Rabbit Tales 2

Before I can tell you about how the rabbit discovered his true identity as the new Easter rabbit I will have to introduce you to two more characters in this epic tale. One of them you should have already heard of: Michael MacMockington aka The Pharmacist. Michael works for the S.W.I.P.E. (Seriously Weird Investigators [with] Prolonged Existence) team, a branch of the S.W.A.T. team. Michael as you know was living in the 1890s and was stationed at the pharmacy. (Which is used for storage of confiscated items and is Michaels preferred lookout, as he is the S.W.I.P.E. teams Pharmacist as well as a field agent)? When he heard rumours of a planned grave robbing he was put on the case and told to investigate it and any further plans surrounding it. Michael new the planned date of the grave robbing and arranged to ambush the participants but was sidetracked by a huge drug bust and needed to help with the storage of the millions of pills, somebody else was put on the grave robbing case but was unable to stop it.

I will have to tell you more about The Pharmacist later but now I will tell of the first few weeks after the rabbit’s arrival in New York, 2008. The rabbit jumped out of the supposed time machine, which was now surrounded by garbage, they were in a junkyard; the rabbit didn’t know whether Fred’s lab was replaced by the junkyard or if the time machine had been brought to it but the rabbit didn’t care, it was just glad that it was safe away from those fire-wielding villagers.
“Look it’s a lost little giant bunny rabbit”, said an advancing voice.
“Yeah, we better bring it in”, said another person also coming closer. The two people stood in front of the rabbit and then one of them threw a net with weights on the ends over the rabbit. The rabbit looked through the net at the impound workers dumfounded. He was wondering why they were expecting the net to hold him and why had they called him a rabbit. The rabbit unaware that he was a rabbit started cursing the impound workers but found that he was unable to speak any English, he never was very good at speaking but in this case all that came out of his mouth was a frantic rabbit noise. His fretful curiosity turned to anger as he watched his captors look at him with a weird adoration; when he finished gnawing through the net he jumped through the hole and attacked using his long sabre like teeth; there were no survivors. He looked down at the fallen impound workers and as he did he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a puddle made by petrol and various alcohols. He looked at his bloodied teeth, white fur and long outstretched ears. He wandered what could have happened when he saw the stitching around his forehead, it all made sense, he then understood, he himself had heard of Fred’s plans and had seen a photo of him. The rabbit realised he must have been the one Fred dug up. You may think that someone who had just found out that they had been brought back from the dead only to be put back into the body of a rabbit (besides Buddhists) would be quite annoyed but in the case of this newly-discovered-to-be-rabbit; he like the Buddhists was incredibly accepting. He was also happy to realise due to his cute cuddliness he could now lure people into a false sense of security. With this knowledge he bounded of in the direction of New York City.

The ‘Rabbit of Doom’ was all over the news; in the New York Times, in the New York Post even CNN had the story of the rampaging rabbit of New York, who brought doom and destruction wherever it went. The people had welcomed the rabbit with open arms but died with open skulls and now they are mad, this isn’t your run of the mill serial killing rabbit this one is bent on total and complete destruction of the entire free world, it wants the slaving of every human in the world and to be the supreme leader of Earth. And that’s where the second new character comes in.

