Much Too Stoic For Love

Picture, if you will, sitting in a car with a boy a year older than you, staring out the window at the rain pittering and pattering viciously against the windshield. It's completely silent, your hands are clasped in your lap, fisting your pants. You're crying. You're not speaking to the boy, as he seems too focused on the road, and you know he won't reply with more than a single word anyway. There's a crash of thunder, and you jump. The thunder rolls away and silence reigns heavily again.

You're scared, shivering, soaked to the bone, and the tension is heavy in the atmosphere of the little car. And yet…you've never felt more comfortable.

These were my feelings as I sat in the car beside Cabel Connors. He was the quietest person I knew. Not just quiet, actually, but stoic. I had heard so many rumors about his dark, mysterious childhood that had made him such an Ice King, but I couldn't be sure any of them were true. If gossip were a drug, our local high school would be horribly, irreparably addicted.

"Thanks again for picking me up," I said.

"Hnnh."

One rumor was that he was abducted by aliens as a child, and they stole the piece of his brain that controls emotions, leaving him supernaturally apathetic. This was the dumbest thing I'd ever heard, of course.

"It was really nice of you."

"Hnnh."

Another was that he did a bunch of narcotics, all of which made him quiet and anti-social. Again, dumb. Just by looking at him I could tell he'd never done a drug in his life. Cabel Connors…was beautiful.

"Do you hate me?"

"What?"

The most popular rumor was that his mother had slit her wrists and bled to death in the basement, and Cabel had walked in and found her pale, lifeless body. It had traumatized him so much he'd been mute for weeks, and grown into the quiet, serious seventeen-year-old that he now was.

"Do you hate me?" I repeated.

Cabel raised a dark eyebrow, though his crystal blue eyes remained fixed on the rain-slicked road. "No."

"Oh," I said, settling back into my seat. "That's good."

The rest of the ride was silent. Not awkward, but as I said, the most comfortable ride of my life. It seemed that when I was with Cabel Connors, there was really no need to talk. That typical human impulse to fill a deafening silence didn't exist in that moment. Silence was perfectly acceptable. Silence seemed...right.

"So…I heard you rode home with Cabel Connors last night?"

I looked up from my Chemistry homework and blinked at my friend Crystal, my eyelids falling closed briefly over my soft mahogany eyes. "Huh?" I said, blowing dark auburn bangs out of my face.

Crystal sighed. "God, Alex, pay attention," she said. "Connors. Cabel Connors. Did you or did you not ride home with him last night?"

I nodded slowly. "Yeah, I did." Setting my pencil down, I interlaced my fingers and stretched my hands high over my head, palms up, casually cracking my knuckles. "The thunderstorm was getting pretty bad, and he saw me walking and offered to give me a lift."

My friends were staring at me as if I'd just grown a second head.

"What?" I asked, giving them an irritated look.

"He knows the taste of human flesh!" Kayla cried.

Spencer nodded in fervent agreement. "He's so scary!" he said. "He'll crush you into jelly or roast you, and then he'll eat you for dinner!"

I arched a mildly amused brow. "Wow," I said dryly. "Are you serious right now? He's not a troll, guys."

"He might as well be," Crystal said, leaning toward me as if preparing to tell me some terrible secret. Her eyes grew insanely wide. "He eats babies, you know!"

I snorted, then broke into all out laughter. "Right, right, okay," I giggled. "Cabel Connors eats babies." With another snort, I stood and went to dump my tray. As I came close to the door of the cafeteria, I saw a tall figure rounding the next corner. Apparently my friends had seen him too, because they all made various motions of horror and discouragement. All eyes in the cafeteria were on them as they flailed about. The people I hung around with had never developed a talent for subtlety.

I turned around, waved, adjusted the strap of my messenger bag, then rushed after Cabel. I heard a rather loud, "Noooooooooooooooooo!!" from the cafeteria that could only have been Spencer.

I caught up with the older boy quickly. His only pace seemed to be somewhere between a crawl and a mosey. Still, he managed to cover a lot more ground than me in a much shorter period of time, mostly due to his long legs. He was a good seven or eight inches taller than me.

