Untitled

I stared at the stick I held in my hand. Could I be reading this right? It had been two days. That made the test invalid, right? But there it was, in front of my face, the faint blue plus sign. I read over the instructions again. Yep, right there in black and white. Discard results after ten minutes.
I had taken the pregnancy test two nights ago. I was at my dad's house so I had stuffed it back in my bag to dispose of later. I couldn't risk anyone seeing the test in the garbage. That would have set off a lot of questions and suspicions. I wasn't ready to deal with that. I was just getting to know my father again. I didn't want to drop a bomb like that on him so soon. That night, though, the test had almost clearly read negative. I thought maybe I saw the faintest of color in the window that would say positive, but I assumed that was just my wishful thinking. When I pulled the test out of my bag today to throw away I expected to see exactly what I had seen on Wednesday night, in my father's bathroom. Now here it was though, reading a positive, telling me I was pregnant.
I sat on the edge of my bed. Until five days ago I had shared this bed with Carter Mason for almost two months. That Monday, though, he had packed his things and moved back home to his parents. I had received a text while I was at work informing me of his decision. He didn't give me an explanation. Just a simple "I'm breaking up with you." I really hadn't seen it coming. I was so devastated I just ran out on my job. I could barely hold back the tears until I was safely out the door and around the building.
I was blinded by my tears but I just started walking. I didn't have a car or a plan. I just kept walking. I didn't know where I was going to walk to. I couldn't go home quite yet. If I walked through the door crying my roommates would want to know what was going on. I couldn't face them yet. Of course, maybe they already knew. They had to be present while Carter was moving his stuff out. Maybe they even helped him. That thought made me cry even harder.
I dug my phone out of my purse and dialed the number of the only friend I had in this town. When Jenny answered she immediately knew what was wrong. Through my sobs I managed to tell her the basics of what was going on. That Carter had broken up with me, I just walked out on my job, and I had no way to get home. She told me she would be there to pick me up in a second. I sat down right where I was and waited, crying the whole time.
When Jenny showed up I asked her to just take me home. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to figure out what I needed to do. She complied, reluctantly. When we arrived at my house I hurried a goodbye and stepped out into the cold air again. It was refreshing on my face and in my lungs. I thought about just leaving again, walking to wherever my feet would take me. I realized how tired I was though. I just wanted to crawl in my bed and fall asleep so I could wake up from this nightmare.
Once inside the house I kept my head down and just headed straight for my room. Thankfully the only person in the house was Jacob and he was too into his video games to notice that I had even come home.
Now here I was sitting on that same bed staring at that little blue plus sign. It couldn't be right, but I had to be sure. I grabbed the second, unused test from the box. I ran down the stairs with the test hidden in my sleeve. I didn't know if any of my roommates were home, but I wasn't taking any chances. Once safely in the bathroom I read over the instructions again. After I was sure of what I had to do I sat on the toilet. I held the absorbent tip in the stream for no more than ten seconds, just as the directions told me to do. Then I replaced the cap and set it on the counter and waited.
I covered my face with my hands, afraid to see the results. A part of me wanted the test to read negative, just as it had the two nights ago. There was also a part of me, though, that hoped it would be positive. I don't know why I wanted it to be positive. Was it because it could bring Carter back? Or because I wanted a baby so badly? Now would not be the ideal time to have a child since I had lost my job and, technically, Carter and I were not together. It had only been five days though. You don't just get over someone in five days.
After I was sure it had been two minutes I peeked through my fingers. I couldn't wait any longer. My curiosity took over my fear and I snatched the stick off the counter. My stomach did a back-flip. There it was again, the positive blue plus sign. So, I was pregnant. Now what?
I needed to call Carter. He needed to be the first person to know. I knew he somewhat loved me. There was no way he could just ignore the fact that I was carrying his child. I took the test back up to my room with me. I set both sticks side by side on my dresser. I was going to keep them incase Carter wanted to see the proof for himself. I searched through my bag for my phone and dialed his number. I knew he was with his friends tonight. They had a date with a Play-station three and some pizza. I felt bad that I was about to ruin his night but I couldn't be alone with this anymore. He needed to know and I needed someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I waited while his phone rang. I was sure I was going to get his voicemail. Then I heard the familiar voice.
"Hello." he said.
"Hey Carter, it's Sam." Dumb! As if he didn't know who was calling him. "Do you have a minute?" I asked him.
"Yeah, I guess." he replied. I could tell he was distracted. I could hear the sounds of the video game they were playing in the background.
"The...um...test...it was....positive." I stumbled over my words. There was a sudden silence on the other end. Had his friends heard what I just said? "Carter?" It was so quiet I thought maybe we had been disconnected.
"Hmmm?" he responded. I could tell he knew what I was saying but I made it clear for him anyway.
"Carter, I'm pregnant."