Robert Zeldermeir had just got home from a long, tiresome day of doing whatever it is that a chiropractor does (seeing that he is a chiropractor) so he was in real need of “some unwinding” as his boss would tell him (Rob could get a bit crazy sometimes; with violent outbursts and the likes). But besides from that Robert was like most New Yorkers; liked to watch the news and owned a Soviet AK-47 machinegun in his garage. He sat down and turned on the TV.
“There has been a massive explosion today in downtown New York, thousands have been reported dead”, recounted the newsreader in her usual gleeful smile. “The infamous Rabbit of Doom has struck again; he planted explosives in the UFGRA building, millions were killed. If you had loved ones in this building the police suggest that you seek revenge; blood-thirsty, mercy-void revenge”. That’s when Robert turned the TV off, “Albert... Albert”, he murmured to himself, “he was working there... and... and that means that he’s... dead. My only friend... and taken so young”. His surprised angst soon turned to angry resolve as he decided to take the newsreaders advice; he was going to get his revenge; his blood-soaked and merciless revenge... on this bunny rabbit. He grabbed his machinegun and set off to down town New York. On the way out of his house he ran into his next door neighbour. “Hey, where you goin’,” asked his neighbour in his annoying Australian accent.
“My best friend was killed by an evil rabbit so I’m going to go get my revenge and shoot it in the head repeatedly with my machine gun until it falls to the ground bleeding to the death”, reported Robert all in one breath as he attempted to brush past him and avoid conversation. He reached out to the door of his car but he was averted at the last moment. “Doncha know that it’s wrong to take revenge on animals”, the neighbour preached, “That’s the whole point of Moby Dick”.
“Moby Dick’s an idiot”, Robert yelled as he got into his car and drove off. The neighbour watched him go, fretting for his safety as he went to face the rabbit.

“Humph, Moby Dick; just because the guy couldn’t kill that whale, doesn’t mean that I should shun away from getting my revenge,” Robert told himself indignantly, “well actually he might have killed the whale actually I’m not even sure who any of the characters are or what they were doing, maybe I should read it one day”. When he got to the charred remains of the UFGRA building he stopped, the rabbit should be near. Robert got out of his car taking out his AK-47, “Time for Revenge”.

“Agent Michael MacMockington reporting for duty”, Michael announced as he entered the secret underground headquarters of SWIPE.
“Ah Michael, come into my office,” said the SWIPE Commander as he greeted Michael at the door, “It’s been a long time but I’ve got you a case”. While Michael and the Commander walked to the office, Michael’s knees clicked as they do; maybe from his age or from his inner mechanical skeleton hitting together every time he took a step. When they got to the Commanders office the Commander got out a bunch of case files and put them on his desk. “I’m putting you on the case of this ‘Rabbit of Doom’ as the media would call it, the rabbit that has somehow single-pawed destroyed a large portion of New York and this agency isn’t going to take it any longer; it is now your job to eliminate this rabbit, using any means necessary”. The Commander walked right in front of Michael looking into his artificial eyes, “The city of New York and in fact the whole country perhaps the entire world is depending on you”.
“But Commander, why put me on this case, I haven’t been on active duty since the late 1890s, why bring me back now”. The Commander turned away dramatically, looking out his windows. “One hundred and fourteen years ago, before I was born, a natural human birth, you were assigned to a case at the time it didn’t seem very significant but...”
“Yes I remember that case,” Michael recalled, interrupting the Commander, “it was case number 334/511936812/93, code SIHR5783, my five thousand-one hundred and fifty-sixth case, eighty-ninth in that time period and as I recall my penultimate; one that I did not fulfil”.
“It was the grave-robbing of an unnamed serial killer,” informed the Commander, “the perpetrators were a man named Fro ob De and another named Eagor Barrington, neither were ever caught, intelligence from that era suggest that they were the creators of the Rabbit of Doom and according to regulation code 3967; ‘if an agent is assigned to a case they must stay with it, and any case surrounding it, until it is permanently closed’”.
“But Commander, how could a mere SWIPE agent like me face the infamous Rabbit of Doom?” asked Michael unsure.
“Michael, I’m giving you a partner, meet the newly-appointed Commissioner; Jacques Pen Guinn,” the Commander introduced as he stepped back to let Jacques emerge from a hidden back door behind his desk, Jacques was a large, robust penguin, not currently carrying his signature weapons, he wore a black mask over his eyes. “Jacques is a genetically and intellectually enhanced; he has the ability to mimic words and can incorporate them into his own meaning; giving him the ability to speak in any language”.
“Agent MacMockington,” addressed Jacques, “it is a pleasure to finally meet you. I swear to you that together we will arrest and put to justice this evil, murderous rabbit; for I have never failed an assignment and I have caught over two-hundred and fifty criminals. In my artillery I am equipped with a poison-producing blade, a high-magnifying scope sniper shotgun and a newly-developed super-light mega-machinegun with heat-seeking missiles. I am also carrying a jetpack as the genetic modifications done by the scientists of this agency were unable to give me flight”. The Commander stepped up to Michael and handed him a strange looking handgun “You will head out in the morning at 0900 Zulu and face the rabbit head on. Our intelligence informs us that the rabbit has planned an early attack on Time Square, you to, and several other Swipe agents, will be there first to ambush him. Remember this rabbit is extremely dangerous; there may only be one of him but our intelligence has also told of the rabbit building an army, so expect nothing”.