Cabel didn't even look down at me as I approached. "Hey," I said, not surprised when I didn't receive a response. I smiled, never one to give up so easily. "Thanks again for the ride. It was awesome of you to pick me up so that I didn't have to walk home in that crazy rain."

"Hnnh."

"Seriously, I can't thank you enough." I grinned again, trying to draw a smile out of the boy, but his mask didn't break. "I really hate the rain."

"Scared, right?"

I stumbled mid-step, caught completely off guard. That was the first time Cabel had ever answered me with more than one word. "What?" I asked, my eyebrows practically shooting into my hair line.

"You're scared of thunder storms," Cabel replied.

That was a complete sentence, wasn't it? Lord help us all, the apocalypse must have been coming, because Cabel Connors had just spoken a complete sentence.

"What makes you think that?" I asked, trying to keep my tone as light as possible. He was right, of course, but I couldn't just admit it. I had to make this conversation drag on as long as was within my power. If I let it end, all of this strangely and coincidentally cliché and abrupt progress would be in vain!

"You jumped every time it thundered," Cabel said, voice flat. Despite the lack of emotion, he had the most pleasant bass tone of voice I'd ever heard.

"Did not," I challenged.

"Did too," Cabel shot back in a heart beat.

"So you're talking to me now, huh?" I asked.

"Oh, what a subtle change of subject."

Great. Of course the first emotion I ever heard in Cabel's voice just had to be heavy sarcasm.

"I was not trying to change the subject," I said, which was a blatant lie. I had been doing just that.

Cabel rolled his eyes. "Whatever you say, Alex." With that, the Ice King moseyed on.

I stood in the middle of the hall, shell shocked.

Cabel Connors, the most beautiful person I'd ever met, my Adonis, knew my name.

Karen gave me a skeptical look. "Really?" she questioned. "He said all that?"

I nodded frantically as I skillfully cut a boneless piece of chicken for the alfredo I was preparing for dinner that night. "I swear to God! He did!"

Karen pursed her lips and shook her head. "There's no way," she said. "Look, I know you feel all special because he gave you a ride home, but don't start hallucinating on me."

"I'm not hallucinating!" I said, throwing my hands up in exasperation. "He really did say all those things!"

"The most Cabel Connors has ever spoken to me was a single letter, and it was the answer to a question on a test." Karen fixed me with an even stare. "I think you're crazy."

"Nuh-uh," I disagreed. "He laughs every time you burst into the room and shout, 'Caaaaabeeeeeel! I'm huuuuuuungrryyyyyy!' That counts as some kind of human interaction."

Karen laughed. "Yes, he does! But that's only because I'm so weird!" She sighed and made a face. "Which reminds me. Alex, I'm…"

I cut her off quickly. "Don't even say it," I warned. "Dinner will be ready in like ten more minutes, so chill."

Pouting, she slid off of the stool at the counter and padded across the kitchen floor to pour herself yet another cup of coffee. "Anyways," she said as she brought the steaming cup to her lips. "Don't read too much into it. Cabel just doesn't like people."

"But he's so nice!" I said. "And his smile is gorgeous and oh man!" I paused, my eyes widening in awe as I stared right at Karen. "His eyes! Holy shit, his eyes are gorgeous! They're so blue!"

I could clearly see the thought of checking me into an asylum forming in Karen's mind as she patted my head. "Calm down there, woman. He's way too stoic."

"Too stoic for looooooove!" I shrieked, letting my head drop onto her shoulder. "Why meeeeee?"

Karen rubbed my back and sipped calmly at her coffee. "I'm buying you a straight jacket for Christmas…" she mumbled.

The weekend seemed to drag on forever, Monday nothing but a hopelessly small speck in the dismal grey distance. Usually I would be absolutely ecstatic about the length of the weekend, but this time, things were different. The beautiful Cabel Connors knew my name, and I needed to confirm it. I needed to prove it! He'd acknowledged the existence of a girl named Alex, but making him acknowledge the girl herself would be another thing entirely.

I was still confused about why Cabel would bother calling me out on my fear of thunder, but that wasn't the most pressing matter.

