When An Angel Touches You

When An Angel Touches You

It is sometimes not easily recognized when an angel touches you, how deeply that touch reaches inside of you and grows over time. Such is the case with one of my angels, how he touched me in my life. I met this angel about thirty years ago, I was a bit frightened by his physical appearance. He suffered from a condition that caused his nose to become enlarged and reddened. This condition has a medical term, it is known as rhinophyma. My angel had met most of the criteria associated with this affliction. He was middle aged, of Irish descent, white and alcoholic. I have tried to remember exactly when we met but I am not sure of the day or date. I do remember looking at him in my usual judgmental way and being afraid of his physical appearance.

My angel was not the kind that one sees in paintings, in churches or in bibles or text books. My angel was a simple man with all the flaws that humans can possess. He was that and so much more. The cauliflower nose my angel once possessed had been surgically repaired sometime in the late nineteen eighties. Not that he resembled any of the angels I had seen in books or churches as a child but it was a vast improvement over the previous condition he had endured.

My angel was eighty two years old when he was called home. He touched the lives of thousands of people in our mutually shared fellowship. Those touched by him touched the lives of thousands of others in return. What a privilege to have known him, to have called him my friend. It was over the last seven years that we had become close. Previously he was a friend that I saw on a regular basis in the smoke filled rooms of church basements or on camping retreats in the spring and fall where we would share a good laugh, perhaps enjoy a bawdy joke or just sit quietly with each other and watch the rest of the activity around us. My angel used to refer to our fellowship as “the greatest show on earth”. It is truly an alcoholic thing to be able to laugh at the egregious and tragic things that we did before we recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. That was the common bond between my angel and I. Oh, there were others who also touched me in my life. I am particularly grateful to Malcolm and Frank who were the first to reach out to me and help change my life. This angel was different though, he saved my life by a simple set of words. Words that carried the power to literally save my life and change my whole attitude and outlook on life once again.

I had made a decision about 15 years or so ago to step away from a fellowship that I loved and was very active in. There were numerous reasons for my behavior or so I thought. I blamed it on having a family to raise, a job that required all of my attention, the pursuit of success, money and prestige. These things were part of my problem but not all of it. The basis for my departure was shame and guilt. I had participated in personal behavior that did not conform with “practicing these principles in all of my affairs”. Simply put I could not look my peers in the eyes, I was afraid and ashamed because of what I had done. Selfishness and self serving were truly understatements in regards to my behavior. What I had done was my deep dark secret, although many of our mutual friends knew and gossip became rampant.

The tricky part for me was I knew that it was wrong. Yet I was powerless over my own defects of character, personal desires and ego. The guilt and shame overwhelmed me and I stepped away. It was a subtle thing at first and not a momentous decision for me to make. I simply stepped back into the shadows and out of the Sunlight of the Spirit. My world became ever darker because of my secret. A secret that I vowed I would never share with anyone, ever!

My worldly success came quickly. I started making more money, getting more accolades and life was good. As all things built on a poor foundation, cracks started to appear and my foundation started to crumble in short order. The more it collapsed the angrier and manic I became. It became an easy art form for me to point out your shortcomings rather than acknowledging my own. I was able to destroy my life and the lives of my family in short order. It became all about me. The more that it became all about me the more I and those who loved me suffered. I went from being a good husband, father and employee to becoming a complete jerk. I suffered deeply with the knowledge that this behavior was not the man I was supposed to try to be. Guilt and remorse became my constant companions. My self destruction had to be difficult for my family to stand by and watch helplessly. This behavior drove me to the edge of the bottomless pit from whence I had crawled and clawed my way out of with the help of so many other kind people. In my life, the chickens had truly come home to roost.

Eventually I was able to come back to our fellowship through God's Grace, somewhat intact but badly beaten up, emotionally, mentally but mostly spiritually. Self pride and ego can kill and it nearly took my life. Once back in the fellowship I was haunted by the constant thought of “How could I be so ungrateful”? After all the fellowship had done so much for me and I had done little or nothing in return. The very thought of this burned deeply inside me, it allowed me no rest. I believed that if I only knew why I had behaved this way perhaps, just perhaps I could get some relief. After all our fellowship had given me a life and a great one at that. How could I have possibly behaved that way? It was an agonizing number of months that this feeling continued to gnaw at me eating me up on the inside. I believed that if I only knew why perhaps these awful feelings would leave me.

I remembered my friend who had gone through a similar situation in his life. I thought that I might visit him and ask him about his experiences. I decided to head out to a little town near the West Virginia border and seek him out. Hopefully my friend's experience would have an answer for me.

It was early on a Friday evening as I entered the church basement that I had not been to in years. The entrance way was I remembered it, it's peeling paint, the persistent slight moldy odor filled my nostrils as I walked the short hallway. A sense of comfort and familiarity overcame me as I walked through the double doors into the meeting room. I looked to the front left side of the room and there he sat. A cup of hot coffee sat in front of his cowboy hat adorned head. I could hear the talk and laughter in the kitchen that his wife Nadine and friends made as I walked up to him. He extended his hand and smiled as his eyes lit up with delight at my being there. My angel always had the capacity to make me feel welcome and important. His hand took mine and I felt the comfort that only an angel could provide, I had felt it many years before and it welcomed me again. My angel said “Charlie how are you, Its so good to see you”? It was as though I had only seen him last week. In fact it had been years since we had last spoken. “Not so good “I replied “I have been away a long time” I said with great sadness in my voice. “Have you been drinking” he asked with all the kindness and concern that one could ever expect? “No, but I have done everything but pick up a drink” I replied. “Can I ask you something though”? “Sure Charlie, what can I do for you” he replied? There it was! This angel asking what he could do for me. His response was automatic and instantaneous, “what could he do for me”.

I explained to him that I had turned my back on the very thing that had given me my life and how deeply troubled I was by it. He asked again how he could help me. I told him that I had remembered hearing him speak one time and how he had told the story about how he had walked away and turned his back also. I explained how this was eating away at me and that if I only knew why I had behaved this way, perhaps I could or would get some relief from the guilt and remorse that was blocking me from once again walking in the the Sunlight of the Spirit.

He paused for a minute and the slightest smile appeared on his face,his blue eyes danced. He said the simplest and most powerful thing that could be said, “Does it really matter, you are here now”? Those simple words from my angel changed my life. What I did not tell you was how depressed I was, how hard I was beating myself up over my past behavior, how I literally felt like dying, how I had thought of taking my own life.


How grateful I am to have had the privilege of calling him my friend. The amazing thing to me is how one never knows what an angel looks like or how they will touch you. The paintings we see are probably how we would like them to appear after they have touched us. It is a kind of mental or emotional metamorphosis that they go through in our minds and not really how they are physically. Based on my physical description of him he appeared to be anything but an angel. He was a simple man who lived his life with dignity, humility and gratitude. His wisdom was second to none. I sincerely believe that now knowing this, when an angel touches you, you will know it immediately. It will feel like nothing else you have felt before. It will surprise you because it can come from the least likely place. None the less it will change your life forever when an angel touches you as it has changed mine. This I promise, for it has been my experience and not something I have dreamed up.

My angel never sought accolades and didn't like to be fussed over. He simply tried to give away what had been so freely given to him. It wasn't always that way for him. It simply started when someone reached out and touched him and he passed it on. That is the real purpose of our lives. I believe that no one exemplified it better than my angel. I saw it work with me and so many others and was blessed to do so.

Sleep well my angel, go with God. Your rest is well deserved. Thank you for all that you have done during your short stay. I will always love you.