I don't believe in anything...

I don’t believe in anything if you’re not with me

It was one of those typical days in fall in New Jersey. Rainy and dark, simply unpleasant.
“Oh well, two hours to go for weekend,” Sean moaned. As a senior physician he had a lot of work to do every single day and extra hours in hospital were nothing unusual for him.
“Mr. Molony to sickroom A123, please.”
“Mr. Molony to sickroom A098, please.”
“Mr Molony to sickroom A012,please.”
Friday’s last two hours in hospital were always the worst. Time was crawling. But after, it was finally time to go home.
When Sean came home it was always the same routine:
Switch on the TV.
Grab a beer out of the fridge.
Order some food.
Wait for the food.
Door bell rings.
Answer the bell.
Pay the food.
Watch TV.
Get drunk.
He could not live without alcohol. Killing the pain was his aim, but it always came back the day after.
Nevertheless Sean did not want to stop and went on till he fell asleep.
On Saturday he usually woke up around 11am to write a letter to his sister.
“Dear Lauren,
I hope you are doing fine on the Emerald Isle. You haven’t replied for a long time. Anyway, I’m fine and work at hospital isn’t too bad. I’m sorry that it was me who stole your job. Mom and Dad wanted me to. I had no choice. Please, forgive me.
Drop me a line.
Yours,
Sean”
After he finished writing the letter he threw it into the fireplace. He always did that. What else was he supposed to do? Last time he saw Sarah was fifteen years ago in a little village near Macroom, Ireland. Then she left him and his parents and never returned. She ran away from home.
Sarah used to be everything to him in his childhood. A playfellow, a person to talk to and of course, his sister. She was quite smart and wanted to become a doctor, but their parents only cared about Sean’s education. Sarah was fed up and ran away. A life as housewife did not suit her at all.
The questions afflicted Sean every day:
Was it my fault?
Should I have talked to my parents?
Where is she now?
Is she still alive?
Ever since Sarah ran away Sean wanted to become a doctor and work in the US. He wanted to live Sarah’s dream, wanted to make her happy. Although inside his heart he knew it was not about making her happy. It was about erasing his bad conscience.
Writing letters to Sarah and burning them afterwards was some kind of ritual. “Forgive me”, “No choice”,“Drop me a line”. These phrases were in every letter. The rest varied.
“Ok, let’s see if she will reply this time. Time to watch some TV.”
Switch on the TV.
Open the fridge.
Grab a beer.
Enjoy the weekend.
Beepbeepbeepbeep. Monday, 5am. It was time to get up. Sean usually went into the bathroom first and started a conversation with the mirror which had a picture of Garfield on it.
“I have to admit, I like you in some way. You hate Mondays, so do I. Still, we have to go to work! And only five days of work to go for weekend. Ain’t that nice?”
He went on talking till he was dressed up and went to the kitchen for some breakfast.
Rashers with black and white pudding. Traditional Irish breakfast.
“Time to leave. See ya Garfield!” The door closed and the apartment started to fill with silence.
Once again it seemed to be a busy day again. Like every single day in hospital, but that Monday it was different. Sean met an inpatient named Amy. She was a runaway. Looking nearly like Sarah.
“Why are you here Amy?”
“Pneumonia.”
“Living on the streets in fall is not good for your health. It’s cold and gloomy. And in winter it will be even worse.”
“I know it ain’t good for me. Though, I don’t want to go back home. My parents hate me. They are too busy supporting my sister’s model career. There’s no time for me, so why should I stay with them? I’m just a burden for them.”
Sean was mute. He had to think about his childhood and how his parents treated Sarah. It was exactly the same. Well, it was not about a model career, but nevertheless, Sarah and Amy had to deal with the same bad situation.
Sean caught his breath:
“Amy. Never give up. You’re a strong girl. I know you will get better soon!”
Without saying goodbye he left the room.
Sarah. She might be dead. Pneumonia can be lethal if nobody medicates it.
He was not able to think clearly the rest of the day. Insecurity and pain filled his heart.
As a senior physician it was quite easy to get some calmatives. Needless to say that it was not allowed to just take some medicaments for yourself if you felt like it. But Sean did not care. He had to feel better. Furthermore alcohol did not really help anymore and people would have noticed if he went to work reeking of alcohol.
The medicine chest opened. A paradise of calmatives. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. “Morphine..hm..no better not. Seriously who needs all that stuff anyway. Ah there we got it. Valium. We got enough of that. Nobody gonna notice if I take some packs away.”
