My Fallen Hero

Daddy,

I wanted to write my feelings about you down on paper, because I believe there are some things that you should know.  In a therapy session recently, I spoke of 'you were my hero', but in reality, you are "my fallen hero".  It is easy to sum up how I felt of you in those days long ago.  You were my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me on your valiant steed.  With a swoop of your sword you could fix anything.  You seemed to know everything and if not, knew what direction in which to point me.  You were stronger than anyone, physically, mentally, and I aspired to be like you in many ways.

In a moment, things changed drastically.  My hero had fallen, harshly, almost to the point of death.  It was at this time that I began to realize that my hero had a weakness.  Your armor hid the weakness well.  Not even your lifelong sweetheart knew what it was.  Your sweetheart and children were only yet about to know it.  I am sure you were panicking, desperately trying to put your armor back on, but it could not be worn ever again.  The armor was too dented and unable to be repaired.  The armor had to be placed in the attic, to become like so many other memories.

Without his armor, my hero began to show a side of him that scared us to the core.  Who was this man?  How did he keep himself from us?  Is that why things were the way they were?  Did he keep a facade going so none of us would know the real him?  My hero had become naked to us all.  He was weak and afraid of being alone.  This was nothing we had seen in my hero before the fall.  He was more emotional and freely cried.  Things like this were not known about my hero.  He was more childlike and even insecure.  Shock settled in as the family realized that my hero and the man before us were one and the same. 

Over months and years, the family tried to make sense of this in many ways.  Each of us trying to understand how the man before us was practically a stranger, yet we had known him all our lives.  My hero attempted to hide his real self from everyone, including his sweetheart.  Perhaps he did this because he felt like no one would love him, at least not the real him.  He had wrapped himself in work and made his name well known in his industry.  This gave him much worth.  He was a great knight and honored by many.  But alas, when my hero fell, his identity fell too.  He was torn and broken, just like he had been torn and broken much of his life.  With his identity gone, he had nothing but his family, his torn and brokenness, and insecurity left. 

I have often wondered, being who you are, if you don't blame yourself for the family having issues like we do now.  I know you strove to the point of insanity to work after you fell - to inject yourself back into the place where your identity was.  I know you were scared - scared of mom leaving, scared of being alone, scared of not being good enough, and scared of the brokenness.  But this is what I know.

You are my fallen hero.  The one who is still my daddy, still my children's papa, and still my husband's father-in-law.  You are still my mother's husband, my sister's and brother's father.  You have been there to help us with advice while growing up and now with adult life and other things.  You were a gentle loving heart with soft words that touched, reached, and encouraged me.  You still say things that can melt my heart and impact me in ways unimaginable.  You have shared stories with me since you fell that I cherish.  These were things I had wished you would have shared when I was little.  These stories are the things I cherish even more now.  Things I never knew about you.  Without the fall, I doubt these stories would have ever been told.  You are my fallen hero and even though you fell, I look up to you for having tried hard to pick up the pieces when you knew your memory wouldn't serve you correctly.  You may not have always been happy that you made it past your fall, but I am.  If you didn't, I wouldn't have learned some valuable lessons from you and some wonderful stories about your childhood.  I learned about the real you and for me that is simply priceless.

I have learned that all heroes have weaknesses, even if they don't seem like they do.  I have learned what it takes to get up and keep going, even though we want to throw in the towel.  I have learned that it is okay to be insecure, as you can still be a great person and infectious, especially to those who love you.  I have also learned about unconditional love and the fact that it loves no matter what or who a person really is.  I have learned that You are My Fallen Hero.  I love you, for now, and for always.

Your Daughter,
Dianah