Wings of Marrow

I looked in the mirror and turned. The protruding ribs I saw were beautiful, but the soft stomach that hid beneath them disgusted me. After all of this time I was stronger than ever, but not the strongest that I could be. I felt as if my sharp shoulder blades were wings, as if they would let me take off whenever I pleased. I was able to feel every breeze run across my body, increasing my adrenaline with every whispering wind. Those winds would help me soar. “Pagan, please come down stairs. We need to talk.” I sighed as I heard my mother beckon me to the kitchen. I could smell the bacon wafting up the stairs despite my closed door. My toes curled at the smell of the grease and calories. They were my enemy. As I slowly pulled my jeans and sweatshirt back on I glanced at the pictures that masked my walls. They were just pictures of celebrities to many, but to me, they were inspiration, my muses.  They were waiting for me to fly up and meet them, I just knew it.
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“Pagan, I received a call from your Physics teacher. She told me that you have failed the past four exams.” I sighed as I settled in for a lecture about how I should focus on my grades, not boys...don’t do drugs...you should study instead of going to parties. I had heard the speech so many times that I could most likely recite it alongside her.  “I’m doing the best that I can, mother.” This, of course, was a lie. I was putting no effort in to school. Who needs school when you can fly away? Of course, I couldn’t tell her this. She wouldn’t understand; people as disgusting as her didn’t get this feeling. “If you were trying your hardest you would have gone to those study sessions at lunch.” I was in the bathroom at lunch every day. The bathroom was like a second home to me. “Mom, I have to go. I don’t have time for this right now.” As I strolled out the door I heard her voice mumbling something about how disrespectful I truly was. In response I mumbled about her idiocy. If only she knew the truth.
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“Pagan, are you going to finish that cake?” It was Riel, her formerly full tray now empty. It didn’t matter how much we ate; it would all come out shortly. I shook my head at her, my mouth too full to speak. Liana rolled her eyes in abhorrence at our excessive intake of calories. Her tray had a half eaten apple on it, only half an apple less than what she had on it before. Riel laughed at this and reached across the table, snatching up the remaining cake on my tray. Riel was the easiest to understand out of the rest of them. She made everything simple. You eat, you throw up, and you starve, and start all over again. She had an unlimited supply of laxatives and every other drug stowed away at her house and was always more than willing to share. I loved her for two reasons: she always told me the truth, and her waist was two and a half inches wider than my own.
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“Pagan, pass me the Dulcolax.” I dug through my bag until I found the small bottle and rolled it under the stall divider. I wasn’t sure why I had them; it was easy for me to gag. All I had to think about was how each purge brought me one step closer to takeoff.  Riel on the other hand, refused to throw up. After all our years of binging and purging, I had only known her to vomit once. My mouth was dry and my stomach empty, yet I had more energy and strength than ever before. I was getting close, I could feel it. I could feel myself becoming more weightless, my body urging me to leave the ground and never come back.
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As Riel checked the lock on the door Liana and I stripped down to our underwear for one of our many weigh-ins. I stepped on the scale. 74.3 lbs. I had lost another 0.6 lbs. I stepped off of the scale so Liana could weigh herself. In my peripheral vision I saw her step on the scale, step off, and step back on as I searched for the measuring tape that would prove me the strongest. “This can’t be right. I gained 0.7 lbs. I was on the Stairmaster for six hours last night and have been living off of apples!” In a sick way I was glad she gained the weight. Liana’s weight was always incredibly close to mine and I always feared that she would beat me to the sky. She stepped off of the scale yet again with a look of disappointment and shame in her eyes. I carefully wrapped the measuring tape around my waist. 21.9 inches. It wasn’t bad, but it could definitely be smaller. I sighed and passed the measuring tape off to Riel. She quickly wrapped it around her waist, adjusting it so she could clearly read the number. “Oh my God, that is disgusting!” I glanced over at Riel and the revulsion on her face was apparent. Her tiny mouth was gaping and once she comprehended that we were staring at her she began to explain the shameful measurement. “My waist has gone up to 25.3 inches. That’s as big as Brittany’s!” I watched her turn to the toilet and the falling tears mix with the regurgitated food. Shortly after she stood and retrieved some laxatives from under the sink. Liana turned around and left in repulsion. I crossed the hall to pull on a robe. The heavy material weighed down heavily on my bones as I sauntered across the hall. I entered the bathroom to find Riel laying there, vomit coating her hair and face, her violet eyelids closed. I was speechless. I was hurt.
I didn’t leave the hospital once while Riel was there, partially to support her, but mostly to find out how she could do this to me. She was the only one who understood how badly I wanted to fly, to leave this world of hate and indignity behind. Despite the nurse’s comments and looks, I refused to leave. I belonged here.

It was three days later when Riel finally awoke from her drug induced slumber. Throughout her stay they had put Riel on several drugs to reboot her metabolism. She had gained weight during her stay. “Pagan, is that you? Why are you here? What happened?” I sat back in the uncomfortable chair that I had occupied for approximately seventy-two hours as she bombarded me with questions. “Yes, it is me and I’m here to make sure you’re okay. You went in to a minor coma from overdosing on laxatives and dehydration.” Her eyes glazed over as she recalled the previous events. I could just imagine the scene she would make when she found out about the weight she gained in the hospital. I secretly smiled to myself at the thought. “Thank you for being here.” Crystal tears fell down her face, shattering as they dropped off of her jaw. “It’s not a problem, believe me. All I want to know is how you could do this to me? You knew how much it meant to me.” My voice quivered with hurt as these words came out of my mouth. I almost lost. Riel’s mouth moved as she tried to find the right words, but nothing came out. “It’s okay Riel. I just don’t understand how you could do this to me.” I got up from my chair and walked out of the room, leaving Riel and everything else behind.

I pulled in to the grocery store parking lot and hurried in to the store. I grabbed the sort of foods that would disgust Liana and the laxatives that would burn. I threw money at the cashier, not worried about retrieving my change. I rushed home, praying that my mother wouldn’t be home.  Of course she wouldn’t be. She never was. I rushed up stairs and changed in to the ivory dress I had bought for the occasion. I pulled my hair back on to a tight chignon as I continuously filled my stomach with food and then laxatives. I rushed to the bathroom as the laxatives kicked in. I felt myself strengthen as the food left my system by force, not by choice.
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Suddenly it was black. I was flying off in to the darkness, away from the hurt and shame. I was finally leaving behind the disappointment of rolls and flab, going to join my muses in the shadows. I soared away from those who betrayed me, those who supported me and those who just didn’t care. I was free.