***
Carter and I sat in silence. We were parked in his car on the dike, the local hangout for teenagers and young adults. It was a beautiful view at night, with the moon reflecting off the water. You could see the waves slapping softly on the rocks. In the distance there were faint lights from boats on late night fishing trips. I always loved being up here, smelling the water in the air.
I looked at Carter, afraid to say anything. He was fidgeting with his fingers, picking at his nails. After we talked on the phone he came right over and picked me up so we could talk privately, in person. Since I had gotten in the car much had not been said though. I decided it was time we got it over with.
"What do we do?" I asked him. He kept staring at his hands. I could see him playing the question in his mind, trying to decide on his answer. He just shrugged his shoulders. I gave an exasperated sigh. Getting Carter to talk was like pulling teeth.
"Well, what would you like me to do?" I rephrased the question. I saw him take in a quick breath.
"You aren't going to...get...rid of it, are you?" He said this while still examining his fingernails.
"No, of course not!" I replied, shocked that he would think such a thing. I could be a cold-hearted bitch, but I wasn't crazy. I wanted this baby, with or without him. "I could never do adoption and the thought of killing my child makes me sick," I reasoned. He nodded absent-mindedly.
"Well...that's good." I struggled to understand what he might be thinking. He wasn't giving me much to work with. I decided to just put it out there, point-blank.
"Do you want to be a part of your child's life?" I inquired. There, I had said it. Now was his chance to end it with me for good or be a part of my life and his child's.
"Are you sure it's mine?" I threw him a bewildered glance. Did he really just ask me that? Of course it was his. I hadn't had sex with anyone other than him in over two months. I took a deep breath to calm myself before I answered him.
"Of course it's yours," I said. "You are the only person I have been with in the last two months. I had a period while I was with you, remember?" I felt a need to defend myself. I could understand why the thought had crossed his mind. I wasn't exactly faithful to my last boyfriend. He should know beings as he was the "other guy". He nodded his head slowly in agreement with me.
"What do we do know?" he asked. I thought for a minute. I decided that right now I was not going to get any deep meaningful answers out of him. It would be best to take this a day at a time.
"Since it's Friday, I can't go to the doctor until Monday. So what do you say we go to the health clinic Monday and get a test? Then we will go from there." He nodded his head again. "Are you ready to go?" I looked at him, hoping his answer was no. I wanted him to come back home with me and snuggle up in my bed just like we had for so many nights before. He reached for his keys and started the engine. I just stared out the window on the drive home, my head filling with thoughts. Would Carter and I get back together? Was he mad that this had happened? I knew without a doubt that Carter would be in his child's life whether that meant being with me or not. It was a comforting thought. Still, though, I needed a confirmation from him. I turned to face him.
His eyes were fixed on the road but I could tell he wasn't thinking about his driving. He was lost somewhere else, in his thoughts, in that world he conjures in his mind. His face was beautiful, lit by the glow of the dashboard lights. I loved how strong his features were. He had a chiseled chin and a strong, wide nose. His eyes were a grey-green color, but they were so bright you couldn't help getting lost in them. His hair always intrigued me. It was the color of black coffee on the very top of his head but if you looked closely you could see several strands that were a bright red color. The brown eventually ran into a full on red all the way down to his chin, where he always kept a neat, but scruffy, goatee. That was my favorite part of his face, his goatee. At night, when we were laying in bed, I would often catch myself stroking his chin. The coarseness of that facial hair always felt good against my hand.
I realized that I may never get to lay with him again. I may never get to snuggle under his arm with my head on his chest, breathing in his wonderful scent. I pushed those thoughts from my head. I had something now, something that would at least keep him around for a while longer. It was terrible to think that way, to think of using our child as a bargaining tool. I couldn't bear the thought.
No! I said to myself. I was not going to ever put my child through that. I knew what it felt like to be caught between your parents, with one parent using their children as a tool to get at the other. I vowed to myself at that very moment that I would never make that the case with my child. Never.
As we pulled up to my house I noticed that Carter parked his car in his usual spot. A good sign, I thought. Maybe he would stay with me tonight. I needed him there next to me. I needed to know that I was not alone in this. I hesitated before opening my door. I looked over at him. I could tell he was making the decision in his head. He had the answer before I even asked the question. Still, I put the invitation out there.
"Would you stay with me tonight?" I looked at him with hopeful eyes. He looked back at me and gave a look that melted my insides.
"Yeah," he replied. My heart leapt in my chest. I grabbed my bag and practically jumped out of the car. Tonight I wouldn't be alone. Tonight I would forget about my worries and enjoy what could be my last moments with Carter. I stood at the edge of the sidewalk and waited for him to catch up with me. We walked into the house together and headed straight for what used to be our bedroom, ignoring the look of shock on Jacob's face.

To be continued......