Anyways, Muffins comes in, Joe looks at him and says,”Hey Muffins, how they hanging?” Jimmy looks over and shakes his head, “How ya doin’ Dick, hey Davey, long time.” I stood up and shook his hand, “Yeah good to see ya Jimmy.” Joe blows smoke at him and Muffins waves his hands trying to get the smoke out of his face. “Ya burned my bagels last time I was in your shop Muffins, ya ought to be more careful, lose business that way.” Jimmy looks at Joe like he wants to strangle him, “Yeah I’ll look into it.” Jimmy looks back at me,” Good to see ya Davey, I’d like to stay longer but I’m meetin’ some people here so I gotta go.” He looks at Joe like he’s thinking of shaking his hand, Joe blows more smoke at him and says, “Then go, we were in the middle of something anyways.” Jimmy stops for a moment and looks at Joe, shakes his head a little and then to my surprise he smiles, “See ya Dick.” Jimmy walks away and Joe looks at me smiling, “I’m telling ya Davey, it’s a fucking art form.”

“Ya gotta be careful though Davey, you can take being a dick too far and turn yourself into an asshole.” He looked at me and I shrugged, I’d always thought they were kinda the same thing, so I asked, “Is there a difference Joe?” Then Joe leans across the table with a serious look like Jesus himself had just walked in the room, “You calling me an asshole Davey?” I sat back and raised my hands, “No, no, no, uncle Joe. I just don’t know the difference.” Joe sits back and takes a drink of his beer, eyeing me like I’m gonna take something and run off. “Assholes hurt people Davey, they know what they’re doing is going to hurt someone and they do it anyway, it’s what gets them off.” He looked down and shook his head in disgust. “World’s full of assholes, we need more dicks to keep them in line.” I had no idea what he meant by that so I asked him, he looked up at the ceiling and laughed. “Assholes are afraid of truth, they hide from it like it was a disease. Now, a dick like me sees the truth and gets it out there no matter how shitty it is, assholes hate that. If there’s a fucking elephant in the room we point at it and ask; ‘What the fuck is an elephant doing here?’ An asshole would never mention the elephant, even if it just shit all over your carpet, ya know what I mean?” I nodded, I knew what he meant just fine. He takes a hit off of his cigarette and puts it out, immediately lighting another. “The truth needs to be known Davey, you can’t be afraid of it, because when you are, that’s when the assholes take over and fuck everything up. The truth is the only remedy for an asshole.” I nodded and took another drink of my beer, Joe finished his and as soon as he had set it down the waitress had collected the empty and given him a new beer and ashtray. He smiled, “I love this fucking place.”

“As I was saying” Joe continued lighting yet another cigarette with a smile. “A dick will tell you the truth, no matter how fucked up that truth may be.” He pointed to the corner where Muffins and a small group were eating. “You saw what I did with Muffins right?” I turned and looked at Muffins and nodded my head. “He didn’t like what I had to say, I mean you could see he wanted to strangle me.” I smiled and nodded, I thought Jimmy was gonna kill him. “But Jimmy is a good businessman, he runs a good shop. Those burnt bagels are eating at the back of his brain right now, he looks like he’s just having lunch, but a man like Jimmy always has his business on his mind, it’s what feeds his family and he’s proud of it, he never wants anyone to leave his place with a bad taste in his mouth.” From out of nowhere a plate of mozzarella sticks had appeared on the table, Joe took one and jammed it in his mouth and pushed the plate towards me, I took the hint and ate one, it was delicious. “Fucking good huh?” Joe said through a mouth full of food. I nodded and Joe smiled again. “Muffins is gonna leave here and go to the bakery, he’s gonna check the bagels and he’s gonna find some he doesn’t like the look of. Then he’s gonna toss the bagels and tear the guy who makes the bagels a new asshole. Tomorrow, Muffins will offer anyone who bought a bagel today, because he knows who did, a free bagel and guess who’s gonna be the first one in line” ,He pointed to himself and nodded, “the Dick who told about the problem in the first place. It’s a win, win situation.” Joe jammed another mozzarella stick in his mouth and took a long pull from his beer. “I’m a dick because I give a shit Davey. Yeah people don’t like me on the outside, but down deep, where their hearts beat, they got a special little place for me whether they like it or not.” He looked at me with a depth of understanding I had never seen before and haven’t since. “They’re gonna miss me when I’m gone.”

We sat in silence for a minute. Joe slid the last mozzarella stick over to me and I ate smiling, the things were fucking delicious. Joe took a slow drink of his beer and looked away into the corner, like he was lost in his own little world. “I know who and what I am, probably better than most people. Most people don’t even bother to try to figure that out, they go through their lives letting people tell them who they are, and that just aint right.” He took another drink and never took his eyes from the corner, like the words he needed were painted on the wall. “Being honest to others is a simple thing, just tell them the truth and let them deal with it their own way, that’s a piece of cake.” He lit a cigarette and blew the smoke straight ahead of him, “It’s being honest with yourself, that’s the rub , that’s when shit gets real.” He looked back at me, his eyes were glassy, and I swear to Christ I thought the old guy was gonna cry. “The real truth is that I, your uncle Joe, am a complete and total dick, and that’s a good thing.” He smiled at me. “There’s a freedom in knowing that Davey, and it feels nice, real nice.” He stopped and looked into the corner again, looking like the most content man the world had ever seen. Shit, he was making me a believer, in what I’m not sure, but he was right, it felt good.

“Anyways, I like me.” Joe says and gives me that big smile of his. “That’s the most important thing Davey, you got to like you.” He leans forward and points his cigarette at me, “If you don’t like yourself then fucking change. Too many people out there are so afraid to change, they live a life of dog shit misery.” He sits back and waves his hand in the air like he’s conducting an orchestra, small rings come off the end of his cigarette, he smiles. “ Life’s too short to be miserable, fuck that, smile your way through the shit, that’s what I say.” He diddles his cigarette again making more rings. “Life is made out of simple things, little moments, you gotta make sure you see them, and then you gotta enjoy the hell out of ‘em.” He waves his cigarette again making another series of small rings, he smiles again. “Pretty cool huh?” I sat back and watched the display, a happy dick making smoke rings, I gotta admit, it was pretty cool.

I stood next to the empty chair, the chair that Joe used to sit in. I reached down and ran my fingers across the table and looked up at the gathered crowd. “So I’m gonna ask you all to raise your glasses.” I said raising my own high in the air. Everyone around the room raised their drinks and looked at the empty table in front of the bar. “To my uncle Joe. He was a rare man, he understood who he was and did his best to live up to it. Yeah, he could piss off anybody he came across, but if you looked a little deeper, you knew it was because he cared. He was a man of his word, even if his word drove ya nuts. He was the biggest dick I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I was proud of him.” I stopped for a moment and looked around the crowded bar with a smile, I could feel a tear making its way down my cheek, I let it go, it belonged there. “You were right uncle Joe, you will be missed. Salut!” Cries of “salut” echoed throughout the bar, and then, everybody stopped as one for a moment, to look at the empty chair again, reliving their own memories of the greatest Dick they had ever known. Maybe realizing at that point just how much the man would be missed. You could almost see Joe smiling, a lit cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth, a half empty beer bottle in his hand, looking up and saying: “It’s a fucking art form, Davey. God I love this place.”