Meeting Casey's Da

''Bunch a' fuckin' twats from the future.'' My girlfriend Casey's father exclaims from his polyester throne in a droll snarl. We both turn and face him from our place on the floor near the telly. His comment had nothing to do with the programme we were currently watching, which was an old nature documentary narrated by David Attenborough about birds.
''I'll fucking see to it that you get all your arms cut off, then I'll throw you all in the Clyde.''
He was quite possibly asleep, but his eyes were half open and looking directly at me. Casey follows his stare to my face and bursts out in muffled laughter - her eyes shine and her nose crinkles up as she puts her hands over her big toothy grin, shoulders hunched and jerking about in the usual manner when you find something incredibly funny.
''Is he... alright?'' I ask Casey.
''Aye Joe, he just likes you is all.'' She begins giggling away again.
''Fair enough then.'' We turn back to David Attenborough, her wiping tears away and me just plain weirded out.
Just then we hear: ''I'll eat you in a Japanese sauce'', followed by something else indefinable, yet managing to resonate in an offensive tone. He is still staring right through me. Casey bursts out laughing again, in the style that if she were drinking tea it would have sprayed out in a comical vapourous manner. I just feel a bit uneasy, truth be told. I had only briefly met this man twice before and now I'm sitting in the same room as him with his daughter that I've been shagging for two months and he's blurting profane, violent remarks in his sleep. It could mean he's a tough guy which would be awful because I'm a total pussy when it comes down to it. The only thing I'm confidently manly about is shagging. Perhaps he wouldn't mind me telling him I got nuts deep in his daughter's rectum last week? It at least sounds manly, if a tad disgusting. Nah, I'd rather not get flung into the Clyde.

''NNrghh!''

We both turn around to find him suddenly awaken, jolting upright then looking sluggishly around as if he'd lost something.
''Oh, did I doze off? How long was I out for?''
''Twenty minutes, Dad.''
''Fuck sake. Well go and stick the kettle on, Case.''
Casey rises daintily, giving me an 'inside joke' sort of smile, then buggers off into the kitchen.
There we were. Me and the Dad, alone! He was only in here for five minutes before falling asleep until now. I have absolutely nothing interesting to say to him.
He grunts at me: ''D'ye see the Celtic match yesterday?''
''No. Eh, I don't watch football. Well, I enjoy the world cup whe-''
''You don't like football? Whit kind uv a fud are ye?''
This completely threw me off kilter.
''Erm.. I'm not a fan of football, or sports in general really.'' I said bearing an overly polite smile.
''Well what DO you like then?, Whit's yer line of work?''
Shit. Fuck. I'm unemployed and I like fucking his daughter.
''Well, I play a bit of guitar. I've been teaching myself for a few years now. I make a bit of music on my computer as well, you know, as a hobby.''
He looks heavily unconvinced, and is now showing an expression as if someone was holding a rotten cabbage under his nose.
''Aye, but whit's yer line uv work?''
Fuck, thought I could get away with that there. Why does he care so much?
''Well, I'm inbetween jobs just now so I signed on.''
''Dole scum, then. Too many young ones like yerself are becoming fucking lazy bastards, an' it's all because ye's can just sit 'err an' get payed off the fuckin' state. Buncha Mammie's boys. Why don't ye get a job in construction? Ther's plenty uv joabs in sites fur ye.''
''Erm, well no, it's not really my thing to be honest. I'm looking for a more creative job aspect.'' I was just shitting words out now. What was he, a fucking dole officer?
''So yer a poof then.'' His eyes were dead set on mine. His face was starting to turn red. It was clear by this point that he didn't, doesn't and won't like me.
I smile awkwardly at him. He leans forward;
''When I wis your age I wis a foreman at the steelworks.'' Aw here we go, I thought. ''Ah've worked hard aw ma life son, and ah've gone through a lot uv shite in my time just to see the world go tae pot wae aw you young folk sittin' aroon' wae yir thumbs up yir erses, getting yir maws tae wash yer claes.''
I retorted - ''Well, aye but it's different now. There's-''
''Different how?'' ''There's still joabs i'nt ther'?''
''Aye, but there's a lot more people now, and not enough jobs to go around in Glasgow, and-'' He wouldn't let me fucking finish.
''Well then get a joab in construction. Casey's ex-boyfriend Mike wis a chippy. He goat payed handsomely, more in a month than you get off the brew in two years.'' He was starting to really piss me off.
''It's not my thing. I'm not a 'hard man', really. I like art and music and stuff.'' That sounded particularly bad. His face mirrored my thoughts exactly.
''Well then go tae college, get a degree and go tae uni. Ye'll no huv tae work, just dae exams an' that.'' Get the fuck off my case! I was aching to shout that at him but I'd get thrown in the Clyde if I did.
''Aye, I'll need to have a look at courses. College is more my thing I suppose.''

