selling out

i've become such a cliche. have i sold out? the last thing i was living my life to become was a wife; and certainly not a housewife. but i'm not a housewife, i'm me. my mother made a comparison of my sister and i when we were younger. she said, "your sister is the kind of girl guys want to have a good time with. you're the kind of girl they want to marry." son-of-a-bitch. was that a compliment? because it sure didn't feel like one. great so not only is my sister tall and gorgeous but she's more fun than i am too? great. my future is looking very bright. honestly, that's the last thing an insecure teenage girl wants to hear. even though i've been fortunate enough to find the one, the last thing i wanted out of life was to be someone that someone wants to marry. that was not what i was aspiring to which probably explains why i never went out with very many guys. well, that and the fact that i'm an imperious asshole. i don't want to be seen as anything by any guy, except of course as an irresistible temptress. but i've seen what marriage can be and i didn't want to get cheated on so that wasn't a compliment.

and how utterly embarrassing it was when one of my friends from college said that she wasn't surprised that i got pregnant. and then when we were talking about what i would do with myself when both of my boys were in school, she went on to compare me to other stay-at-home mothers who normally become teachers. of course! what the hell else would i do. or when my mother tells me that i'm reliving her life. what is she saying exactly, that i have divorce and infidelity in my future or what? should i take that personally? should i expect to revolve my life around my children? just because i've become a mother and a wife, not to suggest that they were imposed upon me, does it mean that i now have to abandon everything that i once dreamed about? how tragic. am i just another cliche or am i living my own life?

i think that it is possible to include my children's lives in my own hopes and dreams. now i have more hopes and dreams. isn't it quite possible that, even though there are a lot of things that are similar between my mother and i, i still have my own attitude towards my life, my marriage, my own faith, and my own hopes? and even though i'm a "stay-at-home" mom, i might still be me?

indeed, i have become the Pottery Barn catalogue looking, once upon a time party girl, suburban living, solitaire playing, recipe searching, birthday cake baking, aquarium visiting, SUV driving, grocery shopping, milk buying cliche. thank God my husband didn't opt for a minivan! i mentioned that one day and much to my horror he says, "what's wrong with minivans?" is he kidding me? then again if i had one i would drive it and be no less thankful for it. i have something to care about besides myself now. i have a life. and with all of the humor and joys - the losing teeth, the soccer games, the soccer practices, the field trips, the kindergarten graduations, the very first day of school - that marriage and my own family have brought into my life i still have things to look forward to. now the 'more' in the more-than-enough is taken care of. i have people to share my dreams with. they make things more interesting. who knew sharing did that? between marriage and children, i've never cared so much about anything. i wouldn't have it any other way. well...