What was important was claiming his heart! There had only been one boy in the past I'd ever cried over, and he was now taken. I highly approved of his girlfriend, and their general togetherness, so I'd forced myself to get over it. I didn't know whether I felt the same way about Cabel as I had about that boy.

All I knew was that when I thought of the most truthful of the rumors of Cabel's past, of that strange sadness behind his eyes, and of the way he shuts himself out, away from the rest of the world, I definitely had the urge to cry. And, no matter, what the situation, if I feel like crying over something as stupid as a member of the opposite sex, it means I care at least enough to say that I have taken a liking to him.

Though, in the case of Cabel, that would be an understatement. I think love seemed like the proper term for my feelings toward Cabel Connors. Every single time I saw him my heart fluttered and my throat tightened and I felt like I was drowning and flying at the same time. It was the most miraculous feeling in the world. Now, being only fifteen, I really had no idea what love was like. But I could guess, and I was pretty sure my guess was spot on.

So, let's cut the excuses and all this beating around the bush.

I was in love with Cabel Connors.

That's why I was so eager for Monday to come. That's why I spent the whole weekend biting my nails and twiddling my thumbs and clicking my pen. I just wanted to see Cabel.

I went to bed early on Sunday. The sooner I fell asleep, the sooner I would wake up, and the sooner it would be Monday. The sooner it was Monday, the sooner I would see the object of my adoration.

I walked to school that day, like always, in the crisp fall air. Sadly, it wasn't crisp enough. The looming, thick clouds in the distance warned me of a coming storm, and I knew it was still too warm for snow. That meant rain, and a rain storm meant thunder.

I stopped walking for a brief moment as a little theoretical light bulb flickered to imaginary life above my head. Mr. Opportunity was knocking. If it stormed, and I took my usual route home, there was a chance Cabel would pick me up again. Then we could interact. And even if no interaction took place, I'd still be near him, and it wouldn't be awkward at all. With Cabel, it was never awkward.

I climbed the two flights of stairs to sophomore hall and expertly spun the dial on my locker. I heard the click of the lock and pulled the slim metal door open. Almost automatically, I switched out the books in my bag for the ones I would need first period. It was instinct now, routine. The whole school day was. I ventured to each and every one of my classes like a robot programmed to do so. There was no active thinking required. I hardly ever needed to engage my brain when it came to lessons, either. Therefore, from the hours of eight to three, I was on autopilot.

There was only one situation my programming did not take into account. That, of course, was a certain intimidating figure approaching me from behind and tapping me on the shoulder. I yelped and spun around quickly. "Holy shit!" I cried. "Cabel, you scared the crap out of me!"

A dark eyebrow arched on pale skin, as it so often did. "Sorry?"

I smiled. "No, no, it's fine!" I assured him. "I just wasn't expecting you to suddenly show up." My expression became politely confused as I slowly began to realize that Cabel had just approached me and not the other way around. "Was there…something you needed?"

He remained perfectly silent, but his hand came up, holding a small black object.

"Oh!" I said, taking the calculator from him. "Thanks, Cabe, I was wondering where this went. I must have dropped it in your car."

He blinked. Shock hit me like a brick wall. Was Cabel Connors actually showing confusion? But confusion was an emotion! No…he was definitely puzzled. But what was he puzzled about?

"Cabe?" he echoed blankly.

"Oh!" I put a hand up to my mouth. I hadn't even realized I'd let the nickname slip. "Yeah…sorry. I can keep calling you Cabel, if you like that better."

His lips pursed for a brief moment, as if he were mulling something over. Then he shrugged, put his hands in his pockets, turned on his heel and moseyed away. "Whatever," he said.

Did that mean it was okay to call him Cabe? Whatever, I was going to call him Cabe no matter what. It sounded just as cool, and it was easier to say in a quick conversation.

The first few periods went by in a slow, dull haze. Lunch passed in a similar haze, but one that was fast and bright and loud. I had a headache by the time it was over, but I chose to ignore it. I could handle another half a day with a bit of a sore head.