“I’ve got you!” yelled Robert as he fired ten rounds of machinegun at a rabbit, “This is for my friend”. When he was done mutilating the rabbit with streams of ammo he went in for an inspection of the rabbit. “You’re not so tough, wait a minute, aren’t you meant to be five foot tall but you just look like a normal rabbit”. He paused realising it was the wrong rabbit, “Oh no, what have I done”.

The real Rabbit of Doom was resting in his burrow, watching his TV; marvelling at the destruction he had caused. “The rabbit of doom has struck yet again destroying the rest of downtown New York,” reported the same newsreader that told Robert that his friends building was destroyed, “All that remains there is burnt down buildings and a dead rabbit that is not the Rabbit of Doom. The New York Police Department has issued a report to the media that the Rabbit of Doom is building an army and is planning an attack on Time Square early tomorrow morning”. The rabbit turned off the TV. “Elbert… Elbert… my friend… the rabbit found at downtown New York... someone killed him”. His shocked anguish quickly changed to angry resolve as he decided to take the news readers advice and build an army to attack Town Square early tomorrow morning. In this way he could take revenge on humanity as a whole. “I don’t know where they got the idea that I was planning to build an army and attack Town Square early tomorrow morning but I like it”.

The Rabbit of Doom spent the next fourteen hours gather a small group of rabbits to be a part of his army; some were reluctant to go to war, after the recruit the Rabbit of Doom had about fifty rabbits and they were all ready to die for their cause. They would all migrate to Time Square at nine o’clock in the morning, the Rabbit of Doom strapped bombs to the rabbits because they couldn’t hold any weaponry and he was only going to use them if all else fails; they would all bounce into Time Square and that’s where the Rabbit of Doom would fire all arms blazing at any human he sees and he will stay there for twelve hours until nearly everyone in New York is dead.

The first at Time Square was Robert, who had gone there as soon as he heard the news report. He waited for several hours until Jacques and Michael arrived. “Who the hell are you?” exclaimed Robert to Michael, “and what are you doing with a penguin in a jetpack”.
“I’m not just any penguin in a jetpack, I’m Commissioner Jacques Pen Guinn of SWIPE, and you shall address me likewise”. Jacques barked in reply angrily as he stepped in front of Michael staring disdainfully at Robert, “Now civilian, if you would kindly step aside, this area is being blocked off, as we have reason to believe that there is going to be a… err… terrorist attack. Please leave this area”. Robert put his machinegun to the penguins head, “I’m here for the Rabbit of Doom, he killed my friend and anyone who gets in the way of my revenge will die in a similar manner as the rabbit”. Robert stepped forward, his hand ready on his gun holster, “It seems we have a mutual enemy,” said Michael, “Maybe we should join forces”. Jacques and Robert looked at each other; “Mmm, no”, they said at the same time. “That’s against regulations anyway,” said Jacques, “We are not allowed to bring civilians into a SWIPE operation”. Just as Robert was about to say something about him being more than a mere civilian, Michael heard a small stampede coming their way. Lead by a dominant Rabbit of Doom was an army of bunny rabbits charging head on into their enemies. “Take no prisoners”, the Rabbit of Doom commanded as he pulled a rocket launcher from around his back.
This may not have been the first time the Rabbit of Doom’s actual eyes fell on The Pharmacist but it was the first time the evil brain inside the rabbit saw the image registered by those eyes. The Pharmacist was a strange looking man; light brown hair stuck out at odd angles like a shrub, blue seemingly florescent eyes looking like the iris is coloured by an electronic light at the back of the eye, his smile seemed painted on as he commanded the rabbit to stand down and surrender himself. And his teeth and skin seemed like they had never changed but most peculiar of all was his clothing; black and green bowling shoes, green pants, black jacket of a strange, shiny looking material and a black and white striped shirt with a matching tie the stripes of both going horizontally. The stipes of the tie were aligned with the stipes of the shirt, however the colours on the tie were opposite to those of the shirt creating a checkerboard effect. The clothes he was wearing obviously weren’t from the present but neither were they from the past.

