Paranoid

         Mary starred at the ubiquitous red numbers on the digital clock. They screamed 3:30 AM. She was lying on the floor in the living room of a cheap apartment. The beige carpeting scratched her bare arms and legs. The room was warm with the only cool coming from the occasional warm July breeze finding its way through the open window in the room. The breeze tickled and kissed her bare skin bringing her relief from her summer fever. There was no sound except for breathing and the quiet symphony of city traffic outside the window. She was warm, but she still clutched the blanket in her arms towards her chest. It was her security. She felt she had no other security available at the moment. She was thinking too much again. It was scaring her. She felt sick. And perhaps she was sick. “Where the fuck am I?” she mumbled to herself as she ran her fingers through her matted, sweaty cranberry hair, although she knew full well as to where she was. Mary was with Evan. They were in his cheap apartment. Last she could recall, they had been lying on the floor starring at the cracked, white ceiling discussing whatever topics that came to mind. It was a good way to waste time. Evan claimed to not care what Mary said to him, Mary didn’t really care what Evan had to fess up to. Nothing shocked him and nothing shocked her. Evan was slightly inebriated the majority of the time anyway. Mary, on the other hand, was just naturally numb. She wasn’t judgmental and nothing really shocked her anymore, nor did she have an issue with secret telling. She figured she’s screw everything up at some point anyway, so why not put her life right out there? But she was still paranoid for some strange reason. She jumped when she heard movement next to her. It was Evan.
         “Mary, you’re up, what’s wrong?” Evan asked with a yawn. He was completely sober now. He had that strange caring tone in his voice that she wasn’t used to.   
         “Can’t sleep again” Mary tersely answered.
         “You need something?” Evan questioned.
         “No” another short answer.
         “You won’t give me anything. You’ll leave. It’ll be too much and you’ll leave. I’m scared because I know you will” Mary wanted to say it so badly. She was scared.
         “Mary, come here, it’s OK” Evan turned his head to look at her and urged.
         “I can’t because I’m scared I’ll like it too much. Then you’ll leave” another thought that came to mind. Again, she didn’t confess. She wasn’t ready to be an open book about these things. And like a mindless doll, she rolled over to Evan.
         Mary and Evan were face to face, lying on the floor. Six inches separated their bodies. She expected a slap in the face. Perhaps that slap in the face would be better. It wouldn’t give her the time to enjoy the affection too much. She’d get the worst part over with first if it would ever occur. Mary and Evan did nothing for a while but stare for a few moments. Their warm breathes kissed each other’s faces. Evan appeared to be just as much of a mess as Mary. His dark brown hair was matted and drenched in sweat in the same manner of Mary’s. Mary was wondering who was going to make the first move here. She wouldn’t, so it was all on Evan here.
         “Is he going to strike or embrace?” Mary pondered fearfully. Her breathing became heavy with anxiety.
         “You know I’m not going to do anything” Evan picked up on her uneasiness.
         “I know but I still expect you to. You don’t know what’s happened” the voice in Mary’s head spoke. She nodded slowly.
         “I need a cigarette” she piped. It was the only thing she could think of saying to him.
         “Light it up if it’ll make you feel better” Evan spoke nonchalantly.
         Mary grabbed her pack of cigarettes and lighter from next to her. She it up a cigarette and put it to her lips while playing with the flame in the lighter for a few minutes. She took a long drag on the cigarette.
         “OK” she coughed.
         “Better?” Evan questioned.
         “No, but it’ll do” Mary thought as she mindlessly nodded in affirmation.
         Mary closed her eyes preparing herself for whatever was to come. She was now surrendering to Evan in her own way. He probably wouldn’t strike her… but she didn’t want him to embrace her either. She’d get too used to it… and then it would leave. Evan reached over towards her back and traced along the scars that marked her right shoulder blade. He never struck to make those scars, someone else did. She only expected him to do the same. Mary began to relax and rolled over to her stomach to be closer to Evan. Evan continued to trace pictures into her back. He left the scars and traced the floral tattoo etched into her back to cover the scars. It tickled until he hit the fresh ink that she had done. Then it burned. She flinched when he did this.
         “Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?” Evan spoke softly in a sing-song voice as to be telling a nursery rhyme.
         “By Jimmy’s gun and Jimmy’s hands” Mary replied in the same sing-song voice.
         “How many times has he worked on this?” Evan questioned.
         “This is his forth time adding to it. I’m getting my entire back done in a garden of roses” Mary answered.
         “I’m trying to cover up my nightmares” Mary thought, but never said.
         “You’re so impulsive. Impulsive with everything except me. I just don’t get it. I love your insanity” Evan smiled.
         “You only live once” Mary took another long drag on her cigarette.
         “And yet you walk on eggshells whenever you’re with me” Evan was digging for an answer from Mary.
         “Evan stop” Mary was scared again. He was going far too deep.
         “Mary, you’re an open book. You’ve told me everything. But I know you’re holding back something. Tell me” he was trying.
         “Evan, no” Mary begged.
         “And your impulsivity? Why not with me? I love it” Evan urged again.
         “And then I’ll do something wrong and you’ll strike… or you’ll leave… or both” the words came so easily to Mary’s head, but always choked her throat.
         “You don’t know. God, you don’t know” Mary cried.
         “I don’t know… and I need to know” Evan urged.
         And Mary snapped. Something snapped within her and she couldn’t stand it or hold it in anymore. It was like a ticking time bomb in her head and it had finally exploded. She threw Evan’s hand from her shoulder and quickly got up. She needed to say something because Evan wouldn’t stop questioning and the demons in her head wouldn’t stop torturing her.
         “You want the truth? I can’t be here anymore. I can’t do what I want. I know you’ll snap too. You’ll snap and hurt me the minute you don’t like it” Mary headed towards the door. She began screaming and crying.
          “And I can’t stick around” she fumbled in the dark with the doorknob to the front door. Evan still couldn’t get up from the floor. He was paralyzed by shock and couldn’t bring himself together to stop her yet.
         “I can’t stick around because I’ll like it here too much. And then you’ll get bored… or I’ll get bored… whichever happens first. And then you’ll leave. It always fucking happens” Mary was finally out the door and Evan was finally able to get up and try to stop her.
         Mary was out the door before Evan could grab her. She slammed the door in Evan’s face. She was sitting barefoot on the stoop of Evan’s apartment. Evan came out to see her, carefully like a child scared of the dark.          
         “Go away!” Mary sobbed.
         Evan continued to stand over her.
         “Go the fuck away” Mary looked him straight in the eye. She was angry, so angry, but still appeared as a hurt, cold child to Evan. He wanted to help her, but she was closing him off. All he could do was leave her alone for the night. And he would.
         Evan went back inside for the night, although he didn’t sleep, and Mary stayed on the front stoop for the night. She cried and smoked all night. It had finally happened: she had snapped. She wasn’t proud of it, but at least the demon was out. Maybe it was a good thing… or maybe it was a bad thing, but the exorcism had to do her some good.