During my eighth period keyboarding class, I heard the steady fall of the first raindrops of the afternoon hitting the window and the track beyond it. By the middle of ninth period, the first roll of thunder struck. I stiffened and looked out the window. The clouds were so thick that it practically looked like nighttime. I gulped, terrified by the prospect of walking home…

It took me nearly ten minutes to make the transition from the safety of the threshold of the school's front door out into the pouring rain. I pulled my hood up over my head and ran, water splashing up onto my jeans as my feet pounded through puddles ranging from a pin's width to almost an inch deep. I felt the urge to cry as thunder rumbled overhead. The cold of the rain seeped through my clothing and shoes until every inch of my body prickled with an unpleasant stabbing sensation. I could vividly picture a million microscopic icicles, slowly being embedded deeper into each and every pore on my being.

Five minutes passed and the storm doubled in intensity, the rain coming down in torrents and bucket loads. Dismal, I crouched down and buried my face in my knees, sobbing quietly.

Then, suddenly…the rain stopped.

I looked up with red eyes and saw Cabel standing over me, lit from behind by the headlights of his old Ford Focus. He held an umbrella above us with one hand. The other was extended in my direction. I reached out and cautiously wrapped my clammy, shaking fingers around his pale, warm ones. With one sharp tug of his arm he pulled me effortlessly to my feet. A strong arm wrapped around my shoulders, and I was guided to the passenger side door. He made sure I was in my seat and buckled before hurrying around to the driver's side and climbing in. The now closed umbrella was tossed haphazardly into the back seat.

His eyes were instantly on me as I shivered and wiped furiously at my eyes. "What the hell were you doing?" he asked, the venom in his tone shocking me.

"W-walking home from school…" I stammered in reply. I was both cold and the slightest bit nervous. I had no idea what to expect when Cabel Connors was angry. Luckily, his face seemed to soften a bit with his next words.

"In the pouring rain?" he said.

"Y-yes…" I replied meekly. "In the pouring rain…"

"Stupid…" was Cabel's dry response.

"Gee…" I mumbled. "Thanks a whole bunch…" I quickly brought my arms to my face and sneezed into the fabric of my coat.

"Well, it was stupid," Cabel insisted. "Now you're sick."

"I'm fine."

"You're sick."

"I'm fine!" This time I coughed roughly. My throat felt scratchy and I knew I really was getting sick. Damn. I really hated it when other people were right.

Cabel rolled his eyes. "From now on, just ride home with me," he said.

I blinked, my mind taking a few moments to finally snap out of autopilot and register his words. "What?" I said dumbly.

"You heard me."

"Yeah..." I murmured. "But why?"

Cabel shrugged. "Easier than picking you up on the side of the road every day, right?"

Of course. It was more convenient that way. Why would I even think for a moment that maybe he just felt like spending more time with me? What a ridiculous thought.

"Right," I agreed. "Sounds good. I guess I'll meet you at your locker or something?"

Cabel nodded. There was a crash of thunder, and I shuddered noticeably. A pale hand reached out and turned on the radio. The rain and thunder were reduced to background noise as My Chemical Romance blasted through the car speakers.

"Felt like listening to music?" I asked.

Cabel shook his head. "Not really."

"Then…why did you turn the radio on…?" I gave him a curious look.

"Now you can hardly hear the thunder," he replied, keeping his eyes on the road.

I opened my mouth and let out a silent gasp. "Oh…" I breathed. A light blush painted my cheeks pink. I sneezed as I looked back out the window, smiling a bit. The rest of the car ride was comfortably silent.

The next morning I woke up and cursed so loudly that I could have sworn I made the house shake. My eyes were stinging, my nose was running, my face was red, and I was exhausted.

If there was one thing in this world that I loathed, it was being sick. Besides feeling completely miserable for several days in a row, which on no account was fun, I hated missing school! I never felt like making up a week of notes and tests and quizzes and essays and other demons of the educational world.

Still, the little red 101.4 on the screen of my digital thermometer was enough to tell me that I had absolutely no choice in the matter. I was staying home, and that was that. If I didn't, and tried to make it through the school day, the nurse would catch me and send me home, crying 'swine flu' louder than Peter cried 'wolf'.