The Rabbit of Doom soon changed his attention to Robert, who was firing rapidly at the rabbits army, several of his men fell. Some of the rabbits were jumping high into the sky and propelling themselves towards Robert, but Robert fought valiantly to keep them at bay until one reached his arm and bit hard into it making him drop his weapon. More of the rabbits started jumping onto him, he was trapped under a pile of furry bunnies, all seemed lost. But that was when Michael took action, while Jacques was keeping the Rabbit of Doom occupied by taunting it and then unexpectedly flying out of the way of the rocket that was launched at him by the Rabbit of Doom’s rocket launcher. Michael took out his weapon and fired it at the pile of rabbits. A blue blanket of light engulfed them and they were gone; all that was left was Robert lying, bleeding slightly, among small clumps of rabbit fur. “I killed them,” yelled Robert, “I am all powerful”. He moved to face the currently grounded Rabbit of Doom and told Jacques to step back as he had super powers. He put his hands in front of his face moving them around as if he was trying to defend himself from animals attacking his face “It’s not working, the Rabbit of Doom is meant to disintegrate, like with the other rabbits”. The Rabbit of Doom just stared blankly at Robert and then he decided to end Robert’s embarrassing floundering – so the rabbit shot a rocket into his hands which were still moving in front of his face; blowing his head off. You might say that not the brightest bulb in the chandelier just went out, but I wouldn’t say it as it sounds corny. Suddenly a person neither Michael nor Jacques nor the Rabbit of Doom knew. “Robert… Robert”, the man murmured to himself, “he’s lying there… and… and that means he’s… dead. My only friend… and taken so young”. His stunned sorrow soon turned to… never mind you probably know what I’m getting at. “Is this your doing?” Albert asked the Rabbit of Doom angrily, “Do you know what you did; bad bunny rabbit. Look what you did, look what you did”. He continued to scold the rabbit until the Rabbit of Doom fired a rocket into Robert’s scowling face; blowing his head off. The rabbit of Doom then bounced off unpursued by Michael or Jacques who just stood there blankly, shocked by the stupidity of the two humans they had encountered. “No wonder these humans need our help,” commented Jacques.
“All I did was use my Ultra-Concentrated-Radioactive-Solar-Powered-Laser-Projector-Gun with DNA-specific-affect set to rabbit,” said Michael, “I don’t know what that guy was doing; I think he might have been repeating what he did while he was trapped under the pile of rabbits, he must have thought that blocking he face was what made the rabbits disintegrate”.
“What I don’t understand is who that other guy was,” said Jacques taking his turn to voice his confusion.
“I think he might be Robert’s friend that Robert thought had died in a building that the Rabbit of Doom had blown up and had sworn to avenge. I don’t think he was really dead”.
“Well he is now,” said Jacques bluntly, “Wait a minute, how did you know all that?”

“Mission report”, barked the Commander as Michael and Jacques stood in front of his desk. Jacques opened his mouth to start reading from his written mission report but the Commander didn’t let him and cut in saying “Two people dead, no Rabbit of Doom, I can’t call that a success”.
“Well in the report I did write that it was in fact a failure,’ reported Jacques taking his opportunity, “as we were unable to take the rabbit into custody, but looking on the bright side I also wrote that we were able to impede the Rabbit of Doom from harming the millions of people that would have been expected if we weren’t there”. The Commander stood up and walked out from behind his desk and started pacing back and forth in front of his agents. “I hope you’re not acting as the heroes here. I expect better from you Jacques; and Michael I expect better from of you as well. But I guess your right it wasn’t a complete failure, your next assignment will be tomorrow. You are dismissed; report back tomorrow at 0700. And remember your no heroes”.

