The Essence of Fatherhood

When I sat down to think about how to express my feelings on Father’s day, the first impulse I had was definitional. I need to set a common foundation, and make sure you know exactly what I mean when I thank you.

Father [fah-ther] - noun - A male parent.

Thank you for being a biological father. This isn’t something I can say to a lot of people, but that’s not the only reason I don’t really say it very often. It’s also a bit strange to be grateful that the sperm carrying half of my genetic information was able to survive an extremely selective screening process, combine with my mother's egg, and create the mysteriously conscious and squishy being that I now know as myself.

So, really, if I thanked you for siring me in ancestral terms, I wouldn’t really be thanking you at all - I’d be thanking one of your cells instead. And that doesn’t really seem adequate. Let’s try something else.

Father [fah-ther] - noun - A title of respect for an elderly man.

Maybe more applicable than it used to be , but still not what I’m looking for.

Father [fah-ther] - noun - A priest.

Next.

Father [fah-ther] - noun - A man who exercises paternal care over other persons.

There we go. Thank you for being a relational father. If “paternal care” has anything to do with providing for a family or taking sincere and meaningful interest in the lives of your offspring, I can definitely call you father. This is the second - and arguably more applicable - part of the definition that I want to present, and the one I want to emphatically thank you for fulfilling. Following a string of causality too complicated to completely deduce, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be the person that I am today if it wasn’t for your parenting and your example. Thank you.

In all of this, the supreme existential mystery - the weird part - of fatherhood is that it cannot be regarded as only relational or only biological. In our culture, a father is not merely defined by what he creates with his seed. That part we understand pretty well. In addition to that, a father is not merely defined by whom he cares for. For instance, a man can love his brother with all sorts of “paternal care,” but most people wouldn’t define him as a father. Within American culture, it seems as though true fatherhood lies in a strange codependence between biological connection and relational duty, both important and both necessary.

In that light, you unknowingly stepped into one of the most unique opportunities available to man: a biologically and relationally specific position. You needed to both sire a child and raise it with love. And I’d say you did a “bang-up” job, biological pun not necessarily intended.