Finally home. Sean closed the front door and threw his keys on the couch.
Switch on the TV
Pop a pill.
Open the fridge.
Grab a beer.
Little did he know that the effect of Valium becomes even stronger combined with alcohol. As a senior physician he should have known. Neither did he care, nor did he want to pass his beer after work.
Sean felt dizzy and hardly reached the bed.
Before going to the bathroom the morning after he had to pop a pill.
Garfield even replied that morning in the bathroom.
“So you’ve got a bad headache?”
“Ye, it’s pretty bad.”
“I know how to cure it.”
“How? Tell me, please.”
“Well, first you have to make lil’ Garfield happy!”
“Sure. What do ya want?”
“Take a pill!”
“I’ve already taken one before going to the bathroom.”
“Only one? Only one for you, I guess. I’m sad. Sometimes you can be so selfish. Take one for me, too!”
“I can’t.”
“And I can’t cure your headache. Too bad.”
“Ok, ok. Gimme a min.”
Sean automatically went to the kitchen to pop another pill. He felt better. Garfield was right, wasn’t he? He was sure he had to take two pills every morning: For him and for Garfield. There was no doubt.
Days passed and Sean kept talking to Garfield.
“You know why you’re so fat?”
“Tell me Sean.”
“You are a lasagna-addict! A junkie!”
“Yes, you have to help me Sean.”
“But how?”
“Well, if you took one more pill, I wouldn’t be hungry anymore!”
That game went on and on for weeks. Sean’s co-workers noticed that he was changing, but he always said he was fine. Some problems with his parents, nothing big.
On a Thursday Sean got a call from Ryan Smith, a senior physician from Dublin. Sean and Ryan both studied in London and used to be good friends.
“Hey Sean. Ryan here.”
“Oh, hey Ryan. What’s up?”
“Sarah Molony. That’s the name of your sister, isn’t it?”
“Yep.”
“Ok Sean, listen. Today a woman named Sarah Molony came into hospital. It might be her.”
“Sarah…It must be her. I have to see her!”
Sean hung up and booked a flight ticket to Dublin. He was quite lucky. He could get a ticket for the next day. That was the longest night of his life. Time did not pass at all and Garfield was just talking trash.
“If you take a pill, time will pass faster and your sister will get better again!
Hey Sean, what’s up? Just do it!”
Sean knew he had to stop. If it wasn’t for him, it was for Sarah, therefore he smashed the mirror and broke down. His hand bled, but he did not care. His hope to meet Sarah again was stronger than any pain.
6.45am. Time to go to the airport.
“The Valium…gonna take it with me, just in case I need a pill.”
Right after Sean entered the airplane he felt weird. He started to twitch. What was wrong with his body? His body cried for Valium. Sean started to understand: It was not Garfield who wanted him to take the pills. His body wanted to.
The twitching got worse. Sean got up and went to the toilet, but something in there hindered him to pop another pill. Instead he threw them into the toilet and flushed.
“Thanks Sarah.”
After seven hours Sean arrived in Dublin and took the shortest way to hospital.
“Could you tell me please where Sarah Molony is?”
“She’s in room P192”
“Thanks!”
Nervousness came up. Is it her? If it is her: Will she talk to him? Will she ignore him?
Sean knocked on the door and carefully opened the door . He could not believe it. It was her. He finally found her.
“Sarah…It’s you? I can’t believe it…Sarah…”
Tears filled his eyes and he was speechless, but the person in the bed did not reply.
Sean’s feet slowly approached the bed.
“Please, talk to me, please!”
The person’s eyes were closed.
“Please…Sarah! Please, I’m sorry for what has happened. I should have talked to Mom and Dad. I know I didn’t. But please, forgive me! I thought I could change things if I became a doctor in the US. I wanted to live your dream. I hoped to make you happy, but…forgive me Sarah…”
Her eyes slightly opened:
“It’s ok Sean. It’s ok. It wasn’t your fault. I love you. You are the best brother I ever had.”
Then the eyes closed again and the cardiograph beeped. The sound was just as horrible as his alarm clock. A nightmare. His tears ran all over the bed. Sean cried, shouted,cursed. His whole world collapsed. Finally he had found her and then she left him again.
“How can God do this to me? Why her?
Sarah..You’ll always be inside my heart.”