“New York praises its heroes Jacque Pen Guinn and Michael MacMockington”, read the newspaper in the newspaper stand at the front oof the newsagents next to the graveyard where the dual-funeral for both Albert and Robert was being held, it was a fairly traditional and pretty boring funeral and it was also, surprisingly, an open-casket funeral which was surprising as both of the people being laid to rest had their heads blown off from their bodies, but at least the undertakers were able to piece Roberts head back together and put it next to his body in the coffin; Albert was not so lucky. Robert and Albert were not workmates they had met through other means so there were no mutual friend of both Robert and Albert and frankly there were no friends of either of them at all; the only people that showed up at the funeral were a guy who had gone to the wrong graveyard and decided to stay anyway, a woman who said she knew Robert from Kindergarten, a strange man that spends all of his day going to every funeral in New York and Albert’s son who had been dropped off by his mother and Albert’s ex-wife who then drove off and told her son that she would be back in an hour, unfortunately the funeral only went for twenty minutes as the only people to make a speech were the priest and the obsessive-funeral-goer. Frankly seeing for myself, as I stood in the background watching the proceedings I would say that it was quite sad, not because of the death itself but the life that ended with this strange and uncommon death; it didn’t seem like there was anything significant nor any befriending done by either of them, the only friends that either of them had were each other, but is that enough, can two people get on only having a single companion and have everyone else in the world either having a strong dislike for you or just complete indifference? Neither of these people seemed like they actually thought about any of it but now that they’re both dead they now can finally be separated from the world that it was so hard for them to fit into.

The aftermath of the events in Time Square for the Rabbit of Doom was a lot like the aftermath for the other two groups of people. He was also at a group-funeral and he was also being told off, he and the parents of the rabbit that died in battle, by Michael’s laser-projector gun, were all gathering in a large burrow known as the Burial Burrow were all the rabbits from New York are buried. All that the Rabbit of Doom was able to give the grieving parents was several clumps of fur and for one luckier parent he was able to give a set of large front teeth. The angst parents had reason to be angry at the Rabbit of Doom, he told the yelling parent that they were mere casualties of war and there death was of no significance, this as would guess, in no way subdued the parents anger at the Rabbit of Doom. After the burial the parents left the Rabbit of Doom alone with his thoughts and schemes. He thought about how he would now need to take over the world on his own. Nobody to get his back during battle, but it didn’t matter it wasn’t even in the original plan to include an army, he thought how he could do it all on his own, “I don’t need them,” he told himself, “They would just drag me down anyway”.

A few seconds later he exited the Burial Burrow and hopped back to his own burrow to plan his next move. When he got there he turned on his TV to see if there was any report about his attack, if anybody even noticed his costly attack on Time Square, if everybody is still afraid of him; he was stunned as he heard the newsreader’s report that the fear was dwindling. “New York thanks its heroes; special agents Commissioner Jacques Pen Guinn and Michael MacMockington of a secret agency that’s name we will not be able to divulge,” the news reader read this time with what must have been a genuine smile unlike her usual fake smile, “these heroes saved the city from the Rabbit of Doom today, they prevented the rabbit from harming anybody during his attack on Time Square, there was not a single person killed or even injured which is a large success for the agents. Myself and the rest of the news team and I’m sure the entire city of New York thank you Jacques and Michael and we all feel much safer that now New Yorks best are on the case of the Rabbit of Doom and that the rabbit will soon be brought to justice”. The newsreader finished her report and the Rabbit of Doom turned the TV off. “I killed two people,” he squeaked angrily to himself, “Nothing’s good enough for these people; I have to kill tens of thousands of people for them to think that I’m a threat, I just can’t do it every day. Next time I’ll kill more people, they’ll all see how dangerous I am, especially that cop and his pet, they’ll see my wrath most of all, even that laser-pointer won’t be enough to stop me”, the rabbit finished his rant and went to sleep.