So, informing my parental units that I was too sick for school and they would need to call in my absence, I crawled wretchedly back into bed. I was out like a light again in seconds.

Sometime in my mid-teens I made the decision to place a cordless telephone by my bed when I was home alone and sleeping. This way, it would wake me up and I would never miss an important call.

I made some of the stupidest decisions of my life while in my mid-teens. The phone-by-bed idea? Yes, that was one of them.

I couldn't count the number of useless telemarketing calls I received that day on one hand. Right when I would be drifting off to that deepest part of sleep, the phone would ring. I would pick it up, mumble a bleary 'hello?', then instantly hang up when I heard a recording or someone so monotonous I just knew it had to be a scam. Of course, I was too lazy to get up and move the phone out of my bedroom. Why bother? There was no way it would ring again, anyway.

Of course, it always did.

So my day was spent drifting in and out of a very restless state of half-sleep. By the time it was two o'clock and I'd managed to drag myself out of bed, all I did was make some soup. I ate it and immediately burrowed back into my blankets.

I fell asleep for another few hours. Then the obnoxious ringing of the phone woke me up again. I reached out a hand and picked it up, pressed the on button, and held the receiver to my ear. " 'Ello…?" I sniffled, wiping my nose on my sleeve.

"Hey." It was Spencer's voice. "You sound pretty bad. I guess that's why you weren't at school?"

"Yeah…" was my tired response. "I couldn't manage to sleep all day either."

"Feeling miserable?" he asked.

"Pretty much…"

"Well, I have a bit of information that might cheer you up a tad, missy." There was a hint of mischief in his voice that intrigued me. I was immediately twice as attentive.

"And what might that be?" I inquired.

"Cabel Connors…" he began, pausing for a long moment.

I sat up, my interest level shooting sky high. "What about Cabel Connors?" I asked.

"He asked me where you were today."

"No way."

"Way."

My heart fluttered with a strange sort of elation and nervousness. "You must be lying to me. Cabel wouldn't care if I wasn't at school."

"He seemed to care," Spencer said, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"Tell me what he said," I demanded. "Exactly what he said."

"Well, he was leaning against the locker next to yours, all stoic like usual." His voice dropped a bit in pitch, and I could picture him furrowing his brow and trying to imitate one of Cabel's serious faces. It was comical, to say the least, and I found myself trying very hard not to laugh.

"Annnnd?" I pressed.

"And when all of us are crowding around your locker, waiting for you to get there, he just goes, 'Where's Alex?' Of course, we had no fricking clue, so we just shrugged and told him we didn't know. Maybe you were sick or something we said, right? He gave me this really nasty look, like it was my job to know where you were all the time or something like that. Then he just sort of strolled away."

I sighed, the ends of my lips pulling up ever so slightly. "Sounds just like Cabel," I said. "So maybe you aren't lying to me."

"I'm totally not," Spencer insisted. "I think he likes you."

I snorted. "Are you crazy?" I said. "Cabel Connors doesn't like anybody. He's way too stoic for love."

It was Spencer's turn to snort. "Too stoic for love…" he mumbled, and I could tell the phrase amused him. "Come on, Alex, no one's too stoic for love."

"Darth Vader is."

"Nuh-uh," Spencer challenged. "He loved when he was Anakin, and then at the end of the sixth movie right before he died. Even the great Sith Lord Vadar can love!"

"Wrong."

"Right."

His tone sounded so final that I was almost afraid to argue with him anymore. Spencer could hold his ground when he needed to.

I huffed with irritation. "Fine," I relented. "Vader can love, but Cabel Connors will never love. Especially not someone like me."

"You just keep telling yourself that, Alex," Spencer sighed, and I just knew he was shaking his head.

"I will, thank you very much," I returned. "Anyways, thanks for checking up on me. See you tomorrow, Spence."

"See ya."

The phone beeped as I hung up and clicked lightly as I set it back on the table by my bed. I snuggled back into the covers and curled up on my side. My mouth twisted into a small pout. Cabel Connors didn't like me. Cabel Connors didn't like anybody.