Bad Poetry: A Dated Anthology

Gus

dot
gas
hot
gas
sun
gas
matter
gas
earth
gas
life
gas
man
gas
someone
open
a
window.

Table Tennis

Ping Pong
Whack Crack
Whip Tip
Out Shout
Lose Booze
Ill Kill
Bed Dead
Grave Brave
Wife Strife
O Kay
Kay, Husband I Love
-d.

Vince

Rinse your clothes well, that
Mince won’t wash out easy.
‘Tinse’ is how you would say tinsel if
Since 1994 they’d copyrighted the letter ‘l’.

Thursday

Thursday’s are ok.
Not much happens today.
Thursdays would be boring,
Had Thursday been today.
Thursday, unlike today,
Is like that Thursday the other week there.
You know? When thingy did that thing,
That made Thursday less boring than today.

Nettles

Oww if you touch,
Get a doken leaf.
Even though it relieves the pain,
You still get partial grief,
But not impartial advice,
From car insurers.
They say in the advertisements they’ll save us money.
Of that they assure us.
If you crash your car,
Distracted by whistling kettles.
If you crashed near a river and right outside your car door which you opened to leave the car was a certain plant,
The poem would return to nettles.

A Fervent Requirement

As I opened the door,
To the land of the proud.
I could help not but notice,
That my breathing was loud.
So I got an inhaler,
Got in an oxygen tent.
And that action somehow,
Fulfilled my fervent requirement.

The Best Poem In The History Of The World…Ever!

I met a man yesterday.
We talked.
He said that best poem in the history of the world…ever had to rhyme.
I slapped him.

Smoking Is Extremely Good For You

Smoking’s extremely good for you,
Although I’m not quite sure why.
But it is good for you I’m sure.
And I got told this information by…
Alfie the magical silver wonder-elf,
Last time I dropped acid which is much worse.

A Guide To Picking Your Next Hotel

The cheapest hotel is always the best,
The most worthwhile deal for you.
Cause if the food’s crap,
And there’s poo on the sheets,
It doesn’t matter, it costs the least.
And the money you saved,
For the quality you missed,
Can be spent on an endurance therapist!

Strange Summer Quaint Afternoon

“What is my problem with mentioning doctors?
Of some kind in each one of my poems?”
I told my therapist one day.
Of course I was lying,
Not every poem mentioned someone in the medical profession, but I was stuck for what to say.
What does that have to do with the title I might hear you ask, and you’d be right!

If I Was A Rich Male

If I was a rich male,
Lalalalalalalalala.
I’d have lots of money and a big house,
And all you not quite as rich males,
Would be wildly jealous of my money,
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.
And I could afford a doctor,
To rebuild my tongue,
After I wreck it from going,
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala
Too much and too fast.

Preposite Matter

Up town,
Up there,
Westlife,
I’m scared.
Left wings,
Left school,
Fifteen,
Not cool

If It Rhymes…

I like to sail,
Out on my boat.
A daddy sheep,
Is called a goat.
A goat he is,
And sheep he’s not.
Photocopiers,
Can get hot.
But only if,
They are left on.
A chess piece,
Is called a pawn.
A pawn it is,
And it moves one.
Faster than a jog,
Is a run.
But you can’t run,
Through fields of fat.
A baby oyster’s,
Called a spat!
Time goes slowly,
If your watch is wrong,
The greatest poem becomes,
The greatest song!

The Great Space Shuttle

The Great Space Shuttle,
Ready for launch
5…4…3…2…1…
The fuel line’s broken.
That’s too bad.
The astronauts are gone.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria

I
Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria in,
The eve of the screaming dawn.
He douses the flames with the greatest of ease,
He swings like an acrobat on the worn trapeze.
Six hours away is the time of his life,
But Galloping, Galloping Mr Praetoria,
Welcomes such threats.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria with,
Six hours to Terminal One.
He runs with such purpose that no-one dare touch.
He came out from nowhere believe they as such.
The love of his life is not by his side,
But Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria,
Hopes for the best.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria what will he do.
Spinning and whirling in concentric circles nobody’s predictions were true.
Undeniable strength of the Gods.
Unreliable, certainly not.
But the time left is pouring,
Like a horror story.
Away, Away, Away.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria still,
Continues incredible feats.
He ascends a mountain with a well sustained run.
He received a galaxy, expecting a sun.
And he looks back on all this while he waits for the end.
But Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria,
Remains composed.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria and,
His dream is somewhere else.
He takes on 10 lions with his lightest of roars.
He is warmed by the heat of the earth’s very core.
He is alone as all pathways converge.
But Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria,
Has his life flash before his eyes.

Galloping, Galloping Mr. Praetoria he asked never for anything more.
He deserved so much yet asked for so little and now he is lying on the floor.
Time is up. Time is up. Time is up.
He repeats to the end.


II
What’s this?
Eyes opening to a flicker of light,
Warming the cold bones to time all over again.

When’s now?
The sun is shining.
Trees around shed their red, brown, green leaves.

Where’s here?
There are distant hills,
Carpeted in damp, dewy grass reminiscent of April showers.

Who’s this?
A woman approaches.
She whispers ‘You are safe now. Do not fear’

A man.
Rather unremarkable.
Lying on the damp grass.

Adjacent is a gate.
Unseen to the unremarkable man.
Lying on the damp grass.

Beyond the said gate.
Is just what is beyond the gate.
Indescribable and unreachable.

The man turns to face the woman.
‘Where am I’
He says in a hoarse, throaty voice.

Hush kind sir.
You need not know where you are.
It is only important that you are happy wherever you are situated.
And happiness is what you shall be gifted throughout your stay.

The woman led the man,
Beyond the distant hills.
So far as not to be able to see the gate he didn’t know existed.

And what the man saw was to his eyes,
Incredible.
A ‘cloud castle’.

And the clouds sang,
In immaculate unison


III
Brevito, Brevity,
We’re happy as can be.
I like you you like me,
It’s perfect can’t you see.
See the sky,
See the trees,
Hear the words on our lips,
Perfect harmony.

Have to go, Have to be,
You’re absolutely free.
Free to smile, Free to see,
It works so perfectly.
You will stay you won’t leave,
There is everything you want,
Perfect harmony.

Who am I?
You are happy!
Where is this?
Just be happy!
Who are you?
We are happy!
This is the place of your dreams!
Everything is as it seems!
Now sleep.

IV

Ten years have passed,
The strong man has broke,
Life is now past,
But we meet the unremarkable bloke.

A woman in a low cut top approaches.
‘Can I help sir?’ she says.
‘Piss off!!’ screams the man.

(Unfinished, though I like the ending as it stands rather.)