Giving me a sideward glance, he nods, then rests right back in his armchair.
We now know eachother a little better, I thought. We have totally opposing attitudes, which puts my relationship (which was casual anyway until a couple of weeks ago) with Casey in jeopardy. Plus, I still don't have a clue what his name is.

We sat in silence watching David Attenborough for a couple of minutes until lovely Casey came shuffling back in with a cup of tea in each hand, oblivious to the tense atmosphere. ''One for you Daddy, and one for you''. She carefully places the cup on the floor beside me. Thank fucking Christ for Casey! She takes a seat beside me and gives me a wee peck on the cheek, then puts her hand on my thigh. Oh please no, I thought. I could feel her Dad's stare immediately burning a hole into the side of my face. I turned red. He speaks:
''Case, can you give us lads a few minutes alone sweetheart?'' My arsehole just about collapsed. ''Yeah, whatever Dad. Just give us a shout when you're finished.''
She rises to her feet and wanders through to her bedroom, leaving me there with Captain Cunt all alone. He pushes himself forward and onto his feet, slowly walks to the door, quietly shuts it and returns to perch on the edge of his chair. I didn't realize he was quite so tall. About six foot one or two. A good height I thought, for throwing his daughters suitors into the Clyde.
''Alright son. Whit's really yer game here?''
''...What?''
''Look, don't act aw fucking stupit wae me now. Whit's yer game, wae ma daughter?'' I knew it - He's one of those fathers - an over-protective, overbearing, agressive man who wants someone exactly like himself to marry his daughter and bear his cunt grandchildren, but who secretly wants to fuck the shit out of his own girl and can't bear it when someone younger than him gets to do just that.
''Well I think Casey's great. I really like her, and enjoy spending my time with her. You must be proud.''
''Dae ye love her?'' There it was. I hesitate to answer this particular question.
''Well, it's still a bit early yet for love, but I can see our relationship growing stronger each day. I think she's a lovely, lovely lass.''
''So ye don't love her then. 'At's fine, aye, just a nae-love sort uv hing, eh?'' I feel uneasy. ''Well, no. I can see us eventually being in love, it'll j-'' He interrupts;
''Ye's better no be.... Up tae anything.'' His eyes fixate on mine, following my pupils. His brow becomes rigid and his ginger mustache raises, concealing lips pursed in concentration. If I was a drugs lord and he was an interrogating detective, I would give it all up on this stare alone.
''Well.. no, no! Of.. course not. No, I like to wait for that kind of thing until I know I truly love someone. We just like to talk.'' Bullshit, I've had at least seven of my digits in her ass at one point or another. I jizzed in her hair for fuck's sake.
''Answer me thruthfully now. Huv ye - done - 'anything' - wae - ma daughter?'' His face begins to turn red again.
''I honestly haven't! You can ask her!'' I am aware of my body language right now. My movements and facial gesturing spell: I've banged her alright, but please stop with the questions already. Just then, a loud noise occurs and I find myself staring at the antique oak cabinet to my direct left. He had slapped me. The familiar sting came rushing to my cheek in a pulsating wave of agony. I turned to face him with wide eyes, looking suitably shocked.
''I know when some cunt's lying tae me son, and ah'm no gonnae fuckin' ask again - Huv ye done anythin' wae Casey? If ye tell another porky, I'll smash ye.''
''...Alright! Yes! I've.. Well, we.. Have. Yes. I'm sorry!'' I could feel tears appearing at the bottom of my eyes. Real tough guy I was. His eyes narrowed, then his brow showed an expression of pure primal rage as his teeth showed under his tash - In one motion too quick to register I found myself looking at the window to my right. Before the pain could even set in, he was on his feet and hastily trying to undo his belt. I jumped up and made way for the door, scrambling with the handle before running out into the hallway towards the stairs. He was in hot pursuit with his belt out from around his waist, flailing around in his fist like a dangerous black tendril. I flung myself down the stairs at a hundred miles an hour and looked up to find him at the top, rumbling down to get me. I make it to the front door only to hear the rumbling turn to loud thudding sounds. Casey was now at the top of the stairs looking down at me and her father who was lying in a heap at the bottom, belt still in hand. ''Goodbye!'' I shouted, and exited the madhouse. I could hear a muffled screaming from behind, but opted to fuck the fuck off out of there rather than check to see if he was alright. Fuck him anyway - he'd hit me twice, the bastard. I ran and ran until I reached the bus stop and caught a bus that was just pulling over to let folk off. I didn't know where the destination was, but It didn't really matter anyway. I ended up in Crookston, then got a taxi home.

I never saw lovely Casey again after that. I still hope her Dad broke his fucking neck though.

Magnus McFarlane. 2010